Two years after the BPD experience

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Hello bpdfamily,
   Today marks two years since the end of my relationship with a pwBPD.  Two years ago what I thought was my soulmate hit me with a two week silent treatment, out of the blue, and then on this day tore me down with rage and psychological violence that left me broken.  In the months that followed I went through hell on earth.  In the first two weeks I lost 30 lbs because I could barely force myself to eat once a day.  I nearly ended my life.  I suffered constant anxiety attacks for the next 6 months.  For the first 4 months, I could not sleep for more than two hours a night, and in those scarce hours of sleep, I was haunted by dreams and nightmares of my BPDex.  I was a wreck.
  In my chaotic state of soul destruction, I knew I needed help.  Initially I poured my pain into the gym, I would spend an hour or two a day lifting or jogging, 7 days a week.  It was a good distraction, elevated my mood slightly, gave me an outlet to channel my grief, and it helped rebuild my self confidence.  Physical fitness alone was not enough to heal me.  About 6 weeks after the break, I looked up a local therapist.  I began to go twice a month for an hour and talk with a pro.  This was huge in helping me break through the anxiety and pain, it also uncovered some FOO issues that left me vulnerable to falling into the abuse of a r/s with a pwBPD.
  Despite these things, I still tried to reconcile with my ex for about 7 months.  After she went through about 6 new boyfriends in this time, my logical mind knew that I had to show myself some respect and I mustered up the dignity to start letting go.  This was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  The traumatic bonding from an emotionally abusive relationship is an addiction.  I continued to read about the topic, self medicate with physical fitness, and move on with my life.
  Slowly but surely my life moved on.  I advanced in school and at work, completing my education and standing out as a highly competent person in my field.  I fell in love again and learned how to slowly nurture and build a stable, healthy relationship.
  In these two years, I won.  My life has grown profoundly.  I am a completely different person now, the kind of pain that a BPD r/s does to a person will have that effect.  Not much in life seems that terrible compared to that pain.  I crawled out of hell, dusted myself off, and lived again.

  As far as the person that held my hand on the way in to hell, my therapist was dead on when he said, "You dodged a bullet, you just don't realize it yet."  Her life has been total chaos since then.  Dozens of relationships, fabricating a sexual assault story to farm sympathy, and now once again she is pregnant by a man that is long gone.

  To those of you working on healing from the mess a pwBPD created, it is soul crushing but you will come out of this, stronger, happier, and more balanced.  Nothing of value was lost when a Personality Disordered individual left your life.  Heal, learn, stay far away, and live your life in peace.

[thisagain]

Thanks for sharing your story! It's awesome that you were able to come back from such a bad place. Therapy can be invaluable to help us understand how we got into this situation and why it affected us so intensely.

I'm curious, do you stay in touch with your ex to know what's been going on in her life? I can only imagine what a hot mess my ex is these days, but I'm pretty glad I don't know the details 

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Thanks for sharing your story! It's awesome that you were able to come back from such a bad place. Therapy can be invaluable to help us understand how we got into this situation and why it affected us so intensely.

I'm curious, do you stay in touch with your ex to know what's been going on in her life? I can only imagine what a hot mess my ex is these days, but I'm pretty glad I don't know the details  

We travel in the same social circles so I have seen her regularly in passing since the discard.  On one hand this was difficult at first, seeing the lightning quick efficiency she had in discarding me as a fiance and moving on to living with another man two weeks later.  On the other hand seeing her behavior also helped me detach.  Since I had been discarded, she made little to no effort to present a mask to me.  I finally saw who she really was.  I had been in love with a person that never existed.

