How can I get through tonight?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm losing my mind.

I spent last night with the exBPD, as I did all last weekend. From her there was love and affection and hatred and lies and blame.

And in 3 hours time she is going on a date with another guy, I am dying inside. How will manage to get through today and tonight?

I know I need to go NC but how do I cope right now, I don't know what to do, I am so lost.

[snowmonkey]

I'm losing my mind.

I spent last night with the exBPD, as I did all last weekend. From her there was love and affection and hatred and lies and blame.

And in 3 hours time she is going on a date with another guy, I am dying inside. How will manage to get through today and tonight?

I know I need to go NC but how do I cope right now, I don't know what to do, I am so lost.

[Ceruleanblue]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Did she contact you to spend time with you, or did you contact her?

Is being with her worth the cost of knowing she's then going to go out with someone else? Only you can answer that. No judgement here. I forgave BPDh for "cheating" after he walked out the first time. He doesn't view it as cheating, I do. For me though, I only got back with him because he made promises to get help, and he was done seeing that other girl.

Some people can do a clean break, others it takes longer, and they taper off. We are supposed to support each other, not judge. I'm making plans to get out too, but for now, I'm still here, but with a sad heart because I've sort of made peace with the fact that I have to leave for MY sake.

Sometimes we have to act when we don't really want to. Hang in there, and come here if you can. You'll get through the day. You will. 

[Penumbra66]

Snowmonkey,

Although every situation is different, many of us can relate. I was completely devastated when my ex abondoned me for my replacement, moving in several weeks later. I think the difficulty most of us face is trying to make sense of the senseless. After a couple of years, I've come to accept that there was no rhyme or reason to her actions. Dealing with abandonment and betrayal and the aftermath of a relationship with my UBPD ex was the most difficult time of my life, more so than the death of loved ones or a years long recovery from an accident. But things did improve, and I've begun to live in peace.

My opinion on no contact: it was a necessary step to protect myself from the chaos and confusion, but at some point NC also caused a lot of grief. The thought of NEVER speaking again tomsomeone I thought of as family felt like a drastic, heartbreaking step. We recycled in February of this year for a few months, but have since parted. We've spoken a couple of times since. At this point, I am not blocking her, but I am not in any hurry to communicate with her either. If communicating with her hurts me in the future, I'll consider NC again. At one point, it was absolutely necessary.

Use NC to protect yourself. You can decide later if you want permanent NC, or just for several weeks/months to help enfource barriers. Most of us have broken NC at one time or another. Don't define your situation by NC, and don't judge yourself if you communicate for some reason. In some cases, NC, uncritically and inflexibly applied, makes things worse. I know it did in my case, because of the sense of finality. I knew my ex was bad news, but the thought of never, ever communicating in anyway also caused me an enormous ammount of grief.

In my opinion, if you suspect communicating with your ex will make things worse, you can always tell them you need time alone to think about things. NC is not to punish, but allows you room to gain context and perspective.  Many here will tell you that no contact is absolutely crucial, and it might be, in some cases.  Ultimately, you will have to decide. In the meantime, perhaps you could  tell us a bit more about what's been happening the last few days, and particularly tonight.

~Pnmbr

[snowmonkey]

Thanks for your replies. Everything is totally, totally messed up.

My view is that with her behaviour as it is, I would like her out of my life with as little pain as possible, although if she was not like she is now, there is nobody else I would rather have in my life. Additionally, I don't ever want her back if she has gone with another man.

Last night we went out for dinner and a drink and then we went back to her place (which according to the landlord is still officially my place). We talk about things, we engage in what Bill Clinton would not describe as sexual relations but she gets angry. She is angry because I know that she is on a dating website, sexting other men and has a date set for tonight.

She flits between great sadness and massive anger. Some people here don't agree but I have looked at my partner's / ex-partner's phone a number of times. I can't stop myself, I feel if I know the truth I am better prepared. What do they say? Knowledge is power, and I've been powerless for so long. I've never really trusted her because of her behaviour and illness and also because of how I know she walked out on her husband and was with someone else she'd never met within 24 hours.

She is also angry about many, many other unreasonable things from the past. She holds onto this anger and uses it to justify her actions.

At times over the past few weeks since the official breakup she has contacted me and I have contacted her. On occasions we've had amazing days together but other times she has been more abusive than ever and has convinced herself of so many untruths that there is no point even attempting to defend myself whatsoever. This is absolutely not helped by the smear campaign she has engaged in with every single one of her confidants that only validate her point of view and encourage her discard of me.

I need to detach, but I don't know how. I also don't know how to bear the pain of knowing she will very soon be with another man.