Ex said he’ll kill himself

[justnothing]

Back when I used to come here I barely mentioned my BPD ex (except for a couple of posts) because for the most part my relationship with him for the past several years had been amicable with relatively little drama… He lives in Canada and it was an online relationship that only lasted for two months at the time about 5 years ago and we’ve been just friends ever since. For the most part we exchanged messages via PM (on another forum) but sometimes he’d also call me on the weekends and we’d chat for a while on the phone.

Anyway, I didn’t tell him this, but for a long, long time I’d been getting close to another online friend and it developed into more than just friendship and I eventually decided to go visit him in his country. Needless to say I was extremely reluctant to let my ex know about this but then he called me on the weekend before the trip and it was clear that he intended to call me the following week (when I wasn’t going to be in the country… and I figured there was a good chance he’d freak out when he couldn’t reach me) so I “confessed” about my relationship with the other guy and that I was going to visit him. At first my ex seemed to take this very well and said that he understood and was happy for me that I finally have someone in my life and that he was only somewhat disappointed that I hadn’t told him earlier but that given his history it was understandable and that was that.

So anyway, thinking that everything was fine with my ex, I went on the visit and it was wonderful. Then I came back and during the weekend I called me ex (I’d seen that there were two deleted PMs from him and I got a tad bit worried) and he told me that he’d been extremely suicidal and that it was because I hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him about my relationship and that it was so bad he tried to get psychiatric help and they put him on a waiting list and gave him psychiatric drugs in the meantime. Then the following Monday I’d gotten a PM from him implying that he was going to kill himself and I called the local police station in his part of Canada. Later on when I was able to reach him he said that there was no point in calling the police because he could just “get rid of them” in 5 minutes anyway but during the conversation he didn’t seem like he wanted to kill himself anymore.

The following day he sent me a PM saying that all he wanted was for me to be “more honest” with him and that he was only hurt that I hadn’t told him a while back about when I started having feelings for the other guy and when I was thinking of visiting him. He said it was a trigger for him because back when his ex was cheating on him he tried confronting her and when she denied it he felt so guilty that he bought her a car… and then later found out the truth and felt stupid for having done that. Then he wrote that he just “wanted to get to know the guy” and for me to give him more information about him and my relationship with him.

Now the thing is… I had fallen for that trap with my mother way to many times to fall for it again… so I wrote him back that me giving him information about my bf and/or our relationship was  out of the question. I told him about how my mother used to always ask information about the people in my life and would later on use whatever bit of info she’d get to sabotage those relationships. I pointed out that this was something she’d do subconsciously, without realizing it and that I didn’t blame her and loved her anyway but that she never the less ruined my life that way. I told him that this is why I needed to set a boundary (and yes, I used the term boundary) where I wouldn’t give him this info and that a boundary isn’t a rejection even if it feels like one. I also started the message by pointing out that the difference between me and his ex-wife is that he and I are not in an intimate relationship and I’m not cheating on him by going with somebody else and I don’t owe him information about it either. I also said that despite all this I’m still his friend and still want to be supportive of him if he still wants me to.

So… he didn’t respond to this for a couple of days and today (8 hours after he sent it) I got a PM from him with a single line: “I hear get lost so I’m done. Gun in my mouth so no turning back”. I tried calling him but no answer. I called the police in his area again and they said they’d send a car.

Idk what to do or think right now. He said it’s because I hadn’t been honest enough but right now I really wish I hadn’t been honest at all. If I had known this was how he’d react I’d have invented some elaborate lie about why I wasn’t going to be home that weekend or… I don’t know what… As unstable as he may be he was my friend for a very long time and I don’t want him to die…

[drained1996]

justnothing,

In reading through your post I see how caring and thoughtful you are when it comes to your friend.  I see nothing anyone in your position would or should have done any differently.  I say that to validate your actions, your thoughts, and your feelings... .as there was absolutely nothing wrong with anything. 
You've done absolutely all you can concerning your friend and his suicidal ideations.
I also feel your pain when it comes to the obligation you have towards protecting his feelings.  Is this a burden that should come with true friendship?
Would a true friend place your feelings into the wringer of feeling like they are taking their life because of your actions?
Is this relationship healthy for you?
I'll reiterate, you've done absolutely nothing wrong, in fact, it seems you've done everything you can to be sensitive and delicate towards your friend.  Now might be a good time to look and see what YOU are actually getting in return from this relationship. 
I look forward to hearing your thoughts and in keeping up with your situation.   

[heartandwhole]

justnothing,

I'm very sorry to hear this. What a harrowing situation to be in; I know I'd be so worried and upset.

