STILL conflicted about NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, all,

Like many on here, I am cursed with the ability to ruminate endlessly and to continuously see two sides to every tale.  I am still hoping to be strong enough to go NC with my dexBPDbf, but I keep reading posts that note how terribly hurt the "non" is when the pwBPD goes NC on them.  Many have described how painful it is to find oneself blocked on social media and elsewhere, yet that is exactly what is recommended for many of us for our own healing.

I personally am pretty damn sure that I will be drawn back into (another) recycle if I don't go NC, but I can't help but feel how badly this will hurt him, and because I care about him, I haven't been able to rouse myself to do it. 

Aren't we acting as bad as "them" if we go NC and "pull the rug out from under"?  Doesn't that make us just as arbitrarily cruel? 

Is there any way to soften the blow to the pwBPD who will be on the receiving end of NC?  I mean, I know it really will be best for me, but if I explain to to him in terms of "this is something I need to do to help re-establish my own balance" he's not going to understand and still persist in seeing it as terribly cruel.

and logistically what do I do? Just tell him I'm blocking him and go ahead and do it?

No surprise that my T and I have been working on issues of guilt that start with my FOO... .I just can't seem to put my own feelings first, and yeah, I still have strong feelings for him as well despite 8 years of significant emotional and verbal abuse.  Guess I'm just venting!  I hate being STUCK when a decision really needs to be made... .  thanks for any tips people can give on how they might have managed NC in the way that caused the least collateral damage. 

[chillamom]

Hi, all,

Like many on here, I am cursed with the ability to ruminate endlessly and to continuously see two sides to every tale.  I am still hoping to be strong enough to go NC with my dexBPDbf, but I keep reading posts that note how terribly hurt the "non" is when the pwBPD goes NC on them.  Many have described how painful it is to find oneself blocked on social media and elsewhere, yet that is exactly what is recommended for many of us for our own healing.

I personally am pretty damn sure that I will be drawn back into (another) recycle if I don't go NC, but I can't help but feel how badly this will hurt him, and because I care about him, I haven't been able to rouse myself to do it. 

Aren't we acting as bad as "them" if we go NC and "pull the rug out from under"?  Doesn't that make us just as arbitrarily cruel? 

Is there any way to soften the blow to the pwBPD who will be on the receiving end of NC?  I mean, I know it really will be best for me, but if I explain to to him in terms of "this is something I need to do to help re-establish my own balance" he's not going to understand and still persist in seeing it as terribly cruel.

and logistically what do I do? Just tell him I'm blocking him and go ahead and do it?

No surprise that my T and I have been working on issues of guilt that start with my FOO... .I just can't seem to put my own feelings first, and yeah, I still have strong feelings for him as well despite 8 years of significant emotional and verbal abuse.  Guess I'm just venting!  I hate being STUCK when a decision really needs to be made... .  thanks for any tips people can give on how they might have managed NC in the way that caused the least collateral damage. 

[patientandclear]

There is a huge difference between silent treatment, where the person just vanishes, and a thoughtfully-explained period of no contact which you need in order to heal from injuries you sustained because you care about someone.

As Hurt300 often explains, explaining WHY you are going to be stepping away is all-important in distinguishing between the two.  We don't need to be juvenile or impulsive and just ice the other person out.  There is a good reason for periods of NC and it costs nothing to explain it.  Having done so, I don't think it feels like "abandonment" on the receiving end.  It feels like loss of something they might like to have, yes, but THAT can be a valuable life lesson.  In any event, it's different than acting like you don't care, when you really do, which is just really a non-verbal lie.

[pjstock42]

This is just my opinion but hopefully it's helpful. I belelieve that true no contact when followed 100% with no exceptions cannot in itself cause any collateral damage. Having any connection between your life and theirs is the only way for more damage to be created so cutting the contact is a preventative measure to prevent future pain. The pain, difficulty and self-doubt that you will experience during NC is just your mind moving through what's happened and getting on the road to healing which is something that you have to face on your own at some point. Allowing this person to play any role in your life will only prolong the negatives that resulted from your relationship in the first place. As hard as it may be, don't worry about how this may affect your ex because this is something that you need to do for yourself.

