Why is it a shame based disorder?

[Larmoyant]

I've read that BPD is a fear and shame-based disorder, but why is that? What causes them to feel shame?

[married21years]

the trauma they cannot face up to is so bad they distort reality to avoid it

they self shame

but the pain is still there to horrible to go near like we can.

BPD exists to protect them from that pain. it protects that pain like layers of an onion they cant peal

[fromheeltoheal]

If a young person is abandoned, either physically, or emotionally abandoned through neglect, or abandoned because they were abused, abandoned in the sense no one was there for them, they will assume it was their fault, because being totally egocentric is normal when we're very young, and if it is their fault they must be "bad"; we feel guilty when we do something bad, we feel shameful when we are bad.  That may not have anything to do with what actually happened, it's entirely the kid's perception of what happened that matters, and folks who develop normally weather that perception of abandonment and the subsequent depression on their way to becoming autonomous individuals; borderline don't, they stay stuck in that place of being abandoned, assume it's their fault, and spend a lifetime trying to reestablish that perfect bond they had with their primary caregiver by attaching to people, fearing the loss of that attachment, and feeling shame when they are abandoned.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Adding to what fromheeltoheal said, consider a child whose parents divorce.  You have undoubtedly heard about examples where children blame themselves for the divorce for no rational reason.  It is that same basic premise.

Children who are shamed develop the mentality that it is their behavior that is valued, not their personhood.  An ideal parent loves their child unconditionally, even reassuring a misbehaving child that they are still good but did a bad thing that they need to correct.  For a child who is abused, the behavior becomes their entire identity.  For example, if a child misbehaves and the parent responds with, "You are such a rotten kid," the child learns that his or her behavior is interchangeable with his or her personhood.  A healthy adult is one who grows up to be able to say, "I did a bad thing, but I am still a good person at heart, with good intentions, so I am going to forgive myself and try harder next time."  Being labeled as bad because of a behavior is where people learn to paint others black -- the first person they do it to is themselves.

You'll notice that a lot of people on here post about pwBPD having no inner core identity, and using a lot of lies and misdirection to manipulate people.  They are adults acting out that same premise that their outward behavior is the only thing that really matters.  Lying is acceptable because it makes their outward behavior palatable to others, even if it doesn't reflect an inner reality.  A relationship based on behavior rather than deeply felt emotion is inevitably going to be more superficial.  Also consider what happens if someone's entire identity is their behavior, and you criticize their behavior.  They have no resilient inner core, so it feels like you have struck at their very sense of self. 

If these individuals love themselves based on behavior, they also extend that thinking to you.  You are your outward actions, not your inner feelings.  So if you change your behavior in any way, the pwBPD can lose a sense of who you are.  A negative outward behavior on your part results in the pwBPD painting you black, because they don't sense your core self where you didn't intend to hurt them, ignore them, whatever.  You are your behavior, and if your behavior is in any way unacceptable, you are BAD, just like they were bad when they were kids if they did one thing wrong.

So it's a shame-based disorder because kids who are shamed end up wearing their emotional insides on the outside.  The behaviors that are usually not a huge part of identity become their total identity, and your total identity.

[steelwork]

If a young person is abandoned, either physically, or emotionally abandoned through neglect, or abandoned because they were abused, abandoned in the sense no one was there for them, they will assume it was their fault, because being totally egocentric is normal when we're very young, and if it is their fault they must be "bad"... .

And they might be explicitly told it's their fault.

As a hair-raising for-instance, my ex was brought up in a very religious household. He was told that his non-compliant behavior (in the face of extreme demands for obedience) was proof that he was possessed by the devil. He was beaten, and prayed over, and told to pray for forgiveness, but he found that he could not believe in God. This, he surmised, was proof that he was possessed. What other response could there be but shame?

[fromheeltoheal]

And they might be explicitly told it's their fault.

As a hair-raising for-instance, my ex was brought up in a very religious household. He was told that his non-compliant behavior (in the face of extreme demands for obedience) was proof that he was possessed by the devil. He was beaten, and prayed over, and told to pray for forgiveness, but he found that he could not believe in God. This, he surmised, was proof that he was possessed. What other response could there be but shame?

Yes, and a parent who's ashamed can project that shame on a kid as well, to relieve themselves of it, and also ensure the shame gets passed through the generations.  And the good news is some folks are self-aware and motivated enough to heal that, so it stops with them, that is if they didn't develop a personality disorder which prevents that self-awareness.

[Larmoyant]

Thank you very much for this and I'm sorry for not getting back sooner. My quest for better understanding has been stalled because of a recent encounter with my ex. I can't focus right now. It's all so upsetting, but just wanted you all to know that I have read each response and learned something new. Thanks again.