I echo     drained1996 that you have done everything right by contacting the authorities to check on him. You obviously care very much, and I hope he feels that. It does sound like he needs lots of support and therapeutic care right now.

I completely understand your rethinking being honest with him. On the other hand, you can't protect him from reality and could even enable his insecurities if you shield him too much. It's not your job to keep him from hurting; he has to learn to manage his feelings himself. Hopefully with the increased support he is now getting (or going to get), he will make strides in that direction.

How are you holding up, justnothing? We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

[justnothing]

Thank you for your support.

I called their local police again and apparently he did it.

[heartandwhole]

Oh no, justnothing, I'm so very sorry.   it sounds like it hasn't been confirmed; is there any hope?

Do you have a friend or family member you can call for support right now? This is a terrible blow. 

heartandwhole

[justnothing]

Thank you.

It’s confirmed, there is no hope.

Yeah, I have people to talk to, thank you.

You know, the irony about all this is that up until now I’d never really, fully understood why people advised against making friends with people who are that disordered. I mean I understood in a kind of superficial way and I always knew that it was possible that some or another of my friends might kill themselves… but up until now I never really got it.

A big part of why I only remained friends with him for years was because I felt like he needed me, because he didn’t really have any other friends. And maybe I also kind of needed him because I don’t have a lot of friends. If I had known that this is how it was going to turn out I would have just slowly disengaged with him years ago. I just didn’t realize that this is how it was going to turn out.

[heartandwhole]

No, you couldn't know that, justnothing. And you really were there for him. It's tragic when no amount of support seems to help.

You have my heartfelt condolences 

heartandwhole

[justnothing]

Thank you again.

I have to admit, as selfish as it may sound, right now my main concern is where my mind could end up going with this and I wish I could just skip the whole grief process and just not go through it at all. I feel like crap for wishing that I could just skip the grief process but I still do.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry justnothing.  Regardless of how unclose you'd been lately, it's hard.

right now my main concern is where my mind could end up going with this

I was wondering the same thing.  Are you feeling any blame, responsibility or guilt?

[drained1996]

justnothing,

My heart goes out to you at this time.  Feel the hugs coming to you from us.  We are here for support anytime.   

[Turkish]

It's tragic when no amount of support seems to help.

It is. And no matter the distance emotionally (near or far... .and he drew you in at the end), this is a very heavy thing to deal with, something you shouldn't have to deal with alone. Do you think that at some point you might reach out to someone locally for support? We will all be here for you, of course, but sometimes talking to someone live is better. You might be feeling all sorts of emotions, maybe from guilt to detachment or anything in-between, but I agree that you did what you could do and the right thing. Maybe something here can help:

In the short term, that is in the first weeks and months of your bereavement, you may need any or all of the following: to see that what you feel is normal; to get support; to learn more about suicide; to gain insight into your loss; and to minimize your risk of adverse grief reactions. You are probably asking yourself, how can what you feel possibly be considered “normal”? It is what happened to you and the one that you lost that is abnormal. Suicide is the most abnormal death; suicide loss is the most abnormal loss. Your emotional response to them is perfectly normal.

Whatever you are feeling is normal for a situation that is anything but.

Turkish

[justnothing]

I'm sorry justnothing.  Regardless of how unclose you'd been lately, it's hard.

right now my main concern is where my mind could end up going with this

I was wondering the same thing.  Are you feeling any blame, responsibility or guilt?

Well he and I hadn’t been unclose lately. We’d been chatting on the phone and so on once a week.

As for how I’m feeling… I’m trying not to feel guilty or responsible but the idea that I am keeps floating up in my mind.

Ironically the idea that someday someone I cared about might kill himself because of me had always been a fear of mine because of all the times my mother said she’d kill herself because of me.

Other than that I’m a tad bit worried about how/if this’ll affect… well… let’s just say that another thing she always used to do was make me feel guilty about loving other people… and I started feeling guilty about loving my new bf even before… when my ex first started talking about suicide because of this.

justnothing,

My heart goes out to you at this time.  Feel the hugs coming to you from us.  We are here for support anytime.   

Thank you very much.

Normal folks like you guys are great. I wish I were better at making friends with healthy people.

It's tragic when no amount of support seems to help.

