Letting go of the love of my life?

[Icanteven]

She wants you in her life; she does not want the old role... .  Maybe we can help walk alongside you here and think through this together. 

Any and all help is welcome.  Part of what make this hard for me is the therapists I work with and my friends and my family and the psychologists and psychiatrists only touch parts of the elephant.  For years I asked her to do more than maintain her medication regimen, because the meds alone seemed to work for a while but they would get changed as their efficacy seemed to diminish; I can't remember her being on the same regimen for longer than a year before things had to be tweaked or wholesale mixed up.  I just thought it was the doctors trying to get their arms around what was going on, as she had only been diagnosed around the time we started dating.  Years and years later, the medication tweaks began to occur every few months and the number of meds she was on when we first started dating versus the the meds she was on when she left had literally quadrupled.

It seems crystal clear, in retrospect, that the reason the meds didn't seem to do their job was because it wasn't just a mood disorder, hence being on these boards.  And, the irony is, once she got into psychotherapy, she decompensated in a matter of months to the point that picked up numerous new official diagnoses, though as we've covered (and I don't know; she may be diagnosed and not have told me), her therapists and psychiatrist danced all around saying "borderline" without actually writing it in the chart (as an aside, there's another diagnosis they told me straight up they didn't want to write in the chart, so it wouldn't be the first time).  At least here I've got a huge community of folks who've dealt with this from both the clinical and the relationship side.

All I know is that I'm burnt out.  I want to fight the good fight and save my marriage because I love my wife, as her husband it's important to me that she knows she can count on me always, and for our children to know that mom being sick doesn't mean dad left them and ergo if they get sick... .  But I'm exhausted.  Truly, deeply exhausted.

For my health and well-being I really need to take a break, but I'm afraid that will push her all the way out the door.  So I feel stuck.  But I'm really at a place where I have to save my health for my kids and myself and if that means losing her it means losing her.  As my handle suggests, I cant' even do this any more.  I want to, but I'm wasted.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Icanteven]

In retrospect, the title of my first post was pretty darn on point.

I can't help her.  I can't fix her.  I can't do anything but put pressure on her via trying to engage her as a wife and mother. All I can do is let go.  I told her as much today, and her last words to me were "I love you my husband." I'm about as low as I've felt in this process, at least beyond the initial 72 hours after she left, but it's a different kind of low.  Almost like a death I'm coming to grips with?

It's hard to believe, but both of us today feel like therapy blew up our marriage, in that the therapy she's been going through unlocked all the demons she had held at bay for so many years.  And, if she successfully beats those demons, she won't be the woman I fell in love with.  But, what kinda just makes me dance on the edge of sanity, is that she lumps our entire family into her thinking that we're all part of a past she'd rather not be associated with any more.

The good news is I've got tons of family to help me raise our children and that her family is finally realizing just how damaged their daughter is and getting more and more involved in the kids's lives.  Now, maybe dad can get emotionally healthy.

I never wanted to rescue my wife.  She didn't need to be rescued throughout almost all of our relationship.  But, when she decompensated, that was the end of us.  Just hope she gets better.

This is Ripley... .signing off [of this thread].

[Icanteven]

Just because... .

Father's Day came and went without so much as a text message.  Granted, Father's Day the last few years had become more and more marginalized. but to get two dozen texts from friends and family, have Facebook blow out, get all the phone calls, etc, for my own wife not to even contact me was really kind of heartbreaking, especially as I had made it a huge point to reach out on Mother's Day.

My family. my friends, even some of her friends and family all chalk it up the illnesses, but as I sat on my T's couch last night, T was the first and only person IRL to validate what is a very real emotion for me:  Great, there is a name for why my wife is so emotionally dysregulated; why the meds had to be changed and never really worked for very long; why she did what she did.  But, that is incredibly cold comfort, because in the end, it hurts just as much no matter what the reasons.  So she's incredibly ill.  So what?  :)oes it take away the profound sense of loss I feel or the almost dissociative experience of giving the children baths and putting them to bed and realizing she's not there and will never be there again?

