Need custody advice ASAP please

[Dontknow88]

So He "kindly" asked me not to try to sole custody (I think it's best that I have sole custody ) he says the courts will most likely be in his favour cause he has a great job, makes more money than me  and lives in a better are than me.

Shared custody is hard legally cause we live far apart from each other and also in different countries.  As the custodial parent, I rather have full custody. He can visit as much as he wants. I would never keep out child from him. He can visit but I don't feel comfortable sending our son to him, 1 cause he's young 2 cause his dad isn't stable. (Functional in work life and the opposite in personal life)


He told me the area I live in and my income I would lose and he will get full custody. I am frightened. I need your advice



He's suacidal (have proof) and self harms at least 4 times a week and now it's in places that are visible. I don't feel our son would be safe with him.


PLEASE I need advice

[ambivalentmom]

Hello,
     I hope I can offer up some advice, but you will know best.  I see in your post that you know what you want to do, but he is creating more fear.  Is that what you are thinking?  Court is tricky because there are many factors in play, but you don't want to listen to his advice, especially if he is unstable.  See if there is a cheap or pro bono lawyer that might be willing to do a consultation with you.  I am also wondering about mediation instead of court if he doesn't agree to you having sole custody.  You can express concerns about him not being mentally stable, the cuts/suicidal, but also the circumstances in which he left.  He already has a new girlfriend, has he tried to spend time with his son?  You might not need to go to court, but you should seek professional advice about how to setup a custody/visitation agreement.  Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Moselle]

Spot on Ambivalent mom.

Best not to pay any heed to the threats. He's grasping at straws. I would be very nice to him and let him know you will not keep the child from him. Let him know it's all fine - he needn't worry about things.

But get sole custody if you can. It will make a huge difference as you can make decisions without consultation. I have a friend who got sole. It makes life much easier

[Dontknow88]

Hello,
     I hope I can offer up some advice, but you will know best.  I see in your post that you know what you want to do, but he is creating more fear.  Is that what you are thinking?  Court is tricky because there are many factors in play, but you don't want to listen to his advice, especially if he is unstable.  See if there is a cheap or pro bono lawyer that might be willing to do a consultation with you.  I am also wondering about mediation instead of court if he doesn't agree to you having sole custody.  You can express concerns about him not being mentally stable, the cuts/suicidal, but also the circumstances in which he left.  He already has a new girlfriend, has he tried to spend time with his son?  You might not need to go to court, but you should seek professional advice about how to setup a custody/visitation agreement.  Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Yes I am scared I asked him about medeation he said he wants to keep it the way it is ( it's 50/50) and if I file for full custody he will also fight for full and claims he will win.

He seen him 3 times for less than an hour and bailed on me when he was born cause it was "too hard"

[ForeverDad]

Court is tricky because there are many factors in play, but you don't want to listen to his advice, especially if he is unstable.

Have you consulted with a lawyer familiar with the international aspects of custody laws of the two countries?  If the child is residing with you, wouldn't courts in your country handle the case?

Against him is his suicidal history which is concerning, it would question his stability but on the other hand if it's more than 6 months ago it might be viewed as somewhat 'stale' and of less importance.

For you is your history of majority parenting.  That means a lot.

Many courts separate legal custody from physical custody, also known as parenting time.  Unless he's been abusive, neglectful or endangering it is hard to get sole legal custody, at least at first.  What some parents here have tried to get as the "next best" option is Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  It lets the other parent feel like a parent but gives you, in effect, the control you need for school, medical and religious issues.

What was already suggested is true, you can't believe his entitled claims and bluster.  Intimidation and discouragement are tools used by disordered and controlling persons.  While you can listen to his demands since they may indicate what he would try if it went to court, don't believe them, his perceptions and entitlements are not reality.

I cannot imagine a scenario where a remote and virtually no-show parent could waltz in and get full custody.  Three brief one hour visits in 6 months does not make him an involved father.  I'm guessing that's his 'norm' or comfort level.  After some more time with him making infrequent visits you could seek to make the status quo official in a court order. Just make sure you don't provide him evidence that you're improperly "blocking" or "obstructing" his parenting.  (Yes, if he arrives at night or without advance arrangements, that's not blocking.)

[Dontknow88]

Spot on Ambivalent mom.

