Where I was before her vs. where I am now - the systematic tear-down of my life

[Depression = 72% of members]

I wanted to make a topic for people to reflect on where they were before their relationship with their BPD ex and where they ended up after the eventual discard. For context, I am a little over a month out from the discard that came out of nowhere and as part of this introspection process, I've done a lot of thinking about where my life is right now as compared to how things were before I ever met her. I don't know if thinking like this is healthy or beneficial but I figured that by writing this out, it may be a good exercise in not just realizing the damage that this person did but also focusing on the good things that existed before you ever knew them and possibly how to get said things back. I'm sure that many others are like me and spend a lot of time thinking about how things were DURING the relationship, I'm wondering if thinking about the before and after could aid in adding some perspective to this?

Directly before meeting BPD ex gf

• I had just moved to a new city, a major metropolitan area that I had always wanted to live in. I had worked my butt off for 6 months applying for jobs in this city and was finally able to have my plans come to fruition.
• I moved to one of the coolest/trendiest downtown neighborhoods in my city. Growing up, I always had a romanticized idea of living in this exact neighborhood and I was incredibly proud of myself that I had made it happen. I had an awesome 1 br apartment that I paid through the nose to get but it made me happy that I accomplished this.
• I was fresh out of a very long term relationship that ended due to logical reasons as things had been long distance for almost 2 years. I was still missing the person and trying to get used to being single but I was enjoying going out on my own and experiencing my new city in the way that I wanted to.
• I was an incredibly laid back person who had a great outlook on life and I always managed my stress extremely well. Nothing could get to me, I was never emotional about anything and felt as though I could face any challenge that the world threw at me due to never being riled up or shaken by any person or experience.
• I was hopeful for the future. I was in my mid 20s, I had just moved to the city where I always wanted to live, I loved my neighborhood and how it granted me walking distance access to everything that my city had to offer. I felt completely independent and autonomous, really ready to succeed in my career and also find out what things made me happy in life.

The month after being discarded by my BPD ex gf

• I live in a huge 2br apartment by myself with rooms that are completely empty. I picked up my life and moved here a few months ago because my BPD ex had gotten a new job down the street. Despite this location being somewhere that I would never choose to live and also being somewhere that left me with a hellish commute to work, I moved here to help her get her career off to a good start and make life easier for her.
• This neighborhood is incredibly isolated, I have always chosen to live in densely populated urban areas with a multitude of stores/restaurants/nightlife etc within a 5/10 minute walk. This place is the exact opposite. Not only is being here a constant reminder of her but it also makes it immensely difficult for me to get into the city, to be social and to do the things that I enjoy.
• I feel hopeless about life. I have a better job now than I did then but it doesn't matter. I put all of my hopes & dreams into the hands of a person who I was convinced that I would be with forever, now they are gone and don't care about me in the slightest. I feel like I don't even know how to take care of myself, like I lost this skillset entirely by trusting the words of a person who said that they would always be there for me no matter what. I've been trying to force myself to be social, to do things for myself etc. but it just doesn't seem natural. I feel as though I've lost everything that I cared about.
• I am constantly an emotional trainwreck. Every single day is a roller coaster of being reminded of her by inane things, ruminating about the good times and how I'll never have those again, wondering what she is doing and how she could so coldly toss me in the trash in the way that she did. I break down crying every few days for seemingly no reason, the calm and relaxed demeanor that I once had 24/7 seems to have been dismantled and replaced by constant emotional instability that can veer in any direction at the drop of a hat.

In summation, this person took me from a laid back, confident & independent go-getter to a miserable & hopeless person who spends the majority of their day wallowing in sadness and despair. On top of this, I allowed myself to be taken from a living situation that fulfilled me and provided me with enjoyment/satisfaction on a daily basis to one that provides nothing but constant loneliness, fear and incessant reminders of her even though she is long gone. When I look at things from this point of view, I almost wonder if this was her plan all along, to systematically tear-down everything about me and leave me in ruins, only able to feel like a shadow of my former self that existed when the relationship first began.

