Traveling Nurse Dreams broke us or was it something else? Do we still have a cha

[Tomzxz]

A back story is in order. I am 38 and she is 39. We met online, had on two dates. We both came from relationships with passive aggressive and withholding partners that essentially sabotaged intimacy. I was engaged to my partner before the break and she was married to hers for eight years. Through transference, we feared our partner’s worst traits in each other and we agreed to part ways. She said she just didn’t have the time to date while in nursing school. Fast forward four months and we have a chance encounter again. Were still attracted to each other, talk and it feels like we can be friends. Things naturally progress physically and our worst fears are behind us.

The challenge is, that she has been toying with the idea of becoming a traveling nurse. I accepted this about her with my eyes open and reassured her that I want her to do what makes her happy. With the possibility of a temporary LDR in our future, we decided to keep seeing each other.

She naturally struggles with balancing friends, work, school and me – I expressed my deep appreciation for the time that she makes for me. Due to her schedule I have adapted, allowing her to call most of the shots as to when we see each other. She graduated in May passed her certification (the day after my birthday) and now she needs to work in a hospital for one year before getting hired on with a traveling nurse agency. Since her graduation, I have felt the noticeable distance between us grow. Due to her studying, she felt obligated to see me on my birthday despite the space and understanding I gave her. I understand she was stressed. Later that evening she informed me that she isn’t going to be permanent in my life.

We talked about it, the discussion got deeper than anything I can repeat here. Long story short, we seem to be on the same page as for understanding each other’s needs.

I realize that she is struggling with the idea of commitment. She is tired of giving in to people and caring too much, being taken for granted, frankly being codependent from the sound of it. Having come from a divorced family, I see that her and my ideas of unconditional love might be a little different. She has trust issues with men (father left at age four). (First husband cheated) (Second husband withheld sex). We found everything we are looking for in each other that was missing in our past relationships and she is the most stable, calm, drama free partner I have been with. We communicate, understand and trust one another, I’ve struggled with my own codependency as well though it hasn’t been triggered daily with this partner.

Four weeks ago, she found a job in a local hospital. Direct hire to ICU and she starts at the end of August! Her dream position straight out of school! Two weeks later she finds out that her roommate is selling the house she’s been sharing and she will be homeless in November. The panic sets in.


She is proving to herself and to naysayers in her extended family that for the first time in her life she can be independent. She wants to buy a house despite the professional advice to wait out the market and the fact that she doesn’t have the money for a down payment. She can’t rent because of dog breed restrictions. We go back and forth on her living with me but she feels that she would only be using me because she would be moving out in six months when she can find her own place. I kind of think she liked the idea of testing the waters living with me but was too afraid.


The stress rises, incongruent communication and no compromise come to a head and I ask the question. “Do you see a future for us?” she says no. I tell her I have to protect my heart and I can’t do this anymore. The break up is emotional and polite. Realizing that neither of us want things to end but knowing that they can’t continue is the best thing for both of us. She said I was brave but I feel like I made a mistake now. We check on each other a few time through texts and phone calls mixed with emotions, fears and humor.


It’s at this point that I see a much deeper empathetic side to her that I didn’t before. I break out of my own ridged thinking and offer ideas that could allow us to build a relationship while she peruses her dreams and independence but her mind is made up. We talk about her past relationship fears yet her need for a “traditional” relationship – recurring conflicting topics. She says that her career goal and desire to visit Turkey once a year isn’t compatible with anyone. She says that ANY relationship is the last thing she is thinking about and she needs to concentrate on her career even if she finds out she might not like traveling nursing. Fair enough. Fearing that a relationship will end her dreams and not wanting her to resent a relationship, we agree that her happiness is in her career and we each say I love you and hang up the phone. Hearing her say “I love you” was rare during the relationship so I was a bit shocked. LOL


People I talk to seem to think there is a very good chance that she will reach out to me again after she has time to think. Our current status is single, we haven’t blocked each other. Her birthday is coming up next week and I think I should tell her happy birthday. I want to keep the lines of communication open but give her space at the same time. Sigh… What do I do? Did I make a mistake telling her I need to protect my heart? Was her conflicting push pull the normal verbalizing of her thought process or was it something else?


What might have started out as lust rapidly matured into something else because we got in each other’s heads pretty deep (Her going so far as saying it was the deepest she has ever had). She said the last three months felt like she was coming home when she visited my place, and I sort of think it scared her off. Her contract at the hospital is two years and she's fearful of screwing up in the position, I think the love is mutual. Do you think with a little space she will come around again? Has this relationship run it's course? Thanks for reading my story, what are your thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship. It is always hard when we want something to be forever and it ends.

She may reach out to you in future, none of us can predict that though. We can only help guide you to the path that gives you the best chance. Fortunately, that path also provides you with the best chance to not care if she doesn't.

Why do you think that she is BPD?

[Tomzxz]

I'm not sure she is BPD but lots of dysfunctional FOO stuff though. She knows she has commitment problems. She wants to be alone for an undisclosed amount of time. I want to give her space yet I still want to let her know I care without pushing her away further. Any helpful tips? A lot happened in the last month and I think she just cant balance everything out and a future together is the last thing on her mind. In a few months her life should be more settled. I really hope we didn't just get caught up in the moment, it seemed like it was getting very real to both of us. Why would she post and keep so many pictures of us online if she didn't think something could be happening? The realization that she is probably gone forever is just now starting to hit me.

[Meili]

Why would you think that she doesn't know that you care? You've told her in the past, right? You show her with what you do, yes?

[VitaminC]

I'm not sure she is BPD but lots of dysfunctional FOO stuff though.

She wants to be alone for an undisclosed amount of time.

Hi Tomzxz,

Sorry, I'm confused. Not to be in any way unwelcoming, but this is a forum for people in different kinds of relationships with others who have BPD, so we're all looking for ways to either manage those kinds of relationships or exit them or stay exited and process the effects they have had on us. I'm trying to use my own ex-relationship as a learning opportunity - to learn about myself, as are the vast majority of others here.

There is a lot of experience and expertise here, but I am not really sure why you are posting your question here? How do want the folks here to help?

I want to give her space yet I still want to let her know I care without pushing her away further.

Sure, and that would be a nice thing to do. Leave options and doors open. How about just saying that and then backing off and keeping in light and friendly contact, if she appears to welcome it.

You could try looking through some of the resources and communication tools available here and picking some that apply. There are lots there that are good for any kind of relationship, not exclusively for someone who is involved with a disordered individual. Scroll up and see the "Insights" and "Tools" sections.

It does not sound, from what you've said, that you're dealing with someone who has a mental health issue. Lots of people have commitment problems (the term gets throw around a lot and people mean different things by it), or want to prioritize something in their lives over something else. It sounds like she wants some time - there is nothing wrong with that. It sounds like she has boundaries, that sounds healthy to me.