Can't understand BPDm's Plan

[bravhart1]

Had a settlement conference yesterday. This has been delayed twice now. It decides if mom gets to have any visitation back. She has not seen SD7 since Dec.

Mom showed up with yet a another new attorney, who is pretty "out there" as far as his methodology and motives for taking on such a case. Instead of just agreeing to the stipulations for getting supervised visits started ( all she has to do is agree to the parent coordinator and sign the document) she instead came in and asked for yet another continuance. Now it won't be until October until the next settlement hearing.

The judge will surely be asking her to agree to the very same stipulation which he carefully explained, but she and her new attorney seem to think they are going to "legally maneuver" around two independent reports, both recommending the same thing.

I cannot understand why she won't sign the agreement and see her daughter. It seems a small thing, not much of a game changer, yet she's been fighting having a coordinator from the beginning.

Oddly, as the parents who have 100% of the custody and control, WE are the ones pushing for a third party to negotiate disputes and supervise the custody. Why would she be fighting it?

I'm stumped as to what she thinks she will accomplish, and mostly why she isn't in any hurry to see her daughter again. The fight seems more important. I'm very sad for her daughter.

[sanemom]

If she gives in to a PC, yet one more person will be able to "control" her and report her crazy.  Our BPD mom has been fighting that one tooth and nail as well... .they don't want to give up any control, and control is more important than seeing the kid.

I am sorry for your daughter, too.  :-(

[Panda39]

I agree with sanemom about the control and I would add she likes the continued interaction/drama with you and DH it allows her to shift blame to you guys or the courts or whoever... .remember she is the victim here 
 

[bravhart1]

Yes, speaking of drama... .

BPDm brought again, of course, her family. They stood in the hallway outside the courtroom after the hearing and called DH filthy names. Seems like something he should be protected from, but he won't do anything about it.

Imagine a world where any of US brought family to these hearings and had them all stand outside the courtroom and yell names at a BPD. They would call 911!

I'm soo very over the double standard. 

[Thunderstruck]

Wow... .October until she can potentially see her daughter again? Geez Louise. I wonder what the judge was thinking?

I agree with sanemom, but it's funny that BPDmom would consider a parenting coordinator as giving up control... .right now she has zero control and with a PC at least she would have some input. But it's another person to hold her accountable for her misbehaviors. That just can't happen.

BPDmom's entitlement (being fueled by her L) is probably what's driving the delay. She's probably thinking they'll figure out a way to get the full custody she "deserves".

Don't stress about the FM's. They're definitely not getting the real story, only the distorted sympathy play that BPDmom is putting on for them.

[bravhart1]

Yes, well the FM's I'm guessing are a lot like BPDm and LOVE the ability to show up in a courtroom and be part of the drama. Sometimes I wonder if they shouldn't all be in a jerry springer episode.

Hasn't seen or spoken to her daughter since December. It's unbelievable, and the judge made it very apparent that his ruling for a coparent counselor would not be changing and that piece he had already ruled on. It's was a hearing to decide when it should start based on BPDm signing. Basically it was a hearing to say if you can be agreeable you can see your daughter, and she chose to be obstinate. It's mind boggling to me.

Dare I ask thunder if the dread report has been even mentioned by anyone?

[ForeverDad]

She can't see her daughter for another 3 months?

I can just imagine... ."Ha!  It's all your fault!  You're going to get in trouble for this because I'm (posturing as) the victim!"

Or maybe... .  "It's your fault I can't see my child.  I'm waiting for my terms to be met first."

[Thunderstruck]

How does the coparent counselor work? Who pays for their help? Is that why she's balking, because she'd have to pay?

Dare I ask thunder if the dread report has been even mentioned by anyone?

Ugh, of course not. L asked the CE about two weeks ago for an estimated completion date but no reply.

[Nope]

She can't see her daughter for another 3 months?

I can just imagine... ."Ha!  It's all your fault!  You're going to get in trouble for this because I'm (posturing as) the victim!"

Or maybe... .  "It's your fault I can't see my child.  I'm waiting for my terms to be met first."

Those two possibilities are very likely. Even when they have zero control they hold on to the illusion of control. And if that doesn't work they see themselves as victimized and wait for the person they see as the aggressor to get what they deserve. It is important to remember that BPD is a mental illness in which the sufferer is literally not seeing the world the same way nons do.

The first year after DH got custody SS asked her on the phone if he was going to see her at all that summer and she told him that if he wanted to see her he needed to talk to his dad and work it out with him and then let her know when she should pick them up. DH and SS's counselor told SS to tell her that this was a conversation she needed to have with DH and to please send him an email. She never did. Never asked for any time at all so didn't see them that summer. The next year she sent DH an email saying she should get the kids for six weeks during the summer because that is what DH used to get when she had custody and since she "was denied any visitation last summer". So, you see, she me er asked to see the kids, told SS to deal with it if he wanted to see her (so didn't even say to SS that she wanted to see him) and was somehow magically the victim who was denied visitation who DH should have then placated. See how that works?

[bravhart1]

I do see how that could work. 

And I agree with forever dad, it's a game of chicken, "I'm the victim until my terms are agreed to" seems to fit the best

She is very stubborn and will dig in like that even if it gets no traction, she fails to see it's not working and let it go, this was her mo most of the time when she had custody and was trying to get ours taken away. She wasn't about to let the little fact that her stories were untrue and her motives unkind get in the way.
 Now, with this issue, she isn't going to be impressed with the minor fact that her daughter is the one paying the price.

That's the hard part, she isn't caring about her child, we all know she's mentally ill, and yet she appears outwardly normal for the most part, and so it just looks like stupidity and cruelness.