Given myself for 8 years and I have no Energy Left

[Justnotgood]

I have been in a relationship for 8 years with a woman who I adore, or I think I do. I don't know where to start, I am just exhausted and have been stone walled by her again. She no doubt has BPD, major abandonment issues tot he point where I cannot even stay away one night per month with work (every time I do she leaves me for a week or so) EVERYTHING is an issue for her!

Right now I feel like absolute rubbish and no one else sees what she is like behind closed doors. I need my life back from her.

She has complete and utter control over me - I need to admit that, I am powerless against her.

Any advice is very much welcome - there is so much more to tell.

[married21years]

 

welcome to the club

we have cookies 

we have all been there read read and read some more

you are safe here 

[Justnotgood]

Thanks,

Can't believe I've wasted so many years trying to prove myself to this woman who is never happy and who I chase around 90% of the time, being at her beckoning call, looking for 10% of affection and love and acknowledgement.

Very angry with myself and with her.

[married21years]

try 25

its a journey, but you will get there 

[earlgrey]

Hi Jon, with you all the way... .particularly the behind closed doors bit.

There are many wise contributors here to help with absolutely everything.

It is a journey... .it starts now.

A lot of reading helped me, and then realising I can only do anything about ME.

Others act just the way they want, and if we let them they probably will.

My first step was to realise (without any great understanding) the r/s was not working both ways.

I managed to pull back (after some).

And slowly slowly get things in order.

[heartandwhole]

Hi JonGibson,



I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling powerless and rubbish. These kinds of relationships can take so much out of us that we feel we are shells of ourselves. You are definitely not alone. I felt that way, and many other members have written the same. It hurts and I totally understand why you feel you have no energy left—in my relationship, I felt completely exhausted from jumping through hoops to try to satisfy pwBPD's needs.

Thankfully, things can get better for you, JonGibson. There really is hope. This site has so many tools and resources to help. And members who understand.

When you can, tell us a little more about your story. How do the abandonment fears usually play out? What kind of self-care are you able to do for yourself?

Keep posting and let us know how we can best assist you. You have come to the right place for support.

heartandwhole 

[Justnotgood]

Hi heartandwhole

She can be the most loving person one minute and the next minute I am the worst person in the world. She has major trust issues with me and not because of anything I've done. I don't go out with friends (it seems I have no friends left and have slowly fallen out with most of my family) I don't drink or smoke. I would do pretty much anything for her and her kids. She is addicted to drama and tells me constantly how much of a sorry excuse I am and how mush her friends cant believe she is still with me. and that she wants to find a man to treat her right. She cuts me offer weeks on end for any minor argument that is ALWAYS my fault.

My head tells me and has told me for such a long time that I need to get out but have never found the strength and every time I beg and beg for her back it just increases her power over me.

And the funny thing is, outside of the relationship I am a confident person and always have been. I don't know how she has done this and how I have let her. And now it seems she walks away without a care and I feel like I have nothing. I toiled and worked every day on eggshells trying to appease her and prove myself to her while apologising just to save dramas in front of her kids and mine (I have a son 10 years old).

This has come to a head recently because she expected me to drive home 2.5 hours from 3 day conference every night. I asked her to come with me and also said I would compromise and come home one night but she went ballistic and stonewalled me. She then play the victim to everyone and makes me out to be the unreasonable one. I don't know why I care what others think, I really don't. She has alienated me from all my friends and most of my family. I feel so angry with myself. The only comfort I can find is that we don't have any kids together.

For self preservation I go to the gym, but will need to leave that one soon and she also goes there and has allot of friends there that think she is wonderful. She is very attractive and no doubt will move on very fast, that will kill me . I need to cut all contact and just get away from her.

[heartandwhole]

Hi JonGibson,

I really feel for you. I know how hard it is to let go, and the feeling of helplessness as our needs get buried under a mountain of someone else's. Very draining.

The good news is that there is a way out. The not so good news is that the only way out is to feel stuff the we would do almost anything to avoid feeling. But it's definitely doable, and on the other side is freedom and a new life and newfound wisdom and peace.

Are you currently living with your partner? Have you broached the subject of breaking up with her at all? Has she expressed an awareness that she has issues that cause relationship stress?

I know this feel overwhelming right now, but step by step you will work through this. We're here for you.

heartandwhole

[bus boy]

Welcome JonGibson. You will find lots of great advice and help on here. I can, we all can relate to your story. My ex was a street angel kitchen devil. She was so nice and so cruel. Keep writing, keep reading. It will take time but it will get better and de well worth in the end.

[bus boy]

Hi JonGibson, as I read your story again and again and my brain processes what I read, it's like reading my own story, amazing. She would say things like, her friends think I have something wrong with me or how people tell her I have mental issues and how could she stay with me, or how everyone hates me, hates my family. She caused so much conflict between my family and I. Call the them terrable names,saying mean things and lies about my family to the point where they didn't want anything to do with her and than twist it in her brain that my family wouldn't talk to her and than expected me not talk to my family, telling me I didn't know how to protect her, what am I going to do about my family. It was mentally exhausting constant conflict. I was a walking shell, a mental disaster. Nothing i would ever do or say could comfort her, get her to look at me as a man. The harder it tried the worse she got, the more I compromised the more she looked at me as a coward. She wanted conflict, used threats and threats of violence to try and solve. I wanted peace and compromise, solve problems like civilized humans. She would go into screaming hysterics at me and it was scary. You are in the right place. This is a step in the right direction to recovery from an emotionally abusive r/s

[Justnotgood]

Hi Bus Boy, Thanks for your words.

