First Post

[Caseyann]

I have a 41-year-old daughter who was diagnosed with BPD about 5 years ago. Though she was in intense counseling as a teenager, she was never diagnosed with an actual disease or disorder. She has had a very difficult life after running away and her father bowed out of her life after he became remarried. She became pregnant at age 19, married the father who was a cocaine addict with a wealthy family that enabled him. The marriage ended in divorce about 7 years later after he was released from prison for robbery. She keeps looking for her happiness with men who have mostly all been bad choices. I helped raise her beautiful daughter, who is now 21, since her father more or less abandoned them both. Amazingly, she graduated and has been employed at a job she loves and has already been promoted twice. However, her relationship with her mother is fractured and they argue incessantly. She and I are both feeling helpless and don't know how to cope with the angry outbursts and attacks after which she calms right down and acts as if nothing happened. Currently she has cut off our small family and all her friends.

She feels everyone has abandoned her, no one loves her and can barely support herself. She gets hired easily since she is bright and friendly. Later, she inevitably loses her jobs usually because she quits or they cannot cope with her ups and downs. She is living on her own for the first time in her life and is lonely and frightened. The psychologist who diagnosed her has since passed away and I feel I have no one to turn to who understands. I have true friends who offer support but don't understand the complexities of the disorder and feel she just needs to "grow up, stay with a job and move on with her life." She just recently told me she tried to commit suicide and "failed at that, too." That was the tipping point for me. I have no idea how to help but I can't sit back and do nothing. A friend recommended I find support and that is how I got here. I am very grateful to have found this group.

Thank you,
Caseyann

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[need a break]

I am glad you found the site. It has been very helpful to me as there is no judgment here.
I wish I could offer you some suggestions but I am still struggling.  My D is 28 hasn't worked in over 10 years.
I used to think she could just grow up and get on with her life. But she is not able to.
No one would chose to live the lives that BPD people have.  I can tell you one thing... .I have lost plenty of "friends"
due to their ability to think of mental illness as an illness. If our girls had cancer friends would be going over board to help.
Sadly with mental illness most people are very ignorant.
I am learning to let go, to accept, to feel resolve. This does not take away the pit in my stomach, the grief and deep sadness. I am however starting to understand.

Reach out people here are wonderful

[wendydarling]

Hello Caseyann

I'd like to join need a break     welcoming you to bpdfamily and the parents board.

Thank you for sharing your journey. I'm glad your good friend recommended you reach out for support and you found us.    You are not alone, as you read the board you will see parents and grandparents, walking together, we understand.

I'm very sorry your daughter has suffered so and is in crisis now and understand when you say it's tipping point and you can't sit back. 

At this point are you able to help your daughter access medication and DBT, wider treatments she needs? 

We look forward to supporting you, and your granddaughter.

Small steps, day by day.

WDx 







i

[Caseyann]

Thank you for your responses. It truly does help to know we're not alone. There were times I felt I was the only one dealing with this seemingly unfixable disorder though learning what it is was a small relief somehow. I am only just beginning to let go and accept. It is the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do, for any mother to do. I can't imagine the grief and sadness going away ever because as you said, it's always there.

My daughter is not speaking to any of her family or friends, not responding to notes or texts which is totally unusual for her. Has anyone else ever experienced this with their adult BPD's? She is not willing to take medication and not really committing herself to therapy. I've been told that many psychiatrists are not always willing to work with them. She does not accept that anything is wrong and keeps saying she's not crazy, refuses to learn about her illness and keeps repeating the same behaviors and losing friends and jobs. The blame is always on other people and circumstances. It is absolutely heartbreaking to watch a loved one in such pain and not be able to do anything to help. Have others experienced this same helplessness and frustration? Are all BPD's loud, argumentative and defensive?

Thank you,  

[need a break]

Hi,
It took my daughter a very long time before she came to terms with her diagnosis. She was never really what I would call easy, in fact very challenging. In and out of drug rehab since she was 12 - probably 20 -25  psych and rehab plus a 2 year stay at a RTC when she was 16.
She was diagnosed at 20 by a therapist  who told her in a very blunt way that she had BPD and told her she must have had some kind of trauma in her life such as being molested etc.
My D  (who has always been troubled) went on Wikipedia took look up this thing she was diagnosed with by a fly by night therapist.
Within 1 month she became what she read, like a check list for BPD. All hell broke loose. Accusations that I watched someone molest her and let it happen, that she was beaten as a child and so on. I think she had some kind of awakening or breakdown because things have never been the same.

Anyhow to answer your questions:
Yes she can be VERY augmentative and defensive. Never taking responsibility for her actions. There is no speaking to her when she is this way, always blaming others. She knows everything and anything else said goes in one ear and out the other.   

Yes it is very hard to find a psychiatrist or therapist to work with BPD people - I was told they feel like they are a huge liability.

Yes Caseyann it is the hardest thing you will probably have to do, watching her go through this process. She has to get to the point where she wants help.

I am so sorry this is happening to your family and wish you peace and strength

[wendydarling]

Hi Casseyann

I also found learning about BPD a relief - hard as it was, through my learning I have been able to accept my 28 yr daughter has emotional dysregulation disorder and her life will not be as I once envisaged nor she. I'm sorry you are in pain, 

My daughter was diagnosed last July and I found this wonderful forum in December. To be very honest I am still learning to understand my daughter's disorder, it's a journey.  I'm moving in the right direction through the changes I have made for myself using the tools and lessons to the right of your screen producing positive results for my daughter. Small steps   

I'm sorry your daughter is not in contact and understand your worry, how long since you heard from her? It is common some lose contact, not respond when people reach out, as you'll see from reading members journeys here. Blaming, argumentative, defensive, repeating same behaviours, and not recognising accepting their disorder or treatment is also common. Not all BPDs are loud - my daughter is quiet, she does not rage, blame ... .She recognises her diagnosis as it was an unbearable pain she could no longer live with, she'd met the end of the road only option was treatment. She is now in DBT treatment and alcohol counselling - many quiet BPDs are also not in treatment.

What kind of therapy has your daughter received, is it DBT? We parents also benefit from counselling and therapy to help make sense of this and gain support to move forward, have you considered any counselling for yourself?

These were the two books I first read and found immensely helpful
Stop Walking on Eggshells
Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder

I hope you hear from your daughter soon, let us know how you are getting on.   Have you looked at the tools and lessons to see how they can help you understand your daughters behaviour, gain communication skills and how best to manage those loud arguments etc... .

Hope.

WDx