I don't know where to turn...

[Masuimi]

I'm in a relationship with a man who exhibits many of the traits associated with BPD (never diagnosed, as he is far too prideful and stubborn to ask for any type of help).

I'm here because I'm genuinely lost and confused as to where my relationship is going. He is constantly angry, moody, irritable, and irrational with me. I can't seem to get through to him at all. It's as if I feel myself going into a downward spiral and though I know very well that this isn't healthy for me in any way at all, I can't help but run back to him and try to "fix" all the problems we seem to be facing.

Let me start from the very beginning:
He is 21 and I am 23. We technically met online through a mutual friend (my rl friend was online friends with him on WoW). She introduced us and almost instantly we felt a deep connection. We started talking and immediately fell in love. Within almost 2 weeks he dropped the L-word. The beginning of our relationship (it's only been 5 months now) was passionate and filled with future plans. He made me feel as if I was perfect and I honestly felt for the first time that I was to someone. We talked on the phone every single day, moving from over the phone convos to web camming (which I have never in my life done, but I trusted him enough to olet him see all of me). We were so close that we choose to eat, shower, sleep, drive, etc. over the phone with each other every single day (we still do but I feel as if I just watch him do things rather than us doing things together as how we used to). I started to notice a drop in "affection" after we had our first argument. It was essentially started over me being insecure in how I look (I'm chubby and have always been very insecure, he has stated may times that he loves the way I look (calling me beautiful, sexy, cute on multiple occasions) but I've always had difficulty believing in it). We've had many arguments over my self-doubt and loathing. When those arguments would first occur he'd be right there to tell me that he'd always love me not matter what, but after a month or so of reassurance and sweet romance, he quickly became enraged at the mention of me ever being sad. Everything seems to have escalated so quickly. Fights became more frequent and the love that once made my heart skip a beat, now brings me intense anxiety and nausea every single day. Sh*t really hit the fan when he got drunk (against me asking him to only have 3 drinks, as I know he gets extremely emotional when drunk) and quickly turned violent/rude when I began to cry over his lack of respect towards me. I asked him if anything I say matters at all to him and he told me to shut up while throwing his phone (I was on cam) off his desk and on to the floor. I cried hard and he told me that no one cared. He went on to say that all he'd every wanted was someone to love him, and that leaving him wont make things better for him, just worse. I've never in my life felt so worthless in that moment because all I've ever wanted was to give him the love that he so much needed (he came from very controlling and neglectful parents). After that I went into a deep depression and had an emotional breakdown. I told him that I couldn't do this anymore and he promised me he'd never to drink again (and he hasn't since then). There are so many other factors in our relationship that is bringing me distress. He tries to belittle me, but I stand up for myself and tell him to never try to make me feel less than I am. He combats my anger by reverting into child-like behaviors such as saying "whatever, shut up already" or mimicking my tone of voice. He gets sad and outrageously angry with me when even mentioning doing something else or going out somewhere (even if it's just with family). If I'm not with him, he feels as if I've abandoned him. I don't know how much longer I can live with this. Its a constant struggle. When I tell him that I need something from him, such as positive affirmation or even just an "I love you", It's a battle of "YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW I FEEL ALREADY" and just a simple "No, I shouldn't have to constantly remind you." I feel so desperate and lost. I'm supposed to meet him irl for the very first time in two weeks. My family is extremely hesitant on it because they are well aware of how he is treating me (I'm extremely close with them, another thing that annoys him to no end). I feel this intense pull to go and see him in real life and face how he could be. Like I've said before, this is all just speculation that he could be dealing with BPD. A lot of the things I've read seem to point to so. Please, can anyone help me or give me some type of advice? I feel as if I am very much suck in this difficult place.

Thank you and I do apologize for any of the grammatical mistakes I have made within this. I am a bit emotional right now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Masuimi,



I'm sorry to hear that things are really difficult you right. I'm happy that you decided to join us. My ex is not diagnosed just like your ex. We're not doctors and can't diagnose but what we can look at is traits of the borderline personality type and we can protect ourselves with boundaries with bad behaviors.

I understand how emotionally distressing that feels when we feel like we're walking on eggshells because of our partners feelings. Feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD. You're not a mind reader and you're nit responsible for someone else feelings, we can empathize but we shouldn't have feel guilty because our partners have difficulty regulating their emotions.

You'll find many members here that can relate with you and give you guidance and support cut helps to talk people that can relate with you.

It sounds like you're have cold feet with meeting him, do you fell like maybe you'd like to go maybe things ate a little? It helps to learn as much as we can about the disorder you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. Some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder and a pwBPD feel a lot of shame, low self esteem and low self worth. It helps to validate a pwBPD's feelings. Here's a short and great article to stop the conflict, you'll find the lessons to the right of the board. It helps to talk.

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict

[livednlearned]

Hi Masuimi,

I know so well the feelings associated with having the tables flipped so quickly, from being the best thing ever to devaluation. It's hard.