[chillamom]

Thanks, patientandclear, I appreciate your perspective, and I actually cried reading your recent reply to steelwork about the fact that maybe all these things are just part of our cross to bear.  Radical acceptance must be a wonderful thing once a person can grasp it.  And yes, I am definitely planning to explain myself if and when I do choose to do NC, both verbally and in writing to "solidify" things.  I know my ex doesn't have the ability to take my perspective at ALL  (he has been diagnosed as BPD with co-morbid NPD) but I need to try to get my point across, and if I don't ultimately do this for me, I really think I'll be dragged down even further.  As it is I'm barely functioning... .so thanks for taking the time to give me your thoughts!

[VitaminC]

Aren't we acting as bad as "them" if we go NC and "pull the rug out from under"?  Doesn't that make us just as arbitrarily cruel? 

Hi Chillamom,

no, we are not being "arbitrarily cruel". NC is about protecting yourself, giving yourself a rest from the damage that you are sustaining, and giving yourself time to process and heal. It is not done as an act of aggression against the other.  That right there would be the main difference between a non doing it and someone with BPD.  You are not wanting to cause pain, just to minimize your own. And you have not just the right, but the responsibility to yourself to do that.

and logistically what do I do? Just tell him I'm blocking him and go ahead and do it?

It depends what your communication is like.  You could say that you need some time to process things, that you need some peace for a while. That in order to take care of yourself, you need to have no contact. You can put a time-frame on it, whatever feels reasonable to you. Six weeks is often recommended.

Have you seen this?: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm
Do read the whole article, but this part in particular:

"No Contact" is mostly about the non-borderline forcing "distance" into the relationship to help the non-borderline heal; to get the "space" needed to get over the hurt; get on with their lives.

The key elements of "No Contact" are

~    to get the partner out of your day-to- day life,

~    to stop thinking in terms of a relationship,

~    to take them out of your vision of the future,

~    to stop wondering about how they are perceiving everything you are doing, and

~    to stop obsessing with how they are reacting (or not reacting) or what they are doing.
   
These are the simple objectives of "No Contact". You may need to remind yourself every day of what you are trying to do. It takes focus and determination to do this - at a time when you probably just want to sit down and cry. Just keep reminding yourself that it takes great strength and determination to be emotionally healthy."

Whatever way it is interpreted is not something you can control. You can state your needs simply and then just do it.

If blocking him is necessary then do that.

Of course you care about him. I get that and we do not want to hurt the people we care about. But you also care about yourself, right? And you have to do something to avoid hurting yourself further and something that will actively protect yourself and allow you to take care of you. That is important.

[chillamom]

pjstock42, thank you for your insights on this issue.  I honestly and rationally think more collateral damage is possible for both myself AND him if we try to maintain some type of LC or "friendship".  My T says I am doing him no favors with the intermittent reinforcement, and that ultimately he may have to hit the "rock bottom" if he is ever to have a chance at meaningful change.   I have been his lover/best friend/mother/whipping post/emotional crutch for the better part of a decade, and it hasn't helped him one bit.  So even if I look at it from his perspective, in the long run NC is probably best for him and well.  I just hope I have the strength to finally do it and even more, maintain it.  100% is a hard goal to hit... .

[chillamom]

Thank you, VitaminC, for reminding me of this article.  I've practically memorized it, , but appreciate the words again.  One of my major issues throughout this entire relationship has been my endless ability to be a "doormat" for him.  I am working in therapy on my codependency issues (although my T doesn't see me as codependent, just overly "nice" when it comes to him alone!).  I don't have trouble being assertive and "together" in any other areas of my life, but with my ex, different story.  I will have to accept the fact that he will NOT accept NC as something I need to do for me, because quite frankly, he really doesn't care what happens to ME, but I have to start caring.  Thanks again for the reminder.