Best not to pay any heed to the threats. He's grasping at straws. I would be very nice to him and let him know you will not keep the child from him. Let him know it's all fine - he needn't worry about things.

But get sole custody if you can. It will make a huge difference as you can make decisions without consultation. I have a friend who got sole. It makes life much easier

Yes that's my problem now, and I'll try my best to get custody I just hope the judge will see he isn't fit right now. I'm worried that his good job and living in a better area will make him win .

[Dontknow88]

Court is tricky because there are many factors in play, but you don't want to listen to his advice, especially if he is unstable.

Have you consulted with a lawyer familiar with the international aspects of custody laws of the two countries?  If the child is residing with you, wouldn't courts in your country handle the case?

Against him is his suicidal history which is concerning, it would question his stability but on the other hand if it's more than 6 months ago it might be viewed as somewhat 'stale' and of less importance.

For you is your history of majority parenting.  That means a lot.

Many courts separate legal custody from physical custody, also known as parenting time.  Unless he's been abusive, neglectful or endangering it is hard to get sole legal custody, at least at first.  What some parents here have tried to get as the "next best" option is Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  It lets the other parent feel like a parent but gives you, in effect, the control you need for school, medical and religious issues.

What was already suggested is true, you can't believe his entitled claims and bluster.  Intimidation and discouragement are tools used by disordered and controlling persons.  While you can listen to his demands since they may indicate what he would try if it went to court, don't believe them, his perceptions and entitlements are not reality.

I cannot imagine a scenario where a remote and virtually no-show parent could waltz in and get full custody.  Three brief one hour visits in 6 months does not make him an involved father.  I'm guessing that's his 'norm' or comfort level.  After some more time with him making infrequent visits you could seek to make the status quo official in a court order. Just make sure you don't provide him evidence that you're improperly "blocking" or "obstructing" his parenting.  (Yes, if he arrives at night or without advance arrangements, that's not blocking.)

In a email he sent me he told me that he's been suicidal all his life and been really feeling it for  the past 6 months, that was last week.

Yes he said he can only Handel an hour.

Would me emails help in my case?

I actually ask when he's coming to visit again. I want him to know his son but yeah I don't see him handeling a full time dad

[enlighten me]

Hi dontknow88

Firstly can I ask what countries are involved? The law differs in different countries.

secondly as others have said dont let him frighten you and bully you. As unfare as it may seem the mother is generally favoured in custody cases. I say unfare as I have just had a battle with my ex wife over our sons. The things that where in my favour and why I now have full residency where my sons dont want anything to do with their mum any more due to how she and their step dad treated them and that they are of an age where they must be listened to. If this wasnt the case then I would most definately have lost. i know this as i tried four years ago and lost.

The fact that he may be unstable is a tricky one to use. If you have no evidence then it becomes your word against theres. My uBPD ex wife put on a great show which left her lawyer very hostile towards me. If it wasnt for the boys statements and her medical history which she failed to provide then I would not have felt comfortable mentioning her mental health.

Any messages bullying you should be recorded. My ex accused me of allsorts but lluckily I had her texts to discount her claims.

[Dontknow88]

Spot on Ambivalent mom.

Best not to pay any heed to the threats. He's grasping at straws. I would be very nice to him and let him know you will not keep the child from him. Let him know it's all fine - he needn't worry about things.

But get sole custody if you can. It will make a huge difference as you can make decisions without consultation. I have a friend who got sole. It makes life much easier

Was your in a similar situation ?

[Dontknow88]

Spot on Ambivalent mom.

Best not to pay any heed to the threats. He's grasping at straws. I would be very nice to him and let him know you will not keep the child from him. Let him know it's all fine - he needn't worry about things.

But get sole custody if you can. It will make a huge difference as you can make decisions without consultation. I have a friend who got sole. It makes life much easier

Was your in a similar situation ?

Sorry I mean was your friend in a Similar situation ?

[Dontknow88]

Hi dontknow88

Firstly can I ask what countries are involved? The law differs in different countries.

secondly as others have said dont let him frighten you and bully you. As unfare as it may seem the mother is generally favoured in custody cases. I say unfare as I have just had a battle with my ex wife over our sons. The things that where in my favour and why I now have full residency where my sons dont want anything to do with their mum any more due to how she and their step dad treated them and that they are of an age where they must be listened to. If this wasnt the case then I would most definately have lost. i know this as i tried four years ago and lost.

