Was BPD the cause of all this mess?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone! I stumbled across this website after searching about victims of SO's with BPD.

What I am about to post is very lengthy and is the most complete story that I can give. I would love the support of others out there to help me understand what is going on, and how to cope.

The story I have to tell is very very long and goes above the maximum 6500 character limit.

I appreciate the additional support and feedback I can get from everyone here. It has been roughly 5 months since me and my ex BPD SO separated and I feel like the life I had with her was a lie.

[RJRGT3]

Hello everyone! I stumbled across this website after searching about victims of SO's with BPD.

What I am about to post is very lengthy and is the most complete story that I can give. I would love the support of others out there to help me understand what is going on, and how to cope.

The story I have to tell is very very long and goes above the maximum 6500 character limit.

I appreciate the additional support and feedback I can get from everyone here. It has been roughly 5 months since me and my ex BPD SO separated and I feel like the life I had with her was a lie.

[Turkish]

Hi  RJRGT3,

You could post the intro in two parts to get around the character limit.

Turkish

[RJRGT3]

Part 1:


What I am about to divulge are events of what has happened between me, a 22 year old male, and my ex-girlfriend who I am still trying to connect the dots, a 20 year old female.
I'll start off with the fact what we met in December 2013, and that we were long distance. From the day we met things were great, we quickly grew to liking each other and eventually making our relationship official.
Throughout most of 2014, everything was perfect, she seemed to be the girl of my dreams, no exaggeration. We both exchanged the mutual feelings of love and trust. She told me I was perfection, everything she was looking for in a guy. You can imagine that I felt like the king of the world. The girl of my dreams telling me all this? Pinch me its a dream!
Then one day, in October of 2014 the tables flipped, without any warning. We were conversing normally one evening when out of the blue she tells me: "I don't think I love you anymore". I didn't understand, how can she tell me that out of the blue when things were fine between us. Sure we have had our argument or two but these were things that were quickly resolved.
I was in pure shock, and before I know it she tells me absurd things such as "We can still be friends" and eventually it went to "I don't know who I am anymore". I was confused, I didn't know what to do or how to go about things. I tried hard to get her to understand that what she was saying to me, and doing to me, was hurtful, and that our relationship was special, important. After about a week or two of me begging, pleading, and crying, she blocks me from all contact.
You can imagine how I felt. I felt lost, dejected. Unfortunately, I felt an existential crisis because she meant the world to me. So from that day on from when she had gone no contact with me. Every day I was just a mindless zombie ruminating about the things she told me, feeling lost, and worried about the things she may be doing since she had gone NC with me.
At the time I was an Engineering major, and because of the recent events, I just didn't care about school any longer. Long story short (and a little fast forward for a moment) I dropped out of engineering because of this.
Getting back on track, come November, I get a message on my Birthday that month from her. She unblocked my number apparently. She wants closure and is in her words "dying to hear my voice again." Strange. Nevertheless I was taken back by her presence again. I was scared to answer back to her, but I did.
When I did talk to her over the phone, she didn't know what to say. I tried pleading with her again, begging her to get back together. I tell her I love her, but she tells me that she cannot say that to me. She then goes on to tell me, in tears that she cannot stop drinking in partying, two things that were out of character for her and activities she had told me she would never do because they never appealed to her. In addition, she had told me she was failing out of her first semester of College.
That call ends abruptly, and to make matters worse, it was my birthday. Nevertheless, that was the ___tiest birthday of my life.
From that point on I only got more depressed. I felt crazy, all I could think of was her, and I got worried about all the crazy things she was up to, her well being, if she was safe. I truly went mad.
December 2014, around Christmas eve. I was doing something to keep my mind off her when I get a text. Glancing at my phone I see a wall of text, and her number. My heart sank once again because I had no idea what was going to happen. Reading the text, she says "how could I have done this to you", "I love you so much, you're my world" etc. Things like that. She wanted to get back together. I was ecstatic, but scared at the same time. I give in. But things were unusual. Things did seem to jump straight back to normal like nothing happened for a moment. However, I find out between the time she left me in October to this seemingly impossible reconciliation that she has a lot of pictures with other guys on her social media and things of that matter. I wasn't happy about that. As we began speaking more I noticed she wasn't speaking in the same manner that she used to. Calling her out on it, she then replies to me "you know what, maybe I don't really love you, I don't know who I am" and alongside that, she tells me how she cries every night because she thinks she is a nobody, and that nobody likes her or has faith in her. Very unusual because I never got a hint of that when we were together.
Again, we go our separate ways. And once again, I sink into more depression, confused even more. What the ___ was going on?
February 2015, I couldn't take the pain inside any longer and decide to shoot her a message. She's drinking, again something I never thought she would be doing. She then proceeds to tell me that she has done "really stupid ___" between December and now. I become really depressed because immediately my mind jumps to the worst possible interpretation of what that meant. I cut her off from there and blocked her.
March 2015, she calls my house phone after blocking her hearing about the things she had been up to that I was told about above in February. She curses me out calling me a piece of ___ but I told her she deserved to be blocked... .and she accepted that she did deserve it. So here I gave in again to speaking with her. She seemed to be her normal self that I came to love, and even went as far as telling me that she loves me, but she is scared. She then tells me how she gave out her number to so many guys but never called her back, or only wanted her for sex. All of a sudden she tells me she is going on a date with someone else [which was insulting to me]. She said she'll compare me to the other person she is going out with and not to worry. I try to convince her not to go out on this date. Nevertheless, she goes, and comes back telling me she had fun, and she is very confused. I wasn't going to have it and again we go our separate ways.

