Idealization Phase time period

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I just read a post on this site stating that in his case the Idealization phase lasted for about 10 years and I was stunned from the amount of time it took in his case to start understanding there are trouble in Paradise

In my case it took about half a year when She got her first irrational rage episode, I really remember that moment since it as really crazy, like a different rude person took over my sweat hearth... .

So that made me wonder and ask you guys, How much it took in your life? I know every case has it own ticking clock but does 10 years sounds even possible?

Sorry if that topic was covered already

[TheSinister]

I just read a post on this site stating that in his case the Idealization phase lasted for about 10 years and I was stunned from the amount of time it took in his case to start understanding there are trouble in Paradise

In my case it took about half a year when She got her first irrational rage episode, I really remember that moment since it as really crazy, like a different rude person took over my sweat hearth... .

So that made me wonder and ask you guys, How much it took in your life? I know every case has it own ticking clock but does 10 years sounds even possible?

Sorry if that topic was covered already

[once removed]

things can get murky when we try to apply someone elses story to ours, or a one size fits all theory.

from the DSM V:

b. Intimacy: Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships, marked by mistrust, neediness, and anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment; close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal.

that pretty well nails it for me. there werent stages, we (and she) alternated in extremes for the duration of the relationship.

but all relationships move differently, and in most relationships, there is a honeymoon/idealization "stage" that differs for everyone.

how did it play out for you? when did things go bad? how did you respond?

[Icanteven]

So that made me wonder and ask you guys, How much it took in your life? I know every case has it own ticking clock but does 10 years sounds even possible?

Keeping in mind that anecdotal evidence isn't the best evidence, let me take a stab:

In my experience, there was always something that postponed the day of reckoning.  Six months into our relationship, I can now look back and realize I was starting to be devalued, only my then-girlfriend had a major falling out with her family, which caused me to be repainted solid white.  Then approximately six months later a new job caused her to have to move to a location where she knew no one, so another repaint.  Time passed, started to devalue, only I thought it was because I hadn't asked her to marry me yet even though I wanted to; we got engaged and I got another paint job.  Reunited after long distance?  Paint job.  New jobs?  Paint jobs.  Kids?  Paint jobs.  Marriage?  Paint job. 

The funny thing is I would never have used the term "devalue" to describe what was happening because my wife suffered from a mental illness that sometimes flared up (very briefly, we managed the hell out of it) and because I didn't even know what BPD was till after she ghosted.

What's even funnier?  There were no more postponements to kick the can, and the devaluation was quite literally overnight.  Every relationship is different, but it's a very thoughtful question because, yeah, a lot of these relationships make it a few months before imploding.  For those of us in long term relationships it's a little unnerving to wonder how we made it so long before the wheels came off, and at least in my case now that you've caused me to reflect, my wife and I ran so hard for so long with so many triangulating factors that it wasn't until we stopped to catch our breath and had nothing to triangulate against that the devaluation occurred. And, boy did it happen fast.

[pjstock42]

To confuse you even more with my own anecdotal experience... .My entire 1.5 year relationship with BPD ex was an idealization phase, literally right up until an hour before she discarded me with no warning. From reading around here, this isn't very typical but I guess it just goes to show you that there is definitely no defined time-frame around this phase and it will probably differ with each individual.

[SummerStorm]

There are a lot of factors, and I think a lot of it has to do with how intense the idealization is to begin with.

My BPD friend has a standard pattern of behavior, but based on the temperament and traits of her partner, idealization can last anywhere from a few weeks to a few months.  With the guy she dated for half of 2015, I started to see some cracks about a month or so in, when it seemed like she was stirring up conflict for seemingly no reason.  Then, she started idealizing me, and he really fell off the pedestal.  She then devalued me and idealized him again.  At the end of the day, her first discard of me came after five months of friendship (about two months of really strong idealization), and her breakup with him came after six months.  Things were really rough before the breakup, though.

Her main trigger is living together.  That's when it really starts to fall apart. 

She's been with the current guy for five months, with a breakup in the middle of that.  Three weeks ago, she told me she plans on marrying him.  This was while they were on vacation.  Since they got back, I've seen some subtle signs of devaluation.  She's moving in with him next month, so that makes sense.

[kc sunshine]

I first witnessed the rage at around 6 weeks, but we were still in the idealization phase, and she would come back quickly to me after raging (apologizing, etc).

Her first devalulation/discard of me happened at 9 months-- and she totally painted me black after the break up. Then we had a few more cycles of that. Ugh. 

[TheSinister]

Thanks a lot for your time and for sharing your experience .
I guess it's just chaotic and like mostly everything else that got to do with it.
 

[asphyx]

My idealization phase lasted around 6 months. Triggering her fear of intimacy caused the devaluation.

[kc sunshine]

This would be a good poll!

[woundedPhoenix]

For those of us in long term relationships it's a little unnerving to wonder how we made it so long before the wheels came off, and at least in my case now that you've caused me to reflect, my wife and I ran so hard for so long with so many triangulating factors that it wasn't until we stopped to catch our breath and had nothing to triangulate against that the devaluation occurred. And, boy did it happen fast.

I think this is the essense of really long term BPD r/s: Triangulations

We had 5 solid years together... .Or i thought so... .In her own words: "We weren't always as close, we just reconnected often".

And probably that is how these r/s hold on so long... .There is a low key push and pull going on, at a very slow pace, months of distancing, months of reconnecting.

Eg. my job provided a form of triangulation, where i had deadlines that went on for weeks and that provided a unvoluntary push in the r/s regularly.

She complained about this so often, and when i finally re-arranged my job, i thought things would go better... . but oh boy,  it's then when the devaluation occured and the triangulation with "other men" started.


So, in a crude way, to drag on these relationships, you actually have to use triangulations to keep the boat afloat, otherwise they will find some of their own, and the sort they use are much worse.

Eg. From the start of the relationship there was a triangle between her, me and her son. I liked the kid, but somehow there was always a conflict created around him, so i couldn't build a close connection to him. She used her own son as triangulation object... .and i didn't see it until the r/s was pretty much dead. Feel sorry for him.

[earlgrey]

Reunited after long distance?  Paint job.  New jobs?  Paint jobs.  Kids?  Paint jobs.  Marriage?  Paint job. 

Yeah! but what colour   

WE lasted pretty well about 3 years... .keeping separate homes, keeping our respective kids pretty separate, and having plenty of 1 on 1 time.

Birth of our D (year 3) things went funny.

Then (reading above) started all sorts of triangulations which made for a real chaotic situation. We now had 3 kids (ages 1,8,9), lived together and little three-somes would be created and cause of all sorts of fights and jealousies.

I understood NOTHING, and proabably didn't help things. I put it down (at the time) to post natal depression/stress... .and just carried on.

But nothing ever returned to 'normal', good ways. It was like permacloud, never a ray of sunshine... .right the way through to the detatching board.