The fact that he may be unstable is a tricky one to use. If you have no evidence then it becomes your word against theres. My uBPD ex wife put on a great show which left her lawyer very hostile towards me. If it wasnt for the boys statements and her medical history which she failed to provide then I would not have felt comfortable mentioning her mental health.

Any messages bullying you should be recorded. My ex accused me of allsorts but lluckily I had her texts to discount her claims.

Hello yes I have a lot of evidence from emails, fb chat (screenshot) and people who seen him completely lost it. That's the main reason but the other is the different country thing 50/50 custody is very difficult to keep up

[Moselle]

Sorry I mean was your friend in a Similar situation ?

Yes. Psychopathic ex husband. She was able to get him to agree in the end to letting her have sole custody as part of the settlement. He was interested in money issues not custody issues.

I would suggest try to get him to believe it's in the best interest of the child. Remember you are dealing with n adult  who is more like a 4yr old. You lead him. You are the healthier , responsible adult

[enlighten me]

Hi dontknow88

Firstly can I ask what countries are involved? The law differs in different countries.

secondly as others have said dont let him frighten you and bully you. As unfare as it may seem the mother is generally favoured in custody cases. I say unfare as I have just had a battle with my ex wife over our sons. The things that where in my favour and why I now have full residency where my sons dont want anything to do with their mum any more due to how she and their step dad treated them and that they are of an age where they must be listened to. If this wasnt the case then I would most definately have lost. i know this as i tried four years ago and lost.

The fact that he may be unstable is a tricky one to use. If you have no evidence then it becomes your word against theres. My uBPD ex wife put on a great show which left her lawyer very hostile towards me. If it wasnt for the boys statements and her medical history which she failed to provide then I would not have felt comfortable mentioning her mental health.

Any messages bullying you should be recorded. My ex accused me of allsorts but lluckily I had her texts to discount her claims.

Hello yes I have a lot of evidence from emails, fb chat (screenshot) and people who seen him completely lost it. That's the main reason but the other is the different country thing 50/50 custody is very difficult to keep up

Just out of curiosity is your childs nationality the same as the country you live in. If so it would be more difficult for custody to be awarded to move him to a country he wasnt a national of.

[Dontknow88]

Hi dontknow88

Firstly can I ask what countries are involved? The law differs in different countries.

secondly as others have said dont let him frighten you and bully you. As unfare as it may seem the mother is generally favoured in custody cases. I say unfare as I have just had a battle with my ex wife over our sons. The things that where in my favour and why I now have full residency where my sons dont want anything to do with their mum any more due to how she and their step dad treated them and that they are of an age where they must be listened to. If this wasnt the case then I would most definately have lost. i know this as i tried four years ago and lost.

The fact that he may be unstable is a tricky one to use. If you have no evidence then it becomes your word against theres. My uBPD ex wife put on a great show which left her lawyer very hostile towards me. If it wasnt for the boys statements and her medical history which she failed to provide then I would not have felt comfortable mentioning her mental health.

Any messages bullying you should be recorded. My ex accused me of allsorts but lluckily I had her texts to discount her claims.

Hello yes I have a lot of evidence from emails, fb chat (screenshot) and people who seen him completely lost it. That's the main reason but the other is the different country thing 50/50 custody is very difficult to keep up

Just out of curiosity is your childs nationality the same as the country you live in. If so it would be more difficult for custody to be awarded to move him to a country he wasnt a national of.

Yes it is! I'm glad I didn't agree to get dual citizenship

[Dontknow88]

Sorry I mean was your friend in a Similar situation ?

Yes. Psychopathic ex husband. She was able to get him to agree in the end to letting her have sole custody as part of the settlement. He was interested in money issues not custody issues.

I would suggest try to get him to believe it's in the best interest of the child. Remember you are dealing with n adult  who is more like a 4yr old. You lead him. You are the healthier , responsible adult

I've noticed he's easily persuaded. He was willing to give he full custody, he seen how it was better, but now it's no, cause his friends told him it's not a good idea (mind you his friends dosent know he has a serious mental illness so in their eyes he's fully capable of caring for a child)

It's so messed up cause his professional life is great but his personalize is, well, you know.

