BPD ex - A thief of your time, resources, energy, mental & emotional health

[pjstock42]

This is something that is really bothering me today and while I apologize for inundating the board with posts lately, it really is helpful to get my thoughts out here and see how other people can relate.

We all know about the process of acceptance, the detachment steps to freedom. We know that there is no set timetable as to how long this will take or even which stages will happen in which order, if there will be setbacks to prior phases / overlapping of phases etc. One thing that really seems to be serving as a big roadblock to me as I try to move towards acceptance is how violated I feel after my BPD ex gf's discard due to what I feel as though has been stolen from me. Without playing the victim card too much here, my mind can't stop focusing on how much of a complete and total waste the last ~1.5 years of my life were as a result of this person. I can blame my BPD ex all I want but in the end, my mind wants to focus on myself and I've been constantly beating myself up for having allowed myself to waste so much on a person who didn't deserve even a minute of my time.

My BPD ex stole 1.5 years of my mid-late 20s, the prime of my life and I will never get that time back. They stole tens of thousands of dollars from me by telling me that we were building something that would last forever which in my mind, made this a sound investment that was worth every cent. They stole my energy & effort that I poured into them for all of that time - they were happy to watch me drastically alter my life for them and dangled the carrot of "we'll be together forever" in my face as the bait. She stole my mental & emotional stability and left me as a fragile and broken down mess, she used manipulation to make me open up in ways that I never had before and used these vulnerabilities to destroy me in the most hurtful way possible.

What perhaps hurts the most of all of the things that she stole from me is the fact that I could have been using this time, this energy, this effort & these resources to be building something with someone who was actually deserving of it all. I could have been building something incredible with a person who actually loved me and who would be with me for the long run instead of someone who said these things but had no intention of following through on them. What if I never met her and I met a non a few months later and entered into a relationship with them, where would I be now instead of in this constant loop of self doubt and emotional trauma? I worked with the information that was provided to me and never once thought for even a second that this information wasn't 100% legitimate.

I know that I cannot change the past, I know that these hindsight thoughts probably serve me no benefit in this healing process but they won't go away. I truly feel as though I was robbed of so many things that I will never get back and to have these things stolen under the premise of "true love" makes it all the more painful. As bad as this is in itself, it's made worse when my mind is constantly telling me that no one else could possibly understand how much this hurts outside of the person who actually hurt me. I feel like no one could know how much I enjoyed even the most mundane things like seeing her in the morning or seeing her when she got home from work, even though I know that this meant nothing to her due to how effortlessly she was willing to throw it away in an instant. Does anyone else feel like this? I feel like I'm in a hopeless state because I can't talk to my friends about this as they wouldn't understand so my mind wants to talk to her about it but I am in NC and will not break it for any reason. It almost feels like Stockholm Syndrome, my mind is convinced that not only is the person who did this to me the only one who could understand my pain but also the only one who could fix it.

I'll continue to sit here and ruminate about where my life could be if she never stole all of these things from me. I'll wonder if I even have these things to give anymore or if this person swooped into my life and thieved me of all of these things that I will never get back and thus never have available to give to anyone else. This whole process seems like an unending loop of '1 step forward 2 steps back' and today especially feels more like 10 steps back.

[SoMadSoSad]

She cant understand you. She probably cant even bring herself to think about you. She doesnt allow herself to feel this type of pain because for her it is suicide. THis is why they have the defense mechanisms of splitting black, replacing, and projection.

[pjstock42]

She cant understand you. She probably cant even bring herself to think about you. She doesnt allow herself to feel this type of pain because for her it is suicide. THis is why they have the defense mechanisms of splitting black, replacing, and projection.

This is where the mental conflict comes in because as much as I know this in my logical brain, my emotional brain is absolutely convinced that she would understand. I won't be contacting her and I'm not worried about ever breaking that, it's more that I want to break myself free from the mental imprisonment of having any belief that this person could provide any kind of relief to me in regards to what she has put me through.

[GoingBack2OC]

Not to sound coarse here, but my friend, you are in your 20s, you are fine.

I wasted 5 years from 31 to 36... .I'm 37 now.

Honestly, you will be fine if you get your game together, and just put yourself out there. Honestly, I had an awesome time dating girls after my previous break up, I was 30-31.

