When a relationship breaks - consider it over /failed

[IamGrey]

"When a relationship breaks - consider it over /failed - and either leave or go back with a very different plan."

This is true in any reconciliation. That relationship is dead and if you rekindle that r/s without any personal development, it's already doomed. It has to be a new r/s for both partners.

But in the case of recycling with a pwBPD, I can't see how going back with a different plan can work. My mistakes were being too cold and distant, but what would being more loving and close achieve? Given the stories on here, not a lot.
Doesn't the disorder always win, no matter how much we ourselves try to change for the better?

[MiserableMostly]

@IamGrey

I think if you go in as a different person who's healed core wounds, learned more about the disorder, cured your co-dependence, and is stronger you will have a better more stable relationship. However, that doesn't mean it won't end in the same catastrophic way. I think you'll just be better able to handle when it starts to break down and cope when it ends.

Most relationships don't last. One with a BPD almost certainly won't last. If you go in with a new mindset then maybe short-lived experience would be worth it.

I'd venture to say that most of the time it isn't. But, I don't see how getting back together with a BPDex for three months would be any different than decided to say... .take mushrooms in South America or smoking cigarettes for three months or going to Las Vegas and getting hooked on gambling, something like that. A healthy person could probably get away with doing those things without getting completely destroyed. An unhealthy person might not.

It's probably not the best thing for you... .but it is a life experience, and you will grow from it after it's over. I don't know. Sometimes exciting and unhealthy things are part of what life has to offer too. And you just do them because you just want to do them, because it's fun and you want to experience life.

That being said - the one MAJOR downside, even in a healthy person, to get recycled is every day you spend with a BPD is a day you are not leaving yourself open to meeting a healthy partner that will treat you right.

[Aesir]

"When a relationship breaks - consider it over /failed - and either leave or go back with a very different plan."

This is true in any reconciliation. That relationship is dead and if you rekindle that r/s without any personal development, it's already doomed. It has to be a new r/s for both partners.

But in the case of recycling with a pwBPD, I can't see how going back with a different plan can work. My mistakes were being too cold and distant, but what would being more loving and close achieve? Given the stories on here, not a lot.
Doesn't the disorder always win, no matter how much we ourselves try to change for the better?

I agree. How much does one have to change to please someone with BPD? I mean sure one can work on things but in my experience no matter what I did it didn't seem to matter, she would always find something negative to latch on to.

Plus wanting to change and compromise should go both ways. If I was willing to make it work the BPD partner should be open to getting some form of help and respecting boundaries. If not I don't think it will work.