Still hurt and confused but I know I need to move on

[Depression = 72% of members]

So its been 3 days since my discard by my friend; it completely ruined my weekend which I am so angry about.  Yesterday at work I was ruminating about it and decided to send one final email.  I'm not sure if I'm blocked or not or if he read it but it made me feel a bit better.

I told him he doesn't get to say his bit and push me away and expect me to just accept it.  I said that I was sorry that he had a mental illness and that it must be truly devastating for him but equally devastating for those who are party to his behaviour.  I said he should never had re-engaged with me knowing that he was going to push me away again and that it was cruel and hurtful.  I reminded him that I too have abandonment fears which we had previously discussed and he had acknowledged and said he wouldn't abandon me; but that I recognise he probably said that when he was feeling good and would deny ever saying it now.  I said that he shouldn't treat people who check in on him to say 'hi, how are you' like s**t as they don't deserve it and he will wind up very lonely.  I mentioned that he said he was disappointed in me last Friday due to his perceived hostility and lack of compassion on my part and said that he too had disappointed me each and every time he rode roughshod over my feelings without any regard for me whatsoever.  I then went on to say that I was sorry that I had got back in touch with him as the past 12 months had caused me nothing but pain and misery and that I only put up with it as I hoped that he would sort himself out but I could see that it will never happen as he is incapable of thinking about anybody but himself.  I said that it was ok as I realise that's the only way he can survive and that it must be hell on earth for him and that I was sorry that this was his life.  I said that I truly hope that he gets the help he needs in order to maintain healthy relationships and be able to lead some semblance of a decent life.  I advised him that I had blocked him on all forms of communication as I didn't want to hear from again as he didn't deserve my friendship or compassion any more.

Harsh?  Yes and a part of me feels sorry that I sent it but it had to be said.  All this frustration and hurt has been building for so long that I can't and won't let him say he doesn't want me or need my help and doesn't want contact with me anymore (for no good reason other than showing him that I cared and would be there for him, which he didn't like) without me saying how I feel.  It's like they think they can get things off their chest and expect you to just accept it with no comeback, but I couldn't this time.  I've been walking on eggshells to try and not upset him for far too long.  If he read it I expect it will have hurt but I can't keep it bottled up anymore as he needs to know that his actions hurt others and we aren't play things that you pick up and drop dependent on what mood he is in.

I have blocked his mobile numbers; can't block his email yet as I need to get on a laptop to do that and can't block him on Facebook as he has done the great deactivation yet again.  I know it doesn't matter though because he will never contact me again; I've said too many things that will have hurt him to his core; mainly for punishment and mainly to ensure that we never do this dance again.

[insideoutside]

So its been 3 days since my discard by my friend; it completely ruined my weekend which I am so angry about.  Yesterday at work I was ruminating about it and decided to send one final email.  I'm not sure if I'm blocked or not or if he read it but it made me feel a bit better.

I told him he doesn't get to say his bit and push me away and expect me to just accept it.  I said that I was sorry that he had a mental illness and that it must be truly devastating for him but equally devastating for those who are party to his behaviour.  I said he should never had re-engaged with me knowing that he was going to push me away again and that it was cruel and hurtful.  I reminded him that I too have abandonment fears which we had previously discussed and he had acknowledged and said he wouldn't abandon me; but that I recognise he probably said that when he was feeling good and would deny ever saying it now.  I said that he shouldn't treat people who check in on him to say 'hi, how are you' like s**t as they don't deserve it and he will wind up very lonely.  I mentioned that he said he was disappointed in me last Friday due to his perceived hostility and lack of compassion on my part and said that he too had disappointed me each and every time he rode roughshod over my feelings without any regard for me whatsoever.  I then went on to say that I was sorry that I had got back in touch with him as the past 12 months had caused me nothing but pain and misery and that I only put up with it as I hoped that he would sort himself out but I could see that it will never happen as he is incapable of thinking about anybody but himself.  I said that it was ok as I realise that's the only way he can survive and that it must be hell on earth for him and that I was sorry that this was his life.  I said that I truly hope that he gets the help he needs in order to maintain healthy relationships and be able to lead some semblance of a decent life.  I advised him that I had blocked him on all forms of communication as I didn't want to hear from again as he didn't deserve my friendship or compassion any more.

