Insights into the mind of a pwBPD husband

[Cat Familiar]

I wanted to share some "interesting" insights into my husband's mind that he has been sharing with me lately. He's a retired attorney, very intelligent, high functioning BPD, can be very emotional, fears that people don't like him, tends to self medicate with alcohol, spends much time reading and watching TV.

Since I've been participating here, I've changed my ways of relating to him and I validate more, JADE less, try to be supportive but not directive, and talk much less about myself. This has allowed him to trust me more and to be more candid with his feelings.

Lately he has started riding his road bike, after being inspired by watching the Tour de France (everyfreakinghour of it!). So that's good that he's getting more exercise because I was worried about his couchpotato-ish lifestyle. Recently he's bought about a dozen different team jerseys. He told me that while he's riding, he pretends he's a Belgian rider or on the British team or whatever. (OK, whatever motivates you, Sweetheart.) Of course I didn't say that, and it's a damn good thing that I've had a lifetime of practicing my poker face, but this seemed so age-inappropriate, but whatever... .SMH

Next insight--he's been learning an obscure language and has worked with an instructor in another state, both one-on-one and through conference calls with other students. It's a language that has an alphabet different from Arabic, Greek, Latin, Cyrillic, Hebrew or Asian alphabets, and he has devoted a huge amount of time to learn it in the last four years. Currently he is out of state, attending a week-long intensive with a few other students. He confided in me that he was worried about meeting his instructor and his wife. He was afraid that they would be "disappointed" in him.

Again, I was amazed by this disclosure and thankfully didn't say anything invalidating. I'm thinking that these shared confidences are just the tip of the iceberg of all his lack of sense of self, self-loathing, insecurity, stunted emotional growth, whatever. I know this sounds judgmental, but it is so incongruous with his elegant, refined social presentation that the rest of the world sees.

As long as I stay open and don't externally judge him, I'm sure he'll tell me more.

[byfaith]

He was afraid that they would be "disappointed" in him.

I'm thinking that these shared confidences are just the tip of the iceberg of all his lack of sense of self, self-loathing, insecurity, stunted emotional growth, whatever. I know this sounds judgmental, but it is so incongruous with his elegant, refined social presentation that the rest of the world sees.

my wife has the same thinking. She isolates herself from people that she thinks are on a higher plain than her. She tends to "hook" up with people that do not "threaten" her.

[Cat Familiar]

Yeah, he cultivates "friendships" with people who are at lower social strata than him, usually people who work in some service role, and gives them excessive gifts. It's not that he wants to socialize with them; he wants them to "look up" to him. The people he wants to socialize with are "A" list people and he's not reciprocally on their "A" list. Rather he's on their "C" or ":)" list.

It occurred to me that when he's wearing the team jersey, he isn't imagining he's a "team member." He's imagining he's the guy who is the star of the team. 

[Notwendy]

Cat, I think your being more vulnerable, less judging, more accepting does have a positive affect on your H sharing his vulnerabilities with you.

I've told my H that I don't want a fantasy man, I want a real person, and nobody is perfect.

Being loved unconditionally is what we all want. That doesn't include accepting hurtful behavior, but loving someone who is also imperfect, like we are. In both our home, my H and I had to act perfect to avoid being criticized. But we aren't perfect.

I will share something I read from a book on decluttering. It said to let go of your fantasy self and keep what fits your real self. What is our fantasy self? It's the self that says " I'm going to read all those books" I'm going to scrapbook all those pictures" when you aren't a scrapbooker and you don't like the books. But we hang on to stuff we are going to do some day if we hang on to those fantasies. Yes, I will wear those size 2 jeans from high school  one day. No, give them to someone who will.

If someone has a poor self image and a larger fantasy self, then that fantasy can affect their choices. But the hobbies are a good thing. So, if your H imagines he is Lance Armstrong, and it makes him happy and is good for him, then why not?