[RJRGT3]

Part 2:



From this point on I started seeing a therapist at my college. It helped. By the time May rolled around I was doing fairly okay.
Early June I get a random text message from her. She tells me she is thinking about me and wants to talk to me.
She wants closure. But this didn't go so smoothly. She proceeds to tell me that she had been raped in school. I didn't know what to make of it but I felt the life inside me just escape. Our conversation was brief but we moved on. She proceeds to tell me that every guy out there in the world compared to me is nothing, and that I am a once in a lifetime. We proceed to closure at her request. I tell her that I love her one last time, and that she must delete my number because I didn't want to go through all of this nonsense and pain again.
August 2015... .Summer went well as I was in a new major that I liked after failing out of Engineering, and I was did well for my summer semester. I was on a huge vacation across the northern USA and Canada with family.
But during that vacation... .yup you guessed it again. I get a text from her. In that message she tells me how one day she just broke down and started crying because she was thinking of all the things she had put me through, and how she should have never left me and was aware that she kept coming in and out of my life. I didn't respond to that message for hours. When I did it seemed like she had understood her wrongdoings.
All wasn't good however. She tells me in a strange manner how she was "forced" to have sex with some friend in the back of a car and that she began thinking of me and hit the guy and ran off. I found it strange in the manner she told it to me. Things didn't make sense. I was furious however.
Our reconciliation didn't last long again... .a week since messaging me, she tells me that she cannot do this anymore because she is worried that her mom will be stressed out because she is talking to me again. Apparently her mom had caught wind of the Drama between us and didn't take a liking to me. In addition she tells me her mom was diagnosed with cancer [fast forward, I find out later it was a false diagnosis apparently]. She tells me "I'm sorry RJRGT3". I spiral into depression again. I felt stupid for destroying my new found happiness before she came back again.
A week later after she had broke things off again. I couldn't take it. I began bombing her with messages of how much I love her and my desire to make this work. She didn't reply back for hours which got me worried. When she finally did answer back, the first thing she told me was that she was "violated" after going out on a date with someone.
Now, form this point on, our relationship was mended back together. Things seemed better than before but it wasn't without its hardships. I didn't trust her anymore, and I mean i had zero trust because of the events prior to all this mess. Not only that but I had told her to quit the drinking, because she is much better than that.
Even with those bumps in the road, I was in heaven again. I was with my love again. I honestly thought this time nothing will happen. She seemed to have loved me even more than before.
I'll fast forward to March 2016. I'm staying at her house with her family for spring break visiting. Things seemed well and fine. She was happy to be with me and spend time with me. This trip wasn't possible however without her lending me some money for my trip to see her as the job I had wasn't paying enough, and my parents weren't willing to pay for my trip. It was a mutual agreement and she was more than happy to help. Afterall, she was dying to see me since we were long distance.
The same day I came back home, we got into an argument about a party I wasn't so fond of her going to. Things get heated and I also presented some of my worries that her parents may not have liked my mannerisms (something I was paranoid about). Eventually she just blocked me and from there on, I was shattered given the events I talk about way above. Even worse, she turned me against our family showing them the arguments we had (mainly in regards to her behaviors when we were in the initial stages of cleaning up the relationship)
It was October all over again except worse... .much much much worse. Here is someone who has balled their eyes out for me when I leaving at the airport and telling me that they were sorry for all they put me through, just leaving me out of the blue again.
I tried to contact her but to no avail, she blocked me again on every possible social media account.
I get a few emails from her telling me to stop trying to contact her, how I insulted her family (which I was respectful to), and how she didn't understand how she could put up with me. She also accuses me of stealing her money that she personally handed to me and made sure I didn't forget to take when I was leaving. I sent back that money to her. Not only that but she made a complete 180. She went back to the heavy drinking, getting drunk, and discovered the newly found sensations of partying and getting piercings all over (and this is someone who had ZERO). She began to accuse me of being abusive, insane, and all of sudden questing how on earth we got back together after March when she was the one that did all the work to get us where we were now. All of a sudden she had invalidated her apologies
I didn't get it, where was the girl that I had met 3 years prior? Where was the girl that loved my jokes, who I could always put a smile on? Where was she? Did she even exist?

