What's with Hate Letters

[sparrowfarfrom home]

I have been NC since 5/2015  w my u BPDsis  who is living w/taking care of my 87 yo uBPD mom.

I have told my non BPD bro that I would love to be able to have contact  by phone  w my mom  whom I have some affection for. Mom was always apologetic for her behavior but sis was always  vengefully, vindictively, relentlessly unapologetic for her own . He said, no, it would make them 'crazy' like touching an angry boil. Best to leave them be. Like touching a beehive. They couldn't handle it.
someone sent them an invitation to a wedding shower and my sis called my brother and screamed about it for an hour. Like someone sent her a bomb threat... .

Sis has pushed away and banned all friends and congregation members who would like to visit, and help with mom for the last 10 years.

Sis wrote me hate filled letters in 2007 in which she called me "vile" (seriously, I can't think of a person I have met in 63 yrs that I would categorize as vile).

 In the last 3 years she also wrote the same type of letter to my mom's (and my) closest friend as well.

Now I hear she has written these hate letters to several other people in the congregation.  These ones have left them alone at her demand, but still she writes.

Has anyone experienced this behavior,  and can you shed light on what is going on in her mind?

Why do they write hate letters to people they want to stay away from them and actually do stay away from them?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY sparrowfarfrom:   

So sorry about your situation with you mom and sister.  I'm wondering if your sister has collectively painted the church members black.  Is there an inheritance that your sister is being possessive of?

Have both your sister and mom been members of the church whose members your sister sends hate letters to?

Has your sister's behavior gotten worse with age?  Could she be paranoid?  Has she ever had therapy and possibly some meds?

[HappyChappy]

Has anyone experienced this behavior,  and can you shed light on what is going on in her mind?

Why do they write hate letters... .

Hi Sparrowfarfrom,

Sorry to here about these hate letters, not the sort of thing a sister should be writing, it must be awful for you to have to just sit back and watch this. But if you ever needed proof your sister has BPD, they might come in handy.

I think many members can relate to their BPD pushing people away using hateful language. It is also common for a BPD to isolate family members. It’s all about anchoring someone, making it harder for them to escape. It’s all about control. If they control the communication coming into the household, they can better control the household.

Stalin (who’s considered to have a PD) famously started the "atheist five year plan", to eradicate all religion from Russia, in the belief that it competed for his ultimate power (as a Dictator).

But more importantly, how is this all affecting you ? What’s your plan for coping with it all ? 

[Notwendy]

One of the characteristics of pw BPD is a tendency to isolate their partners and other family members- probably out of fear - of the unknown, of abandonment, and maybe more that we don't understand. Controlling things helps alleviate that. I've also experienced the dividing of members of the family into "sides". My mother did this- if a family member was on "her side" then they weren't on "my side" as if we were two sides of some kind of conflict that didn't really exist.

I don't know if it is paranoia, or part of the drama triangle, maybe both.

I saw this with my mother when my father became ill. This was a very stressful time for all of us. It would make sense that my mother was scared- but I think she projected this on to others as us "doing this to her". One way she coped with things being out of control was to be more controlling- of others. If I called my father, she listened in on the conversation. If I brought some food he liked into the house, she would throw it out. Anything that came into the house or went out, had to be OK'd by her. It seemed that even good intentions were perceived as doing something with bad intentions to her.

Your sister may both get satisfaction from taking care of your mother as well as feel resentful. It isn't easy to take care of an elderly parent- even the nicest of them. As difficult as her behavior is, what she is doing is beneficial to all of you. Yet it is sad to have a barrier between you and your mother at this stage of her life.

I really felt in a no win situation with my father. As you can see if you read my posts, I wished I could have seen him more, but the reality was- my mother's BPD and their relationship was a barrier that I didn't know how to cope with and maybe it wasn't possible to do things any differently. If I have any advice, it is not to take this personally. It's a reflection of your sister, not you.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Naughty Nibbler--- no there is no inheritance at issue here. Yes both mom and sis were members. ... .but mom had 25 years of connections w people there .  Lots of friends. My sis was new and had no connections in the congregation.
Yes... .she has gotten worse w age, and yes--VERY  paranoid. She is an invisible, high functioning BPD,  so no therapy and no meds.

CHAPPY- I finally, successfully integrated knowlege about this disorder  4 years ago and felt it necessary to go  NO CONTACT w my sister over a year ago ---One of the most freeing acts in my life.

How it all affects me? Sad to not to be able to change the situation... .yet wise enough to know how broken my sister is, and how impossible it would be to fix it all at this point.

NOTWENDY yes... .she isolates mom due to fear... .fear of what I do not know. She has cut everyone out of their lives. People who would be happy to help, and in so doing rages against all for having to carry the load all by herself.

Yes, she IS a great help. Yes she mixes satisfaction  about taking good care of mom e resentment that no one is there for them. A catch 22

But why all the targeted hate letters?
.