I have been trying to take more positive steps and control my own destiny. I've secured a new apartment that's perfect for me and in a neighborhood that I want to live in, still a month until I can move here but at least I was proactive in getting that taken care of. I've stopped trying to block all of the reminiscing thoughts of the good times and instead just tried to program my reaction to them - focusing on how this was all an illusion and how this person hurt me so badly rather than longingly wishing that I could experience these moments again. I've initiated no contact and as tough as it is to keep up with, I do truly believe that it will provide me with the best possible path to recovery from this.

I hope this topic makes sense and isn't just more rambling as I seem to have been doing that a lot lately. I would be curious to see the juxtaposition in the "before & after" in the lives of other people whom have had the unfortunate experience of being in a relationship with a BPD individual.

[pjstock42]

I wanted to make a topic for people to reflect on where they were before their relationship with their BPD ex and where they ended up after the eventual discard. For context, I am a little over a month out from the discard that came out of nowhere and as part of this introspection process, I've done a lot of thinking about where my life is right now as compared to how things were before I ever met her. I don't know if thinking like this is healthy or beneficial but I figured that by writing this out, it may be a good exercise in not just realizing the damage that this person did but also focusing on the good things that existed before you ever knew them and possibly how to get said things back. I'm sure that many others are like me and spend a lot of time thinking about how things were DURING the relationship, I'm wondering if thinking about the before and after could aid in adding some perspective to this?

Directly before meeting BPD ex gf

• I had just moved to a new city, a major metropolitan area that I had always wanted to live in. I had worked my butt off for 6 months applying for jobs in this city and was finally able to have my plans come to fruition.
• I moved to one of the coolest/trendiest downtown neighborhoods in my city. Growing up, I always had a romanticized idea of living in this exact neighborhood and I was incredibly proud of myself that I had made it happen. I had an awesome 1 br apartment that I paid through the nose to get but it made me happy that I accomplished this.
• I was fresh out of a very long term relationship that ended due to logical reasons as things had been long distance for almost 2 years. I was still missing the person and trying to get used to being single but I was enjoying going out on my own and experiencing my new city in the way that I wanted to.
• I was an incredibly laid back person who had a great outlook on life and I always managed my stress extremely well. Nothing could get to me, I was never emotional about anything and felt as though I could face any challenge that the world threw at me due to never being riled up or shaken by any person or experience.
• I was hopeful for the future. I was in my mid 20s, I had just moved to the city where I always wanted to live, I loved my neighborhood and how it granted me walking distance access to everything that my city had to offer. I felt completely independent and autonomous, really ready to succeed in my career and also find out what things made me happy in life.

The month after being discarded by my BPD ex gf

• I live in a huge 2br apartment by myself with rooms that are completely empty. I picked up my life and moved here a few months ago because my BPD ex had gotten a new job down the street. Despite this location being somewhere that I would never choose to live and also being somewhere that left me with a hellish commute to work, I moved here to help her get her career off to a good start and make life easier for her.
• This neighborhood is incredibly isolated, I have always chosen to live in densely populated urban areas with a multitude of stores/restaurants/nightlife etc within a 5/10 minute walk. This place is the exact opposite. Not only is being here a constant reminder of her but it also makes it immensely difficult for me to get into the city, to be social and to do the things that I enjoy.
• I feel hopeless about life. I have a better job now than I did then but it doesn't matter. I put all of my hopes & dreams into the hands of a person who I was convinced that I would be with forever, now they are gone and don't care about me in the slightest. I feel like I don't even know how to take care of myself, like I lost this skillset entirely by trusting the words of a person who said that they would always be there for me no matter what. I've been trying to force myself to be social, to do things for myself etc. but it just doesn't seem natural. I feel as though I've lost everything that I cared about.
• I am constantly an emotional trainwreck. Every single day is a roller coaster of being reminded of her by inane things, ruminating about the good times and how I'll never have those again, wondering what she is doing and how she could so coldly toss me in the trash in the way that she did. I break down crying every few days for seemingly no reason, the calm and relaxed demeanor that I once had 24/7 seems to have been dismantled and replaced by constant emotional instability that can veer in any direction at the drop of a hat.

