Amicable Divorce

[anonymous_in_NV]

Has anyone gone through the situation with a UBPD where it was amicable.  My wife (suspected BPD, symptoms fit) and I are splitting yet she has refused everything in settlement.  The only thing she cares about is 50/50 custody.  This, for now, is a joint petition, uncontested divorce.  She insists I am screwing her but I have been upfront with her about splitting everything.  I offer half, she refuses then claims I am leaving her out to dry.  She is under the impression that everything will be just fine after the divorce and we will co-parent our 5 kids.  She really wants to be friends afterwards.  I don't mind being friends, I just worry that she has a plan.  She is a survivor and would not want nothing from the divorce if she didn't have a plan.  Why the charade?  Even she has admitted that if she was going to screw me and go after every cent she could have done it by now.  What is her angle? please help.

[ArleighBurke]

Strange.

I'd say just document everything! If you offer something, and she says no - have some proof of that just in case she come after you legally later.

Or change your tact - tell her that the 50% is for the kids.

Perhaps even "set aside" 50% in a separate account - for her later if needed. If she does come to you legally later, you want to deal with that as easily and quickly as possible or the legal bills will be horrible.

Maybe she is saying no because she subsonsciously wants to be able to be the victim later - so she can wail about "poor her" and "my horrible ex-husband".

Who knows how their minds work really... .?

[married21years]

hi

she may have a lifeboat to jump to

ie an other

mine is the same, likes going around painting me black

even though divorce settlement is she get house and i pay it off and put my daughter through college

the mental is strong with that one!

[Flutterby32]

I made the mistake of using that word, amicable, in my breakup letter to my ex who I will soon be officially divorced from.

I was hoping that the breakup could be amicable, but as was typically the case with her, she had to make it difficult, while still talking as if it could be amicable.

I can't wait for it to officially be over.

[ForeverDad]

Play it safe... .Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

[Dutched]

A WHAT with a UBPD? An amicable divorce? 
Sorry for that cynism!

ForeverDad  can’t be beaten. Short as possible and spot on!

  I offer half, she refuses then claims I am leaving her out to dry.  She is under the impression that everything will be just fine after the divorce and we will co-parent our 5 kids.  She really wants to be friends afterwards.  I don't mind being friends, I just worry that she has a plan.  She is a survivor and would not want nothing from the divorce if she didn't have a plan.  Why the charade?

Don’t be mislead by that. Lovely words have magic in them, don’t they.

You are the persecutor (or the bad parent), one way or the other, you are ( that’s in her mind)
That persecutor (bad parents) must be satisfied with good behaviour again. So the lovable child is shown.

Like these ones?
‘I don’t care, all objects can be replaced!’, about furniture, etc.
Or exHFBPDw saying to me: ‘when everything is over, we can go out again and having fun, don’t we?’…

# absolutely separate emotions from business! Love is emotion, divorce is law!
# evidence only is needed in court, see to that to back up any claims. Your lawyer is there for the strategy!
# “educate” him that it will NOT be a normal case! That is important as lawyers in general tent to “handle just another similar case” another plain straight forward divorce.
# as much as possible, stick to your claim. Ex wife filed for divorce. We as the receiving party waited for the chaos to begin, as ex “feeds” her lawyer with dissociative facts.
#remember: FEELINGS = FACT for a BPD! So use it in your advantage.
# a BPD will try to act behind your back, prepare and stay prepared
However that might be easy. Yes, because of their dissociative way of thinking. Remember it is a very, very emotional process for a BPD (as for us, but really more for them!). In such a mental state they stay predictable(!), use that.
# let the stbex shoot the ball, but be aware you have your FACTS right. She mailed you? So save/print/copy whatever can be of use! Make notes, mentioning dates/ times and (if any) witnesses!

# a BPD will try to hurt you on your most sensitive spot. You know which it is, so be prepared => think outside that box to safeguard your belongings/interests…

# do not engage with stbex, seeing/speaking you will be a trigger (remember you are the cause of their pain!)
So, if needed use S.E.T. and ONLY BY MAIL (facts!)

Please don't be misleaded and watch your back! 

[anonymous_in_NV]

So, she signed papers that were completely in my favor.  Throughout this, I know that she has felt ashamed and guilty.  I am still waiting for the ball to drop.  I have so many questions!

[ForeverDad]

Answers from her?  As hard as it is to accept, you're unlikely to get a satisfactory response from her.  If you're looking for closure then you may have to Gift yourself closure.

