Painted White after 3 years. I am tired.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After more than 3 years of being painted black by my uBPDw wife, she loves me again. 6 months of  increasing attempts to reach out to me, to tell me that she wants to grow old with me, that she wants me in her life and that she loves me.

I am still married to her, and every attempt to get divorced has been blocked or warped by my wife. I've decided, for now, that I will only focus on healing and not divorce because I suspect in her mind it will be a way to talk to me.

I am still slowly climbing out of the pit she tried to bury me in.

I've been cautiously dating someone for almost 1 year. It is so slow and healthy. I also have to stop myself sometimes from suddenly becoming hyper-vigilant and looking for red flags. So much work on myself staying present, staying honest.


Today, I have tears in my eyes because, it is not over. I am still undoing the mess she left me with. And she comes back before I can finish. I am angry and I am sad, simultaneously. My ego wanted her to come back and acknowledge that I was a good partner. Not the abusive person she described publicly.
I am so tired.

[KarenDH]

After more than 3 years of being painted black by my uBPDw wife, she loves me again. 6 months of  increasing attempts to reach out to me, to tell me that she wants to grow old with me, that she wants me in her life and that she loves me.

I am still married to her, and every attempt to get divorced has been blocked or warped by my wife. I've decided, for now, that I will only focus on healing and not divorce because I suspect in her mind it will be a way to talk to me.

I am still slowly climbing out of the pit she tried to bury me in.

I've been cautiously dating someone for almost 1 year. It is so slow and healthy. I also have to stop myself sometimes from suddenly becoming hyper-vigilant and looking for red flags. So much work on myself staying present, staying honest.


Today, I have tears in my eyes because, it is not over. I am still undoing the mess she left me with. And she comes back before I can finish. I am angry and I am sad, simultaneously. My ego wanted her to come back and acknowledge that I was a good partner. Not the abusive person she described publicly.
I am so tired.

[Lonely_Astro]

Hey,

It's tough.  It's hard to be painted white after being painted black and having all those feelings resurface.  You sound like you're on a good path.  It's ok.  It's all going to be ok.  Being tired (emotionally exhausted) is ok.  I, too, felt that way with my ex.  I'd long for her to talk to me and when she did, I'd feel totally drained after the interaction.

Keep on doing what you're doing.  If you feel NC is best for you, then proceed that way.  There's no hard and fast rules here.  Each 'case' is different. Do what's best for you

Keep healing.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi KarenDH-

One thing that helps is to look at everything through a borderline lens.  You've popped up on her radar as someone who could potentially help her soothe emotions she can't soothe on her own, and someone for which there may be an emotional attachment still in place, and if you indicate in any way that there is, she will feel better, and she'll keep trying.  And from experience I know that if you were to reengage, she would show up as if nothing had ever happened between you and a new idealization phase would start, if you let it.  Borderlines are predictable when viewed through that lens, seems you know that, and staying focused on that can depersonalize it some and help you make decisions when it gets tough.

Hang in there, our best days are ahead of us... .

[bunny4523]

I agree with Lonely Astro- it's ok to be tired.  Being tired just thinking about it is the best sign for you to stay away from it.  It isn't over but it is not your job to take care of her, comfort her, or predict her actions by trying to alter yours.   You just continue to focus on you and let her do what she will do.  You have no control over that anyway.  Keep healing.  Remember the nice words she is saying to you now and store them aware - you've got your closure. And don't let any of the mean words that are likely to come in the near future... .into your head.  Let the chapter end here.  

I can only imagine how painful this is... .but don't let her tear open your wounds that are almost healed.

You can start your new chapter now without her.

Bunny

[william3693]

Hello

As H to H indicates they will show up as nothing happened and start a new idealization stage.

It just happened to me.After 3 tears of nc she contacted me in November of 2015.

Said she had been in therapy for 3 years realized what a great relationship we had
and she would not leave me again. Things went well for the first few months,then about a
month ago she started distancing and last week  ended the relationship.

Before it ended I was often nervous about when and if it would end again.

The arguments and anger came back.I found out I might be able deal with them but the leaving
which is one of the hallmarks of BPH I could not deal with or chose not to deal with.

Once you engage them it becomes much more difficult.It like the alcoholic it is the first
drink that gets them.

[hurting300]

After Three years? Wow that's a long time.

[married21years]

it is your decision, only you can make.

everyone will advise against and you have to ask yourself why do they say that

you have to make the decision it is a real hard one.

take a piece of paper put a line down the middle

on one column write the pros and on the other write the cons

this is actually part of DBT

good luck

[KarenDH]

There is so much pain, emotionally and spiritually between us. I cannot forget that I was abandoned by someone who I loved and lived with for 10 years. I can understand that she is fundamentally not her BPD. However, reaching out to me, saying that she loves me, and thanking me for standing by her side when it was really hard, is unrealistic. It somehow seems so selfish and childlike to think that an "I love you" can mend the hurts.
It is validating to hear that she loves me, she acknowledges that I was a supportive partner and that she has a mental illness. But the consequences of her behavior are still affecting my life. She has not even addressed my current situation, does not enquire as to where I am at as a result of how our relationship had ended.
I wrote her an email, clearly setting boundaries and expressed that our relationship cannot be rekindled and is not on the table as far as I am concerned. She lashed out via email. Her behavior/habits have not changed. My uBPDw may have acknowledged/referred to her mental illness but there is no going back. 3 years is a long time. I have used that time to focus on myself. I am still rebuilding parts of my Self/life. I have moved on and now see a future that does not include her after having to face the that the future I believed we had no longer exists. Love is not enough.

[lovenature]

It is validating to hear that she loves me, she acknowledges that I was a supportive partner and that she has a mental illness. But the consequences of her behavior are still affecting my life. She has not even addressed my current situation, does not enquire as to where I am at as a result of how our relationship had ended.

Whatever her current emotion of the moment is will dictate what she says/does; perfect example is being NC for 3 YEARS and then contacting you expecting to carry on without addressing the problems of the past that were continuous throughout the relationship.

She lashed out via email. Her behavior/habits have not changed.

Always go by their actions.