How are you feeling about seeing him in real life? And maybe just as important, how will the meeting go? Will you stay in a hotel together or meet for lunch, etc.?

Maybe we can walk through some scenarios together and offer advice. Things are often not as they seem in these relationships, it does take some translating and modification of how we say things.

My guess is that when he said he loved you the way you were, and you continued to feel unattractive, it made him feel inadequate. That somehow his love and what he was saying weren't enough. Feeling inadequate is like kryptonite to someone with BPD.

And when we are needy, it can feel threatening to someone with BPD because it suggests we might not be strong enough to center things when they go off the rails. That can make him feel like things are out of control, or at the very least that something is being demanded of him that he can't provide, and that triggers those feelings of inadequacy.

Best not to discuss this with him, too, in my experience. Just apply the skills and keep working with people here until you feel that things are making sense, based on his behavior and your reaction, and then his counter reaction.

We're here for you 

LnL

[Masuimi]

Thank you so much for replying!

I'm feeling a strong sense of panic and anxiety, so much so that I rarely eat because of constant nausea. I do feel as if I'm getting cold feet because of the fact that I have read so many awful stories about BPD relationships. A recent reading had many people sharing about how BPD's don't know true love and can never truly love anyone. That terrifies me till no end. My mom is a survivor of domestic violence and has been warning me that his anger could escalate into physical harm. No one in my family wants me to fly out to meet him, but there is a strong feeling inside of me that I need to see how he truly is irl. He can be so kind to the people around him, and has expressed on multiple occasions that he was taken advantage of for being "too nice". Can he be a bit different face to face rather than over a screen? He has gotten rid of all his friends in the beginning of the year because all he wanted to do was be alone. He even quit smoking weed (has been doing it since he was 16) as well because it made him anxious out in public. I am not his first gf, but I'm the very first one he has been in love with. His other two girlfriends cheated on him but were also both online relationships as well (one lasting two years, the latest one lasting a year).

He lives in Canada while I live in Hawaii. He has his own place and I will be staying with him for two weeks. I know a few things that really set him off, such as when I get emotional or mention any sort of negativity or doubt. I'm starting to feel as if I will go there, but when I return home I'll want to break up with him purely because I cannot handle this much negativity and aggression. I'm a soft-hearted girl with nothing but love to give, but I just cannot get through to him. Even now he is angry with me because I am not paying attention to him while I try to hide the fact that I am replying to this post. Is it safe for me to stay with him or see him? I have given my family his name, address, and #, along with his parents address as well. I am even more so afraid of going there and becoming so deeply connected to him that I will never be able to let go. I want to help him with all of my being, but as my mom has told me "you can't change someone into who you want them to be". I know my self-loathing and doubt has a lot to do with some of the arguments we have, I have a very low self-esteem. He has told me on multiple occasions that when I don't believe in what he says it "makes him feel like sh*t or worthless". I don't want to end up in a loveless relationship, and I don't want to end up in a realization that he never truly loved or cared for me. I also don't want things to get so bad that he ends up HATING me (another thing I have read about BPD's). I can't seem to get these worries and fears out of my mind. They consume me day in and day out.

It seems as if nothing is soothing the pain. I cried over video again today and he completely ignored me. I shared with him that I was feeling anxious and nauseous, and he replied with "If you're going to keep having ridic thoughts dont expect me to help you, I'm not dealing with that sh*t"

I'm so lost and I have no clue how to make this a healthy relationship. I try to be kind to him, show him love and even tell him how proud I am of everything he does. But all it gets me is a "Yeah? Thanks babe" nothing more. He tells me that he'd like me to be controlling, but when I try to control him it always ends up backfiring on me and he ends up becoming outrageous controlling over me. Everything I do (whether on purpose or on accident) has to have a consequence. If I text back 20 mins late because I was busy with something, he'll text me back an hour later saying "If you don't want me to do that sh*t to you, don't do it to me". I back down and end up telling him to quit being ridiculous. We can also be quite mean to one another (something that I never was before meeting him), but my aggression comes as reactions to how he treats me. When he tells me to shut up, I tell him to shut the f*ck up and calm down. He tells me that aggression is the only way he's able to "calm down", but quite honestly it hasn't done much. I don't back down unless things get far out of hand but he can let things go on for hours and hours till he's found my anger absolutely laughable. It's sad because I am really not this aggressive or "openly needy" person face to face. I can be confident (even when I'm really not) and I'm completely laid back. When anger surfaces in people my immediate response isn't to fight back, its to care for them or give them the space they need. But with him, it's like an entirely new game. If I give him space, he takes it as abandonment and feels as if I don't love him or need him; but if I stay around and try to make things work, he feels overwhelmed and becomes even angrier. He can come off as completely insensitive to all of my feelings, as if he just doesn't care at all. I'm starting to truly believe that he doesn't. He can be cold, cruel, and just indifferent to my sorrow.

Are these BPD traits? I'm afraid that everything I've read seems to point to so. I don't know what to do... .I'm so lost in my own thoughts that I feel as if nothing will ever make sense again.