Since that day she left me in March I have been seeing my school therapist again. The psychiatrist who prescribed me anti depressants told me that the story I told above, although much more detailed that what I have written above, is strong indication that my ex has BPD.
I never knew or thought that would be the reason for this rollercoaster. But I am unsure if it really is because she has BPD or that I am the crazy one. The abusive one.
I'm afraid of new relationships now. All I will try to find in other women I come across is her (the ex). The ex that made me smile.
Am I the crazy one? I feel like its me. Help me understand all this. Am I the only one who has gone through something like this?

[asphyx]

The replies from BNsoul in the reddit post you linked are very good and I've heard the same things from other people that are very knowledgeable about BPD.

The fact that someone could be faking their personality for our entire 5+ year relationship is just mind-blowing to me. I always wonder what parts were real and what was fake... .or if all of it was fake. There were some things that she had an interest in before I did, so I think there is some personality in there deep-down, but not much at all. She would constantly change her life goals. She would dedicate her life to something for a few months and then suddenly not like it or want anything to do with it anymore. This applied to everything such as friends, hobbies, jobs, etc.

It's extremely hard to accept that it was almost all fake, I'm still having trouble two months after the breakup.

It wasn't until I broke up with her did I see the disorder at it's worst, and that underneath her facade there was someone deeply damaged and nothing like me at all.

In your story you said:

"However, I find out between the time she left me in October to this seemingly impossible reconciliation that she has a lot of pictures with other guys on her social media and things of that matter. I wasn't happy about that. As we began speaking more I noticed she wasn't speaking in the same manner that she used to."

This was something I noticed just after she found out she was cheating on me. 5 years she would use the same speaking pattern and slang, then suddenly she meets a new guy and she's talking differently. It's like she was still mirroring the other guy. It was very odd and something I'll always remember.

[RJRGT3]

At the moment, my mental state is like a record. I am able to function okay with my normal daily routines but suddenly every choice I make, or every activity I partake in has something to do with my BPD ex's absence and I always think to myself "If only she was still in my life things would be so much better." Its a thought that circulates in my mind 24/7 like a server.

And I also think hard about the cold harsh things she contorted about me at the end before I went complete true no contact with her just as much.

I'm trying to learn all I can about this disorder. I want others here to chime in if it is truly BPD she has or that I'm the crazy one.

I Just can't believe I went through all that with her. It was like the entire relationship was just a dream.

[Turkish]

 No,  you're not the only one who has gone through this.  You're in good and safe company here.  