How do I feel now? Well I'm 37, so I feel older, or more perhaps just beat up by a girl who honestly never deserved me. Am I angry? At times. More frustrated. I realize she is sick. She's not right. Never was. Always made bad decisions.

So I have to own that, for not just walking away.

But I'll be ok too. I still have game. And soon, when I am ready I'll start dating again. I am not one to exit one relationship and enter a new one right away. I need time to reflect, heal, and get centered.

Use this time to do just that. Work on yourself.

You're very young, trust me. When I panicked about turning 30, my Mom said to me:  When you turn 40, 30 will have never seemed so good. Enjoy this time.

She's right. Forget about the 1.5 years. Some people on this board are suffering from 20 year marriages that fell apart, have children with their exs.

Thats a loss of nearly a lifetime. Did I lose out, yea sure, but I learned a lot. And so did you, you learned a LOT from this. Use it.

[chillamom]

Hi, pjstock42,

I'm right where you are, ruminating about the lost years (8 in my case) and the lost time.  I'm ruminating about the relationships I left in shambles to be with my ex: the strained relationship with my oldest daughter, the marriage that had long been loveless but just MAYBE could have been salvaged, the career opportunities that passed me by because it would have taken time away from him.  I'm nowhere near as young as you (in fact I'm twice your age plus, ) but the fact that nearly a decade of my life has been preoccupied with his needs and his emotions and his madness weighs heavily upon me.

I have been reading many posts on here, however, that talk about the "gift" of the relationship.  Although I'm having a hard time seeing it right now for myself, is it possible that the gift for you is a rare level of self-awareness, compassion, and emotional intelligence that could NEVER have come about if not for your ex?  Speaking as a psychologist (ironic considering who I was involved with) the late 20's and early 30's are a typical "transition" time for young adults, and you would likely be taking stock of your life in some manner to begin with.  The fact that you are able to bring such insight and empathy into your next phase with you is something that most people wouldn't be able to do in their youth.

I believe that the poet Mary Oliver once said (and I'm probably messing up the quote: "Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness.  It took me years to understand that this too was a gift."

Here's to the exploration of possible silver linings, perhaps?  I feel like we are all mining for gold amidst a mountain of wreckage, but we need to have faith that it's there somewhere.  I hope you find the gift in it all soon, and if it comforts you, there are a lot of us here, I'm sure, in the process.

[pjstock42]

GoingBack,

You're totally right, I know that many here have it much worse in terms of time investments and children being involved. I definitely wasn't trying to undermine those people and I can't imagine how much worse this must be for them, thank you for that perspective. I suppose everything is relative in these circumstances so this will continue to feel like the end of the world for me until I'm able to pull myself out of this spiral and look at things from an external point of view.

[pjstock42]

chillamom,

I'm so sorry that you lost 8 years of your life to this, thank you for sharing your experience with me. Even though I had nowhere near as long of an experience as you did, I totally understand what you mean when you mention how "MAYBE' things could have been salvaged, that self-doubt is crushing.

I appreciate the positivity in terms of looking for the "gift" from this, I don't think I'm at the right place yet to find or even look for this but I will definitely keep it in mind. More than anything, I don't want to let this destroy me for the long term even though that's exactly what it's doing right now.

[SoMadSoSad]

You know what helps well with healing? Crying. I know sometimes its hard to cry so do you have anything that would make you very emotional about your ex that might help you cry? If not you could try listening to some songs that might reflect how you feel. Here are two:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0BEJEIqAE8

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiQIc7fG9pA

[pjstock42]

Well, not proud to admit it but I've already done that today SoMad.

It comes out of nowhere and I've stopped trying to suppress it, I just let it go and when it's done with I snap myself out of it and feel slightly better. I do kind of feel sick of even being around myself with how emotional I've been because I'm not used to it at all but hopefully this will get better in time.

[SoMadSoSad]

Yea i figured this out recently that ive been blocking emotions due to autonomous defence/coping mechanisms. This hinders the healing process. As a man it is especially hard because we are taught to be tough and stay strong and crying is seen as weak. The funny thing is crying does make you tough. It means you can take the grunt of the hit and get back up even stronger than before. Suppressing emotions is for the weak imo and those who cant handle the emotions. Besides if youre not letting it out its only going to build up

[pjstock42]

Totally agree about the emotions building up inside if you suppress them. It is really hard for me to cry being a man because like you said, we're brought up to not do this. I think before this whole ordeal I had cried once in my entire adult life and that was when my dad was in the hospital yet now it happens every few days at least.

