I can't be with her. I know that. It just makes me unhappy. I think its just another ploy to re-engage me. I've fallen for every attempt she's ever made.
You know this.
I wish I had just deleted her email without even reading it. It's all I think about and have already re-read it 100 times.
I can relate.
Can I suggest an email filter that automatically puts her emails in the trash? I blocked my pwBPD just in case, because I was not sure I would have the strength to resist a peek at a message, if one came. I decided I was done, and that I would protect myself and give myself a rest until I felt stronger.
It's the bipolar part that has me baffled. It shouldn't make a difference in the end. I just want to know where that came from.
It may be a misdiagnosis by the therapist, a deliberate obfuscation, or even a typo. I can tell you that, previously when I finished it with my pwBPD (and never stayed away for longer than a month) I would see possibility in similar "offerings" by him. A message that talked about how messed up he was, or how he was going to do x, y, or z. I would wring my hands for a day or two and then couldn't help myself but reengage to correct some misapprehension I believed he had, or to provide a little more perspective, or give a bit of comfort, whatever. Each time, what I believed to be a genuine turning of a new leaf, was a short-lived, possibly genuine, but definitely short-lived intention to actually do something constructive. And even if it hadn't been short-lived, it wouldn't have been something I could any longer bear to be a part of in any capacity. Once I realised that, it was a lot easier.
Now I think his welfare is none of my business. He's another grown up who will stumble through with whatever tools he has at his disposal. The endless conversations with me did not help either of us.