[Cat Familiar]

What is our fantasy self? It's the self that says " I'm going to read all those books"

Very timely comment, Notwendy. I've been moving books today and figuring out which ones I need to get rid of.  I still think I might actually read some of them.

And yes, whatever makes him feel good about himself is a good thing. It just really surprised me because it was the sort of pretend game I used to do when I was about eleven.

And there is a sweet childish quality to lots of these pwBPD. We get attracted to that in the beginning and don't realize that they actually have some obstacle to maturation--they are like little kids at times, both the good qualities of sweetness, innocence, wonder and the bad qualities of selfishness, temper tantrums, narcissism.

[empath]

It's not that he wants to socialize with them; he wants them to "look up" to him.

My h wants to be 'looked up to' also. A while ago, he was complaining that all his 'friends' got kicked out of their houses/living situations by their wives and are not living locally anymore... . 

[Cat Familiar]

I think one of the things that's really problematic with pwBPD is that they really want close supportive relationships with friends and loved ones, but it feels claustrophobic to them when they actually get that. They would rather dwell in "wanting" than "having" and when they do "have", then they're likely to detonate the situation because it's so uncomfortable to "have" instead of "want".

And when they "have", they're constantly afraid of getting exposed as a "fraud" because they're "putting their best foot forward" and to try to be something other than who they are is exhausting.

[Notwendy]

I think that is what my H did with me. His social image is amazing. People think he is the greatest. I fell in love with him in that setting. Then, once things got serious, it was like Jeckyll-Hyde. If I said anything, he blamed me for that, and I believed him. I recall telling a mutual close friend, " he doesn't act like the person we knew". Her response was that he must be under stress. I agreed, as there were stresses, but over the years there was always some sort of reason, and he always blamed me for causing trouble between us if I brought it up.

I truly loved him, and would have given him all the love he craved, but at the time, he pushed me away. Now, I am more reserved. I still love him, but not in that innocent way that I did. He says he wants that kind of love. I told him I don't want to love something that isn't real. I just want real, whatever that is. I think that helps him be himself. He doesn't have to work at being something he isn't with me. I would rather have the in between- a little Jeckyll a little Hyde. Not all of one or the other.

I also blame myself too. I had a false persona from growing up with BPD mom. Maybe the inverse of ideal, as it was so easy to convince me that I was to blame, and if that were the case, I could fix it. I thought it was my job to keep everyone happy and didn't think there was any other way to love someone. So I also have to work on being authentic.

[empath]

They would rather dwell in "wanting" than "having" and when they do "have", then they're likely to detonate the situation because it's so uncomfortable to "have" instead of "want".

This seems to be a general stance for my h; he is always wanting something. He constantly asks me what I want and is confused when I say 'nothing'; he's also never satisfied.

Interesting, when we are 'in love', we tend to idealize the other person, only seeing the positives and minimizing the negatives (if they are seen at all). As the relationship grows, the love matures and includes the negatives as well as the positives, at least in healthy relationships. My h has said that he wants to be 'in love' again... .  He can usually last about 2 years in any other relationship before he gets fed up with it, or before the other people catch on to his issues.

He's also a bit jealous of my friendships and relationships: "people like you... ." (well, unless he sabotages those relationships)  Sometimes, the immaturity really gets to me.

[Notwendy]

All relationships go through an idealizing phase. For the relationship to last, couples need to be able to have mature ways to resolve issues, and a lasting, growing love. This kind of love actually takes some work- not putting up with a bunch of misery, but work at communication, growing together.


Our relationship broke down at this point, neither of us had the skills to truly be effective. I just became increasingly co-dependent trying to fix it.

I read a lot of books on marriage, not just about BPD. I didn't even know that's what my mother had at the time ( I knew something was going on, just not what it was).

I learned a lot from them, and am glad for the knowledge. It helped me to at least see patterns and things to work on.

