Breakthrough moments following break-ups

[Depression = 72% of members]

  all,

Today I've been wondering about breakthrough moments during the aftermath of these break-ups and how you guys have experienced these during the healing process? I'm interested in hearing your experiences.

My biggest ones started coming when my self-esteem and self-worth began increasing (I only made the link afterwards, though). I guess this was a result of all the self-work that I had been doing over the last 12 months. This was everything from therapy to yoga to meditation to reading a lot of books that helped to writing on this board to talking things through with trusted friends and family. At the time I regularly thought "THIS ISN'T WORKING!" and there were many times when I felt like giving up. But guess what? At some point everything just 'clicks' together and you finally start seeing the fruits of your labour. I am so glad I persevered - if you're going through this right now, please don't give up. It all just starts to make sense at some point, I am not sure how else to explain it.

I had another "I really am getting better" moment today when I met a charming doctor at the hospital where a family member is currently having treatment. Nothing happened as such, but for the first time since the break-up I found myself thinking "Wow, I'm now free to meet someone as intelligent and seemingly lovely as this." I also didn't think that I'd be punching above my weight in thinking that I could some day attract a doctor (something that, before my ex, I probably would have never thought - I was deeply insecure).

The main thing, though, is that I thought to myself "I'm glad this break-up happened." I haven't had this until now. There was always residual regret or 'what ifs'. But I am realising that I am worth so much more than what I was given. I deserve a peaceful relationship with someone who's as emotionally healthy as I am. I deserve someone who won't rage at me and project his bad feelings/guilt about his family onto me. I deserve someone who won't ditch me because his family doesn't want him to marry outside their culture. I deserve someone who chooses me and me alone. I deserve someone who is invested in the relationship just as much as he's invested in bettering himself. I deserve someone who won't get engaged to someone else within weeks of us breaking up.

I genuinely believe all of this. I still have moments when I miss him or when I am prone to ruminating, but they're becoming far less. I'm starting to see that eventually I will be free of this break-up and what happened. I also really *feel* in my heart that better things are on their way, and I refuse to give into an old belief I used to have that I'd always be alone. I no longer think that. But for now, I am going to continue to fill my life to ensure I am the happiest and most fulfilled I've ever been. And hopefully, eventually, someone who feels the same way as I do about him will come along and we'll join our two full lives and be happy together.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

  all,

Today I've been wondering about breakthrough moments during the aftermath of these break-ups and how you guys have experienced these during the healing process? I'm interested in hearing your experiences.

My biggest ones started coming when my self-esteem and self-worth began increasing (I only made the link afterwards, though). I guess this was a result of all the self-work that I had been doing over the last 12 months. This was everything from therapy to yoga to meditation to reading a lot of books that helped to writing on this board to talking things through with trusted friends and family. At the time I regularly thought "THIS ISN'T WORKING!" and there were many times when I felt like giving up. But guess what? At some point everything just 'clicks' together and you finally start seeing the fruits of your labour. I am so glad I persevered - if you're going through this right now, please don't give up. It all just starts to make sense at some point, I am not sure how else to explain it.

I had another "I really am getting better" moment today when I met a charming doctor at the hospital where a family member is currently having treatment. Nothing happened as such, but for the first time since the break-up I found myself thinking "Wow, I'm now free to meet someone as intelligent and seemingly lovely as this." I also didn't think that I'd be punching above my weight in thinking that I could some day attract a doctor (something that, before my ex, I probably would have never thought - I was deeply insecure).

The main thing, though, is that I thought to myself "I'm glad this break-up happened." I haven't had this until now. There was always residual regret or 'what ifs'. But I am realising that I am worth so much more than what I was given. I deserve a peaceful relationship with someone who's as emotionally healthy as I am. I deserve someone who won't rage at me and project his bad feelings/guilt about his family onto me. I deserve someone who won't ditch me because his family doesn't want him to marry outside their culture. I deserve someone who chooses me and me alone. I deserve someone who is invested in the relationship just as much as he's invested in bettering himself. I deserve someone who won't get engaged to someone else within weeks of us breaking up.