It didn't help that my T consistently tells me that if I truly, truly love my wife I will let her go.  I have let her go!  What choice do I have?  But am I selfish for not wanting to do so?  If I had a choice and chose not to would that mean I didn't love her?

Sorry to vent, but I feel very stuck in this acceptance phase.  It hurts like a motherf*cker and to go from hoping the phone will ring to wondering why it's not ringing to accepting that it will be a surprise if it ever does has been a descent into hell.  

[livednlearned]

It hurts just as much no matter what the reasons. Amen to that.

I'm so sorry she could not acknowledge you on Father's Day, I know that had to hurt. My son's father (not in our lives anymore) sent a Happy Father's Day message to my son  :'( These are complex and painful relationships, and the pain (no matter the reasons) can often be shrouded in confusion.

I held in my feelings and did my son a disservice. My intentions were to keep us stable and I can see now that I masked my emotions and made S14 feel somewhat alone in his own despair. He dealt with having too much empathy by turning off the faucet and now he struggles to feel anything for his dad at all.

It's good that your T validates your pain and anger. It is a disorder based on fear of abandonment, and yet we ourselves are left abandoned. 

If it helps, I have not found that the acceptance phase is a phase at all. It is not linear and sometimes it is during the normalcy of daily life, the small everyday parenting moments, that can hurt the hardest, often out of nowhere with a force I can only assume is equal to the strength of the attachment I felt for someone who could not abide us, or himself for that matter.

Anger is often a part of grieving and you have to lean into it and go through it to heal it.

[Zinnia21]

I've got to tell you, nothing hurts more than this kind of BPD relationship push and pull. Ive been through various different relationship scenarios in my life, but never experienced anything so mind boggling and painful as relationship / breakup with a BPD sufferer. And he's not even diagnosed, but I just know that's what it is.

I completely empathise with your quest of love for her, I'm like that too with my ex or partner... .or whatever he is right now... ? He can come or go at any moment that a meltdown strikes. At least you might be free of this awful behaviour now.

The fact you are married and wanting to whole heartedly stick to your vows I can totally understand. I am so familiar with that feeling of wondering if the phone will ring. It's quietly nerve racking. You go to dinner with friends and nod and smile, all the while feeling this underlying pain.

I'm still yet to experience what it's like to free myself from this scenario and ongoing draining pain, but I hear it's truly possible, with time. Doesn't seem like it when you're going through it though. I nearly broke away, but fell back in... .kinda regret it, it's a total up hill battle... .

You sound like a great person, and sounds like you've tried all that you can. If you focus even just a bit of that love you want to give to her on yourself instead, and credit yourself for being so caring, and try to break away and really look after yourself for a while, I hope you will feel a bit better.

How can a loving and balanced person ever make sense of BPD or conquer their demons for them... ? You're facing the hardest part, but believe in yourself and push through. Even if something shifted and got better with her at all one day, it sounds like it won't happen by waiting in the wings. Sounds like you know this and are trying to accept it, I admire you for trying. Keep at it the best you can.

[Zinnia21]

... .also, I feel for you in those parenting moments. It really hits home in those moments. Total hell.

I hope you can free yourself, even if just for a while. You never know what the future holds... .

No one understands this until they go through it, ie- what it's like to love someone deeply who has a mental illness / disorder. Good on you for sharing your story and remember you're not alone. So many on this site and elsewhere feeling the same kind of heart ache. Keep at it with no contact for a while and create a healing space for yourself within that if you can. Sounds like she'd only respond to total space, if anything at all... .

[Icanteven]

I feel selfish.

Six weeks of next to no contact broken only by a handful of very brief conversations there was simply no way to avoid, the second to last of which ended with her unable to continue the call because she had become so emotionally dysregulated.