My H seemed so confident. I had no clue that he had any insecurities. I on the other hand, didn't hide them. He would be critical of me for them. I felt somehow inferior. I don't now though. Strange how these relationships play out.

[Cat Familiar]

His social image is amazing. People think he is the greatest. I fell in love with him in that setting. Then, once things got serious, it was like Jeckyll-Hyde.

I also blame myself too. I had a false persona from growing up with BPD mom.

Yes, I definitely put my best foot forward too at the beginning of the relationship. I was more willing to travel and do the entertainment things my husband enjoys. However, when it became obvious that he wasn't as willing to stretch outside his comfort zone to do things I like, my accommodating his wants and needs sharply decreased.

A turning point was when I bought a massage table, thinking we could give each other massages. I gave him many massages, but the only use he made of that table was folding his laundry upon it. One day I gave it to my physical therapist, who had just graduated from her program and was struggling to make ends meet. I figured she could make use of it at home, where she didn't have one to use.

As I withdrew some of my supportive behavior, you can guess what happened. I was no longer idealizing him, so he didn't feel "special" and he began drinking more and being less amenable. Then the typical downward spiral that we've all experienced began, to the point where I had to ask myself, "What happened to the guy I fell in love with?"

Now, a few years later, I'm much more educated about how my behavior elicits the negative BPD behavior that I don't want. Therefore, I seldom behave in ways that will trigger him. Every now and then I call him out on something so egregiously hypocritical, but for the most part, things are fairly smooth between us, boring even. I guess I liked those highs, even though I had to pay for them with the lows, but not anymore. And when I do confront him, he gets over it faster and sometimes even admits the truth in what I have to say.

[Cat Familiar]

Interesting, when we are 'in love', we tend to idealize the other person, only seeing the positives and minimizing the negatives (if they are seen at all). As the relationship grows, the love matures and includes the negatives as well as the positives, at least in healthy relationships.

Yes, and those negatives come back and bite us in the butt. Now I can look back and see snapshots of behaviors and attitudes that I eagerly dismissed at the time because I was "so in love." And the red flags were there all along, I chose to ignore them.

Fortunately, this guy, unlike my first husband, is kindhearted and honest. I really do have very little patience for the crazy any more, so I guess that is a good thing. Had I really paid attention at the very beginning, I wonder if I would have proceeded further with this relationship. Knowing what I know now, I doubt it. But I didn't know it then.

However, that said, I do have a very comfortable life and he's a good guy. I'm getting over the disappointment that I got "duped again" and I actually think it's possible that I might be able to love him again. He's gone for a week doing a seminar right now, so it's a good time for me to mediate on my own issues of falling for a fantasy and feeling so distraught when I realized that I fell in love with an image, not a person.

[Cat Familiar]

All relationships go through an idealizing phase. For the relationship to last, couples need to be able to have mature ways to resolve issues, and a lasting, growing love. This kind of love actually takes some work- not putting up with a bunch of misery, but work at communication, growing together.


At the heart of the problem of a relationship between a pwBPD and a non is the matter of working on ways to resolve relationship issues. I see so many nons here bending over backwards trying to do the work that two healthy people need to do to keep a relationship afloat. I wonder if it is truly possible for one person to shoulder the burden alone.

What I've experienced with partners with personality disorders is that they cannot stand any feedback that smacks of criticism and they will find criticism in the most innocent remark. For people to truly work on relationships, they have to be accountable, not only to the other person, but to themselves and this is where pwBPD fall short, due to their tendency for black and white thinking.

I can't count the times my husband has said, "I'm not all bad, am I?" in a childlike voice. Even though I tried to tell him I love him, but I don't love the behavior--a strategy that I attempted to use before I landed here--he never got the distinction, probably because he has such a limited and fragile concept of his own identity.

