Dealing With Estrangement from a Teen or Adult Child with BPD

[BPDFamily]

Dealing With Estrangement from a Teen or Adult Child with BPD
 
Summary: If your adult child has cut you out of his or her life—whether for a long or short time—it is a gut-wrenching experience, provoking deep feelings of shame, guilt, bewilderment, and hurt, all of which can easily turn to anger. On top of that, it can also arouse other people’s worst suspicions (surely, the Smiths must be terrible parents for their daughter to cut them off like that) and leave you feeling judged, even by friends and family.
 
Audience: This board is for the parents and caregivers of children, teens, and adults who suffer from traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or have a highly sensitive personality. Sometimes, there are circumstances in which cutting off from a parent is the only viable option for an adult child (age 18 and older), for instance, in the case of past or present physical, emotional or sexual abuse from a parent. BPD doesn’t just impact the person with the disorder, the instable pattern of interacting with others impacts everyone they share relationships with including family, friends, and romantic partners.
 
Objective: Our objective is to learn how to expect, respect and stop power struggles in your family.
 
When a parent and child are enmeshed (too emotionally bound up with each other), they are more susceptible to cutting off when anxiety is high. Families like this are living in reaction to one another, rather than each taking responsibility for their part of the dysfunctional “dance.”

Distancing, at its extreme, turns to cutting off. It can occur after long periods of conflict or as a sudden reaction to a difficult encounter. Whatever the issue, the person doing the cutting off has difficulty addressing and resolving the problem directly and maturely. They stop communicating. Continuing the relationship seems unmanageable to them.

General Approach: If you’re in this difficult position, here are five things you can do.

• Don’t go at this alone. Get support. Being cut off by your child, with no ability to understand, communicate and resolve things, is difficult enough. That’s why being connected to others who love and understand you is particularly important. In addition to reaching out to friends and family, consider joining a support group. If you are not able to function at your best, get some professional help.

• Don’t cut off in response. You are not the one cutting ties; your child is. Don’t cut off your child in response. Continue to reach out to him, letting him know that you love him and that you want to mend whatever has broken. Send birthday and holiday messages as well as occasional brief notes or emails. Simply say that you are thinking about him and hope to have the opportunity to reconnect. Send your warmth, love and compassion—as you get on with your life.

   

• Step back, look, and don’t feed the anger. It’s understandable to feel angry. And in their attempt to be supportive, friends and family may fuel your feelings of betrayal, inadvertently increasing your anger. Anger is natural, but not helpful. Step back and try to understand what led to this estrangement. What patterns were operating in your family dance? If you can look at your family from a more factual vantage point, it may feel less personal. No one is to blame. Now if the door opens, you will be in a much better position to reconcile.

   

• If the door opens, listen to your child without defending yourself. Listen with an open heart. Listen to her perceptions of what wrongs took place. Even if you disagree with her, look for the grains of truth. Be willing to look at yourself. It’s hard to hear these criticisms, especially if your intentions were misunderstood. So prepare yourself to handle this. Your adult child may need to hold on to blame as a way to manage her own anxiety. Just letting her know that you hear her will go a long way. Keep in mind that she, too, had to be in tremendous pain to reach the point of shutting you out. Try to empathize with her pain rather than get caught up in the hurt and anger.

   

• Focus on yourself, not your child. If you do begin communicating again, you will be in a position to learn from the mistakes of the past and work toward an improved relationship. Put your efforts into changing yourself, not your child. Let go of your resentments regarding the estrangement. Understand his need to flee…and forgive him. Get to know the adult child you have, not the child you think he should have been. Allow him to get to know you.

• If your child still has made no contact, grieve the loss and know there is still hope. Try to manage your anxiety, and do the right thing by staying in touch with him in a non-intrusive way: occasionally and lovingly. Things may change. Rather than blame yourself or your child for this pain, use your energy to learn about yourself, your own family history and patterns in your other relationships. Look for other patterns of cutting off in your family tree.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Honey B]

Useful.
What would you do if your child is an adult and has explicitly told you not to contact them? Would you still reach out occasionally in the way described above?

[Supersadmom]

Hello,
I am the that cut off contact and I explained why. She has substance abuse issues and called me derogatory names. I just couldn't deal w more abuse

[VitaminC]

Hello,
I am the that cut off contact and I explained why. She has substance abuse issues and called me derogatory names. I just couldn't deal w more abuse

Hello Supersadmom,



I am sorry you are sad. It's good you found us, though, and I am sure you will find support here that will help. Why don't you start your own thread and tell us a little about your situation and what issues you are dealing with right now?

We'd like to know more so that we can help. I think you will find this a very warm and sensible community to be a part of.

