Introduction and some advice

[Maheen]

Hello everyone!
My daughter is 24 years old. From childhood she was different, very intelligent, with artistic inclination, athletic. Somewhere in early childhood she started developing anxieties which became more intense as she grew in her teens, to make a long story short as she entered college she had depression and anxiety issues which in more stressful situation resulted in meltdowns. While working after graduation she got in some relationships. In her teenage years itself she had told me that she is bisexual and her relationships have been with both sexes till she settled into heterosexuality for now. Her issues got worse, she started getting dissociated sometimes while she was studying post grad abroad. She went to Psychiatrist there, got medicines which proved to be very intense so she had to stop taking it.
After returning she went in for tests and got diagnosis of BPD. Since then she has been undergoing weekly therapies and takes 10mg cipralex everyday. I am a Pranic Healer, so i do regular healing for her which helps her to an extent as well. Things are getting better slowly on that front.
My main concern right now is her relationship with her boyfriend of past 9 months. This guy is overall quite good but has lot of his own issues. Over the time they have been together he has gone through all her meltdowns, but at the same time, he is the trigger for those meltdowns. Right in the beginning she told him about all her previous relationships ( thinking that she should be honest about it). Now this guy has turned into one jealous person, beratting her all the time when she goes somewhere, asking her who she slept with and why she is going out at this time and that. Everytime this happens, he shouts at her, blames her and then shuts off communications. When that happens my daughter goes in rage, she cries pitously,tries to hurt herself. She begs him to talk to her, reply to her messages. She has even tried to jump down three storeys. She begs to him to forgive and blames herself all the time. Till today she has been trying to show us, her parents, how she had done somthing wrong or neglected to take care of him so she is suffering. Her therapist says I should not intervene. The guy seems to be also having BPD traits but is refusing to go to therapy.
I have been trying to talk to my daughter about this situation for quite sometime, today she listened to what i had to say, wherein I did not blame him directly but told her that what he is saying has no basis and he really needs to get some help.
My dilemma here is should I intervene in spite of what therapist has told me, or should i let my daughter handle it. Ideally i would let her handle it, she is wise and logical person. But she is quite fragile right now and unable to go beyond blaming herself though when she is lucid she agrees that he is wrong. I feel urgency here because he plans to propose to her this week and even though he doesnt trust her, he will still propose i feel.
Can anyone advice me on this or share some thoughts and experiences please?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[saphirewidow]

What do you mean by intervene?  It sounds like you have talked with her about the situation.  I'm not sure you could do much.  She is an adult and he is an adult.  If you have voiced your concerns you may need to step back because you don't really have control over the situation.  Are you getting caught in a triangulation circle?  Sucked into the drama? Do you know for sure he is as verbally abusive as she makes him sound (He may be but I never really know the truth of a matter unless I see it for myself with all the twisted perceptions my son has)?  She may be pushing his buttons as well. It is so easy to get caught up in the drama.  I am wondering what the rational your therapist uses for you to stay out of the situation.  I don't have answers for you but am sorry you are going through this.  We want so much for our children to be happy and healthy and make good choices and have good relationships. Our struggle is how to love and support them while not going crazy with grief and pain ourselves. 

[lbjnltx]

One of the hallmarks of BPD is the fear of abandonment (real or imagined).  Your d24 may be frantically trying to avoid abandonment by hanging onto this unhealthy relationship.

As a parent to an adult child it is wise to support and not advise.  Validate her feelings and if she becomes more centered ask her some validating questions to help guide her to her own wise choice.  She will either get there or she won't. 

Like saphirewidow wrote... ."you really don't have control... ."

You can read about validation here on this site and about how to ask validating questions.

Validate the Valid

The Power of Asking Validating Questions

Let us know what you think about these resources.  They have helped many, including myself.

lbj