BPD Magic Nickel Tour and 18 years NC ending

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

  All,

In my healing have a wonderful chance to go see one of my Favorite people to me, my Dad. I love him with all my heart, what he was to me growing up, what he stands for, who he is and well he is special. I love him so much.

 He put up with my UBPD mom and BPD/NPD sister all these years, volunteered ran businesses and was good to us kids. He was kind to all.  Sound familiar, now instead of being like my Dad, and following the pattern I did and marrying people like my Mom. If ever again they have to BE like my Dad... .LOL I only found one person who reminded me of my Dad, and that person is special as well. Not for a Father figure, have one of those and am healed but for the ethics, and being healthy, loving and giving. No more chaos or dsyfunctional care taking.

He has not been well and under Mom's and sister's thumb with care etc, and to see him meant seeing her. Which would be fine but I stood up and put boundaries years ago, so she painted me black and well silent treatment( for about 5 years). No amount of love or trying stopped that so fine. Now that I understand BPD, I let her and her toxicity go. I didn't want to go and be scape goated or make worse for me and Dad. She truly scares me, still to this day. As she always wanted to scape goat me for anything. 

My Mom flew my Dad into where I grew up and her and my sister are creating drama with each other where my sister lives in other state... .LOL Good riddance truly now Dad can have peace for a little, heal, see friends and people special to him.

So I am going to fly in and see my Dad and take him to some appointments. If she knew she would fly back, so hope no one tells till I am long gone.

Well low and behold talking about silent treatment and hurt. I want to be true to my healing and compassion to another and who I am in core. I gave a INFJ door slam ( when you walk away after so much abuse to never speak again) to someone in my past. It has been over 18 years. Without boring too much had many orders of protection, broken bone etc  ( this was before NY took to serious), and was a dancer and did some small runway work. This hurt my heart, body and soul deeply.

I forgave in my heart, went on to live my life, moved across country, and well just tried to find joy in life.

I was thankful for the fact I had a paper in Senate and helped the Family and Children's committee on Domestic Violence. Helped enact the new Act, worked with Fathers rights and CASA. I went on to an elected position and stood up to strong unions... .LOL I was grateful for what happened as I felt it helped me become stronger as a person stand up for others rights, and not be afraid. Thought I had healed and forgave.

I realized healing I have forgiven, but had some repressed hurts which coupled with my Mom, sbxUBD, and this person needed addressed for me. Yes always forgave but still hurt and had hard time standing up for me.

So reason this is not in family section is person reached out when heard I was coming to town, and asked to meet for lunch or dinner my choice he wanted to apologize. After 18 years an apology from this long lost BPD.

 Before no, now knowing I can face, and don't want to give silent treatment ( was just NC before) if they actually reached out now. Know how that feels. At time I never talked again they had never acknowledged what they did.  They did approach many times but still raged and blamed so NC. I had already forgiven in my heart... .So

Talked to one of my good friends who had not been back in that part of state in quite awhile and they agreed to go with. So you can laugh this is the only funny and stress relieving part. Friend and I use to have magic nickel tours giving nickels to sad people near fountains where we worked. When sad, friend use to give me bags of nickels and tell me to make a wish. Then they would stand there yelling wallah and tossing into air and fountain till people and I laughed and not cried... .LOL  He even counted like the count from Sesame Street. One of my oldest friends.

So no lunch or dinner, as truly scared in some ways. But will meet at one of 7 wonders of world  one of my fav place and friend is going to sit where I can see, though no one will now there. I will meet the person who asked and let them know they are forgiven. By the way they were diagnosed with bipolar ( medicated due to what they did to me, involuntary, suicide watch the whole gamut) back then, now found they are BPD as well, surprise... .LOL Don't think I will do lunch, or dinner, but will be kind and compassionate to me. Release for me as well.

