Confused again...thought I moved on then got this.. Help

[Confused99]

2 months no contact.  After a failed relationship, marriage, recycle, recycle.  7 years. Started with a hello how are you.  Then let's get a drink.  Then last night I got this?   It's hard.  I want to respond but know I could get crushed again like the 10 previous times.  Anyone been in this situation

My friend got engaged on the beach.  Made me think of us! I hope all is well, I truly do. I am sure it is. Just thinking of you and hope you are having a great summer. I would be open to being friends. We spent a good chunk of our lives together.

[gotbushels]

Hi Confused99 

No contact is hard. You'll find support here. 

Well done on two months. Going through a failed relationship with many recycles over 7 years of course is difficult and frustrating.

Many of my recycles were very "hello how are you" then "let's get a drink". I too had a handful of recycles. I had more than 10.

You're not alone with these sorts of odd conversations. It was really hard for me, I couldn't sleep for a few days.

[thisagain]

Hi Confused (again!),

7 years is a long time! With two months NC, I'd imagine you're just starting to feel like you're putting things back together. Hang in there 

If you didn't have the history of his BPD traits feeding an extremely unhealthy dynamic in your relationship, this would be a pretty sweet and well-intentioned message. That's why it's so confusing. The rational part of us knows that they haven't become harmless and reasonable overnight (or in two months). And we know they aren't actually capable of being friends and honoring the time we spent together... .but it sounds so nice!

Is this basically how the previous recycles started as well?

[Confused99]

Hi Confused (again!),

7 years is a long time! With two months NC, I'd imagine you're just starting to feel like you're putting things back together. Hang in there  

If you didn't have the history of his BPD traits feeding an extremely unhealthy dynamic in your relationship, this would be a pretty sweet and well-intentioned message. That's why it's so confusing. The rational part of us knows that they haven't become harmless and reasonable overnight (or in two months). And we know they aren't actually capable of being friends and honoring the time we spent together... .but it sounds so nice!

Is this basically how the previous recycles started as well?

Yes exactly.  The pattern has been nasty and mean, then when that doesn't work she has something really important to tell me, then when that doesn't work sweet and nice.   Then repeat.   Over and over.  Your right.  I struggle because a normal girl I would think aw ok maybe I can respond.  But with her I have in the past and got "I didn't say get back together I wanted to be friends to tell you I met the man of my dreams and he's everything you weren't".  Such a wild card.  

And I am in such a good relationship now.  Been 6-8 months.  Still she draws me back with this

[Lucky Jim]

And I am in such a good relationship now.  Been 6-8 months.  Still she draws me back with this

Hey confused, If you are in a new r/s that is going well, what draws you back in?  It seems like a pattern that you recognize.  Why would you want to re-engage?  What's the point?

LuckyJim

[Confused99]

And I am in such a good relationship now.  Been 6-8 months.  Still she draws me back with this

Hey confused, If you are in a new r/s that is going well, what draws you back in?  It seems like a pattern that you recognize.  Why would you want to re-engage?  What's the point?

LuckyJim

I think just the history we had.  And believing she could change.  I know it's the wrong mindset

[chillamom]

Confused99, I hear you on the history.  8 years for me, and the past is a powerful draw.  I allowed myself to be charmed back in last November after a 6 month breakup, and now I know that I have to be vigilant or it could easily happen again, especially when the request seems so "normal" and "friendly". I don't like the thought of having to be emotionally guarded for the forseeable future, but for myself, I believe it's necessary.  Maybe think about how re-contacting your ex could affect your current partner?  I don't know, but perhaps the "new person" would be hurt by a potential friendship, even if it was completely innocent on your part?  I think it's time to re-write the history books for a lot of us, but damn, it's hard.

[Lucky Jim]

Well, presumably the history includes the reason why you parted ways.  Believing that she could change requires a mental leap that may be unwarranted.  Whether this is the right or wrong mindset strikes me as immaterial, because for some reason your Ex has gotten your attention.  What makes you think contact w/her could lead to a different result?

LuckyJim

[Confused99]

Confused99, I hear you on the history.  8 years for me, and the past is a powerful draw.  I allowed myself to be charmed back in last November after a 6 month breakup, and now I know that I have to be vigilant or it could easily happen again, especially when the request seems so "normal" and "friendly". I don't like the thought of having to be emotionally guarded for the forseeable future, but for myself, I believe it's necessary.  Maybe think about how re-contacting your ex could affect your current partner?  I don't know, but perhaps the "new person" would be hurt by a potential friendship, even if it was completely innocent on your part?  I think it's time to re-write the history books for a lot of us, but damn, it's hard.

Yes part of me used to like the contact because it meant she was thinking about me and somehow they felt good.  Now as I keep ignoring I worry I guess that I will lose her forever.  Which is what I want.  Just the draw was so strong my mind doesn't catch up.   I took her back after a affair.  And then again. I need to stop worrying about her I guess just so damn hard.  It's like what if this time it worked.  But I know that's impossible. 

[chillamom]

Confused99, I feel similarly.  I hate to admit it but I would like to think that our time together was "unforgettable" in some way, and even though logically I want him to move on (and I would like to eventually as well) I can't turn off my feelings for him and it's gratifying to see that he wants to remain connected, even though I hate it as well.  I despise my apparent ambivalence, and am afraid that unless I block him completely I'll find myself recycled again.  I simply cant let that happen, and neither can you!  I have to keep reminding myself like so many say - this never was a "normal relationship" and we can't expect any type of "normal" interaction going forward.  I mean, I can sit at my kitchen table and joke around quite companionably on occasion with my NORMAL ex-husband and it's comfortable and sane, but a casual friendship with my exBPDbf will never be.  We have to remind myself that time typically doesn't change their outlook on the world, and we need to protect our heart, because I think they will always be vulnerable to their dubious "charms".

[Confused99]

Chillamon you are correct.   Thank you.  She has a relationship and ends around the 3 month mark every time.  The last 2 have ended with restraining orders against the guy.  You want to beleive the good times can happen again but after so much crap, fights, broken stuff all over, cops, threats, and cheating sometimes need to realize they won't and can't change.