Help

[3Hearts]

I am the biological mother of a 31 year old daughter who I believe has BPD but has not been diagnosed.  She is smart beautiful, strong and resourceful.  She has two siblings who do not seem to be affected.  They are all adults. 

I believe it is very significant that she is a surviving twin of vanishing twin syndrome.  I have been able to find a decent amount of information on the syndrome but haven't found a resource for assistance, especially in our area.

I'm so sad, so confused, and so lost.  I truly cannot imagine how she feels and we can't seem to talk.  She blames me or everything... .and mean everything from her childhood on.  I am just starting to understand a little about this disorder and why our communication is ineffective and always ends in a screaming match. 

Does anyone have knowledge of he vanishing twin piece of the puzzle or any encouragement for me?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Is she aware of her vanishing twin?  To understand where she might be coming from empirically would be a good place to start. 

[ravenstar]

I don't know anything about vanishing twins... what I do know is that with BPD's it's all about how they PERCEIVE things.

Their perceptions of life and interactions with others are skewed and they react very defensively to everything. Sometimes I think several people are in my daughter, but it's the mood swings that make it look that way. She can cycle in hours, sometimes minutes from angry, sad, despondent, happy and joking and back to raging... .it's very confusing to us who are less reactive.

I hope that helps 

[3Hearts]

She is aware of the twin but does not believe it is significant  I am just beginning to start understanding this disease  I have an appointment with a counsellor today which I pray will be helpful.  I did not know anything about this before, trying to understand that is about her perception of things.  How does this ever get better? 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi 3Hearts:   
Sorry about the problems with your daughter.  Were you aware that you were pregnant with twins from the start of your pregnancy?  At what point was the twin lost?

You may already be aware of the website below.  Someone from the UK conducted a study regarding Vanishing Twin Syndrome and traits that resemble BPD.

www.wombtwin.com/wtsarticles-borderline/4580514969

What other BPD-like traits does your daughter have, in addition to emotional dysregulation? Has she ever been treated for any mental health issue before? (therapy or meds?)  Does she live on her own and hold a job?

Is your daughter receptive to going to therapy?  Not everyone with BPD behavior is the same, or has the exact same group of traits/issues.  I'm thinking it may be beneficial to start with a therapist that has experience with BPD, until you find one you think might be more suitable.  If you daughter doesn't have any memories or specific feelings about a twin at this time, then it might be helpful for her to gain some tools to deal with managing her emotions and learn healthy ways to self-soothe. 

If issues come out during therapy about a twin, then that could be explored in some way.