Waddams,
You are not close. You are spot on. And everything I read about this mental illness and this forum tells me that she isn't capable of seeing things this way. If she were then she wouldn't have BPD. I get all that. I understand that I am the one that can rationalize the changes and see the right and wrong here. But I am very frustrated in myself for 2 things. #1 Letting it get this far out of hand. & #2 Not having the balls to stand up and address it and do something about it. No one can help me but me.
All I can say is I've been there myself. I took some major self-focused work to change that part of myself. In the end, it was the best thing I ever did for myself. Obviously we can't do it for you, but if it helps for me it involved:
1. Learning to let go of outcome.
2. Learning to keep my emotions and feelings aligned properly with what I knew rationally and logically.
1. required simply accepting I wasn't in control of anything but me. Erect and hold boundaries consistent with my values and be willing to let others have their problems, not rescue them, and let them crash and burn.
2. required an honest assessment of anger. I was raised or otherwise socially conditioned to think that all anger of any kind or expression is bad, and you're bad if you feel angry. However, at this point in life, I strongly believe all things are good if we use them as God intended, including anger. It's not a bad emotion. God gave it to us for a reason, and I personally believe that reason is to fuel the boundaries needed to fight against FOG'ing. Healthy anger is what gives me the energy to hold a boundary against FOG, manipulations, outright lies and personal attackes, etc. and it also gives me the energy to let someone label me the a$$h*le in their own minds and not care that they've done it.
I don't scream, yell, and otherwise act out in anger violently towards anyone. But I will tell them to pucker off when I need to hold a boundary, and send them away. Sometimes, people come back later and own up, and we can work things out. Sometimes, they're gone forever. I've learned to accept either way. It improves relationships with people who are worth it, it excises people from your life that are detrimental to you, and when they are gone, then room is opened up in your life for better people to fill the voids.
That approach might not be for everyone, just sharing what worked for me.