You're an engineering major, so I'm assuming that you're an analytical person.  Relationships with PWBPD  (people with BPD) can be especially difficult for those who are more analytical.  Problems can be solved if given enough thought and effort,  no?  Not so with a pwBPD who is guided by emotions which are also unstable and fleeting.  

She whipped you back and forth and this is painful.  It's hard to process what is said one moment with what may be the opposite said in another.  To start,  you may want to take a look at this:

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles9.htm

I was often aghast at the things my ex said to me,  and it took me a long time to accept that her thoughts were vastly different than mine,  but they were.

Understanding this is the first step to healing.  Perhaps this can help as well:

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

Turkish  

[gotbushels]

Hi RJRGT3 

Thank you for sharing your experience.

Sometimes, when we abruptly detach from a more immersive intimate relationship, it's difficult for us to move into an identity where we are distinct and separate. You might see this as descriptive of how your mind seems to persistently move toward the thoughts of your relationship and ex partner in your daily routine. That's quite normal.

Since you've expressed an interest in learning all you can about this disorder, I encourage you to have a look at the link that Turkish recommended. It's a great start.

I think you'll be greatly comforted by the perspectives here. We understand what you're going through. I recognise some of the things you mention and I don't doubt that others here recognise the rest of your story. I encourage you to take care of yourself. I look forward to seeing how the story goes from here.   

[asphyx]

At the moment, my mental state is like a record. I am able to function okay with my normal daily routines but suddenly every choice I make, or every activity I partake in has something to do with my BPD ex's absence and I always think to myself "If only she was still in my life things would be so much better." Its a thought that circulates in my mind 24/7 like a server.

This is an thought based on emotion, not logic. I'm sure there were many negatives about the relationship that you are overlooking, or were not even aware of. From your story it is clear that she was toying with your emotions for the entire relationship. No one deserves that treatment.

I'm trying to learn all I can about this disorder. I want others here to chime in if it is truly BPD she has or that I'm the crazy one.

I Just can't believe I went through all that with her. It was like the entire relationship was just a dream.

Judging from your story, I'd be willing to bet anything that she has BPD. I'm sure if you read stories from other people on this website, you'll definitely see strong similarities in your relationship.

You are NOT the crazy one! But this is a very common thought for BPD partners as they use psychological projection as a common defense mechanism. Just look at how many people thought the same thing:

https://www.google.com.au/#q=site%3Abpdfamily.com+am+i+the+crazy+one

How a BPD relationship plays out with a normal partner is very predictable. At first they will be obsessed with you, and do anything to make you fall in love with them. Then when you finally do, it triggers their core fear of abandonment, they feel smothered and proceed to do something to distance you from them so you can't hurt them like their caregiver abandoned them during childhood. Then they come back, professing their undying love for you. Then when you finally feel safe again and get close to them, they do the same thing. Repeat ad nauseum. It's truly heartbreaking to deal with.

In extreme cases, ex-partners of BPDs can develop PTSD from the sudden abandonment of their BPD partner. To see this person that apparently loved you so deeply to suddenly turn on you and not want anything to do with you can be emotionally traumatic, similar to experiencing the death of a loved one.

[gotbushels]

  asphyx your link.

I like your summary   

Interesting comment about PTSD.

[RJRGT3]

At the moment, my mental state is like a record. I am able to function okay with my normal daily routines but suddenly every choice I make, or every activity I partake in has something to do with my BPD ex's absence and I always think to myself "If only she was still in my life things would be so much better." Its a thought that circulates in my mind 24/7 like a server.

This is an thought based on emotion, not logic. I'm sure there were many negatives about the relationship that you are overlooking, or were not even aware of. From your story it is clear that she was toying with your emotions for the entire relationship. No one deserves that treatment.

I'm trying to learn all I can about this disorder. I want others here to chime in if it is truly BPD she has or that I'm the crazy one.

I Just can't believe I went through all that with her. It was like the entire relationship was just a dream.

Judging from your story, I'd be willing to bet anything that she has BPD. I'm sure if you read stories from other people on this website, you'll definitely see strong similarities in your relationship.

