"Just Friends"?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi, everyone,

Coming here for a little dose of badly needed sanity.  It's been nearly two weeks since I left diagnosed BPD/NPDbf, and he has been nonstop badgering me to return and manipulating me quite skillfully through guilt.  I am posting this because I am very embarrassed to admit I'm about one inch from giving in to the crying, pleading, begging (tantrums) and needed to be reminded why that would be DAMN DUMB, really.

His latest tactic is he will no longer ask for a LTR (even though he still wishes it could happen!)  He is so lonely (very true, I know, as he really has no one else) and is asking essentially for an FWB relationship with no strings attached just so he can have "companionship and love" from me in any form.  I have told him repeatedly I don't want to be used that way and I also don't want to be perceived as using HIM, which I would never do.  He swears of course that the emotional/verbal abuse would NEVER happen again (HA!) and that he would never pressure me for anything more, and we could see each other when it was "convenient" for me only. 

I certainly have not said yes, but there is a small sad voice in my head saying "You should do this because it will make him feel better and you can't leave him like this".  I really want to be completely NC but I cant seem to do it yet, so his messages and such are sinking in to a certain extent and causing incredible guilt. 

I KNOW the whole "just friends" thing if I was deluded enough to do it, would morph quickly into the desire for an LTR, which for a zillion reasons is impossible (my kids hate him, he wants children, I'm too old, etc., etc)  but I'm still tempted to go and be a "friend" to "help him" (and yes, I've read but obviously not internalized that particular lesson)

He is also (literally) screaming to me about the fact that "he doesn't want to be in a relationship that means nothing to him" but that he is so desperate for companionship that he will probably go in that direction.  I think he believes that the thought of him with another woman would drive me back to him (particularly someone from his past whom he dated very briefly and left because she was only a "filler" for me during a six month me-initiaited breakup).  Again, ashamed to admit it, but he's a bit right here - I don't want to be with him, but the thought of him with someone else, particularly this individual, hurts way more than it should for some reason.

Anyway, guess I'm mostly here to see if anyone else has had a "just friends" experience that worked out well.  I almost don't need to ask - I KNOW what would happen here.  But the magnetic pull of this person is just exerting a force on me, and I needed some sensible perspectives on WHY I NEED TO NOT EVEN CONSIDER IT A MOMENT MORE.  I guess I'm saying... .Please stop me?

Thanks.

[chillamom]

Hi, everyone,

Coming here for a little dose of badly needed sanity.  It's been nearly two weeks since I left diagnosed BPD/NPDbf, and he has been nonstop badgering me to return and manipulating me quite skillfully through guilt.  I am posting this because I am very embarrassed to admit I'm about one inch from giving in to the crying, pleading, begging (tantrums) and needed to be reminded why that would be DAMN DUMB, really.

His latest tactic is he will no longer ask for a LTR (even though he still wishes it could happen!)  He is so lonely (very true, I know, as he really has no one else) and is asking essentially for an FWB relationship with no strings attached just so he can have "companionship and love" from me in any form.  I have told him repeatedly I don't want to be used that way and I also don't want to be perceived as using HIM, which I would never do.  He swears of course that the emotional/verbal abuse would NEVER happen again (HA!) and that he would never pressure me for anything more, and we could see each other when it was "convenient" for me only. 

I certainly have not said yes, but there is a small sad voice in my head saying "You should do this because it will make him feel better and you can't leave him like this".  I really want to be completely NC but I cant seem to do it yet, so his messages and such are sinking in to a certain extent and causing incredible guilt. 

I KNOW the whole "just friends" thing if I was deluded enough to do it, would morph quickly into the desire for an LTR, which for a zillion reasons is impossible (my kids hate him, he wants children, I'm too old, etc., etc)  but I'm still tempted to go and be a "friend" to "help him" (and yes, I've read but obviously not internalized that particular lesson)

He is also (literally) screaming to me about the fact that "he doesn't want to be in a relationship that means nothing to him" but that he is so desperate for companionship that he will probably go in that direction.  I think he believes that the thought of him with another woman would drive me back to him (particularly someone from his past whom he dated very briefly and left because she was only a "filler" for me during a six month me-initiaited breakup).  Again, ashamed to admit it, but he's a bit right here - I don't want to be with him, but the thought of him with someone else, particularly this individual, hurts way more than it should for some reason.

Anyway, guess I'm mostly here to see if anyone else has had a "just friends" experience that worked out well.  I almost don't need to ask - I KNOW what would happen here.  But the magnetic pull of this person is just exerting a force on me, and I needed some sensible perspectives on WHY I NEED TO NOT EVEN CONSIDER IT A MOMENT MORE.  I guess I'm saying... .Please stop me?

Thanks.

[Rayban]

Just friends means I want you on standby when he needs validation, or an emotional punching bag, when no-one else is available.  Why would you want to be friends with those conditions?

if you really want to help, help him get the help he needs. Support him if he is willing to help himself. 

[steelwork]

My r/s went through various stages that resembled FWB. The unmet expectations on his part were always there. All it did was give cover for the resentment that erupted after he'd replaced me.

One thing I'm sensing in your post is a suggestion that YOU (and your friendship and physical comforts) hold the key to HIS happiness. It's kind of flattering, on a certain level, to be told this. I know it's also awful (I have been there in various relationships), but I think it might be worth considering what you are getting out of this dynamic.

[FallBack!Monster]

Are they reallyy that bad?  If they are no longer emotionally connected in terms a romantic r/s friends is out of the question?  How is it that they can be nice to other people they call friends? But not the ex?
Do they use these other people too? Or do they just have it out for the dumb people who care to actually care?
 I was considering her request for friends but one point but I see here it's impossible.

[heartandwhole]

Hi chillamom,

I don't think he truly wants a FWB situation. He is lilkely scrambling to say whatever the right thing will be to keep you in his life. This is also about need-- his need for you to regulate his emotions because he isn't capable/hasn't learned how.

He is, however, capable of trying to help himself, isn't he? Why should a big part of your life be dedicated to being his "soother?" Isn't that simply enabling him to stay as stuck as he is now?

You know why he is putting the pressure on. I encourage you to look at what you are getting out of his pleading, his need, and his threats to go elsewhere for comfort.

heartandwhole  

[Mutt]

Hi chillamom,

I agree with heartandwhole that he's looking for soothing and he needs to self sooth.

I am posting this because I am very embarrassed to admit I'm about one inch from giving in to the crying, pleading, begging (tantrums) and needed to be reminded why that would be DAMN DUMB, really.

These tantrums or extinction bursts will pass.