Take care,
VitaminC

[Grace Hope]

I was also cut off from my daughter after her wedding. It's been 2 mos and I'm devestated but I think she can't deal with a number of things. She used our cc and stole 20,000 and we want payment. She has no job although I hear she just got one. Her birthday was Halloween and a very hard day not to talk to her but I'm respecting her wishes. I'm angry I spent so much on her wedding and she walked away from me after I no longer was needed but I'm trying to learn how to cope. My husband and 2 adult children agree she's wrong but they talk to her. I feel very alone . They don't understand and say she'll be back it's just so hard when they won't understand my feelings and without my daughter being diagnosed they don't really know what she has but don't want her labeled . Confused

[JS1953]

Hi. I am a newbee to this site just like you. My 46 yr old dgt has also cut me off again after raging at me for trying to set and hold a boundary, and this time she is also cutting me off from 13 yo granddgt with whom I have not any issues with and whom I love more that anyone in the world. My daughter BD just recently passed also, my granddgts is next week. Very difficult to respect wishes and stay way. Right now I just have to admit there is little I can do in the short term to reconnect. Heartbreaking!

My dgt has not been diagnosed either but all the traits are there so I have decided to learn what I need to do differently for my own health and emotional well being.  I am finding reading and re-reading Randi's book, The Essential Family Guide to BPD, is helping me understand this complex situation. I highly recommend it if you haven't read already.   

I hope this helps a bit. I am open to any suggestions and support from others who have learned the way . . .  Janine

[Studebaker]

Hi. My almost 45 year old daughter will not speak to me either after I said no to a request of hers to sign for an apartment. I have two granddaughters who I can't speak to. It's been six weeks since I said no. I've gotten better as time goes by. I'm taking time to read and learn and be at peace. Some days I'm sad, but I've noticed it's easing some. All I can say is hang in there. It was so necessary for me to stop "helping" her and let her stand on her own 2 feet. It's a hard thing to do, but I realize I'm not helping her by continuing to rescue her.

[jones54]

I am the father of a 31yo daughter with BPD. She has had this ever since she was a teenager. She has struggled throughout life. She has all the classic symptoms. Never any deep relationships with friends, self hate, emotionally labile, low self esteem,etc. She actually has all 10 of the symptoms in the DSMIV (you only need 5 to be diagnosed). She has struggled with addiction all her life. She began with alcohol at a young age (16) and has progressed to heroin. She has been in and out of rehab all her life with multiple detoxes. She actually should not be alive today because of all her overdoses. I love her with all my heart but it has been a living hell. I am grateful at this point she is sober for almost 12 months (new record). She years ago was able to get a bachelors degree in English (another miracle but she is extremely intelligent... .sometimes a downside with an addict). And right now she has entered Grad school to get a Masters in Social Work (wants to work with others addicts).
Well, that is the good news. The bad is that her BPD is a strangle on her. She believes to this day that I am at fault for her addiction, her BPD and her miserable life up to now. She blames me that I did not get a "good Lawyer" when she got caught shoplifting 9 years ago while drinking and due to a "record" has never been able to get any job more than minimum wage. Her mother and I divorced 12 years ago after my then wife had an affair and walked out on me (I am sure she was terribly unhappy and I was not there to support her in her relationship with our daughter). I have since met a lovely women who actually stepped up to the plate and filled in for the absent mother years ago. My daughter forgets all of this and hates her to this day. She is a very angry person and as much as I want to rebuild our relationship she pushes me away and texts never ending insults about I am at fault for everything and am a terrible father. I know this is her BPD. I have a son who is married to a wonderful gal and we are extremely close (always have been). His sister wants nothing to do with her brother (although he may feel the same way since he was the younger sibling and sat by watching the chaos created by his older sister). I have to get up everyday and look at what I can be grateful for because otherwise I would go nuts... .maybe I already am in this situation. I want more than anything to have a good relationship with the daughter I love but I know that my daughter has BPD and addiction so nothing will ever be normal. She is doing the right things and has counselor, Suboxone doctor and regular doctor. I am paying her tuition, helping with housing (along with her mother), pay her health insurance and try to help out in areas that a Dad should help out. I do all these things and I think all she wants me for is the money. She was kicked to the street years ago when she was in the throngs of her addiction (loving detachment) but this only made her stop using temporarily. She now is in the best position of her life to get ahead with sobriety and grad school. It would sure be nice to have a good relationship with her but at this point she now wants to kick me to the curb. I am hopeful that some day she will wake up and have gratitude, move on with her life and stop reliving the past, blaming everyone else for the life she has had. Taking personal responsibilities for yourself is a true sign of maturity. I guess my daughter has yet to grow up.