I can particularly relate to the following that you wrote

''She wanted conflict, used threats and threats of violence to try and solve. I wanted peace and compromise, solve problems like civilized humans. She would go into screaming hysterics at me and it was scary''

Recently, I had booked a 3 day break for us in the lake district at a 5 star spa hotel (she only likes the best), we had it planned and had taken time off work, we were going on a weds, thurs, Friday. 2 weeks before hand I was asked to participate in a charity work triathlon that was happening on a public holiday of the same week (Monday). It was something I wanted to do. I said to her,

 ''let's go up to London on the sunday night, stay over in a nice hotel (work was paying), we will have a nice meal out in Windsor (lovely little town) and then on Monday come and support me with the triathlon and you will be able to meet some of my work colleagues (she had been asking to meet as feels insecure about them) and then we will have an extra night away on out way tot he lake district''

There was no logistical reason that she could not come and it would have turned a 3 night break into a 5 night break.
Her response:
''No, what the f*&k am I suppose to do while you are swimming in the lake?'' (I was only doing the one event as part of a team)
''I will be 20 mins max babe and you can watch me cheer me on''
'' No f*%king way, I am not giving up my day to come and stand on the side of a lake while you are doing something to impress all your work colleagues, who is it you are trying to impress? what is the real reason you want to go to this event? why is it so important?''
'' No one babe, I just thought it would be a good idea and you would be able to meet the people that I work with, I promise it will be fun and I won't leave you for any longer than the swimming race''
'' You selfish blah blah blah''
''Okay, well you don't want to go but I would like to so I will drive up in the morning and be back by lunch time and then we will go away on the weds together as planned''
''No you are not going, I have not had enough notice, I don't want to go, if you were not so desperate for me to come, I would swear that you have another woman up there'' (I was desperate for her to come and support me)
''I begrudge spending so much money on us going away for 3 nights when you cannot even support with one event''
''So you don't want to take me away anymore, fine I'm not going! and so on and so on''

Anyway, to summarise, I went to the event and everyone else had their family and partner's there supporting them. I felt awful. I felt such guilt over being there without her and didn't enjoy myself. She called me while I was there telling me ''it is over, I cant be with someone who is so selfish and doesn't put me first''
We didn't go away and I spent the next 2 weeks, being stonewalled, begging for her forgiveness and apologising for not dealing with things correctly despite knowing that she was the one being completely unreasonable! And by doing so I just increase her power over me, I'm addicted to her and let her treat me like this. Its a completely bizarre thing. Why do I let her do it to me?

So many other situations, I realise she has never supported me like I do her and unless its about me making her feel secure and proving to her 24/7 that she is the most important person to me, she will kick off.

[earlgrey]

Hi Jon I can understand and feel everything you say.

I know this is your thread, but to try and give you some perspective I'll give you some of my story.

You wanted to do your sport... .that's of no interest to her. For her, your time would have been better spent paying attention to her.

(Probably in a healthy r/s a W. would come and cheer).

In my case swap kids for sport. I spend time with OUR kids I get hell.

My W. can only accept central stage, alone, no shadows. But careful, that doesn't mean I want my SO to be there too, you (SO) can watch at distance.

I just had slowly to back away from this scenario.

I couldn't discuss it, fix it, change it, certainly not tolerate it, so with acceptance and knowledge I started doing the only thing possible, looking out for my interests and pulling away.

[michel71]

Jon... .you are not alone. This is a great Board and we are all here to listen to your stories and offer advice. I am not yet out of my relationship so I haven't come out the other side to give you the full picture. Just read and read the posts and you will see the various stories. What is great is to read posts from some people from the very beginning ( where you are) who have come out the other side.
Now some people do decide to stay with their partners, use the tools on this site, they succeed or they fail I suppose but I can tell you this: The STAYING Board has some very insightful posts. This will be your life if you decide to stay and only you can answer how much more you are willing to take.
It is a process. That is for sure. You might find yourself, as I did, on and off so many of the Boards depending on my status, the deregulation of my uBPDstbxw and now optimistic I felt at the time.
I remember feeling as you do.
Here is how my process has gone:
Feeling on top of the world ( idealization phase)
Something is wrong... .what happened?
Let me try harder to fix it.
IT happened again, it must be me.
Try harder. DO anything.
uBPD ups the ante and does something/says something horrible.
I confront. Hey... .it's not me, it's you.
PAINTED BLACK.
Stayed black. It got worse.
Broken Heart. I can't cope.
Oscillate between making it better or leaving.
Can't live without her.
Live in hell.
Depression. NO joy in life.
Waking up. Hey... .I want to enjoy my life. I don't deserve this.
Why am I taking this? ( self reflection/therapy)
Anger.
She is running my life.
I love her but we are not compatible.
I love her but I do not trust her.
I love her but she disrespects me.
Why do I love her so much still? (more therapy... .still working on it by the way).
I need to leave if I love myself.

And the process is still going on for me... .
 

[Justnotgood]

Hi Michel71

I can relate so much to going back and forth, feeling strong and adamant about leaving but then feeling like I can't live without her. It is torture... .it is not sustainable. For me, I want to have another kid (I have a 10 year old n not hers) but cannot see her as the mother of my child. That in itself should give me all the motivation I need but I just can't find the strength to leave and stay strong... .in fact,, I find myself begging her not to leave and I take all the blame for everything.

I'm addicted to her