Harsh?  Yes and a part of me feels sorry that I sent it but it had to be said.  All this frustration and hurt has been building for so long that I can't and won't let him say he doesn't want me or need my help and doesn't want contact with me anymore (for no good reason other than showing him that I cared and would be there for him, which he didn't like) without me saying how I feel.  It's like they think they can get things off their chest and expect you to just accept it with no comeback, but I couldn't this time.  I've been walking on eggshells to try and not upset him for far too long.  If he read it I expect it will have hurt but I can't keep it bottled up anymore as he needs to know that his actions hurt others and we aren't play things that you pick up and drop dependent on what mood he is in.

I have blocked his mobile numbers; can't block his email yet as I need to get on a laptop to do that and can't block him on Facebook as he has done the great deactivation yet again.  I know it doesn't matter though because he will never contact me again; I've said too many things that will have hurt him to his core; mainly for punishment and mainly to ensure that we never do this dance again.

[heartandwhole]

I'm sorry, izzybusy. I know this has been really painful for you. I would feel the same. I remember feeling devastated at pwBPD's rapidly changing feelings about me, and I walked on eggshells until they were pulverized into powder.

It's understandable that you wanted him to know that his behavior hurt you; that it isn't okay to treat people the way he did. That comes from the part of you that refuses to be crushed, the part that rails against the injustice of it all. She wants to be heard. I don't know if your ex can hear her, but we can, and we understand those feelings because we've been there.

Letting go is a tough road. Lean on your trusted friends and lean on us, izzy. We're here for you.

What soothing activity can you plan for yourself this weekend? Something that will feel good and take your mind off of your ex?

heartandwhole

[iluminati]

In my experience, people with BPD tend to have a lower threshold for acts they consider threatening than the general population.  What you, and most people, would consider a benign act or a small mistake, people with BPD conflate with an existential threat.  The reason they don't think you have a right to say how you feel is because in their opinion, you made a horrible statement when you did XYZ.   Let's say that XYZ was forgetting to call them by a certain time.  No matter the rationale, in their head, that missed call is just the first step in you not only not speaking again, but trashing them to all of their friends and family as to what horrible, unlovable people they are.

Is it a ridiculous notion?  Yes!  Then again, that's why this is mental illness, not mental health.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Your headline illustrates my own mental state right now as well.  Sometimes we have to establish boundries.  That can be an unpleasant task, especially if you have to enforce those on someone who refuses to acknowledge them.  When I established boundries, my exBPDgf used them against me, perverting my intentions.  It's up to us to care for ourselves.  Our friends and family, along with those on this board can offer support, but we are the ones who own our lives and our behaviors. 

I'm thankful that when I noticed these types of behaviors in myself that I went for help.  My T marvels over my willingness and ability to change.  If you don't acknowledge the issues you won't ever change.  Hang in there, the road is rocky, but it is only a season of your life. 

[insideoutside]

Thanks all.

My chest still feels heavy; I'm still ruminating hugely and I know I need to stop as its bringing me down.  Is a beautiful hot day in the UK today and whilst I'm at work sat behind a desk I'm finding myself staring out at the blue sky and wondering what he's doing/ who he's with.  I find I'm worse during warm days; rain brings relief for some reason.

Part of me is angry at myself for getting angry and responding to him in a hurtful cruel way as he's been upfront and honest about his mental health issues and kept asking me to remember how unwell he is but at the same time I think he's 48 years of age; he knows right from wrong and can't help feel he uses his illness to his advantage at times.  I could be wrong though.  It's just sad that it's ended this way; over nothing in my eyes.  

I tell you what I'm struggling with; the thought of never speaking to him and hearing his voice ever again.