It is. And no matter the distance emotionally (near or far... .and he drew you in at the end), this is a very heavy thing to deal with, something you shouldn't have to deal with alone. Do you think that at some point you might reach out to someone locally for support? We will all be here for you, of course, but sometimes talking to someone live is better. You might be feeling all sorts of emotions, maybe from guilt to detachment or anything in-between, but I agree that you did what you could do and the right thing. Maybe something here can help:

In the short term, that is in the first weeks and months of your bereavement, you may need any or all of the following: to see that what you feel is normal; to get support; to learn more about suicide; to gain insight into your loss; and to minimize your risk of adverse grief reactions. You are probably asking yourself, how can what you feel possibly be considered “normal”? It is what happened to you and the one that you lost that is abnormal. Suicide is the most abnormal death; suicide loss is the most abnormal loss. Your emotional response to them is perfectly normal.

Whatever you are feeling is normal for a situation that is anything but.

Turkish

Thank you. I’m afraid I don’t really have anyone local to talk to atm. I’m not very good at getting close to people. I appreciate you letting me know that anything I’m feeling is normal. Right now I’m kind of afraid of being swept away by my feelings and I wish I could just make them go away.

[Meadowslark]

Many, many hugs for you, justnothing. 

Internet friends and internet support is as real as seeing someone face-to-face. We're here to support you in any way we can during this difficult time.

[justnothing]

Many, many hugs for you, justnothing.  

Internet friends and internet support is as real as seeing someone face-to-face. We're here to support you in any way we can during this difficult time.

Thank you very much 

[drained1996]

"Ironically the idea that someday someone I cared about might kill himself because of me had always been a fear of mine"

To be clear, that fear was not met today.  Your friend took his life because he suffered from a mental illness... .an illness which was not your fault.  I know that may be tough to see right now, but you had no fault in his actions.  Hug yourself and love yourself as you did the best anyone could for him... .you were his friend. 
We are no less real because this is the internet, all of us here share your pain and sorrow.  We are here anytime.   

[Harri]

Hi justnothing.  I am so sorry.  Please do keep posting here and talk to others about your feelings.  Don't shut them down.

I've been thinking about you a lot of the last couple of months (we had a couple of convos on the coping board) and you were already in my prayers.  I will keep you there.  Wish we could have coffee and talk or maybe just sit together.   

[chillamom]

just nothing, I'm so terribly sorry to hear this; I think you are going through something that many of us so deeply fear could happen.  It seems you don't feel like you have a lot of in-person support at this time, and that is terribly difficult.  The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has a hotline that is also for people like yourself who are survivors of a person's suicide as well.  Here is the number:1-800-273-TALK (8255).  Again, I am so very sorry to hear of this profoundly sad situation.

[justnothing]

"Ironically the idea that someday someone I cared about might kill himself because of me had always been a fear of mine"

To be clear, that fear was not met today.  Your friend took his life because he suffered from a mental illness... .an illness which was not your fault.  I know that may be tough to see right now, but you had no fault in his actions.  Hug yourself and love yourself as you did the best anyone could for him... .you were his friend. 
We are no less real because this is the internet, all of us here share your pain and sorrow.  We are here anytime.   

Thank you. That means a lot to me. Right now I keep thinking every now and then that maybe I did him a disfavor by being his friend and that maybe he’d have been better off if I had stayed away right from the start… but idk about that because ironically when we first met it was when I was trying to talk him out of suicide.

Hi justnothing.  I am so sorry.  Please do keep posting here and talk to others about your feelings.  Don't shut them down.

I've been thinking about you a lot of the last couple of months (we had a couple of convos on the coping board) and you were already in my prayers.  I will keep you there.  Wish we could have coffee and talk or maybe just sit together.   

Hi Harri,

Sorry I hadn’t posted in a long while it’s just that I didn’t really have anything to say (things had been going well… up until now…) and I guess you could say when I don’t need anything and don’t think anyone needs me I kind of assume that me being around people is redundant, most of the time.

As for my feelings… I’d kind of like the bury them if I can… unless that could cause long term problems then maybe not. Last night I was talking to someone online about it and it occurred to me that my ex isn’t suffering and isn’t in any pain right now and somehow that thought is actually very helpful, even though I wish very much that he could have had more and done more during his life.

just nothing, I'm so terribly sorry to hear this; I think you are going through something that many of us so deeply fear could happen.  It seems you don't feel like you have a lot of in-person support at this time, and that is terribly difficult.  The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention has a hotline that is also for people like yourself who are survivors of a person's suicide as well.  Here is the number:1-800-273-TALK (8255).  Again, I am so very sorry to hear of this profoundly sad situation.

Thank you. I could be wrong but I think it’s actually easier today than it was yesterday. I may not have people that I can talk to in person but I do have people that I can talk to online and that’s always been about the same for me.
Thank you also for the hotline number but I’m actually not in the US… but I do know a number of a local hotline in my area, so you don’t have to worry about that.