Monday I had to call her because our insurance company was giving us a hard time about some of our benefits (hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills tend to get you on the radar, shockingly) and I needed some clarification about a specific service.  But when I called, my wife sounded lucid and as clear headed as she has since before she went out on disability.  It was like getting in a time machine.  She was pleasant.  She was kind.  She was even a little flirty.  We talked about all kinds of things and I looked down and it had been 45 minutes of the old days.  But it was one day, so, whatever, right?

I called the insurance company, called her treatment center, thought I had it all squared away, then had the insurance call me with even more questions yesterday afternoon, which necessitated yet another call.  Again, she was clear headed and rational and sweet.  And, since it had been a while since I had broached the subject, I (foolishly?) sensed the opportunity to take her pulse about coming home.

ICE: You sound great  Are you ready to get back to your life yet?
Wife: I feel better but my program is really hard. I need more time
I: We're not going anywhere
W: You should
I: Why?  You're my wife; why wouldn't I wait for you?
W: Because I'm not coming home.  You think we can reconcile but we clearly see the world very differently
I: I don't want to invalidate your reasons for leaving, but I have yet to hear you articulate what they were
W: That's because you never listen to me
I: I'm sorry I didn't listen to you closely.  I'm listening now
W: I'm not doing this again
I: So, I don't remember ever hearing your reasons or even getting a hint as to what they were, and you're not going to tell me because I didn't hear reasons I don't remember you ever telling me?
W:  This is how we see the world so differently.  Move on with your life; I'm sure there are lots of women out there to make you happy who you won't have to deal with them being sick like me
I:  Just so I've got this straight, you're walking out on your family, abandoning your children, failing to honor our marriage vows, and encouraging me to see other people because you're sick and I don't listen? There's no hope for reuniting our family?
W: My choice that's what I want [hangs up]

I feel selfish because on the one hand she sounds very matter of fact, no longer labile, no longer in tears or dissociating, and like a very normal, even keel person.  Her getting well was all I wanted.  Only her being well apparently means she's only hardened her resolve to move on with her life.  And, her external behaviors - she's moving to a new time zone when her program ends, she's cut her hair and gone back to her natural color, she's applying for jobs in a completely different industry, and she's completely excised our family from her IG, FB, Twitter, and Pinterest accounts - suggests that's exactly what she's going to do.

She's getting significantly better.  I just hoped getting better would spark an interest in her family. It didn't.  I'm happy all that therapy is finally working.  I'd already started to detach heavily and move on with my life, but I had held out a spark of hope she would have a realization that there are three people who love her to pieces who just want her to come home, and that's not going to ever happen.

[Icanteven]

I: I don't want to invalidate your reasons for leaving, but I have yet to hear you articulate what they were

Just to clarify, I know exactly why she left:  her life was a lie and everything was a facade, and being with me was reaction-formation to her youth as a wild child. 

What I have yet to hear is why we can't reconcile.  So, the above is a misstatement from our conversation; I have yet to hear why we can't reconcile, not why she left.  Sorry.

[Meili]

W: Because I'm not coming home.  You think we can reconcile but we clearly see the world very differently
I: I don't want to invalidate your reasons for leaving, but I have yet to hear you articulate what they were
W: That's because you never listen to me
I: I'm sorry I didn't listen to you closely.  I'm listening now
W: I'm not doing this again
I: So, I don't remember ever hearing your reasons or even getting a hint as to what they were, and you're not going to tell me because I didn't hear reasons I don't remember you ever telling me?
W:  This is how we see the world so differently.  Move on with your life; I'm sure there are lots of women out there to make you happy who you won't have to deal with them being sick like me
I:  Just so I've got this straight, you're walking out on your family, abandoning your children, failing to honor our marriage vows, and encouraging me to see other people because you're sick and I don't listen? There's no hope for reuniting our family?
W: My choice that's what I want [hangs up]

I know that sitting on this side of a computer screen and not living your struggle, it's fairly easy see things differently. I think that you missed a good opportunity here though.