So as much as we can try to have a healthy relationship with a pwBPD, I'm not optimistic that it would ever look like a truly healthy relationship. That said, I don't know of many nons who have a healthy relationship either, so it might just be pie-in-the-sky thinking on my part that there is such an animal as a "healthy relationship" and chances of finding one might be about as rare as seeing a unicorn, however one of my goats has a single horn, so there are probably some semi-healthy relationships out there. I don't know. I haven't had one and I can't say I know any friends who claim to have one either.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I am touched to hear about these stories. I reflect now that my wife was helpless in a lot of ways.  That was never endearing to me, but, I didn't mind stepping up and doing all the adult things (bills, management, household).  In the meantime, on occasion, my wife would pick up hobbies she enjoyed, and I loved seeing her happy (and talented) at those.  It gives me almost the sense a parent gets when watching their kid finally take his first steps, or have a part in the play, or something like that.  A happiness for someone else.  Too bad it always comes down to feeling like the parent not the partner.

Inevitably however, these created problems because in her perspective I didn't support them, or couldn't pay for them, or whatever.  And usually, she would feel I was against it - due to some imaginary "mind-reading" projection that she came up with.  So, she would get discouraged again.  But, it was nice at times to see her into doing her things.  I long for a normal life with a normal person.  

If I knew then what I know now, I could have reshaped my behavior - and been more validating, or bent over even farther backwards to make sure she felt supported and loved.  Maybe that could have steered our relationship into a better situation, but, I almost broke as it was, and lessons always follow the tests in life.  

[SamwizeGamgee]

Wow.  Cat - you and I used almost the same phrases as we made our separate entries describing the dynamic. 
Must be true

[Cat Familiar]

If I knew then what I know now, I could have reshaped my behavior - and been more validating, or bent over even farther backwards to make sure she felt supported and loved. 

Isn't that interesting, that we are OK with bending over backwards to try to be loving and supportive? And so sad, then over time, irritating, that they cannot or will not see how hard we are trying to "make them happy."

It goes back to the metaphor of trying to fill a black hole. There is no "there" there. They have such a fragile and incomplete identity and are looking for someone to attach themselves to for supplying all their parasitic needs for support, love, interest, happiness. And it works for them for a time, until we have needs of our own and assert them and wonder why there's no reciprocity.

[Notwendy]

The affection and attention felt one sided to me too, but since that was my role growing up- working so hard to be loved- I didn't know any different. I still idealized my H, but pregnancy and kids took my attention and I was doing all of the hands on child care. That's when my H fell out of love. Those were dark years. I hung in there for the kids. Somehow he decided to try again. It's been a work in progress.

The sensitivity is more than I realized. Even little things. Some leftovers were gone. He said I ate all of them. I replied that I didn't eat all of them. Just a fact- I don't care at all who ate them. He insisted he didn't eat them - reacting as if that was a criticism. I thought this is no big deal- said I must have eaten them and just went on. It is sad to think that so many things I said were perceived as hurtful when I didn't intend them to be. Now when I sense things were interpreted wrong , I just back off. Not worth it.

[Cat Familiar]

The sensitivity is more than I realized. Even little things. Some leftovers were gone. He said I ate all of them. I replied that I didn't eat all of them. Just a fact- I don't care at all who ate them. He insisted he didn't eat them - reacting as if that was a criticism. I thought this is no big deal- said I must have eaten them and just went on. It is sad to think that so many things I said were perceived as hurtful when I didn't intend them to be. Now when I sense things were interpreted wrong , I just back off. Not worth it.


Yes, I get this about "backing off" and at the same time, I don't want to admit to things I haven't done. One of our cats has gotten very good at opening the door to the verandah, where there's an extra bedroom, my office, and the laundry room. I keep the cats in at night because we have lots of predators, so it's an ironclad rule for me.

My husband doesn't shut doors well, nor kitchen cabinets, nor refrigerator doors. It used to drive me mad. He's trying, but the attention to detail isn't there because it's not something that he's interested in. So when the cat got out one night recently, he picked her up and brought her into his studio, where we were watching TV.

