Can a veteran member talk some sense to me I'm slipping

[Infern0]

Back into my old ways.

Everything was going well with me and my BPD ex until last week when her brother tragically passed.

I was there for her for the first few days but as it was early in our contact I was careful not to be too engulfing.

But then she called me and was very off and now she's pushing me away a bit and just isn't in contact. She said she's upset etc which is understandable of course.

It's just my paranoia and worry and I can't help but think to the pain that's happened before between us.

But I feel I should not be worrying and I feel like a jersey worrying about "us" at a time like this.

Can someone talk some sense into me please

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I will try-

I know you have done a lot of work on co-dependency, but even with work, we can fall off the wagon- like an alcoholic, but instead of alcohol- relationships. You have been off and on with this relationship and its drama. You like this woman. However- she is who she is, and we can't expect someone else to change. If we wish to keep our sanity in relationships, that takes some work.

She has gone through a horrible tragedy, one that would emotionally stress even the most stable person, but add BPD to this and this is very hard for her. I would propose that any move towards a relationship at this point would not be the best timing- she is emotionally vulnerable. You want her to choose you, but she may not be in any emotional state to choose anything at the moment. You can be a supportive friend, but to support her- means on her terms right now, as she is probably beside herself.

Inferno, you've "picked up the drink" of relationship drama. Did you do 12 step work? Do you have a sponsor, if so, call him/her. But if you haven't, it is good to post here for help, so we can help you keep your sanity. The remedy? Self care as you know. She knows you are there for her, but this is a rough time. Take care of you- however you do that- activities, exercise, meditation, counseling, prayer. Whatever works for you- but do it.

What she wants to do is out of her control, and it is possible she just doesn't know what she wants from moment to moment. She needs to grieve in her own way. Your job is to take care of you right now.

[ArleighBurke]

Agreed- the loss of a relative would shake anyone. But with a BPD, every emotion is multiplied 1000x so this is *BIG*.

I would assume as well that this is an abandonment fear. She just lost someone really close to her - and it HURT. So if she gets close to you - then she MAY lose you as well - and that would hurt. So to "protect" herself from that future pain of loss, she chooses to close her heart and push you away.

I think giving her space is the right thing- and letting her choose the pace she wants to go. Stay positive. Stay healthy.

[Oncebitten]

excellent advice and I agree... .right now she needs support.  but since she is hurt she will push those closest away.  its simple self preservation in their minds.  let her know you are there for her as a friend and dont push.  she will come around when she is ready

[Meili]

I will echo the others in saying that her pushing you away is out of fear. Don't chase, but don't let her push you away. Stay right where you are while giving her all the space that she needs to take. Be consistent in your actions.

[Infern0]

Thanks for the replies.

I have not heard from her for 4 days but the last 2 times before that was me reaching out. (Prior to the death she initiated at least every other day )Theres nothing I can do if she doesn't want to talk right now. I have told her I'm here if she needs.

I'm just concerned that this is going to spin her off the rails and she seemed on a good path before.

Time will tell I guess

[Notwendy]

I understand your concerns, but you don't have any control over her reaction.

When my father passed away, I was basically a mess. For at least three months, it seemed I cried all the time. There were days I would look at the clock, it would be afternoon and I wondered where the day went. I held it together to take care of the kids, but emotionally, I was a mess.

That's grief. But my BPD mother was off her rocker. At times she was mean, nasty, and other times acted as if nothing happened and showed no emotion at all, having just lost her husband. She had moments of sadness as well. She disowned me in her will, then forgot she even did that. But this is how she grieved- the whole range of emotions and it didn't make sense to us, but her emotions and how she deals with them were unique to her.

We siblings feared she would do something terrible and drastic, but thankfully she did not.

You have fears, but no control over what this woman will do. Your fears may not come true.

Grief can spin anyone off the rails, and how they spin off the rails is unique to them. But I also think grief is a necessary process, as hard as it is. Take care of yourself and let her go through this in the way she gets through.