In summation, this person took me from a laid back, confident & independent go-getter to a miserable & hopeless person who spends the majority of their day wallowing in sadness and despair. On top of this, I allowed myself to be taken from a living situation that fulfilled me and provided me with enjoyment/satisfaction on a daily basis to one that provides nothing but constant loneliness, fear and incessant reminders of her even though she is long gone. When I look at things from this point of view, I almost wonder if this was her plan all along, to systematically tear-down everything about me and leave me in ruins, only able to feel like a shadow of my former self that existed when the relationship first began.

I have been trying to take more positive steps and control my own destiny. I've secured a new apartment that's perfect for me and in a neighborhood that I want to live in, still a month until I can move here but at least I was proactive in getting that taken care of. I've stopped trying to block all of the reminiscing thoughts of the good times and instead just tried to program my reaction to them - focusing on how this was all an illusion and how this person hurt me so badly rather than longingly wishing that I could experience these moments again. I've initiated no contact and as tough as it is to keep up with, I do truly believe that it will provide me with the best possible path to recovery from this.

I hope this topic makes sense and isn't just more rambling as I seem to have been doing that a lot lately. I would be curious to see the juxtaposition in the "before & after" in the lives of other people whom have had the unfortunate experience of being in a relationship with a BPD individual.

[josephrl82]

I have been thinking about this very subject lately!  My relationship was only a year and a half, but was one of my most life changing events.  There were moments where it could have been catastrophic.  She jeopardized my job in more than one instance.

Before
*  I was emotionally stable
*  I was in incredible physical shape working out 4-6 days a week
*  I was well on my way to a management position in my company
*  I had no debt except my mortgage
*  I had over 20k in the bank
*  I had a truck that I loved that was paid off

After (She has 4 children and has lived off of nothing but government assistance)
*  I am on two different types of antidepressants
*  I was not able to go to the gym because of her fear that I was hitting on women there.  Physique gone!
*  I almost lost my job due to mental and emotional distress keeping me from performing properly.  She also caused me to be late on numerous occasions.  Needless to say I have not made any progress toward the management position.  If anything, I will more than likely be overlooked at this point.
*  I financed and am still paying for an engagement ring that I have not gotten back from her.
*  I traded in my beloved truck for a Cadillac Escalade so we could fit all of the children.  Have a payment on that now.
*  Bank account is bone dry.
*  She is pregnant (possibly if not probably mine) and with another man

[rfriesen]

Excellent topic -- taking stock of ourselves and our life paths from a broad view is important after going through an emotional rollercoaster that kept us focused (often with anxiety) only on the very next moment.

As so many of others here have described their experiences, I was knocked seriously off-stride by my relationship. It was a big blow to my confidence to have someone build me up so high and then to begin tearing me down so brutally. It wounded me deeply, and I was hurt and angry. I was also embarrassed when I realised how hard I had fallen for the feeling that someone needed me so badly, for all the times my ex told me she couldn't live a single day without me, that she never wanted to face another day without me by her side. There may be a fine line between "normal" expressions of love between new lovers and the unhealthy attachment that defined my relationship ... .but in hindsight, my ex crossed that line and not by a little. I felt silly for believing that my ex would always think she could hardly breathe without me. She might have believed it herself when she said it, but I was just as immature for believing it full-on.

I have been trying to take more positive steps and control my own destiny. I've secured a new apartment that's perfect for me and in a neighborhood that I want to live in, still a month until I can move here but at least I was proactive in getting that taken care of.

Wonderful! I know you might still feel stuck in the midst of despair and wallowing in sadness, but don't underestimate how big a step this is. The fact that you're able to take positive steps for yourself, to rebuild your life and move forward ... .will all pay off sooner or later. It's just one foot in front of the other, and eventually your confidence and positive sense of self will return on a surer footing than ever.