"The door to the verandah wasn't shut completely," I said. (I knew it was him because he was going back and forth, putting laundry into the washer and drier.)

Guess what, first words out of his mouth were "I didn't do that." I simply said, "I haven't been out there tonight."

He put the cat back after she started marauding through his studio, looking for things to knock over.

I went out to the verandah a bit later and found the door slightly ajar. In the past, I would have been furious, but knowing that wouldn't accomplish anything other than a bitter fight, I simply said, "You have to close the door until it clicks."

A couple of hours later, after a few trips back and forth from the laundry room, he said, "I've got to check the door" and he went back and made sure it was shut properly. When he returns from his week-long seminar, it will be interesting if the learning stuck and he continues to shut the door completely.

I remember an eldercare advocate told me when I was taking care of my mother with dementia, to repeat the following phrase to myself so that I didn't get frustrated about the level of my mother's abilities: "NO NEW LEARNING." Perhaps that is also true with pwBPD about issues that are unimportant to them.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Yes, and yes!  I can walk away from anything now because it's not worth the lawyer-like arguing about what I said, what I mean, what I did last year... .

[Notwendy]

Cat - have you considered a sign on the door to check that it is closed? I found that verbal requests, events, were more likely to be forgotten than written ones.

I think it is about attention. If someone's mind is elsewhere, saying something to them may not register, but something in writing can be there to look at and be reminded. 

[Cat Familiar]

Cat - you and I used almost the same phrases as we made our separate entries describing the dynamic.  


What strikes me over and over in reading different people's accounts on this site is how similar the structural dynamics are in these relationships. During my brief stint in grad school for counseling, I remember one of my professors said, ":)isregard the details. Look at the structure."

When we do that, it's easy to spot patterns and to notice how our own input can change results. Really, the details of why we argue  often are so transitory and irrelevant. Somebody left a mess in the kitchen. Someone didn't fill up the car with gas. What's really behind the details are structural issues and if we're truly honest it's "you don't care about me" or something similar--and this goes both ways, for the pwBPD and the non.

[Cat Familiar]

Cat - have you considered a sign on the door to check that it is closed? I found that verbal requests, events, were more likely to be forgotten than written ones.

I think it is about attention. If someone's mind is elsewhere, saying something to them may not register, but something in writing can be there to look at and be reminded. 


Actually I've done this about a few other issues and oddly enough, he can be completely oblivious to a sign on a door. I find it so ironic because when he edits photographs on his giant computer screen, he sees tremendous detail. Yet, he will not see a 9 X 11 sheet of paper taped to a cabinet door. (It must be that he's so into some internal thought process that he neglects to see what's right before him.)

One of these signs he missed I had taped to the outside of a big box store giant bag of toilet paper rolls. Not only had I told him that mice got into our storage area and had shredded most of the TP rolls in an individual bag of six rolls. So I taped a sign on the intact bag telling him to use the opened bag of rolls that was in the upper cabinet, instead of opening the large bag on the lower storage shelf. He kept opening the bag and I kept taping it shut and reaffixing the note.

It was months later that he actually read the note and apologized. Fortunately, in the meantime, I had discovered that cotton balls soaked in peppermint oil was an effective mouse deterrent.

[formflier]

  he said, "I've got to check the door" and he went back and made sure it was shut properly. 

What did you do after he said this and did this? 

I ask... .because my Psychologist has been leaning hard... .really hard on me to "respond" in a healthy and loving way vice "react".

In fact... .I still have a couple more things on my "to do" list.  I don't want to smash them all together and I want to find appropriate time to focus.

1.  Thank you card with nice sentiment in it to thank her for being a teacher in public school and for teaching our kids.  (last Sunday was teacher appreciation day at our church)

2.  There are a couple of things she has done lately that where done because I asked... and were done in the way that I asked them to be done (details really did matter).  At the time there wasn't time for a "moment" and a quick thanks was given.  Our relationship (and my wife) is worth more than a quick thanks.  The plan is that tonight on date night I will do the thanks.  The critical parts are thanks, that it really felt good to me for her to do that, and that I'm looking forward to "moving forward together" on this issue. 