[cj488]

Thank you, Reluctant Survivor. I actually logged on today to write nearly the same message, verbatim. It's been two years and I too have reluctantly survived the worst Bpd nightmare of my life. At this point, there is still only this nagging lack of closure that sometimes wakes me at night. I've read that Borderlines are some of the very, very few that can pass polygraph tests - because they so thoroughly believe their own lies. I previously thought I was a fair empath and judge of human character, but she left me utterly baffled and with PTSD. I suppose I couldn't detect the lies because she herself actually believed them. Very hard to accept - and it's left wounds in me, my family, my career, etc. that extend far down the line. It's astonishing that one woman could cause this much havoc with a smile and an "I want you, I love you, goddamit, I want you." The gift of the borderline? Yes, I suppose one could be philosophical about it - that the worst makes you stronger. I suppose she's simply passed the buck on to me and everyone she gets involved in. A very, very deeply wounded woman - parental abandonment, later childhood abuse. Unfortunate for her and everyone else, she was born absolutely stunning, head to toe (magazine model). Few can say no; nearly anyone in her sights pays the price. After claiming to love me forever, she turned on a dime, destroyed me emotionally, tried to get me fired, nearly ruined my career, picked up a new boyfriend hardly an hour after disappearing from our house. We went through the idealization, clinging, and hater phases in hardly weeks. Ending with the cut and run at the worst possible moment. And then I received mysterious calls and hangups for 18 months afterward - no explanation. Still reeling a bit, but 22 months of distance has me looking forward to life again. I survived, and am infinitely stronger because of her.

[Inharmsway]

Hi Reluctant survivor,  

It's very encouraging to hear such positive stories.  I'm also about 2 years out and haven't looked back since. I have to say it was the most painful, disruptive and live changing relationship I've ever been in.

Fortunately I wasn't discarded,  I just happen to plan my exit,  I had decided that the next rage would be my excuse to to press the eject button so as to minimize the abandonment on his part. Didn't take long,  he raged and I asked that we take a break from each other. He tried once a month later to invite me to a lunch at his with friends and I just "politely" declined the invite.

Fast forward almost a year later, he tried to subtly draw me back in by mirroring my WhatsApp avatars. Whatever picture I put up he'd do the same and I didnt react or take the bait. He'd also send me mails where the addressee is blind copied to create the impression that it's a generic mail sent to a group but reading the content I knew I was the only recipient,  again I didn't take the bait.  Instead of blocking him,  I opted to exit WhatsApp last December. You see,  I know he is terrified of rejection and also shame is his biggest down fall but a blessing for me. He hasn't pursued me directly and won't unless really desperate because he fears I might reject him.

He was on dating/Hookup websites in less than a week after I initiated our break and apparently he still is searching for this perfect partner that exists in his head.

All the best with your new love and I trust the the experiences from the BPD relationship will be invaluable for any future relationships.

Cheers,

[Moselle]

Thanks for your story RS,

It's great to hear you are doing so well.

Congrats on your new love.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Amazing Post. This is so awesome to read. Thank you for posting this.  It is so very true when you say "Hell on Earth" I am glad you are doing well. These relationships really test you to see how strong mentally and physically you really are.  Take care of yourself ReluctantSurvivor.

[Zinnia21]

Thanks for this post! I feel so at home here, on this board right now, knowing I'm not crazy to have been so traumatised by this r/s. And you're also giving me a more realistic time frame for recovery. I'm only 3 weeks out and in NC, though I did choose the NC this time, in a reluctant way of course! It all hurts, I've tried it every which way, different approaches to the sudden and soul destroying breakups. This is the last time for me, And I am out. So NC seems the only way forward.

Thanks for your inspiring story of things growing and healing. Friends and family just don't understand. They say, "forget them, you deserve better... " Or "When is she gonna be over that guy? What is she doing... ?"
For months afterwards, you meet friends out for drinks, try to perk up, to live and break free, be happy... Briefly it helps, but then I can feel the cloud come over me, the confused memories, the effort to detach is taking over my whole body. So I end up looking glumly into my drink... .I can see they want me to get better, but they don't understand what I've been through. If they only knew what ONE of those sleepless nightmarish nights felt like. Or if they had an inkling of the shock of a sudden BPD discard, they'd wonder how I was still standing at all. Don't get me wrong, I feel supported, but they can't truly understand.

I'm grateful for this mutual understanding here on this site and in your post. You validate the intensity of what I have been through and in turn, you can be sure that I understand what you've been through too, and I'm glad to know you've found a happier place. It must have taken a lot of strength.

When I was still with him I was searching for hope, for 'success' stories. But this seems like the best type of BPD success story to me now. Thanks for sharing.