After meeting friend and I will toss nickels in the biggest waterfall ever, my fav place growing up, hiking etc over years. Any wish requests taken... .LOL

Other treat to force me to go, friend and I hope to meet our other friend who is now top engineer and trying to get off time to be with me while I do this tough meeting etc. We use to all be 3 musketeers and they were friends then became employees for awhile in glamor industry. So if can be there we are going to hire a photographer to photo our fun meeting again. They were both there for me when I got hurt and court with this person.

Also stopping on flight home in NYC to go to garment row with friend.

I just wanted to say the books over years, self work, healing, retreats over years, have helped. The tools and articles here, and posts have been inspiring and helpful as well. TY all.

Keep healing, use  boundaries, use the tools and be compassionate to yourself. Remember we didn't cause it, can't control it nor cure it. We can take our power back, be healthy and self love and self respect start with self. You are important, you can get through it with help and support.

All details not in concrete yet but in works. Just hope BPD Mom stays away, so I can do this.


Thanks for reading, having posts here that helped my healing. Any insights would be appreciate if so inclined. Hugs appreciated and sent back with blessings.

LR  

[Lilyroze]

  All,

In my healing have a wonderful chance to go see one of my Favorite people to me, my Dad. I love him with all my heart, what he was to me growing up, what he stands for, who he is and well he is special. I love him so much.

 He put up with my UBPD mom and BPD/NPD sister all these years, volunteered ran businesses and was good to us kids. He was kind to all.  Sound familiar, now instead of being like my Dad, and following the pattern I did and marrying people like my Mom. If ever again they have to BE like my Dad... .LOL I only found one person who reminded me of my Dad, and that person is special as well. Not for a Father figure, have one of those and am healed but for the ethics, and being healthy, loving and giving. No more chaos or dsyfunctional care taking.

He has not been well and under Mom's and sister's thumb with care etc, and to see him meant seeing her. Which would be fine but I stood up and put boundaries years ago, so she painted me black and well silent treatment( for about 5 years). No amount of love or trying stopped that so fine. Now that I understand BPD, I let her and her toxicity go. I didn't want to go and be scape goated or make worse for me and Dad. She truly scares me, still to this day. As she always wanted to scape goat me for anything. 

My Mom flew my Dad into where I grew up and her and my sister are creating drama with each other where my sister lives in other state... .LOL Good riddance truly now Dad can have peace for a little, heal, see friends and people special to him.

So I am going to fly in and see my Dad and take him to some appointments. If she knew she would fly back, so hope no one tells till I am long gone.

Well low and behold talking about silent treatment and hurt. I want to be true to my healing and compassion to another and who I am in core. I gave a INFJ door slam ( when you walk away after so much abuse to never speak again) to someone in my past. It has been over 18 years. Without boring too much had many orders of protection, broken bone etc  ( this was before NY took to serious), and was a dancer and did some small runway work. This hurt my heart, body and soul deeply.

I forgave in my heart, went on to live my life, moved across country, and well just tried to find joy in life.

I was thankful for the fact I had a paper in Senate and helped the Family and Children's committee on Domestic Violence. Helped enact the new Act, worked with Fathers rights and CASA. I went on to an elected position and stood up to strong unions... .LOL I was grateful for what happened as I felt it helped me become stronger as a person stand up for others rights, and not be afraid. Thought I had healed and forgave.

I realized healing I have forgiven, but had some repressed hurts which coupled with my Mom, sbxUBD, and this person needed addressed for me. Yes always forgave but still hurt and had hard time standing up for me.

So reason this is not in family section is person reached out when heard I was coming to town, and asked to meet for lunch or dinner my choice he wanted to apologize. After 18 years an apology from this long lost BPD.

 Before no, now knowing I can face, and don't want to give silent treatment ( was just NC before) if they actually reached out now. Know how that feels. At time I never talked again they had never acknowledged what they did.  They did approach many times but still raged and blamed so NC. I had already forgiven in my heart... .So

Talked to one of my good friends who had not been back in that part of state in quite awhile and they agreed to go with. So you can laugh this is the only funny and stress relieving part. Friend and I use to have magic nickel tours giving nickels to sad people near fountains where we worked. When sad, friend use to give me bags of nickels and tell me to make a wish. Then they would stand there yelling wallah and tossing into air and fountain till people and I laughed and not cried... .LOL  He even counted like the count from Sesame Street. One of my oldest friends.