FF

[formflier]

The sensitivity is more than I realized. Even little things. Some leftovers were gone. He said I ate all of them. I replied that I didn't eat all of them. Just a fact

I'm making conscious effort to work on same thing... .especially when my wife's mind is elsewhere.  I think I had a victory this morning. 

We have a "key bowl" where keys are supposed to be deposited (my wife's idea).  I keep my own set of keys with me at all times and put them in drawer next to my bed at night.  A couple days ago I had to temporarily give my keys to my wife and this morning I asked her if they were still in her purse.  She said no... .that she had put them in the bowl.  (I was standing at the bowl... .looking). 

I did think it appropriate to ask a couple questions about when she did this... .and that went fine.  She did look in her purse again... .no keys.  It was busy getting kids off to school... .so I dropped the matter (especially since I had backup set of keys).

I had been careful about tone during the entire conversation.

Later in the morning I went out to her car and looked around.  She loves to put things in the center console... .and guess what I found there.  My keys.

Later... .I casually said something like "Oh hey... .I found my keys in the cruiser (we name all our vehicles... .) "

She said ... ."ohh good... ."  I let the matter drop. 

She had said earlier with absolute conviction about date and time of when she put the keys in the bowl... .that likely never happened.  What matters is I have my keys... .and didn't needlessly embarrass or "point out" flaws in my wife.

FF

[Notwendy]

That is awesome FF. I think we all can use some appreciation for what we do. I think someone with BPD needs even more. They can be so sensitive to any possible criticism that one slight can undo a list of positive feedback. Sometimes I think their own self talk is so negative.

While it may feel over the top to us, I think they need a lot of positive reinforcement. I think we'd like a little more of that from them too, but someone has to start it.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Well played FF.  I have learned to sugar-coat almost everything I say.  I usually avoid anything that involves a question or concern about her [anything] so as to avoid triggers.  I laugh and cry at myself inside when I see what I have to do to have a semblance of normal conversation.

On one hand it dismisses any learning that can and should happen as two people live together (including talking about needs, and things small and great like pet peeves, etc.).  On the other hand, it keeps the peace and, at least for me, it teaches me over and over that little things are really not important. 

All is well that ends well, and I tell myself that if it won't matter tomorrow, than it doesn't matter today.

[Cat Familiar]

I laugh and cry at myself inside when I see what I have to do to have a semblance of normal conversation.

On one hand it dismisses any learning that can and should happen as two people live together (including talking about needs, and things small and great like pet peeves, etc.).  On the other hand, it keeps the peace and, at least for me, it teaches me over and over that little things are really not important. 


Yes, trying to talk about "issues" with a pwBPD is like walking through a minefield. I've even gotten in trouble by thanking him for doing something because in his mind it's a criticism because apparently he thinks I'm saying that he should have done it previously.

So, positive reinforcement (for all of us) is uber important, but very tricky to do it the right way with a pwBPD so that we don't trigger their filter for criticism, sarcasm and snark. So often I've been accused of sarcasm when I've said something that was meant as kind, loving and appreciative. (I'm such a direct person, I'd have to try really hard to be sarcastic and it wouldn't be easy or natural.)

FF, I probably should have said something positive about him checking the door, but as you can see, I'm a bit gun-shy about giving him positive feedback. As I've often mentioned here, my husband has a tendency to abuse alcohol. There are times when he has tried to moderate his use and overall, he's doing a lot better. So I've been in a quandary, since I used to confront him about his drinking. I've wanted to acknowledge that days when he doesn't drink are really nice, but then, no matter how I try to imagine saying that, it comes out sounding like criticism. Then ironically he has said when he's been upset, "You don't even notice when I try to cut back."

Oh yes I do, but how the heck do you say that? 

