Am I a bad dad?

[earlgrey]

I am doing my best with a uN/BPD W and our D7.

D7 and mum have a stormy time, I play things much cooler and get labeled weak, not supportive etc etc. by W.

My bio. S18 has just come back for the summer from university and he watches our chaos and says why am I being such a bad dad? As is letting D7 do stuff he was never allowed?

I am not wanting to solve this stuff, my decision has been made – I am getting out, but I would prefer S18 to understand the very difficult dynamics. At the moment it seems like he thinks I am the one at fault, not managing bad behavior, and this is very difficult for me... .not so much the managing, but his opinion.

D7 feels it is stormy (tough/unloving/bumpy) with M. and calm with me. She comes to me and makes faces at her M. I do not want to encourage this, but from my POV D7 has her POV and I want her to feel it as she does and not invalidate.

This is hard.

Thanks for listening.

[enlighten me]

I can completely understand. My dynamics is slightly different. My boys with my uBPD ex wife are 13 and 15 and now liin troublee with me and want nothing to do with their mum. My son 3 with uBPD exgf stays regularly with me. My boys say im not as tough on him as I am on them and I was tougher on them at his age than I am withhim.

I explained to them that I was togher on them as their mum would make things up or over exagerate things to get them In trouble. They agreed with this as they know she did it all the time. I then tried explaining that I treat their brother differently as it is how i would have treated them without their mothers input confusing things. I also added that they are a lot older so are capable of doing things when asked so im bound to get a bit cross if im asking them ten times to do something.

Could you be reacting more to D7 behaviour as a subconscious way of trying to keep uBPD w happy?

[LilMe]

I find it normal for an older child to notice how your parenting is different with a younger child.  It is not uncommon at my home to hear similar complaints from my teens about my younger children.  I parented my now 27 year old much differently than my now 2 year old!  I am calmer and have more experience than I did as a new mom.  And each child is different and requires different parenting.

There is always at least a nugget of truth in a criticism.  Listen to your 18 year old and consider there may be some truth to what he says; but you have much more parenting experience the he does.   Can you take some time to chat alone with him?  I find it hard to communicate deeply with my older children in everyday life as they and I always seem distracted.  We have much better communication by getting away from the house alone or talking late at night when all is quiet.

Be sure you are not letting the 7 year old overstep the boundaries of you or others.  Validating her feelings is good, but allowing disrespect is not.  Trust your gut instincts.  Any time I have veered away from what I knew was right, I have regretted it!

You are going through a very stressful, tough time, enlighten me!    You are doing the best you can, in spite of the situation.  Hang in there and stay in touch and let us know how things are going.

[earlgrey]

Thanks for your help... .when people understand it is very reassuring. 

Be sure you are not letting the 7 year old overstep the boundaries of you or others. 

This is the tricky bit, I may well cut her too much slack.

But I don't think I do - there is just a huge contrast between Mum's way and dad's way, that could make me look like an encourager of hissy fit princesses (D7 that is).

I do not think that applies here.

This is where I come from... .I had an unloving M., my D7 has same deal.

I feel (my gut does too) that D7 has just accumulated over time an unexpressed anger that says "my mum doesn't get me and doesn't give me enough love".

D7 wants love from her M., gratuitous cuddles and fun and love. But seeks in vain.

M's favourite expression at her energic 7yo is 'oh you annoy me, go away'.

D7 absorbs this stuff and then M wonders why D7 is difficult?

[Waddams]

It's pretty common to get more lax with kids, every parent I know has done it. It's normal. Be careful not to let fleas from the BPD influences in your life intrude too much here. And it's also ok to tell S18 that he's not the parent, he can butt out. Regardless of the rest of the situation, you don't need a college kid that still doesn't know his a$$ from a hole in the wall trying to tell you everything you're doing wrong. Set a boundary.

[enlighten me]

Thanks lilme but im all good. Im an old sweat at this now and things are pretty good. My exgf would never let me discipline her children so I can see how you can fall into not telling them off when still with a BPD partner. Like a lot have said you mellow with age and have a more relaxed parenting style with the younger children. What you also have to bear in mind is the teenage selective memory. I can tell s13 off and five minutes later tell son 15 off and he will complain that im picking on him and never tell his brother off.

Sitting down with them and explaining there is no favoritism is imo the best course. I had to real off a list of times when i wouldnt let s3 do things or when i had told him off or given him a time out for it to sink in with s15. He then begrudginly admitted that i did tell his brother off.

[teapay]

I've learned to take much of the self doubt and arguments with W about parenting out of the equation by learning more about general good parent standards by folks who have been successful parents and copying them.  There is a wealth of useful information on how to raise healthy kids, which work even in environments were some MI is present.  Generally, empathy, discpline and modeling are involved.  That is why it is important to get yourself healthy and of solid mind.  It is likely you'll be playing the crucial role in this child's life.

[formflier]

I've got 8 kids... .yep... .with a mom that has BPD tendencies.  Lot's to think about here.

The only thing I saw that I would like to "point out"... .is that a 7 year old making faces at a parent... .for any reason... .needs to be dealt with.

Otherwise it could encourage a "I can misbehave because they can misbehave" type of attitude.

"I need you to show respect to your parents, making faces is not ok."  Separate the issues into two different buckets.

daughter "But mum is blah blah blah". 

"Your feelings and point of view is important, we'll talk about that in a few minutes.  I need to get back to how you show respect to your parents."

Big lesson here:  Her behavior is much more important to you and to her, that her mom's behavior.  That is why you deal with her first.

Then, have time to talk about her reactions to other people.

Hope this helps.

FF

[earlgrey]

Actually I am not a bad dad.

Was just having a relapse, a bad weekend, and as I result my efforts to focus on me and not on others was lost.

Their opinions their comments hit me hard and I lost where I was.

I slipped. It is quite hard work not to slip.

For the first time I felt what I imagine it must be to be an addict. The effort required to break a habit, against the easy 'satisfying' hit.

My easy route was to bow to others and not find and fight for my way.

I felt I was back in the valleys (of codependence) looking up to the mountains of virtue and strength.

CR@P.

Just a blip, and moment of lost concentration. It happens and I guess will continue to.

All part of the process.

Thanks all.

[formflier]

You recognized it... .that is really good.

Now... what are you going to do to come back out of this stronger and more independent?

FF