should a pwBPD be heald acountable

[married21years]

Hi All

should a person with BPD be held accountable or should it just be glossed over.

should their lies be exposed or should a light be shined on it and illuminated.

discuss

[gotbushels]

Hi married21years 

I do think each person in a perfect world would be held accountable for what they do. Such things are often left to God to unknot. 

Also in a perfect world, everyone can see lies from everyone else. Would it help you to see lies for what they are?

Do you have a specific situation in your mind?

[married21years]

hi GB

unfortunately for me i am an atheist, and in CODA. my higher power is my wifes grandmother .

the world is not perfect, i accept that.

i will expose the truth in my relationship. i will not cover things up anymore. 

but what do others think. 

[fromheeltoheal]

should a person with BPD be held accountable or should it just be glossed over.

It would depend on what the goal is M2Y.  It could be to inflict pain, or get revenge, or force a borderline into treatment, either because we have compassion for our exes or want to stop them from hurting anyone else, or to get validation for our version of what happened, or it could be to detach emotionally, find peace, and move forward.  So what's the goal?

[woundedPhoenix]

I think we as nons should try and uncover all the lies and deceit. Just for ourselves.
It hurts, yet it also opens our eyes to the truth.

a BPD can never really be held accountable.
whatever acts they commit, it's always because someone behaves in such a way that they only could do what they did.

In defense of her cheating, she said:
"you forced me to, you never gave me any attention"
while it was her actually that had been pushing away any attention and intimacy for over 2 years... .

In the end it's always someone else's fault.

[pjstock42]

I believe in karma so I think that all people will be held accountable for their actions at some point. In regards to my BPD ex, I would love for her to be held accountable for what she did to me but I also accept that it is not my responsibility to make this happen. I am just one in a line of many men whom she has screwed over and she will continue to do this because she can seemingly get away with it so easily. It does upset me that she could mess up my life so badly, emotionally traumatize me, take me for more than $3k in less than a month and just continue on with her life as if nothing happened but there is nothing I can do to stop this. Even the thought of attempting to make her own up for her actions doesn't entice me because it would require communicating with her and this is a losing proposition in itself.

married, in your case - I agree with heel. You say that you will expose the lies but I would ask in what manner you will do this and what is the end goal? I think many would caution that embarking on any venture to expose/reconcile things with your ex could be a suicide mission so just be careful. Your ex is not on a level playing field and you may have no idea the things she will do/say against you when confronted, even if your goal is righteous and noble in itself.

[married21years]

i was vilified and driven out of a small community by the lies.

i will release the truth and clear my name. 

then i will walk away!

[UnforgivenII]

Think well about it. They are masters of manipulation.
She has probably anticipated it.

My ex's friend told me I was obsessive and unable to manage my feelings. Married... .if only you would know me. I am the opposite of that and , given my job, I have TONS of people who can say who I am.
But his friend was convinced.

Do not give her another weapon to hurt you.

[married21years]

i have evidence in her own hand

[fromheeltoheal]

i was vilified and driven out of a small community by the lies.

i will release the truth and clear my name. 

then i will walk away!

So you want validation for your truth, is that the goal m2y?

[married21years]

not my truth the truth!

there have been denials about affairs whilst projecting onto me for years.

i will just release the evidence 

[Moselle]

Married21,

I went through a phase where I also felt that i needed to bring mine to book for the lies and deception. I'm glad I didn't. It wouldn't be perceived well by others and can actually be used against us as Unforgiven mentioned.

What are some ways to channel that energy towards a new endeavour? Is there something in your recovery that you are working towards at the moment?

I once heard someone say. "The best revenge is living a great life."

[fromheeltoheal]

not my truth the truth!

there have been denials about affairs whilst projecting onto me for years.

i will just release the evidence 

And what will that give you?

[married21years]

closure

shut the door burn the bridges and walk away 

[woundedPhoenix]

I went through a phase where I also felt that i needed to bring mine to book for the lies and deception. I'm glad I didn't. It wouldn't be perceived well by others and can actually be used against us as Unforgiven mentioned.
What are some ways to channel that energy towards a new endeavour? Is there something in your recovery that you are working towards at the moment?

I once heard someone say. "The best revenge is living a great life."

Well, personally, i can walk away with my integrity intact. I kept my end of the bargain. Was loyal and understanding and forgiving against all odds, and held up to my own values.

In retrospect, that's much more important to me then proving whatever fault there was on her end, i take my peace with just knowing whatever she tried to hide and the inextricable web of lies she spun to cover it all up.

[married21years]

Well, personally, i can walk away with my integrity intact. I kept my end of the bargain. Was loyal and understanding and forgiving against all odds, and held up to my own values.

and so did i, but she has convinced her flying monkeys i wasn't this is the lie i am correcting.

and she lied to my daughter.

the truth is the only way my daughter will get her family back, she hates the family because of the lies. the truth will fix this!

i may get hurt, but my daughter needs her family back!

[once removed]

how about the possibility that fighting fire with fire will reinforce her narrative to these people?

[Moselle]

In retrospect, that's much more important to me then proving whatever fault there was on her end, i take my peace with just knowing whatever she tried to hide and the inextricable web of lies she spun to cover it all up.

Well done Wounded. That is a very mature response. It takes courage not to behave in the same self defeating ways as a pwBPD. At the end of the day people notice.