[Cat Familiar]

They can be so sensitive to any possible criticism that one slight can undo a list of positive feedback. Sometimes I think their own self talk is so negative.


Absolutely. My husband frequently mutters swear words under his breath and sometimes, apropos of nothing, says one in a very loud voice. It used to really startle me and I'd ask, "What's wrong?" thinking there was a huge problem.

Every time his answer was something like, "I'm just beating myself up about something."

[formflier]

Oh yes I do, but how the heck do you say that? 

Be yourself... .and be direct.  "I really enjoyed spending time with you today!"  There is nothing shaming or guilt inducing about that. 

I would not tie it to alcohol unless he brings it up.  If he does bring it up... .tell him you have noticed his hard work and that it is paying off.  Ask him directly how you can better support him. 

Remember, it's about the future and not the past.

Here is the critical thing.  Other than drinking... .when he takes action on things you have requested him to do.  There needs to be positive feedback and thanks.  Let him know how much it means to you (that it ties you two together)

It doesn't have to be an over the top thing.  Perhaps you can make it fun.  It's another step in the right direction.  Don't get distracted by detours or possible bad behavior.

For instance:  We did date night last night.  Good dinner and conversation.  Towards the end of dinner I gave her a card.  She seemed appreciative.  It was nice moment... .then we went on with the rest of the evening.

Later that evening... .

I had asked her to come in and help me get things on the calendar (on my computer) to help the weekend go smoother.  I was in bed and ready for sleep... .she was still delaying coming in... .for some reason.  She finally breezes into the room and immediately starts ranting about a computer cord laying on the bed... .oddly enough connected to the laptop computer I had out and open to google calendar (hmmmm... .really odd... .I know)

Then she flings the computer charging cord my way (perhaps making sure none of it was on her side... .not sure).  Starts to lecture me about locations of other outlets in the room. 

I got up, unplugged my computer and walked out and put my laptop on my desk in another room.

Came back in and she is sitting on the bed with a bunch of papers out.  I asked if she was ready to turn out the light.  She said she thought I wanted to put stuff in the computer calendar and I said "I did... but I need to go to sleep now"  (it was 45 min past my bedtime now... .)

She huffed a bit and left the room... .I still got over 8 hours of sleep. 

She seemed better this morning... .I don't plan on mentioning the computer cord rant.  My strategic plan was to not get caught up in discussions that don't matter.

Where I plug in a computer doesn't matter.

Deciding to talk to or otherwise engage my wife when she is worked up about something does matter. 

Protecting my sleep does matter.

Letting my wife sort out things like this (whatever she was upset about with the computer cord) on her own does matter.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Remember, it's about the future and not the past.

Here is the critical thing.  Other than drinking... .when he takes action on things you have requested him to do.  There needs to be positive feedback and thanks.  Let him know how much it means to you (that it ties you two together)

It doesn't have to be an over the top thing.  Perhaps you can make it fun.  It's another step in the right direction.  :)on't get distracted by detours or possible bad behavior.

Thanks, FF. Good ideas. I'm dismayed at how little I understand how to give positive feedback to my husband. I can so easily do it with my friends. And I know it came much more naturally when we first were dating. I guess it's a sign of two things: not having good role models in my FOO and building up a tremendous load of resentment for my husband.

In all fairness, I feel that I've carried so much resentment from my first marriage to an abusive pwBPD and when the BPD symptoms started showing up in my current marriage, I felt so much indignation and betrayal. So at least I have an intellectual understanding of this and now my feelings are starting to get the message too. I know he "didn't do this on purpose" and my compassion for him is growing. And whereas my relationship with my ex on a scale of 1 to 10 with one being mild irritation to ten being absolutely horrible, I'd say was about an 8. While this marriage only would rank about a 2 sometimes, with a definite 3 at times when he was more actively abusing alcohol. So in reality, I don't have much to complain about, other than my own baggage!