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What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
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Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
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Author Topic: I have to become independent again.  (Read 1271 times)
Meili
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #30 on: September 12, 2016, 09:46:18 AM »

It's good to hear that at least one of them was ok.

Watching people we care about implode and do self-destructive things is hard and it's hurts so badly. If cutting ties is what you need to protect yourself, then do so. It doesn't sound like the situation is getting any better. Is it?
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

foggydew
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: widowed/7 years
Posts: 371



« Reply #31 on: September 14, 2016, 03:47:47 PM »

Well, after a particularly awful, hurtful time, I am managing to back off a bit. I have told some closer friends that I need contact and their support, have kept myself busy, and a bit of stability is returning. Even acquaintances who saw us together at the weekend have been offering me support and telling me that these people are draining me - it seems for the first time that they are seeing that I am in difficulties and are offering friendship. It helps a lot. I can't do anything as an island in the middle of all these problems, I can't survive.
UBPD friend's relationship with this dreadful woman hurts a lot. I don't want to know anything about it, but keep getting confronted with it. I think he wants to continue our friendship, but is very unstable himself at the moment, and has a lot of problems to deal with caused by his drinking and losing his driver's licence at the weekend. I don't want to confuse him, so I have merely offered help if he needs it, and left it at that. It isn't the time for demands or decisions on either side, that will come.
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Meili
********
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #32 on: September 15, 2016, 10:24:28 AM »

It's good to hear that you're finding support from friends in your time of need. Having a support network in place helps a lot to deal with all of the emotions that come from these types of relationships. It also sounds like they are validating you which has to feel good.

Have you tried establishing a boundary in which you refuse to talk to him about the other woman since it causes you distress?
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foggydew
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: widowed/7 years
Posts: 371



« Reply #33 on: September 16, 2016, 01:30:47 AM »

Meili, thanks again. I'm feeling much better now, have started to eat again, so I feel physically better, and have made an appointment with a new therapist for Monday. I don't so much mind that uBPD friend talks about his female friend, but I don't want to have to spend time with her or them both together. I'm a pretty tolerant person but she is really beyond everything... she threatens people, even poor souls she doesn't know, and is someone I wouldn't normally even contemplate dealing with. Really poison. Friend rang up last night, and Meili, I told him that she is his business, but I want nothing to do with her, and I don't want her to have a key to his flat if I am staying there. I don't want her to come into my flat either. He understood (or said so) and was pretty normal to me for a change. We are going to go to a language course together again.
This is/has been so complicated... .my own unresolved problems exacerbated by pretty malignant BPD behaviour. It really has nearly pushed me over the edge. But the contact here, and the support from people around me has helped (I felt so invisible before) so that I think I can get back to being me... .with my ideals and values. I talked to my SIL who agrees with me that uBPD friend has really many good qualities and that our family-type relationship is positive for us both. She deals with similar people a lot in her work. She told me a therapist colleague had told her that BPD sufferers take so much energy and effort that even well balanced, trained therapists hesitate to take them on because they doubt their own ability to cope... .so I don't have to feel ashamed of becoming a bit unbalanced. (A bit!). It seems that I have a pattern of being able to cope for a long time, then just going into meltdown. Have to find out how to change that. But there seems to be a future... .and maybe this relationship will be saved. I certainly will.
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Meili
********
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2384


« Reply #34 on: September 16, 2016, 11:11:51 AM »

That all sounds so positive! You sound so much better than when you first started posting. You should be so very proud of yourself for having the strength to survive all of this!

It's great to hear that he was receptive to your boundary. I hope that he does not force you to enforce it. Have you given any thought to what will happen if he violates it?

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foggydew
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Relationship status: widowed/7 years
Posts: 371



« Reply #35 on: September 16, 2016, 04:32:18 PM »

Well, I think he gave it a go tonight, although only on the phone. He called, and just told me everything again that he told me yesterday, no real reason to call. I asked him how he was going to spend the evening, and he was evasive, so I said, with your girlfriend then. And he said, yes, she has just arrived. Well, either she has a key, or he called me when she was already there, and spoke to me in a language she doesn't know. Nice behaviour. If it continues I will withdraw my finances (which he needs right now). I will also make it clear that he may not use me to upset her.
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