You are NOT the crazy one! But this is a very common thought for BPD partners as they use psychological projection as a common defense mechanism. Just look at how many people thought the same thing:

https://www.google.com.au/#q=site%3Abpdfamily.com+am+i+the+crazy+one

How a BPD relationship plays out with a normal partner is very predictable. At first they will be obsessed with you, and do anything to make you fall in love with them. Then when you finally do, it triggers their core fear of abandonment, they feel smothered and proceed to do something to distance you from them so you can't hurt them like their caregiver abandoned them during childhood. Then they come back, professing their undying love for you. Then when you finally feel safe again and get close to them, they do the same thing. Repeat ad nauseum. It's truly heartbreaking to deal with.

In extreme cases, ex-partners of BPDs can develop PTSD from the sudden abandonment of their BPD partner. To see this person that apparently loved you so deeply to suddenly turn on you and not want anything to do with you can be emotionally traumatic, similar to experiencing the death of a loved one.

I told my therapist the same exact thing you said at the end. For me it feels like having watched her get tortured and killed in front of my own eyes. That is the best way I can describe my current state of shock.

Sometimes I often ponder if I'm the only person she'll ever be this way towards because I'm sure other people are going to treat her differently given the conditions of our relationship (ie long distance). She seemed to have moved on so quickly and easily with no remorse for me.

In comparison the girlfriend I had before her still talks to me and has admitted to remorse for her actions resulting in the end of our relationship.

[hurting300]

At the moment, my mental state is like a record. I am able to function okay with my normal daily routines but suddenly every choice I make, or every activity I partake in has something to do with my BPD ex's absence and I always think to myself "If only she was still in my life things would be so much better." Its a thought that circulates in my mind 24/7 like a server.

This is an thought based on emotion, not logic. I'm sure there were many negatives about the relationship that you are overlooking, or were not even aware of. From your story it is clear that she was toying with your emotions for the entire relationship. No one deserves that treatment.

I'm trying to learn all I can about this disorder. I want others here to chime in if it is truly BPD she has or that I'm the crazy one.

I Just can't believe I went through all that with her. It was like the entire relationship was just a dream.

Judging from your story, I'd be willing to bet anything that she has BPD. I'm sure if you read stories from other people on this website, you'll definitely see strong similarities in your relationship.

You are NOT the crazy one! But this is a very common thought for BPD partners as they use psychological projection as a common defense mechanism. Just look at how many people thought the same thing:

https://www.google.com.au/#q=site%3Abpdfamily.com+am+i+the+crazy+one



In extreme cases, ex-partners of BPDs can develop PTSD from the sudden abandonment of their BPD partner. To see this person that apparently loved you so deeply to suddenly turn on you and not want anything to do with you can be emotionally traumatic, similar to experiencing the death of a loved one.

Yes. I developed PTSD. Sometimes I still get the feeling whenever I walk into a store that she is there. It's terrible.

[RJRGT3]

hurting300... .

I often feel the same way when I'm in malls or walk past women's department stores such as H&M, Macy's, etc.

[gotbushels]

Well long distance relationships create their own sets of unique problems. Because of that it becomes a bit more difficult trying to understand where it fits in relationships we would call "normal". I did experience a bit of this and I will say that problems arise when "long-distance" becomes a "scapegoat" label for a lot of behaviours we would nearly never tolerate otherwise.

Can you describe this remorse you talk about? 

I told my therapist the same exact thing you said at the end. For me it feels like having watched her get tortured and killed in front of my own eyes. That is the best way I can describe my current state of shock.

I asked a professional what follow-on effects are for nons to these relationships too, so I relate to that. Would you mind sharing your thoughts on the highlighted bit?--it's not really clear.

[RJRGT3]

Well the long distance was its own can of worms but I think whatever issues that presented was isolated from the rest of this mess and probably wasn't a big issue in the grand scheme of things. My ex BPD was very tolerable in regards to the distance and knew that I'd be the one to close that gap eventually. I really did plan on doing so by the end of the year.

Getting back on track,

What I meant by that description you highlighted is that, to me I thought she was always the innocent introverted girl who shared the same values that I did. Of course as said in my story I had to get her to stop drinking. It was so unusual to see her get into that kind of behavior after she left me the first time.

