Have I been painted black?

[SoMadSoSad]

Are you sure she loves you or is it infatuation. Look up the difference between the two.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[StayStrongNow]

If defies all logic of how and why I went from white to black with the stbxBPDw so I stopped trying to figure it out. It was a double whammy with her and her mother, both BPDs.

All I know is that I am getting painted blacker and blacker. I have lost any shred of love towards her. I don't love her and I don't miss her, I don't even miss the idealization stage that I would approximate at lasting about 8 years of the total 12 years.

I will never ever trust a word she says because she is a compulsive liar.

I now can read stbxBPDw like a book. Also now I understand her mother and her sister who to me are also clearly BPD. It helps explain to me what they told me about the bizarre legacy of her grandmother, the BPD matriarch. Let me throw in now understanding the behavior of her step dad, the NPD and can see why he has lasted with stbxBPDmil.

Yes by being thrown into the black I know I will never be back into the white ever again. But now my view is that this is really a gift. I am free of any hope and free of love. Out of necessity I need to think of her as the mother of my three children here with me now and the mother of my daughter in heaven. But for survival I think of her now as my enemy who is out to simply lie and destroy.  She is painted black with me and she won't ever get back to white. So I will move on and just forgive her, forgive them all for they know not what they have done or are doing.

[Oncebitten]

SomadSoSad:  Well i assume that its love... .I fell from the pedestal pretty hard and she still tells me she loves me.  I think if it was just an infatuation she would be moving on.

[SoMadSoSad]

You think she might be stringing you along till she finds someone else? Its a common thing for borderlines to do it seems from what i read.

[Oncebitten]

Anything is possible, but despite all the fights and arguments.  How "awful" I am... .she tells me she is done and then I can talk her into giving the r/s another chance in about 20 mins.  And she always tells me how grateful she is that I didnt quit on her... .so I have never gotten the feeling that she is stringing me along.  I have always felt that she does love me and want to be with her... .she just can't get all of the hurtful feelings out of system to move forward.

[Fr4nz]

its the whole impulse control thing... .they either mess around, hurt themselves, drink, gamble, shop etc.  

They can't control their base impulses anymore than they can control their emotions

This, coupled with the fact that they cannot stay alone -  remember, they have a deficient self, thus they need to be in some relationship to feel complete - plus their fears of abandonment, which drives them to find potential replacements in case something goes wrong with their current partner.

That's why, imho, we observe infidelity in lots of relationships involving BPDs... .they may react impulsively to some perceived wrong, and among the impulses there's the cheating thing.

[hurting300]

hat's why you are experiencing the (very common, among pwBPD) love/hate behaviour from her side.

Yes but isn't is "trauma" for anyone losing an attachment?

[hurting300]

Well i am not going NC with her anyway.  Just LC in the hope that with some time and space her emotions will regulate.

I understand that the honeymoon phase is over and it will never be that way again.  And honestly I am not looking to go back to that.  But I do feel that if we can get past this point where we are at the r/s can stabilize and be somewhat normal.  I know that there will always be issues due to the condition and I can accept that.  But I do love her and want to be with her and I know that she loves me as well.


I have read a ton on this site and others.  And it has been very helpful and has improved our r/s a lot.

If you ever decide that you want (No contact) do it in a respectful and responsible way. Kindly tell her your reasons and express you wish to no longer have contact. That minimizes the pain for you both.

[Skip]

But I do feel that if we can get past this point where we are at the r/s can stabilize and be somewhat normal.  I know that there will always be issues due to the condition and I can accept that.  But I do love her and want to be with her and I know that she loves me as well.

Is posting on a detaching board consistent with these feelings?