I have this one thought, of her walking back through our apartment door and me hugging her - this makes me start to cry every single time I think of it and it's starting to happen right now. I hope that this thought won't trigger such a reaction forever.

[drained1996]

"I have this one thought, of her walking back through our apartment door and me hugging her - this makes me start to cry every single time I think of it and it's starting to happen right now. I hope that this thought won't trigger such a reaction forever."

I can promise you it will not. 

I see you are still dealing with the pain of the trauma, and that's ok.  It's all part of the process.  I will point out during mine, I think I kept looking for an answer, and I kept thinking that answer would flip a switch and everything would be alright.  I found plenty of answers and switches turned on, only to have more questions pop up and so goes the cycle.  Essentially I had to do it little by little... .and I still am.
I also needed help along my way, not only from here, but from a good therapist.  That may be an answer that helps flip a lot of switches for you... .

[rfriesen]

Without playing the victim card too much here, my mind can't stop focusing on how much of a complete and total waste the last ~1.5 years of my life were as a result of this person.

Even if it is playing the victim card, you suffered a sudden and unexpected ending to a relationship you were all-in on, thinking it would last a lifetime. Nothing surprising or wrong with the fact that you're hurt and angry. That's a healthy reaction to what you've experienced. Be open to that hurt and anger and let it run its course.

My BPD ex stole 1.5 years of my mid-late 20s, the prime of my life and I will never get that time back.

That much is certainly true. I've struggled a lot with the question whether I would want to have the time with my ex back, if that were possible. I've often thought yes. I was much happier before meeting my ex than I am now. But I'm also now feeling better week by week. And I feel like I'll recover happiness in a deeper sense. I certainly place a lot more value on sincerity and genuine relationships. I feel it's really sunk in that life is short and I don't want to give my time and energy to another relationship that is all about intensity of feelings without also having a strong foundation of trust and stability. That said, I wouldn't have learned this lesson on such a gut level if I hadn't been through what I have with my ex and the aftermath of that relationship.

I can't say I've found it easy to accept this point of view ... .but the truth is, it wasn't wasted time for me, because the pain and the loss have taught me a lot. And, while I still can't really remember the good times in a positive way, I can feel that will come too. It still hurts like hell thinking about the way our relationship disintegrated, but the intense emotional and physical connection I experienced with my ex ... .I'm happy I experienced that, even if I don't want that intense instability again. I would be lying to myself if I said it didn't still mean a lot to me, however painful the ending.

What perhaps hurts the most of all of the things that she stole from me is the fact that I could have been using this time, this energy, this effort & these resources to be building something with someone who was actually deserving of it all.

As others have mentioned, you're still in a pretty sweet spot! You're young and when you've processed this experience, you can use your time, energy, effort, and resources to build something with someone who deserves it.
Don't get me wrong. I know how miserable and endless those weeks after the break-up feel. You're angry, hurt, sad, miss your ex even though you hate her for doing this to you, still love her nonetheless, feel sick of your own emotional turmoil that you can't get away from ... .man, I can relate and I do not ever want to experience the worst of those lows again. At the same time, it can help to remember that this experience has only cost you a year and a half. You're in your 20s. You have a lifetime ahead of you. Time is on your side. You're only weeks from the break-up. Things will get better, you'll be a lot wiser and stronger and ready to find that person who deserves it all.

[rfriesen]

Of course, you know your ex infinitely better than any of us here can through reading your posts. So you'll draw your own conclusions. And there's no rush on that. It's normal in the time after breaking up that your anger and hurt would make you feel this was malicious and done to hurt you. And as you've explained how the break-up went, there may have been momentary elements of that. But as so many of us have experienced, people with BPD or BPD traits cannot form and hold a stable personality. It's such a painful and frustrating thing to experience and come to grips with, because we feel that their expressions and sensations of love seem so real and deep and sincere ... .and yet they throw all that away suddenly as though it actually meant nothing. And we're left feeling, what could that be if not deliberate cruelty?

