Just broke up

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have been involved with a man with BPD for almost 4 years. We have broken up and gotten back together countless times. We lived together for a year and it was terrible. I found out he was messaging several woman during that time and when I told him that I didn't appreciate it (they were sexual) it turned into a big fight and i got accused of starting drama.
I purchased a home out of the pretext of it being a good investment and moved out but we still remained together. Then he broke up with me after meeting a new girl. He went back and forth between her and me ( I didn't know it at the time). He told me he loved me and that we were "together"... .but somehow they would talk on the phone all night long or she would "hang out" at his house.
I told him I wanted a committed relationship and eventually he agreed to it. He owns his own business, and I have worked for him (free) the whole time we have been together 6 days a week in the evening after my regular full time job.  I work an 8 hour shift at my job and teach classes for him all evening.

I became dependent of him and the relationship and I need help breaking that.  When the relationship was good - WOW was it amazing! He was so loving, attentive and fun. It seemed as though we were two puzzle pieces. But the his depression would kick in and he would distance himself. Next thing I know he is calling other women, and then hates himself. He calls himself a piece Sh*t but I always tell him that he is not. That he is a wonderful man who just need some help. He broke up with me yesterday saying he never wants to get married and he just doesn't want to be in a relationship.
His kids love me, his parents love me and everyone at his business loves me ( he runs a karate school).  I keep his business running and now I am suppose to walk away?
How can someone tell you how much they love you and how lucky they are to have you and 2 weeks later break up?

[jackie1970]

I have been involved with a man with BPD for almost 4 years. We have broken up and gotten back together countless times. We lived together for a year and it was terrible. I found out he was messaging several woman during that time and when I told him that I didn't appreciate it (they were sexual) it turned into a big fight and i got accused of starting drama.
I purchased a home out of the pretext of it being a good investment and moved out but we still remained together. Then he broke up with me after meeting a new girl. He went back and forth between her and me ( I didn't know it at the time). He told me he loved me and that we were "together"... .but somehow they would talk on the phone all night long or she would "hang out" at his house.
I told him I wanted a committed relationship and eventually he agreed to it. He owns his own business, and I have worked for him (free) the whole time we have been together 6 days a week in the evening after my regular full time job.  I work an 8 hour shift at my job and teach classes for him all evening.

I became dependent of him and the relationship and I need help breaking that.  When the relationship was good - WOW was it amazing! He was so loving, attentive and fun. It seemed as though we were two puzzle pieces. But the his depression would kick in and he would distance himself. Next thing I know he is calling other women, and then hates himself. He calls himself a piece Sh*t but I always tell him that he is not. That he is a wonderful man who just need some help. He broke up with me yesterday saying he never wants to get married and he just doesn't want to be in a relationship.
His kids love me, his parents love me and everyone at his business loves me ( he runs a karate school).  I keep his business running and now I am suppose to walk away?
How can someone tell you how much they love you and how lucky they are to have you and 2 weeks later break up?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi jackie1970-

Welcome!  I'm sorry you're going through that, it is very painful and confusing.  A little good news, if your boyfriend exhibits significant traits of the disorder, is that we've all been there too, we understand, and that and all of the information on this site can help you understand, which is part of healing and detaching.

How can someone tell you how much they love you and how lucky they are to have you and 2 weeks later break up?

"A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation." is a trait of the disorder, and over the 4 years you may have seen more evidence of that, although professing his love and then breaking it off is an extreme version of that.

Keep reading and posting, and as you learn, detach and heal it does get better.  Take care of you!

[jackie1970]

Thank you for your response. The back and forth of breaking up and then making up has been heart breaking. Each time he closes himself off and leaves, I feel like I will never be happy again.  It seems all I can focus on is what I am missing and not get angry at what he is doing. I keep telling myself it's not his fault he is like this and always take to worse from him even though I give him my best.
What other woman would work for 4 years, 6 days a week for free just so she can support her boyfriend.  He told me time and again how perfect i was for him and how I understand him, and then he disappears into himself and tells me to just leave him alone.

How do I just leave someone alone I know is hurting. That I know could live a more "normal" life if he would just get help for his anger issues. He went to my Pastor once and he agreed that he had major anger issues, that he was mad at everyone and everything all the time now.  He hates himself, and his life and no matter how often I tell him he is wonderful - he doesn't listen.

I know in my head I have to walk away because this spinning cycle will not stop.  My son adores him and his kids love me and this is hurting us all.

[fromheeltoheal]

I keep telling myself it's not his fault he is like this and always take to worse from him even though I give him my best.

It is not a borderline's fault they have a personality disorder, that's true, although he's still responsible for his behavior, as all adults are.

How do I just leave someone alone I know is hurting. That I know could live a more "normal" life if he would just get help for his anger issues.

By putting your and your son's needs first.  Which will feel weird if you've been putting his needs ahead of your own for a long time, which it sounds like you have.  Extreme selfishness is your friend right now, and you mention you can't get angry at him, although anger is your friend now too.

I know in my head I have to walk away because this spinning cycle will not stop.

OK then, you sound resolute, and it's common to have a conflict between our heads and our hearts coming out of these relationships, so best to follow your head, do what you know is right, and as you detach and heal your heart will align with your head again, but it doesn't want what's best for you right now, it's defaulting to what's best for him, yes?

My son adores him and his kids love me and this is hurting us all.

More reason to do what is right quickly, to stop the bleeding.  Always better to yank the band-aid off instead of pick at it, it hurts less and heals quicker yes?  There's a lot of emotion here, and having a clear goal can help give you direction when the emotions flare up and you don't know which way to go.  Please continue talking to us, and do you have local support?  You mention your Pastor, which it great.  Take care of you!

[heartandwhole]

Hi jackie1970



I'm sorry to hear about your breakup. It is so painful to feel so connected to someone, then find out that his feelings have done a 180˚ in a matter of days, or hours, or minutes.
I have been there, and it shattered my heart.  

You have come to the right place for support. The members here really do understand what you are going through, and the site has so many tools and resources to make things better for you. And they DO get better, jackie1970. They did for me, and they can for you, too.

Do you have supportive friends and family whom you can lean on right now? Self care is so important. Most of us come out of these kinds of relationships weaker and more confused than we have ever felt before. It takes time and patience and compassion to rebalance our hearts and minds. Are you getting enough sleep and eating well?

When I first got here, I felt so confused and hopeless. One article that really helped me understand what I was dealing with is here:

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

If you have a chance to read it, I'd love to hear what you think—does any of it resonate?

Keep writing, jackie, it really helps to let it out. We are here to support you.

heartandwhole