What she told you is that you and her see the world differently. I can't see anything in the exchange as you posted it that shows that you actually listened to what she was telling you though. Was there something left out of the discuss as posted here?

[Icanteven]

What she told you is that you and her see the world differently. I can't see anything in the exchange as you posted it that shows that you actually listened to what she was telling you though. Was there something left out of the discuss as posted here?

It was a long conversation, so I omitted quite a bit, but "tell me why you think that," "how do we see the world differently," "what could I do to understand the way you see the world," and various pleas to have her help me understand her were ignored or the conversation shifted gears.  Also, the "go out with other women" quip was met with "is that what you really want" and met with total silence.  I take for granted all the missing gaps in these conversations because they generally go the same way: namely, me trying to understand her point of view and giving her the chance to articulate it.  Which hardly ever happens.

By way of example, the last time we had this conversation, I felt like she was on the precipice of explaining why we couldn't reconcile.  I looked down at my phone, mentally marked the time, and said to her, "tell me why we can't; I won't argue and I won't interrupt but I need to hear in your voice why you believe our marriage and our family isn't worth saving."  I'm not exaggerating when I say that over four minutes of silence passed, which was interrupted only by another phone call that she heard the clicks for and asked if I needed to take, to which I replied no, which resulted in her responding "take the call I don't want to talk about this."

I've been waiting for months to hear any sort of explanation as to why we can't reconcile.  I've given her all the opportunities in the world.  She can't because the reason appears to be she just doesn't want to.  

I appreciate that there's probably a lot of glossing over and omissions in these stories, but have I articulated that I am trying to hear her or does it sound like I'm missing the point or not understanding your question, because any and all constructive criticism is welcome.

[Meili]

Thank you very much for the clarification. That really helps me understand the dynamic better.

None of us really have any way of know what is truly going on, but most often, feelings = facts to a pwBPD. So, if it is just her feelings that causing her to tell you that she doesn't believe that there is a chance at reconciliation, that becomes a fact to her.

When you combine that with pwBPD tend to avoid their feelings (raging, projection, etc. are often the result), it may be really hard for her to articulate what is going on. I would hope that after therapy that she'd be better able to handle things like that, but maybe she just isn't ready to handle this one quite yet.

Maybe you've already covered this elsewhere and I missed it, but what do you think would happen if you stopped pushing for an answer?

[Icanteven]

Maybe you've already covered this elsewhere and I missed it, but what do you think would happen if you stopped pushing for an answer?

I had stopped.  The last time we had the conversation was maybe the middle of June?  I don't know it's a little foggy but it had been a while.  Only with her being so regulated I figured I'd take a stab.

Another part of the conversation I omitted was expressing my concern that there might come a day when she is really, truly well (I very candidly acknowledge that it's much easier to stay emotionally regulated when you've only got to worry about therapy and not your husband and children and job, which I'm almost certain would be a recipe for failure to launch out of the program), but that she would find herself in a room that no longer had a door.  She had no response to this, only the silent acknowledgement that it was a possibility.

And maybe that's it:  maybe she's willing to gamble on a future in which there is no door to walk through versus being conditioned all these years that her husband loves her and will stand with her through anything and that even if there isn't a door he will make one.

Conversations like these are invaluable in making connections.

[Meili]

She also may not know what she's willing to gamble on.

So, where are you at today and what is your plan for you and the kids?

[Icanteven]

She also may not know what she's willing to gamble on.

It's an excellent point.  I really felt for months like "if you don't like how she feels today wait till tomorrow." 

So, where are you at today and what is your plan for you and the kids?

The attorneys are involved now and we've put a lot of protections in place to ensure everything is handled on the legal front.  Honestly, I can't afford to do anything but work and be a dad right now, and those are my only two priorities in life.