Being the parent he needs

[Lollypop]

Hi

Just returned from a two week family holiday, first in 10 years, with our BPDs25 and son15.  It went just great in that there was lots of bonding, shared experiences and laughs.  Other good news was he was drug free for the entire time, satisfying my requirement.

There were three big challenges for BPDs that he really struggled to cope with.  All related to things not going to the expected time frame; very very interesting to witness.  He apologised to us for his behaviour afterwards, in one instance personally apologising to our guide which I was surprised about as he must have cared about what she thought of him. I've always known he likes routine, almost in an autistic way.

We spoke to BPDs yesterday.  We told him that we felt he'd been slipping back to his old ways before our holiday; working the bare minimum, spending all spare money on weed.  He agreed.  He said "the holiday has been really good, it's given me the space to work a few things out. I really want a car and my climbing certificates (he needs this for his work) so I've decided that I'm going to give you some savings so you can keep it for me. This worked really well when I gave you the Money to set aside for the holiday. I've decided in the longer term I'm moving back to California but in the meantime I'm getting myself a car and my certificates, if GF goes to uni next year I'll move down there to live with her. I don't know what her plans are yet or if we'll even be together but this is my plan at the moment. Just so you know though, I'm not giving up weed but won't be spending as much, I feel in control. My problem is boredom". 

I took the opportunity of saying that we both felt his priority should be treatment. I encouraged him to go for his mental health assessment so he could get some help with his disorder and other issues. I got the impression that he may just do this but let's wait and see.  I also told him (clearly) that if he fails to save then our plan will be to increase his rent until it reaches the point he can manage to pay for private rent. He said "ok, I see what you're doing". I said "and this will happen over a short time frame of 6 to 9 months". 

So finally, I feel hopeful. I feel strong. I'm really pleased we had this conversation on a positive note.

Agreed with husband that we'll give him a maximum of 3 weeks to get some savings together. Let's see what his behaviour is like now we're back home.  If nothing materialises, we give him a weeks notice of a small rent increase of £10 per week. Every month is goes up. It'll take 6 months to reach the cost of a private room cost. If we reach a point that he doesn't pay any rent we ask him to leave.

Feeling good.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gorges]

  Sounds like a plan

[wendydarling]

Hi LP

Welcome back, I'm so pleased to hear the holiday you'd planned for such a long time was a great success and you are feeling good  . 

Hey, I would expect nothing less than for you be on to next steps and goals, well done. Sounds like your son trusts you deeply, appreciates you clearly articulating your forward plan, which he acknowledges he understands and that he's shared his short term and longer terms goals. 

No surprises then ... . 

I'm so very proud of you LP, what you have accomplished since meeting here is truly amazing, I know it's been hard for you, walking through mud at times, but boy (pardon the pun) it feels good to grow. 

WDx
Daughters 28th birthday today, she is presently at DBT, reflecting ... .





 

[Lollypop]

Thanks WD for your kind words and support. We've all come a long way. I know independence was always the goal but I've never really believed it could happen. Today, I do.  I can see it happening with the right level of emotional support.

Birthday girl! Gosh, 28 was a bit of a landmark for me. I hope it's a beautiful day for you both.

Growing together. Hugs

L