Well, I still struggle with this myself. I'm still angry. And that anger is justified, I think, because my ex recognised her instability, recognised that it hurt her and was ruining us, said she would do anything to be with me ... .and yet just couldn't be bothered to actually try. So I'm not telling you your anger isn't justified. Absolutely it is. Just it's possible that both things are true - on the one hand, your ex cut you to pieces with the way she left and you should be angry, and on the other, she really felt madly in love with you and hoped that your relationship might save her. She just couldn't sustain that, for whatever internal reasons and struggle she's dealing with.

It still makes my head spin to think that my ex could both love me so much and then push that all away so violently. Yet that, at the end of the day, is really what seems to have happened. I've had to learn to let myself feel all the horrible mix of emotions that come with that, while getting on with life and slowly slowly seeing that the emotions do start to calm down and form a more balanced whole. And I think you'll find that in the end you'll be left with a richer, fuller emotional life of your own for having felt such a range of emotions in yourself.

[GoingBack2OC]

Well, not proud to admit it but I've already done that today SoMad.

It comes out of nowhere and I've stopped trying to suppress it, I just let it go and when it's done with I snap myself out of it and feel slightly better. I do kind of feel sick of even being around myself with how emotional I've been because I'm not used to it at all but hopefully this will get better in time.

Dude, cry. It's not unmanly. Its a natural human response to healthy emotions. Gone are the days (for the most part I would hope) where us men can't cry.

In my last relationship, before my BPDgf, I dont think I ever cried. Until it ended. We were so happy. Such good friends. I was so happy.

But in this relationship, for years, crying got to be a normal daily routine.

It's ok to cry. Even in front of guy friends/buddies. My BPD ex actually belittled me a number of times. During an emotional fight, she would get SO angry. Say horrible things. I wouldnt react with anger typically, usually just shock, and yea, a number of times, I broke down crying.

She did this a few times:  Awwwe look at the big strong man crying like a little baby.

No joke. Talk about humiliation. I'd cry even harder, shocked I'm actually seeing/hearing a "real human" act in such a way.

I think anyone with their head straight, any healthy person, if they saw someone crying, they would feel for them, say "whats wrong".

Think to yourself, if you were sitting next to a man on a plane, and midflight you noticed he was holding back tears, just barely holding on. You'd ask if he's ok. Would you- ever have the reaction, the feeling, "wow thats unmanly".

I don't think many would.

Cry dude. Let it out.

[Turkish]

Totally agree about the emotions building up inside if you suppress them. It is really hard for me to cry being a man because like you said, we're brought up to not do this. I think before this whole ordeal I had cried once in my entire adult life and that was when my dad was in the hospital yet now it happens every few days at least.

If I could say one thing,  own your pain.  It's part of you now,  and pushing through it and accepting it where you are now is much better than suppressing or denying it.  

I remember this vividly: I was 14, a sophomore in high school.  I got hurt during P.E. on the football field.  I started to cry and then all of the anger from years of bullying not only from my peers but also my BPD mother welled up.  I stopped.

When I was 17, I was in a horrific motorcycle crash.  I had multiple lacerations,  and I found out later that my left quad was mostly severed.  The periostium on my left kneecap was ground off by the pavement after the 40-60mph crash.  I yelled and screamed,  but I didn't cry.  

Years, my pet rat Rizzo died.  I held the furball in my hands as she gasped her last breaths, staring at me desperately with her beady little eyes.  I wept like a baby.  Thus was curious to me because when I was a kid,  my mother raised dogs.  Being BPD, she never did it right,  and a lot of them died unnecessarily.  By the time I was 10, I ceased to cry for these lost pets, and I thought of every one of them as a pet. Loss was minimized by being normalized. 

When I was 41, my ex started going out and within two months,  was having an affair with a 21 year old college "kid." He is now her husband. I cried like a baby for months,  especially while she was still living with me and our then D1 and S3. I'd even break down at work reading the board.  I'd lose it in the car with my kids in the back seat (though I'd suppress it so they didn't notice). I read here what others have said and what I'm going to say: the pain fades with time.  