I genuinely believe all of this. I still have moments when I miss him or when I am prone to ruminating, but they're becoming far less. I'm starting to see that eventually I will be free of this break-up and what happened. I also really *feel* in my heart that better things are on their way, and I refuse to give into an old belief I used to have that I'd always be alone. I no longer think that. But for now, I am going to continue to fill my life to ensure I am the happiest and most fulfilled I've ever been. And hopefully, eventually, someone who feels the same way as I do about him will come along and we'll join our two full lives and be happy together.

Hopeful

[willtimeheal]

That's great news hopeful. I am really happy for you. My big break through came when I was out with friends one night. We were laughing and having a good time and then I had that moment where I realized if I was still with my exBPD I would have missed this moment with my friends cuz I was never allowed to see my friends due to her insecurities. I realized at that moment I didn't need to check my watch to make sure I didn't stay out too late so she wouldn't be mad or upset. And I didn't get one nasty email saying I was a loser for hanging out with my friends and not her. That was a huge eye opening moment and although I struggle sometimes still, I have been out of the BPD relationship for two years, I know I am going to be fine. Yes therapy and family and friends helped the most. I was and am fortunate to be surrounded by incredible people who love me and want the best for me. But I will never forget that feeling that night of pure freedom. It was intoxicating.
So happy for you hopeful. You do deserve the best. Keep that positive attitude. It sounds good on you!

[married21years]

well done 

[Trip09]

Hopeful83... This post, just 

I feel exactly how you have expressed yourself here (disputed my recent post on the boards)... Although I have my moments, or feel "stuck" as another member put it, finally seeing how much value you really are is the most amazing gift...

I used to have that I'd always be alone. I no longer think that. But for now, I am going to continue to fill my life to ensure I am the happiest and most fulfilled I've ever been. And hopefully, eventually, someone who feels the same way as I do about him (herself for me) will come along and we'll join our two full lives and be happy together.

Great words, and words I'll re-read in those stuck moments! Its nice to read something uplifting on here, thanks for inspiring

[DreamerGirl]

It's so encouraging to read your post Hopeful83, thank you.

It's really early for me to be chipping in here, because it's been only 31 days since he discarded me.  That is the longest NC in our relationship of 4.5 years.

I made the decision I would never go back for another recycle and immediately began working on myself, my self-esteem and putting my trust out to the universe.  I'm meditating and re-training my thought processes, which I understand is not going to happen overnight.

But I did want to comment, and just say, even though I haven't yet travelled that far down the road, I have also had, in the last week, some breakthrough moments.  They have almost floored me, because I haven't been expecting them.

It's like the fog lifts and I feel this sense of freedom.  Truly like I have escaped. Just knowing that now I can actually, one day, meet a man who will treat me with the love and respect that I am worth, makes me feel joy.  And really small things, like getting home from work and not having to constantly check my phone, in case he's texted and I take too long to respond, which would have then caused him to feel rejected.  I don't need to worry about that anymore.  No more silent treatments, no more wondering, when he goes radio silent, who he is with.

I can't wait for more breakthrough moments, they feel amazing and are giving me the strength to keep NC.

[GoingBack2OC]

I had a breakthrough just yesterday. My exBPDgf has once again vanished. No responses. I'm sure she's just "busy".

But I am in need of answers on a few things from her. It's pretty frustrating when all I'm asking for is a 5 minute call to answer a few questions - which are important and need to be resolved.

So yesterday it hit me, all the anger, the frustration, and yes, still love... .

I realized, I had nothing to say anymore. I realized, yes, I need to talk to her, for her answers. But she is used to me wanting to talk to her, me wanting her, etc.

I realized yesterday, and it was epiphany to say the least, that she knows the question already, the answer I need.

I have nothing I need to say. Theres nothing left to say... .it just doesnt matter.