Don't worry overmuch that the papers were "completely in your favor".  While you know you couldn't expect fairness, reasonableness and reciprocity from your Ex, you can be reasonable in the future.  What that means is that rather than being obligated by an order (which could just as easily have been not in your favor), now you can ponder the circumstances and choose what to do and feel good about it.

[anonymous_in_NV]

The other day she said she wanted closure too.  She also again stated the she hoped we would find each other again someday.  I know this is off topic of divorce, but I am entangled with her and always will be.  For now, I need her to help with the children or else I cannot afford to maintain the lives the children have.  I need to set boundaries but have no idea on how to do that or enforce them without her losing it.  Do I tell her I know she has been lying and probably moved in with someone new?  That is, do I confront her with all that I know now or let sleeping dogs lie.  I don't want to be perpetually taken advantage of. 

[ForeverDad]

Once divorced, spouses revert to being single adults.  That means by and large you choose how you live and by and large she chooses how she lives.  I can think of two areas where your now-separate lives would overlap: (1) parenting arrangements and (2) alimony payments that would be limited if the recipient entered into an intimate relationship.

Edit... .Well, a third area would be when/how the children would be introduced to the new BF/GF.  Sometimes too the new BF/GF could have a criminal record that is concerning regarding contact with the children.

[anonymous_in_NV]

So, our arrangement is she watches the kids at my house while I am at work then leaves when I get home.  I know this is a bad idea, but at least the kids are somewhat totally in my control for now.  I am thinking that maybe once the divorce is final, she will tell me she is living with someone.  If she knew this ahead of the divorce and wanted the kids to live with her week on/off, she would have asked for more child support.  She probably could have gotten around 3K/month.  She signed papers that gave her 400/month.

I am really curious about how bad an idea it is for the kids to stay at my house and she watches them while I am at work.  I avoid daycare costs this way.  On paper we have 50/50 custody, week on week off.  We decided outside of court our arrangement of them just being at my place.

[ForeverDad]

Probably best to never ever tell her what she could have done better in the divorce settlement.  As I wrote before, you will feel better providing the required support — and as appropriate additional help — rather than feeling obligated in an onerous order.  Count yourself fortunate not to have as controlling and as demanding an ex-spouse as most here have.  We don't have much flexibility with our boundaries, reasonable exceptions we might make are typically perceived as weakness and then we have to reinforce our boundaries all over again.

If you are potentially able to pay higher child support then financial resources are not the problem with daycare or after school care.  That's something to keep in mind, especially once all the children are old enough to be in school or preschool.  Or if/when she starts being a no-show for sitting.  Keep in mind that most daycares stop providing services when the children reach 12 years of age.

Maybe she would rather keep a minimal parenting role, being more comfortable with that role?  After a while you'll probably discern what her comfort level is.

Most here who have gone through high conflict divorces have to maintain a clear distinction, or boundary, between homes.  Maybe that won't be an issue for you long term.  Just be aware that if you do need to set that boundary, you are not a bad person for needing to do that.

[Turkish]

Once divorced, spouses revert to being single adults.  That means by and large you choose how you live and by and large she chooses how she lives. 

Sometimes this is hard to accept, but it's true. Hard for the kids to accept as well, but as my T said about my then 4 year old son "Mom's r/s is none of his business." That may be much harder to take, depending upon who and how she brings a partner into their lives. As FD said, though, be vigilant about who she brings in. There may be a point at which you need to take action to keep your children safe if she isn't.

[anonymous_in_NV]

At one point, I did tell her she needed to be careful about who she introduced to the kids.  Her response was "I know better than anyone how important that is".  Her past is a sad story filled with sexual abuse.  Hopefully she really feels this way about her children.

[Turkish]

My Ex was molested as a little girl. This only came out 1.5 years after she left when we were in a joint session with my T to discuss how to go forward after our then S3 was molested by her teenage uncle. I always had a gut feeling that my Ex was a victim, but she denied it the one time I had asked years before.

My Ex also is good at saying "the children are number 1 in my life, the most important thing." While she is doing better now, her actions demonstrated the opposite. It depended upon her mood (the emotional instability of a pwBPD) and circumstance. She introduced the kids to her affair partner within a day or so of moving out of our home. It took months of our then S4's angry behaviors escalating towards her for her to finally admit that she "made a mistake" of doing that. She didn't see the pain she was causing the kids until it hurt her. Even so, it was minimization.

[sanemom]

I think it is great that she just agreed... .it may be she has plans for something new right now that are distracting her.  Enjoy it while you can... .

From what I've seen, if you move on with your life, the "amicable" part may end quickly.  That is not to say do not move on, just move on as quietly as you can.