So no lunch or dinner, as truly scared in some ways. But will meet at one of 7 wonders of world  one of my fav place and friend is going to sit where I can see, though no one will now there. I will meet the person who asked and let them know they are forgiven. By the way they were diagnosed with bipolar ( medicated due to what they did to me, involuntary, suicide watch the whole gamut) back then, now found they are BPD as well, surprise... .LOL Don't think I will do lunch, or dinner, but will be kind and compassionate to me. Release for me as well.

After meeting friend and I will toss nickels in the biggest waterfall ever, my fav place growing up, hiking etc over years. Any wish requests taken... .LOL

Other treat to force me to go, friend and I hope to meet our other friend who is now top engineer and trying to get off time to be with me while I do this tough meeting etc. We use to all be 3 musketeers and they were friends then became employees for awhile in glamor industry. So if can be there we are going to hire a photographer to photo our fun meeting again. They were both there for me when I got hurt and court with this person.

Also stopping on flight home in NYC to go to garment row with friend.

I just wanted to say the books over years, self work, healing, retreats over years, have helped. The tools and articles here, and posts have been inspiring and helpful as well. TY all.

Keep healing, use  boundaries, use the tools and be compassionate to yourself. Remember we didn't cause it, can't control it nor cure it. We can take our power back, be healthy and self love and self respect start with self. You are important, you can get through it with help and support.

All details not in concrete yet but in works. Just hope BPD Mom stays away, so I can do this.


Thanks for reading, having posts here that helped my healing. Any insights would be appreciate if so inclined. Hugs appreciated and sent back with blessings.

LR  

[Lilyroze]

Finally got a callback from the Policeman who walked me through things back then, was the one I called many times when protection order was violated ( I trusted). He remembered me ( I had brought many a cookie platters in thanks). Let him know I was meeting for an apology and coming into town. He was thrilled and we can't wait to hug and have dinner. He told my father in the hospital once, if person was not stopped he thought I would be dead. Just was a time of person dysregulating and hard to deal with, other then that they were other good memories. Not all bad.  We are going to dinner when I get to town.

Policeman was honored at time from DV court for helping me. So we went through a lot together.

Also his suggestion and a Dr. I work with in a professional capacity ( Co worker)  suggested going over the court records, hospital records to be sure I was ready for this.

Not to bring up to the other person but to realize how bad it did hurt me.

I do see now I forgave, moved on, and lived a good life but did repress my hurt and sorrow. Never wanted to bother anyone. When I moved put all behind me. I think that is healthy and a way to live in gratitude and joy. But do acknowledge though all that is good it is really good now to be free of repressing it.

[Oncebitten]

LR

I think that it is wonderful that you have the strength to go see this person and grant them forgiveness given all they put you through in the past.  If you believe that they are indeed better now and that you are strong enough to face them then I see no reason that you shouldn't go see this person and allow them to apologize. 

"to err is human to forgive is divine"

Just remember to protect yourself and your feelings first.  But again if you feel that you can safely go see this person and that no harm will come to you then I think you will find a level of peace in accepting their apology.

OB

[Lilyroze]

Thanks OB,

Really debated whether to share or not as well at the point this is the end of the road for me here. But did in hopes it might help someone or even if I needed some insight that might be graciously shared. Many times I have thought I wish I could just erase this, but appreciate a few very special people who have taken the time, heart, and wisdom to reach out and care. In one thread particular made me face some hurt and realize I deserve better. I do so appreciate you all.

I am very private in my life and only a few get into my inner circle with certain things. So this helps and I appreciate what the board has offered me.

Be blessed all, and protect your heart you only have one.  Wherever the path brings you make the best of it. Remember there is no path to happiness. Happiness is the path.

LR