[Notwendy]

People with BPD have difficulty managing their own bad feelings. They tend to project them on to others. When dysregulated by bad feelings they tend to verbally let loose. Sometimes when they are done- they feel better - almost like a person with a stomach ache feels better after they throw up whatever was bothering their stomach. Yet if we are on the other end of this- it can be upsetting.

My best guess is that the hate letters are her way of doing this. In the moment- she feels what she writes. But after that - she may feel better and reconsider- not being fully aware of the effect they have on the receiver.

[Lilyroze]

  Sparrowfarfromhome,

I am so sorry you have had that kind of letters sent to you, the hurt is immense in these type situations. I am glad you have the board and support here.

I think deep down each human being knows we need love, respect and contact. With those with BPD/NPD it is all about them, their needs, their need to attach.

As healthy nons it hurts us, puzzles us and we search within for answers of what did we do wrong, how can we fix it?  For me my magical day was putting a name to it, understanding it, and realizing it was not me.

Then the healing, dealing with repressed feelings, why I tended to take abuse or care taking to non in return from some.

I have a sister and Mother in a slightly similar situation. It is hard when trying to understand, it is sometimes repressed feelings or silent tears that are the worse. Until you can understand it is them, the illness. It is not you, nor did you or the Church members or friends deserve. In my case it was also embarrassing that they would act that way towards kind others, or me when all I did was try.

I think deep down your sister has so much rage and anger perhaps. I would surmise that at times she would like help and knows your Mom needs friends and contacts. The only one standing in the way of that is her shutting people out and your Mom and her dynamics of letting Sis run the show. So the letters are sent as projections of her rage, and hurting your Mom. Since she can't look within, say she is sorry to those she shut out, ask for help due to her pride and mental problems, she rages within and without. Without by sending hurtful messages, letters, shutting you all and then blaming you for the treatment she gives you.

You don't deserve it, and didn't ask for it. You can't control them, cure them or and you certainly didn't cause it.

I wish you peace on your journey. Glad you have the ability to see the illness, try to not take it personally ( hard I truly know).

all my best,

LR  

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Yes HappyChappy,
if they can control all communication coming into the house, they can better control the household.

When I went up for a visit last year, my mom, when we were alone, tearfully asked why her best friend had stopped calling her or visiting her. This prompted me to have the friend call mom while I was there. She did not tell her that she had been banned from speaking to my mom, but just gracefully apologised.

She also sent kind cards adressed to both my mom and sister  so as to avoid jealousy.

The backlash was HORRENDOUS. That's when I went NC.     I was done with the drama that lasted 50 years.

[Notwendy]

My mother banned some of her friends and family from speaking to me.

What astounds me is that these people have known me since infancy and were significant adult figures to me growing up, and they are grown adults who can decide for themselves who to speak to or not. Yet, they "obeyed" her orders as if they were children and just like that, ended a decades long relationship with me.

I kept thinking about the kids I have known since they were babies and the role I played as an adult in their lives. If someone told me to stop speaking to them, I wouldn't comply. It would be so hurtful to them, and I would miss them.

I even tried to contact them and they told me they couldn't speak to me because they were told not to.

Mom didn't just control who spoke to who. If I brought some food in the house that she didn't authorize, she threw that out. Once I took a bag of trash to the dumpster because she didn't want it in the trash can. This didn't seem to make sense- other than for control.

People use control as a way to manage anxiety. If they feel out of control in general, they may try to control the part of their life that they feel they can.

[Notwendy]

oh and the backlash when you interfere with their control is horrendous!

Like you, I stepped away from the drama, not fully NC but LC. I didn't see any other way. My mother also "forbid" me from contacting the relatives she banned me from. I did it anyway. I knew she'd have a fit but I didn't let that stop me. They complied with her though. That's when I gave up trying to have a relationship with them. I figured if they didn't choose to have one with me, it didn't seem to make sense to keep trying. But it really felt hurtful at the time.

I suspect your mother's friends are probably sad, but don't know how to get past sis. Very sad for her, but this is the choice that was made. It isn't your responsibility to try to change it.

[isilme]

Yes - all my life I remember my father writing angry letters to his FOO, to his ex-wife, and later, when he kicked me out, I was on the receiving end of a few.  He liked to write on top of carbon paper, so he could get multiple copies, hand written, multiple legal pages long.  In this way he notified me I was disowned, a whore, and lots of fun things (I was a virgin up to 3 years more after he kicked me out at 19, and have only had one lover my whole life, who I married), and that he'd cancelled my health insurance (I was sick at the time he disowned me).  He sent these letters certified mail to my dorm, H's then apartment, and H's parents' house, hoping I'd be such an embarrassment I'd be homeless and have to crawl back to him.

He then dug up my diary from the ages of 11-19, copied what he thought were juicy pages and mailed them out to my whole FOO and H's parents, again, to make them hate me and also kick me out.