I've stopped trying to block all of the reminiscing thoughts of the good times and instead just tried to program my reaction to them - focusing on how this was all an illusion and how this person hurt me so badly rather than longingly wishing that I could experience these moments again.

This is also an important step. You've stopped trying to block your thoughts and feelings and instead you're observing your reaction to them. There's no need to rush the conclusions (that it was all an illusion and your ex played you) or the reprogramming. As hard as it is at times, the most important part of working through the emotions can be to sit with them, without trying to fix the conclusions or your inner "program".

I've initiated no contact and as tough as it is to keep up with, I do truly believe that it will provide me with the best possible path to recovery from this.

You've had great focus and commitment to this from day one, and think of the progress you've made already. Sounds like your attention and energy are squarely focused on moving forward, even as you deal with the emotional aftermath.

I hope this topic makes sense and isn't just more rambling as I seem to have been doing that a lot lately. 

Makes a lot of sense! And we all came here to ramble out our thoughts until they started making sense and, more importantly, we started being able to focus on ourselves and our recovery. Keep rambling away, it's always helpful to read your posts!

[pjstock42]

joseph,

My relationship was only a year and a a half as well, it's incredible how much damage these people can do in a relatively short amount of time. I think that the immense emotional intensity almost from day 1 made 1.5 years seem like 10 years and is maybe why it feels as though they've done 10 years of damage in only 15% of that time. I'm sorry for all of the losses that you've accrued and I will be praying for you that the baby is not yours.

rfriesen,

Thank you for the kind words as always, it makes me feel good to know that my ramblings are having even a small positive affect on others here. I suppose that in hindsight I do feel silly as you did for believing the lies that I was being fed. Before and during this whole relationship, I never once had any kind of thought that there were people out there who could say things like this & not mean them so I bought all of it and it gave me an incredible sense of fulfillment. I'll never know if she meant the things that she said when she said them and in all honesty, it doesn't really matter because it doesn't change the reality of where I am now. I truly never once thought that what I was experiencing was unhealthy in any way, it provided me with such joy and passion in my life all the way up until the last day that I ever saw her when she was still idealizing & love-bombing me despite her month+ long discard plan being so close to coming to fruition.

[married21years]

a pwBPD sees us as a constant reminder of their failures

this must be minimized at all costs

thats why they tear us down and destroy us

we are like a mirror that they look at. and in that reflection they look ugly and fat

thats my understanding

[pjstock42]

Something else that I've realized is how diligently she worked to make everything about my life about her in someway, did anyone else experience that?

Every hobby that I had before I knew her, she infiltrated her way into them. At the time, I thought she was being a good girlfriend and taking an interest in the things that I enjoyed but it was never a genuine interest and I think it was yet another method of control. In the beginning she would tease me about certain hobbies but tell me that she respected my need for personal time yet as things went on, she was constantly involving herself in these things and making sure that I associated her with everything that I did whether she was around or not. It really seems like this was part of her carefully crafted discard as once she left, things that I always liked for my own reasons seem ruined because they constantly remind me of her.

One example is this silly mobile phone game I play that she knew I liked and would sometimes poke fun at me in a lighthearted way about. She knew that this was just a hobby of mine that served as a form of escapism from the real world but that it did provide me with real enjoyment. In the last 2 weeks when she was scheming her sudden discard, she suddenly got very interested in this app and even downloaded it and started to interact with me on the game while I was at work etc. So of course now, any time I'm using this inane mobile app I am reminded of her because she made herself a part of it. It's almost like I was not allowed to have any hobby/activity/interest to myself, she worked her way into literally everything that I do with my spare time and after her sudden discard, it often feels like I have no escapism from the constant mental turmoil/trauma of all this because everything has some sort of association to her.

[lovenature]

Something else that I've realized is how diligently she worked to make everything about my life about her in someway, did anyone else experience that?

Yes, a pwBPD lacks a sense of self and has a need to attach to someone to give them that feeling of being a whole person. They mirror you to enmesh with you and become "one"; my ex. even told me once "let's become one".

They want someone who can make them feel better about themselves, of course only they can change how they truly feel about themselves-same goes for us.