When she had sent me emails telling me of all the things she was up to that was totally out of the character I thought I knew her for, in my mind it was like the girl I had come to know and love had died. Her description of the very activities she'd involve herself in that I feared for the most had come true, and in essence, that was like seeing her die right before my eyes.

The very girl who I thought cared for me, would seemingly defend me from any criticism from family, and seemingly never want to let go of me, was gone. It was like a switch was flipped and she never existed.

And not a day goes by where I ask myself "where are you?".

[hurting300]

hurting300... .

I often feel the same way when I'm in malls or walk past women's department stores such as H&M, Macy's, etc.

In Walmart tonight, I got a really cold feeling she had been there. It's crazy. I don't understand it. Why?

[gotbushels]

  RJRGT3 okay.

What I meant by that description you highlighted is that, to me I thought she was always the innocent introverted girl who shared the same values that I did.

I thought this too. I regret that I wasn't able to see the real her much faster. I know that the idealization / devaluation is greatly to blame for my tolerance of her over time.

Of course as said in my story I had to get her to stop drinking. It was so unusual to see her get into that kind of behavior after she left me the first time.

I do respect people struggling with alcohol. I'll share my bit from this. When the drinking started, she threw up on me, in my car, and hit me in public while lying in the little pools of vomit. Not really something that looks like a long-term relationship.

Regarding "in my mind it was like the girl I had come to know and love had died", this information may help you see the whole of this person you think may have BPD traits. It's thought that a pwBPD can be two extremely different people at once.

While "healthy" people have a wide variety of behaviours, I'll focus on your mentioning values. I include the assumption that a relationship is between two people, which includes interactions and behaviours of two people, before going on. Now, if you observe that the values of this person seems to shift more drastically than "normal", between person "A" and person "B" (that are contained in your ex), that could be a manifestation of the unstable self trait (DSM5 bullet 3). I'm not a doctor, but that might help you get some understanding.

[RJRGT3]

It very much seems that there were two people in her personality. The really sucky thing about all of this is that in some way, I knew that re-entering the relationship when she had texted me back so out of the blue last August was a bad idea. But, her story of how she couldn't stop crying for me out of the blue in public and her desire to make things work got me to accept her.

That is perhaps the biggest regret I have in my life right now.

Our out of the blue separation (for the millionth time) and the things she had told me post break-up had gotten me into an existential crisis of some sorts.

Not only that but now I'm extremely scared of entering new relationships. I fear that all I'm going to do is try to find the girl I thought my BPD ex was in other women.

I can't seem to shake the fact that for me, it feels like she is the one that got away. I feel like any women after her is just a big compromise to what I really wanted, which was the person I thought she was.

[woundedPhoenix]

it is totally confusing is it... .

First the "i will always love you", "you are perfect", "I never met someone like you", and their intense need to be with you and adore you, it flatters you straight to the core, and you believe it all.

But you didn't know that deep down she is a person with a highly fluctuating personality, who doesn't really know what she is, and what she wants and needs.

A person with a huge need for love and intense bonding, yet with an intense fear of really getting that love and intense bonding.

And that creates a relationship dynamic where they push you away and pull you back in for no apparent reason.
And the explanations they do give you are often just rationalisations of their internal chaos pointed at you, but you don't know that yet... .

It's nothing personal towards you, it's basically an attachment issue, internally they are so restless that they can't stay in a stable relationship, but also fear abandonment.
They either have to create drama within the relationship to manage their distance and closeness to you. Some of them choose long distance relationships exactly for that reason: distance. And in a more deregulated state they bounce back and forth between several partners, hence the cheating or a whole football team of other guys.

Their needs are so intense that they really adapt themselves to make you like them, tell you what you like to hear, present themselves as what you always were looking for. And they will do that to the next guy as well, even if they need to make a 180 degree turn for it.

Best way to look at it is like emotionally they are a ball in a pinball machine, it just bounces back and forth wildly and changes color every time it hits... .

[gotbushels]

  RJRGT3 how many recycles have you gone through with this person?

Not only that but now I'm extremely scared of entering new relationships. I fear that all I'm going to do is try to find the girl I thought my BPD ex was in other women.