Someone came up to me the other day and said. "Well done, just keep doing what you are doing (regarding my silence) in response to my ex's vicious lies" She said "people notice your integrity."

Sometimes we think that everyone believes their stories. It's not the case

[pjstock42]

I totally understanding wanting the truth to be made known to people and wanting to clear your name but I would just warn that by trying to accomplish this, you are putting yourself at risk for crazy-making behavior from her that may cause you to look even worse in the end. Do not underestimate the lengths that this person will go to in order to make you out to be the bad guy.

[fromheeltoheal]

closure

shut the door burn the bridges and walk away 

Closure is valid, many of us look for closure once these relationships end, and find giving it to ourselves ends up being more powerful.  Is there a way to get closure without the carnage m2y?

[married21years]

  unforgiven II

sorry cant post on your thread

Yesterday it was my birthday. My friends brought me to the Beach and gave me lots of presents and showered me with affection. I felt better and felt whole again for a while.
Then I get a whatsapp. It is from one of my colleagues , the one he flirted with just in front of me.
She even told me " you seem, you are sabotaging this relationship as you feel you are unworthy of love". What a fine psychologist.

She was happy for his attenzione. She is not my friend.
So she texts me :"How are you?" I could FEEL  the pity.
I ignored her. I do not care if she lives near me and I do not care if she will think I am the crazy one. She would think it anyway. My gutt feeling is that she is a flying monkey of his.

My friends gave me affection and presents. What did he vive to me? A flying monkey.
What a nice present.
The present I chose to give to myself is not checking the blblockecalls or  texts.
This is my gift for me.

but well done!

here for you. let him go and stop beating yourself up 

[enlighten me]

My take on this is dependant on how her lies affect you.

In my case Thmy ex wife and exgf painted me black to their friends. This has had no effect on me. The people who know me know its not true and those that dont dont matter. If however these lies started to have an effect I.e. I was harrassed in the street or it put a job in jeapordy then I would refute them.

The problem with trying to show people are crazy is that you run the risk of looking crazy. Dont turn it into a crusade. Present the facts and walk away. I did this in the court case im going through with my ex wife. The lengths she has gone to to show she doesnt have anything wrong with her have made her look even more crazy.

[married21years]

well done.

i lost my position as a volunteer firefighter, and medical first res-ponder.

i lost my daughter all my friends in the community, and was forced to leave the country and state again.

no one in our original country believes her BS

we emigrated and the new friends didn't know me and believed her lies.

i will present the facts and walk away! 

[hurting300]

ABSOLUTELY they should be held fully accountable for abuse and lies. In the American court of law Bpd or any other personality disorder can NOT be used as an insanity defense. It has been made clear by the numerous  psychologists someone with this disorder can and does know right from wrong. Ted Bundy had ASPD. Jodi Arias has BPD. They know exactly what they do.

[married21years]

ABSOLUTELY they should be held fully accountable for abuse and lies. In the American court of law Bpd or any other personality disorder can NOT be used as an insanity defense. It has been made clear by the numerous  psychologists someone with this disorder can and does know right from wrong. Ted Bundy had ASPD. Jodi Arias has BPD. They know exactly what they do.

thx thats what my therapist says. 

[hurting300]

ABSOLUTELY they should be held fully accountable for abuse and lies. In the American court of law Bpd or any other personality disorder can NOT be used as an insanity defense. It has been made clear by the numerous  psychologists someone with this disorder can and does know right from wrong. Ted Bundy had ASPD. Jodi Arias has BPD. They know exactly what they do.

thx thats what my therapist says. 

They are VERY good at pity parties. This is rock solid. If it's good enough for court it's good enough for me. When I finally found my daughter after my ex ran away, we had three psychology experts explain BPD to the Judge. Although the doctor that checked out the evidence seems to think she strong NPD. But they all said pwBPD know right from wrong but they choose to do wrong.

[gotbushels]

  married21years, one time, I decided to keep out of a huge drama scenario. It's not all flowery--I've regretted my not "taking action" choice from time to time. What made it even harder is that the "smarter" side of my support group thought I should have escalated to legal action with the drama choice.

Yes--if you take the peaceful option--you don't get sweet "revenge feelings".

If you're concerned about your tarnished reputation, know that I was too. But what I've found is that the people that matter in the long run will ask you about your truth. With these people, if you seek it, you can find trust with them again.

For the doubters, they will probably doubt you even more after you do your "release info". I'd consider that the people who can't see nearer to the truth aren't people you want to keep around you anyway. Don't stick with fools. Fools can't be counted on to put out fires or do CPR, so consider that you are allowed to care less about them.

  hurting300, for some people (custody / legal issues aside), the perks of a peaceful choice are that a couple of years later, you have a cleaner conscience. While you attended said "pity parties", you chose not to sit in the persecutor chair for the final "bash".

Have hope, it gets better. 

[steelwork]

It seems like this question was posed with a definite answer in mind ("yes", so now it remains to be said what it means to be held accountable.

Do you just mean you want to clear your name or something else?

Do you mean that your ex should make restitution in some way? How? Is that even possible? If so, can you make it happen?

Or do you mean revenge?

The term "held accountable" is slippery.

[married21years]

she will never make restitution.

all i can do is let the truth come out get closure and move on.

she will be a victim of her own actions, people other than i will decide what happens but she will not be allowed to continue to use them without having the facts.

she continues to this day pedaling her lies and slandering me. this will stop

[steelwork]

What does closure mean to you?