Introduction

[westexy]

Hi there - Just posting an introduction. I would like to avoid divorcing my spouse but I think it may be unavoidable. I'm looking for advice on how to speak with him about getting treatment. I used to think that he was bipolar and he has been treated for that in the past. However, since his mother died, his symptoms seem more in line with BPD - not that i feel qualified to diagnose him. I feel resigned to whatever happens between the two of us, but no matter what we need to parent our child together. This is hard but not impossible, right? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

These relationships are hard, but not impossible! You've stumble on a place where we are all too familiar with the types of things that you are probably experiencing. It's bad that you had to find the board, but also good that you did!

I think that getting your husband into therapy might be an ambitious first step. You might be able to get him there; but first, learning to effectively communicate and not escalate problems and protecting yourself (mentally and physically) are in order.

To the right of the page is a sidebar that has several good links to that end. Three of the best tools to begin with are learning to listen with empathy, learning to stop being invalidating, and setting boundaries.

In addition to the articles in the sidebar, there are lessons and workshops on here that you can utilize to help learn and grow. Also, there's a plethora of wisdom that can be found in the threads of others; so it may help to spend some time reading through them.

If you can give us some specifics about your situation, we might be able to hone the advice a bit more to help you better.

[westexy]

Thank you Meili - There is so much to tell that I don't really know where to begin and end, and so much is repetitive of what others have said. My husband has been doing the following things since his mother died a little over three years ago:
Calling me names
Criticizing me
Blaming me for everything
Mocking me
Laughing at me
Getting very drunk on a regular basis
Bizarre aggressive behavior that he later denies
Telling me how I can feel
Telling me what room I can be in
Telling me whether I can have the door open or closed
Calling me names and then sending our son in to "check on me" when I walk away

He used to apologize but in the past year doesn't even apologize anymore or acknowledge that anything is wrong. We've tried couples counseling twice in the past year. The first time he arrived drunk for a number of sessions so I gave up. The second time he got so anxious beforehand that he started being horrible to me in front of our son, so I left with my son and told him I would come back when he calmed down - which I did.

He said that he wanted to start fresh which I agreed to as long as we discussed rules of engagement, which he agreed to, but then wouldn't discuss. So I have visited with an attorney to see how I can get him out of the house since he now refuses to leave. It's possible but I want to have one more conversation with him to give him an opportunity to try something different. At times, he has acknowledged that he is "sick" or that he needs to make changes, but he seems so terrified of doing anything. I have been compassionate and supportive for a long time and if he's not willing to address our family issues, then I must.

[Meili]

It sounds like you've been developing some good boundaries (ending the conversation) when he starts to treat you poorly. That's great! Boundaries seem to be one of the hardest things for people in these types of relationships to establish.

I think that many of us struggle with what a boundary actually is. It's hard to learn to warn the offender in a loving manner of what the consequences of violating the boundary will be. "I love you; but, if you continue to talk to me that way, I'm going to leave until you've calmed down." "I told you that I am going to leave if you keep talking to me like that." "I told you that I was going to leave. I'll be back when you calm down." Is basically what it should look like. Most of us jump from ":)on't talk to me like that!" to "I'm outta here!" The latter just makes things worse. How do you do it?

Are you trying to save your marriage at this point, or are you trying to decide if it's what you want to do?

[westexy]

How I do boundaries : ) - During a calm time I'll say something like "I love you. I'm here to support you; however, it's not ok to be mean and aggressive or to call me names or criticize me. If you do that, I will walk away. If you do that in front of our son, we will leave the house until you calm down. If you threaten me, I will call the police." If things are heating up, I keep it shorter "I'm not going to have this discussion when you are being mean and disrespectful. "

However, just about anything I say makes him angry - I love you. It's not acceptable to speak to me this way. Etc.

My goal is to keep our family together but not at all costs. Now that I've had the revelation that he may be BPD and not only bipolar, I want to give him another chance. However, if he's unwilling to make changes, I won't live this way indefinitely. I have become isolated from my family and friends. I have let so many simple and small opportunities for fun and relaxation go because he will be drunk and mean when I come home. I won't continue to lie for him in order to protect him and I won't teach my son to lie about it either.

[Meili]

The anger issue is a real concern. Telling someone that you love them should not result in anger.

When he's just angry, but not taking it out on you, do you think that you can listen with empathy and validate his feelings?

[westexy]

If he is verbal about any anger, it's rare that he's not taking it out on me. Often when I tell him that I love him he says I don't show it or am horrible at showing it or if I really loved him, I would have more sex with him, different sex, or he would feel closer to me during sex, etc., etc. thank you for listening.

[Meili]

Well, those things may give you something to work with at least. What happens when you ask him how you can help him see that you love him?

The "if you loved me, you'd... ." comment is pure abuse. When I heard that in my past, it was generally met with my saying, "If you loved me, you'd not ask me to... ."

[westexy]

What happens when you ask him how you can help him see that you love him?

The answer usually is sex related, and when I have met his request, he has been happy in the moment, but the next day typically would get drunk and yell at me, saying things like he couldn't "feel" that I was into it. I could say honestly that I was and that I couldn't think of how I could possibly make him feel that I felt it. Then he would say something like "it's not the sex, it's the lack of intimacy". Always another hurdle to jump.

Anyway, he did something that really hurt me in March - leaving me deserted with our son at a car repair place. After that, I told him that I would not continue to work on our relationship as a couple until he did something about his mood issue and his drinking. I'm still waiting.

[Meili]

I would bet that the "hurdle" is his projecting.

So, you set a boundary in March? And, if I understand, you've ignored that boundary? Maybe you should start to enforce it. If you don't, he'll continue to disrespect you. As long as you teach him that it's acceptable to disrespect you, he'll continue to do so.

[westexy]

You can correct me, but I don't think I've expended energy or work on our relationship. I have been rebuilding my relationships with friends and family and developing a plan for getting him out of the house if he blows up at me again. I have primarily been working on myself and only maintaining a civil relationship with him for my son's sake.

I think he has been doing a lot of projecting and he has admitted it several times. What he won't admit is that HE isn't into ME, and I think that may be the real truth, but he doesn't want to be known as the one that "destroyed our family". He has made it clear that if we break up, it will be all on me.

[Meili]

So, at this point, you've given up on the relationship with him?

What's interesting is that the very things that you listed as things that are not working on or putting energy into the relationship are the very things that can save these types of relationships if both people have not given up hope.

[westexy]

So, at this point, you've given up on the relationship with him?

What's interesting is that the very things that you listed as things that are not working on or putting energy into the relationship are the very things that can save these types of relationships if both people have not given up hope.

I'm sorry I'm being dense Meilei. I feeling really overwhelmed today. It's incredibly tense at home as our son is starting school today and that's the deadline that my husband came up with to talk about the future - or in his words, whether or not I would get to remain in our home. We'll see. What do you mean? That I should continue to do what I used to do, or that focusing on myself and my relationships will help? Again, I'm sorry... .I'm just not sure what you're referring to.

[Meili]

Nothing to apologize for, this stuff is confusing and counter-intuitive at best.

What I meant was focusing on yourself, you other relationships, and your boundaries are what is needed.

[westexy]

Thank you. That validation is so good to hear. It has been a very long three and a half years of trying all kinds of communication techniques and reading a ton about what is going on with him. In that area I am completely burned out for now. But if there is hope that me rebuilding my own life might have a positive effect on the relationship, then I won't give up yet - unless he kicks me out. : )

[Meili]

But, being willing to give up is a key component here. As long as we show them that we are not willing to walk away from them (healthy boundaries is what is meant here, not threats to leave), they are in complete control and we become doormats.