I'd consider the first one is likely to go away after you understand more about the disorder. The second one here is more of a personal choice. What is this "girl" that you thought your BPD ex seemed to hold? I'm not very sure what you mean but I think it's not as bad as you think. Not all "desirable women" exist in pwBPDs. This is despite BPD being one of the most common of all psychiatric disorders.

I can't seem to shake the fact that for me, it feels like she is the one that got away. I feel like any women after her is just a big compromise to what I really wanted, which was the person I thought she was.

Well, yes. Again, the first feeling will start to go away with understanding (consider Turkish's post). The second again seems based on what you said before, could you define what you really wanted?

Coming back to the earlier part of your thread, I do think these are all quite normal responses of someone having received part of a relationship from another person showing BPD traits.

[RJRGT3]

The rollercoaster I was on with the BPD ex has definitely misaligned everything about romantic relationships. I'd best say this as in she "ruined" relationships for me.

I also feel like I'm the one that has become the addict to the illusion that she was, not the real person that her BPD presents her as. That is what I meant as far as having difficulty with future relationships. Its the addiction. I'm not quite sure what it is about her that has put me in this state of mind.

I have convinced myself it is going to take someone truly spectacular to understand all this, or to wipe out the pain and after effects of the ex's BPD.

It has been 5 months and I often feel like it was just yesterday she had left me, is this normal in BPD relationships?

[Moselle]

Not only that but now I'm extremely scared of entering new relationships. I fear that all I'm going to do is try to find the girl I thought my BPD ex was in other women.

RJRGT3, you have been through a very traumatic experience and I recognise the heartache, fear and concern about new relationships and how they might work out. I entered a BPD/NPD relationship when I was 25 and stayed for a further 15 years, so I can empathise with the pain, anxiety and destruction

Are you still seeing the therapist? What is he/she saying about your recovery from this? Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself some time to heal. It may take longer than you think, but is well worth the effort. I know it sounds counter intuitive but the answer to your progress lies within you, rather than in her. If you look at the five stages of detachment on the right of this screen, where do you think you are?

What are the traits in other women that you are attracted to?

[RJRGT3]

Not only that but now I'm extremely scared of entering new relationships. I fear that all I'm going to do is try to find the girl I thought my BPD ex was in other women.

RJRGT3, you have been through a very traumatic experience and I recognise the heartache, fear and concern about new relationships and how they might work out. I entered a BPD/NPD relationship when I was 25 and stayed for a further 15 years, so I can empathise with the pain, anxiety and destruction

Are you still seeing the therapist? What is he/she saying about your recovery from this? Try to be kind to yourself and give yourself some time to heal. It may take longer than you think, but is well worth the effort. I know it sounds counter intuitive but the answer to your progress lies within you, rather than in her. If you look at the five stages of detachment on the right of this screen, where do you think you are?

What are the traits in other women that you are attracted to?

Yes I am still seeing the therapist. I've known about the BPD in the ex ever since the psychiatrist pointed it out when I told him my story. It was shocking to me. I believe I'm somewhere between stages 2 and 3 in the five stages of detachment.

Its hard to say now what traits I am attracted to exactly because this BPD relationship really made me rethink what I thought I knew. All I can say right now is that I feel like future relationships will be "settling for less" as in the "fake" that my BPD ex presented to me was the real deal.

[Moselle]

Well done, stick to it!

Self enquiry and processing are the hard work, and when we do it, we are able to move on cleanly.

It gets clearer in time, what she was and what a healthy relationship looks like. FOr now its best too just acknowledge the feeling of fear regarding new relationships. It will pass

[RJRGT3]

I have a lot of questions regarding many moments me and the BPD ex had together that linger in my head often.

It is bizarre to me how someone who cries for you at airports, becomes insanely sad after I leave from a visit missing me, to getting really scared when a display picture of us together does not show up on our chatting apps can all of a sudden stab you in both eyes and then proceed to push you off a cliff laughing. One would think to themselves that a display of such emotions or reactions indicates that the SO would do everything NOT to loose me.

Moments like those are ones I question. If someone else shows me those same emotions, how would I know if they are genuine or not?

You can see this is where the effects of my BPD ex really mess things up in my head.