A few year later, after being NC with him but knowing he was stalking me quietly, I got a letter mailed to me at work, stating how he couldn't wait for me to come back to him on my hands and knees in a fit of depression.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY sparrowfarfrom home:  

Naughty Nibbler--- no there is no inheritance at issue here. Yes both mom and sis were members. ... .but mom had 25 years of connections w people there .  Lots of friends. My sis was new and had no connections in the congregation.
Yes... .she has gotten worse w age, and yes--VERY  paranoid. She is an invisible, high functioning BPD,  so no therapy and no meds.

I was curious about a possible inheritance, as that was something at issue with some recent posters, with older adult siblings still living with their parents (in disordered relationships).

My sister has had anger problems, which have escalated over the years.  She started to get as grumpy and critical as my father.  My sister painted me black, when my parent's health began to fail, and my sister and I had to work together.  Our parents both passed within 6 months of each other.  It was tough to lose both parents, but it was far worse to have to deal with my sister.

I didn't know the particulars about BPD, when my sister painted me black.  I was the one who went to therapy and learned that my sister likely is uBPD.  My sister is very involved with a Christian Church.  That was the hardest thing for me to understand.  How could someone appear to be a good church member, have very heavy social involvement with church members, but be such a horrible person around me.  

I guess it is the nature of the BPD beast, that family members are generally the object of their wrath.  A lot of things make sense to me now about my sister.  I've always wondered why her 3 children are/were so dysfunctional.  My sister always blamed everything on her ex.  Her ex-husband had his own issues, but I now tend to believe my sister played a part in her family dysfunction.  Her children certainly have been dysfunctional.  Her one son died of an accidental drug overdose, her other son married an older woman, when she got pregnant (his sister says he married the equiv. of his mom).  Her daughter, who is in her 40's, still lives with her and can't keep a job.  She has been on disability so often for various things, I think her only option for employment is with temp agencies. After learning a lot about BPD, I tend to think my niece might qualify as BPD.  My niece is currently in therapy and on a whole lot of meds for various things.  She says she has PTSD, after someone where she was working assaulted her.  I tend to think the assault was an event that brought a lot of other issues to light.

After reading a lot of posts, there is a common theme of various issues.  It can be hard to make sense of things.  I know that my sister has painted me as "the problem" to her church friends.  It can be hard to understand a religious person with BPD.  Their behavior is such a contradiction to what they seem to represent, in that they refuse to try and work on some of their issues.  My sister's disturbing actions definitely don't conform to biblical teachings and I continue to wrestle with how she can go to church and bible studies each week and continue to act the way she does.

Your sister's "hate letters" are hard to understand, as my sister's behavior has been hard for me to understand.  Guess we can only change how we react and interact.  

[sparrowfarfrom home]

People with BPD have difficulty managing their own bad feelings. They tend to project them on to others. When dysregulated by bad feelings they tend to verbally let loose. Sometimes when they are done- th

ey feel better - almost like a person with a stomach ache feels better after they throw up whatever was bothering their stomach. Yet if we are on the other end of this- it can be upsetting.

My best guess is that the hate letters are her way of doing this. In the moment- she feels what she writes. But after that - she may feel better and reconsider- not being fully aware of the effect they have on the receiver.

[sparrowfarfrom home]

Yes. Just like vomiting. These bad feelings are roiling in their stomachs I guess. And they have to get them out.

[Notwendy]

Yup, one of my coping mechanisms is that after visiting Mom, I do some self care to help get centered again. I used to rush home on the drive. Now, I may take a longer scenic route, stop for lunch, take a short walk in a nice place, listen to good music. It helps to get rid of any emotional baggage as a result of projections.

I wonder if there is some kind of ritual that can be done with the hate letters. Burn them in the yard with some prayers or songs maybe. Some way of letting the feelings go.

[Needless2say]

 

From my experience with my uBPD sister, it is ALL about control.  If she could not control she would make everyone miserable.  If she was fighting with me, no one could talk to me.  And trust me 99.5 percent of the time, we were fighting. 

She was also a big hate letter writer.  I wish I would have kept them.  I did keep one and recently reread it and laughed.  I wasn't laughing at the time, but now I am able to see how incredibly controlling she was.  And hateful.  And manipulative. 

I use the past tense because she is no longer a part of my life.  After unsuccessfully trying to keep Sis NC for years after my Mom recently passed she claimed she never wanted to see or speak to me ever again.  I am sure she thought she was hurting me but in actuality she was finally setting me free.  I have been doing the happy dance ever since. 

There has been no contact.  If someone brings her up, I simply say that she doesn't exist in my world anymore.  People give me a shocked look but they don't ask about her again.  I don't hate her, but I don't love her either.  And I sure do not miss the hate letters, the constant opinion of others who felt that they had to share their feelings about her to me or her constant need for control and attention.