[Moselle]

I've noticed he's easily persuaded. He was willing to give me full custody, he seen how it was better, but now it's no, cause his friends told him it's not a good idea.

OK. This is good news. Use your best persuasion techniques to get him to agree. Do not threaten court like he is. Soothe him and help him see the value of not going the legal route. Eg. "I'm confused, I thought we had agreed on custody issues. I'm here to help you develop a strong relationship with child ( it sounds like you are) Let's focus on how to do that. What are your concerns? "

What are some other things you can do to persuade him and avoid a legal battle?

I'll ask my friend today for any tips and revert. In was quite surprised that her ex would agree to sole custody, but she stuck to it and got it.

Hang in there

[Dontknow88]

I've noticed he's easily persuaded. He was willing to give me full custody, he seen how it was better, but now it's no, cause his friends told him it's not a good idea.

OK. This is good news. Use your best persuasion techniques to get him to agree. Do not threaten court like he is. Soothe him and help him see the value of not going the legal route. Eg. "I'm confused, I thought we had agreed on custody issues. I'm here to help you develop a strong relationship with child ( it sounds like you are) Let's focus on how to do that. What are your concerns? "

What are some other things you can do to persuade him and avoid a legal battle?

I'll ask my friend today for any tips and revert. In was quite surprised that her ex would agree to sole custody, but she stuck to it and got it.

Hang in there

Yes I do want them to have a relationship.

My conserns are that he honestly dosent know how to take care of a child, cracks under the simplest pressure (I have a feeling his new GF offered to help him raise my son, he's gullible like that so now he has the confident cause if that happens she will do all the work) but the stress will break them up faster than it will happen then he's on his own & I know that's when he will have another breakdown. I can't go threw that.

I'm trying to be nice but now his words are "if you all legal I will fight and take him from you" it's weird cause before he seen the logic in sole custody for me and he can visit all he wants.

He's visiting again soon, I'll try to remind him why we wanted to do this.

[enlighten me]

I think reasuring him that he is his father and always will be and that you want him to be a big part of his life may help.

With my ex wife she saw me as a threat that wanted to turn the boys against her and have them all to myself. Im sure that my reassurances where ignored as they didnt fit with her reality. That said on some level I believe it sank in. With BPD actions speak louder than words. By offering more time and involving him in choices such as schools and activities fir your soon these words may take hold.

Another thing to consider is in my experience pwBPD go from one drama to the next. At the moment the custody is his drama. The more you can make it less of a drama then something else will come along to get his attention. He will flit back to drama with you but if he doesnt find it then something else will take his focus.

[Dontknow88]

I think reasuring him that he is his father and always will be and that you want him to be a big part of his life may help.

With my ex wife she saw me as a threat that wanted to turn the boys against her and have them all to myself. Im sure that my reassurances where ignored as they didnt fit with her reality. That said on some level I believe it sank in. With BPD actions speak louder than words. By offering more time and involving him in choices such as schools and activities fir your soon these words may take hold.

Another thing to consider is in my experience pwBPD go from one drama to the next. At the moment the custody is his drama. The more you can make it less of a drama then something else will come along to get his attention. He will flit back to drama with you but if he doesnt find it then something else will take his focus.

Thank you for your advice, I will surly do that cause I do want him in his life. I will keep you updated

[Moselle]

DK,
 
I spoke to my friend. She mentioned that her ex was low running functioning as opposed your yours who appears high functioning.

I would certainly try to appease his concerns and do things  ( as enlighten me suggests) which can make him feel more comfortable which may swing it.

I would not recommend getting into  prolonged court battle with him.

[Dontknow88]

DK,
 
I spoke to my friend. She mentioned that her ex was low running functioning as opposed your yours who appears high functioning.

I would certainly try to appease his concerns and do things  ( as enlighten me suggests) which can make him feel more comfortable which may swing it.

I would not recommend getting into  prolonged court battle with him.

Ok, yes the plan is to truthfully reassure him but with everything that's going on I have to get an emergency sole custody (he doesn't have to know about that) and in the meantime I'll reassure him and keep up the visits and hopefully he will be willing to give me permanent custody or willing to go to mediation.

This is draining. With all the drama I never really got to enjoy my newborn.