No one here can tell you how long it takes.  We are all individuals and our own persons.  Trying to compare your story with others,  while natural,  might not be helpful.  Reading some of the most severe stories here (and on other boards), I've sometimes felt,  "do I even belong here?" That's denying my feelings.

Sometimes I think the hardest thing we struggle with here is validating ourselves,  being so focused upon analyzing our pwBPD and ruminating.  I like to think of our individual journeys like what Leonard Cohen once sang:

And when he knew for certain
Only drowning men could see him,
He said "All men will be sailors then
Until the sea shall free them"

T

[pjstock42]

She did this a few times:  Awwwe look at the big strong man crying like a little baby.

No joke. Talk about humiliation. I'd cry even harder, shocked I'm actually seeing/hearing a "real human" act in such a way.

Same thing happened to me man. The first time she tried or "half-tried" to do the discard, it was the most shocking thing that had ever happened to me and I lost it - it seemed like I cried for 2/3 days straight and just couldn't function. Despite being kind at first, she eventually moved on to the "man up" stuff and then I found out that she was making fun of me to her sister via text message about the fact that I reacted in such a way. On top of that, she then accused me of "putting on a show" to try to manipulate her & basically saying that none of that intense pain I was experiencing was real.

I know what you mean about the first reaction to seeing someone holding back tears, I could never imagine wanting to make fun of them or do anything but help them. I guess I grew up assuming that everyone thought about stuff like this in the same way that I do and I had to find out the hard way that this wasn't true.

[Dutched]

Pjstock42
Imagine how I was feeling after 30+ yrs.
The day before shopping for a festivity and holding hands.
Next day the uncontrollable last outburst

It takes time to grieve, to cry, let your anger come out, ruminate over what could have been, your memories of what was and to look into a different future.
It takes time. It will time well spent.

Although I understand your feelings so good, you are really young and ‘only’ were involved with such a disordered person for 1,5 yrs...
So in fact be glad, be very glad you dodged that bullet, how painful it is at this moment.

Please take the time to learn from the ‘event’, heal first before even thinking about another r/s in order to see the signs, the red flags.

[rfriesen]

Please take the time to learn from the ‘event’, heal first before even thinking about another r/s in order to see the signs, the red flags.

I second this, PJ. You have terrific self-awareness and have made so much sense of things already. You're way ahead of the curve. It still takes time for things to sink in and be processed, though. You've mentioned a few times that things were great and happy until the very last moment when your ex left unexpectedly. You've also described a few painful sounding moments and warning signs from during your relationship, and even from the first dates. I think that, in some sense, these two things can each be mostly true. Maybe there was still so much happiness until the end that you never could have suspected a complete discard was imminent? But maybe there also were significant red flags earlier?

You'll sort it out in time. You're clearly moving forward, even if it often feels like ten steps back. Just let time do its thing and keep taking care of yourself in the meantime.

[anonymous1234]

I refuse to think of anything as time thrown away. It has no use at all, it will only make you feel regret and you won't learn anything from it. However painful the ordeal I'm in, I did learn a lot:

• I know I need to enforce my boundaries better
• I won't accept this much odd behavior in a future partner
• I know who my true friends are
• I won't invest more time in the ass I called one of my best friends anymore
• I'm not as scared of conflict anymore. One friend has a problem with me (still don't understand why), I tried to talk with him about it twice to iron things out. He hasn't responded for two weeks: that's too bad, a friendship only works when it's coming from both sides. I just shrug my shoulders and know what the relationship means to the other guy. If it means anything he'll come around, or not, too bad in that case.
• I'm not scared of having kids anymore
• I have a nicely decorated home
• I know of BPD and the disorders that are associated with it, it will help me protect me in the future. Although I could fall victim to it again because in the beginning it's so subtle
• If I can handle this, I can handle a lot.
• With every person that tells me to "just get over it" or something similar, I can think you try it, let's see how you cope.
• I can pick up a girl that's this pretty  

And better yet, I'm still learning. For all the pain she has given me, she also gave me the best times in my life. A complete paradox, but don't forget the good stuff when you had fun and were happy.

Would I prefer not being in this much pain? Yes, I'd rather have had a healthy relationship with someone I could grow old with, who respected me enough not to sleep with a friend and lie to me or to disrespect all the love and care I gave. But everything serves a purpose if you let it.