Concerned Grandmother

[Rains]

I have an adult daughter with BPD in total denial.  I am very concerned about my young granddaughter and emotional abuse.  I am trying to help and not sure if/how to intervene.  I live in another state.  Not sure of my options.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Skye1947]

My daughter and her daughter that we adopted are both borderline.  From what I understand genetics are involved which means your granddaughter may have inherited it too.  I have also learned it is not your fault.   What has helped me the most is reading the books to have knowledge about the disorder which will help you to cope.  The most important thing I have found is to take care of yourself and participating in these support groups which help tremendously.  Hope this helps.

[Mutt]

Hi Rains,



I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this.  I can see how helpless that would feel  when a family member suffers from mental illness and we can't protect young ones.

My kid's mother displays traits of BPD and I have shared parenting, it helps the kids to have an emotionally stable caretaker. Is the father in your GD ( grand daughters ) life?

I'm glad that you decided to join us, many members can relate with you and offer you guidance amd support , it helps to share with people that understand, you're not alone.

[Rains]

The father is with them although he seems to be very passive in the relationship for the most part best I can tell.  I am pretty sure he suffers from PTSD.  My GD is about to turn 4 and is not at all where she needs to be emotionally, socially, or developmentally.  She is very smart but her mother treats her more like a possession and does not allow her any interaction outside the home.  My D constantly complains of some new physical ailment which makes leaving the house nearly impossible for her.   I am trying to convince D to enroll her in special preschool.  I try not to get sucked in to the situation too far but it is difficult.  Thank you for the responses, good to know I am not alone.   I am no stranger to the turmoil and stress since I have been going through this since she was 12 and she is now 30.  The bad thing is that now there is another person involved who cannot defend or speak for herself. 

[livednlearned]

Hi Rains,

The emotional toll of having a BPD mother can be immense. I'm so sorry you've had to experience this both as a parent and a grandparent, and it's good that you are paying attention.

Do you have a good relationship with the dad? Would he listen to you if you shared skills with him that he could use to deflect some of the abuse? Being in another state makes it hard to have an impact though even the smallest intervention can sometimes have big effects.

Do you see them often? What is your relationship with your daughter like?

Your observation that GD is treated like a possession rings true with what my son's father was like (BPD, too). People with BPD tend to have no boundaries, and other people are external "roles" to their inner experience.