[patientandclear]

Thank you, VitaminC, for reminding me of this article.  I've practically memorized it, , but appreciate the words again.  One of my major issues throughout this entire relationship has been my endless ability to be a "doormat" for him.  I am working in therapy on my codependency issues (although my T doesn't see me as codependent, just overly "nice" when it comes to him alone!).  I don't have trouble being assertive and "together" in any other areas of my life, but with my ex, different story.  I will have to accept the fact that he will NOT accept NC as something I need to do for me, because quite frankly, he really doesn't care what happens to ME, but I have to start caring.  Thanks again for the reminder.

The world will not end if he does not like or appreciate or immediately understand what you choose to do.

We learn the most from things we don't immediately understand, things that surprise us from the people we care about, things we have to chew on and things that change our perspective.  This is likely also true of the BPD guy in your life.

[married21years]

 

NC is not a punishment, it is a boundary. we will not allow ourselves to be abused or mistreated

with NC we learn to start focusing on ourselves and our issues 

 

[VitaminC]

I have been his lover/best friend/mother/whipping post/emotional crutch for the better part of a decade, and it hasn't helped him one bit.  So even if I look at it from his perspective, in the long run NC is probably best for him and well.  

That's a good and clear way of thinking about it, chillamom. Whatever you've been doing so far, hasn't helped either of you.

Now it's time to take care of yourself. NC is a good way to start doing it. If it happens to serve him as well, great, but you have no control over that at all.  If you have no power to "help" him, you also do not have any responsibility to help him.

But you do have the power, and the responsibility, to help yourself. 

[married21years]

  vitiaminc

nice post +1 

[VitaminC]

Thank you, Married! I am glad you agree

[drained1996]

" I just hope I have the strength to finally do it and even more, maintain it.  100% is a hard goal to hit... ."

Chillamom, I note you have expectations in your thoughts when you contemplate NC.  Try to think about NC with no expectations.  100% is a hard goal to hit... .one I would venture to say most of us didn't hit.  Entering into NC and then having some contact is not a disaster... .and if it happens you shouldn't be disappointed in yourself.
My journey had more than several periods of NC, some of which I broke, a good number which she broke.  It's all part of the process, and learning how to deal with and analyze each situation as they arise.  
I know you understand the goal of NC which is to provide YOU some space and perspective and ultimately begin your healing process.  Looking back, that's exactly what NC provided me, and though it was broken numerous times it was quickly reestablished by me for my own protection.  As time went along and the pitfalls were navigated, I felt ME emerging from the FOG.  Time and a sense of self preservation in the form of NC eventually allowed me to transform my thoughts to me and MY future... .a future without the hell our BPD's brought into our life.  
It's time Chillamom... .it's time... .because we all know YOU deserve to have YOU back.  
I can empathize directly with your feelings towards your BPD... .I want her to get better, and I thought by doing what you have done... .be there... .that I was helping.  My T flat out told me, yes, he could help her, but not with me in the picture.  I was as toxic to her, as she was to me.  I became a trigger, an enabler, he said I had to let her go in order to give her a fighting chance for some semblance of normalcy through DBT.
Honestly, one of the hardest decisions I'll probably ever have to make in life... .
But it was also one of the best decisions I've ever made... .even if it did take me way too long.  
I'm going to be happy damnit, because I deserve that... .and so do you! 

[lovenature]

[I have been his lover/best friend/mother/whipping post/emotional crutch for the better part of a decade, and it hasn't helped him one bit.]

Because a pwBPD makes up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment it also causes him more pain, but you are living in reality and seeing that the more you accept and try to help him, the more you are pushed away and hurt-far worse than deflecting the pain to your partner.

Know that unless he commits to years of therapy and you commit to extreme patience and applying the necessary tools to help the relationship, it will only cause more pain for both of you to stay in contact.