[Masuimi]

We can both be very immature. Like as of right now our vchat disconnected and since he is already upset with me he is ignoring my texts and calls, which that prompted me to send him a text saying "K cool, message me when you stop being ridiculous."
I know it wasn't the correct thing to do but I just feel so worn out and defeated. I want to be strong but I don't know how much more I can give and still retain alive and in decent mental standing.

[Masuimi]

Hi Masuimi,

I know so well the feelings associated with having the tables flipped so quickly, from being the best thing ever to devaluation. It's hard.

How are you feeling about seeing him in real life? And maybe just as important, how will the meeting go? Will you stay in a hotel together or meet for lunch, etc.?

Maybe we can walk through some scenarios together and offer advice. Things are often not as they seem in these relationships, it does take some translating and modification of how we say things.

My guess is that when he said he loved you the way you were, and you continued to feel unattractive, it made him feel inadequate. That somehow his love and what he was saying weren't enough. Feeling inadequate is like kryptonite to someone with BPD.

And when we are needy, it can feel threatening to someone with BPD because it suggests we might not be strong enough to center things when they go off the rails. That can make him feel like things are out of control, or at the very least that something is being demanded of him that he can't provide, and that triggers those feelings of inadequacy.

Best not to discuss this with him, too, in my experience. Just apply the skills and keep working with people here until you feel that things are making sense, based on his behavior and your reaction, and then his counter reaction.

We're here for you 

LnL

I also fear the repercussions of going there, getting too deep, coming back home and trying to leave him. Will he hurt himself? Will he hurt me? I don't know. He has never in his life laid a hand on anyone, even in his highest state of anger (he has punched a wall and slammed things around). He has a cat (which I call his therapy animal) that he loves so much. He is always very gentle and cuddly with him. It sometimes creates jealousy inside of me (ridiculous I know) because he has no problem lovingly asking his cat "whats wrong? whats the matter?" while he can barely even ask me how my day is going or if im alright. What am I doing wrong here? In the beginning as well, we would constantly break up and get back together because of my insecurities and his reaction to them. I would tell him things like "I can't do this anymore", "this isnt good for my mental health", "do you even really care about me?". I know this has probably contributed a great deal to things going south as well. Can our relationship be fixed? I'm just so afraid of all the outcomes.

[livednlearned]

Hi Masuimi,

It's ok to take care of yourself. That's probably the single most important part about being in a BPD relationship. If we allow ourselves to get worn down, then it's two people struggling instead of one. Taking care of yourself can mean many things. It might mean that you don't go there until you feel ready. It might mean that you go there and insist on staying in a hotel. It can also mean staying with him, booking a refundable ticket, doing research on hotels in the area, getting a rental car. In other words, listening to the voice in your mind and heart that feels anxious and soothing it.

I notice you feel bad when you take a time out for yourself. That's pretty common with people here. Can you be gentle with yourself when you feel the need to take a break? As you noticed, he felt upset when you took even a few minutes away to do something for yourself. Yet, doing things for yourself is healthy, and in a BPD relationship, doing things for yourself is essential.

It might also be a  to set a new tone for what happens when he is verbally abusive. It's ok to have some boundaries around this, starting now. A helpful way to phrase it might be, "I'm not someone who handles verbal insults well. Sometimes it makes me want to respond the same way and I don't want to do that with you. If it feels like the conversation is heating up, I'm going to step away for 30 minutes and cool my jets. I'll reconnect when I feel solid. Sound ok?"

It's ok if he says no, or gets mad, or tries to guilt you. The key is to assert the boundary no matter what, otherwise he will begin to escalate to figure out where the real boundary is.

Does that make sense?

[Masuimi]

Hello again,

I suppose now it doesn't necessarily matter. It's been two days of NC because I have expressed to him that I can no long accept the verbal abuse and that I must set my boundaries. I let him know that I do love him and the last thing I want to do is harm him in any way at all, and to please message me when he feels ready. He has read all my messages but has yet to reply. So as of right now I'm torn deeply inside, I've been crying for the past two days and have thwarted off any "alone" time. It's been so bad that I've chosen to stay at my parents house because I just don't want to be at home alone with my thoughts. I miss him so deeply, but the comfort from my family (especially my dad) is really helping me through. I feel sorry for him however, because he is alone with his thoughts and fears. He has no one to turn to in his times of sorrow. I just hope he comes around soon, but after reading about BPD break ups I'm more than sure that he probably won't be. I'm broken over the fact that while I'll still be hurting over this in a months time, he may just have someone else by his side. I feel hopeless, but I need to stay firm to what I've said about my boundaries. I feel that if he truly loved or even cared for me, he'd try to make sense of what I need. But at the same time, I realize that if he does has BPD trying to make sense of this all is like a foreign language to him. I told him that I still want to be with him, I gave him reassurence inbetween the lines of me saying that I can no longer take the abuse. I don't know what else to do? Do I break the NC and just message him? Or do I move forward and hope for the best for both of us?