Engaged, BPD mom, drama

[Littleicecream]

So this is my first post here. 

I'm a therapist and I found a long time ago my mom has BPD(since I can diagnose)  All the signs fit.  If you've read "Understanding the Borderline mother"  by Lawson,  she's a combo of waif, hermit and witch. My dad is the huntsman. I was always a combo of the no-good child and the All-good child. 

I'm getting married this year and I feel my parents are both starting to emotionally harm me.  My mom didn't not involve herself in my wedding planning until she recently visited me. She complained I didn't involve her enough.  Her excuse was she was too busy.  It's hypocritical I know.

Her being  involvee means putting conditions on the money spent (I need her support w it,  I'm working in nonprofits). And constant ultimatums that she won't come to my wedding (I've dealt with those by saying it's her chocoe). She started putting ultimatums on me and my fiance in regards to rehearsal dinner location(fiance's parents supporting that part financially) .  When confronted vy my fiance,  she immediately switched into the waif and victim.  After she left,  she spent two weeks calling me telling me how bad my fiance was to her and how could I be with him etc. I finally asked her to stop,  after my stomach started hurting. 

It's been less than a month but we are now in the "you're better than him" phase.  Both my parents are now teaming up against him,  and focusing on his negative qualities (which I've accepted).  My mom and dad are now angry because his family asked me to sign a prenup... .And this has made them more irritating to me.

I just need some guidance to how yall ever dealt with the engagement process and how to handle it so I can keep my sanity.  I can't deal with my parents being so negative about my fiance,  because then I  start seeing him negatively too. It's ruining my engagement and my relationship with then

 

[keepingcalm]

Hi littleicecream, thank you for your post.

I went through something similar with a uBPD sister and BPD-traits mum at the time of my engagement and wedding day and I can say it was not easy at all. 

The thing I found helpful was to see a Family Systems therapist with my fiancee. Initially monthly, and then weekly in the lead up to the wedding day. 8 sessions or thereabouts. It helped my fiancee understand the dynamics in my FOO better, and gave me some specific strategies to remain as non-reactive and steady as possible. It was enormously helpful and for the first time I felt very much in control of my reactions to them.  I was very clear what I wanted and I was aware of the power my parents held over me (as we are hardwired to want to please our parents, even when they are not acting in our best interests), and I was prepared to tolerate a level of stress and tension to have the type of day I wanted rather than placate their changing and unrelenting demands. 

The engagement and my decision not to ask my sister to be a bridesmaid brought up a lot of BPD behaviours in my mum, my dad supported her, and of course my sister was vitriolic and I suspect fueled the resentment further by saying things to my parents like 'she's changed since she met [my fiancee]'. The therapy helped me view it as my family's attempts to keep me in the longstanding, familiar but ultimately unhealthy dynamic they need to feel in control, and they saw my fiancee as someone who would take me away from that. Their anxiety at losing me/the dynamic was being expressed in bad behaviours and accusations.

They also tried to say negative things about my fiancee and his family, but I consciously put that in the category of BPD behaviours and was not swayed by their statements, resistance or tantrums.  It was not who was my fiancee was, it would have been leveled at anyone I chose to start my own family with.

My mother threatened not to come to our wedding and made vague comments about not being able to have a relationship with me anymore.  She did come on the day though and while it was not ideal that she was angry with me as she was antagonistic all the way through (and remains so 2 years later) I am still happy I did not subjugate my needs. 

If you are having doubts about getting married, try to separate them from the very hardwired impulse to listen to and heed our parents advice or to please them.   

I also wanted to commiserate as I know what it feels like to get mixed messages around how much your mum wants to or does not want to be involved in the planning.  I was between a rock and a hard place there.  One example was I went out and bought a second wedding dress after my mother complained she was not there when I bought the first one, but this was still not good enough because she did not feel I wanted her in the dress shop!

As much as you can, if you can in any way simplify your wedding so you are not under too much pressure financially, I think this would help. My BPD family have used money and favours as a way to consistently make me feel obligated and guilty. 

Could you see it as a hurdle to overcome in order to move from your FOO to your new family?  You have the power to construct the family you want and I guess the relationship being strong and healthy between you and your partner is the priority over having a stress free engagement and wedding day (although I do wish you a beautiful day)! All the best and thanks again for posting

[Littleicecream]

Thank you so much for your feedback.  It is getting increasingly hard to separate the drama that will always be there and what I want for a wedding.  At a certain point,  I do wonder if it is even worth all this drama.   

I'll look for some family systems therapists.   I feel it might be super helpful for him to understand me better.  And to become healthier. 

I'm debating maybe holding off on the weddingin order to be more financially stable.   

Thank you again,  i truly appreciate feeling less alone

[busybee1116]

My wedding was one of the biggest clues I had that something was wrong with my mother. I second keepingcalm in simplifying if you can. The fewer decisions there are, the fewer opinions there are and less drama. And a simpler wedding means less $ and less power plays over how you spend that money if the $ comes from disordered people. I also think therapy with your fiancé as keepincalm suggested is a fantastic idea. If you are on the same page with your fiancé/husband and you have shared goals, values and improved communication skills, you can weather the wedding and more drama to come. Weddings, babies, divorce, funerals... .they're like pressure cookers in families like ours! The wedding is your first big taste for how things can play out later.

[unicorn2014]

My parents did not contribute to my wedding at all .

My dad has a hands off policy when it comes to my relationships and this has caused me great grief. He has had it and has it to this day.

My mom split my first husband white and tells my fiancé things she won't tell me. For example I found out from him that she is having surgery next week.

I read that you need your mom's help in your wedding because you work at a nonprofit.

Is there anyway you can scale back your wedding so you don't need her help?

[Tiredbride313]

My engagement and wedding planning was the first time my parents turned their BPD/npd behavior on me. I agree with everyone here to simplify things as much as you can. If it means excluding your parents from the wedding planning process, so be it. The important thing is to have the celebration that you and your fiancé want. I began seeing a therapist and had very frequent visits up to the wedding. Some sessions I went to alone, and others my husband would join. Self care is also critical - massages, exercise, manicures, aromatherapy, whatever works for you.

It's really important at this stage to set boundaries of what behaviors you will and will not accept, and present a united front with your fiancé. This is the start of your lives together as your own family unit. As long as you're both on the same page and keep the doors of communication open, you two can weather this and anything else that comes your way. With time, you'll be able to figure out what kind of a relationship you can have with your parents.

Good luck - and keep your chin up. You're not alone. 

[Littleicecream]

Hey guys, just an update.

I haven't been on for a while to respond to this. I will say, I've just limited my moms involvement in the wedding. Our wedding is in a month and I feel something brewing but I'm trying to just be mindful. I definitely followed @tiredbride313 's advice and have been super taking care of myself. 

We've had less blow ups, due to the fact that I actually don't even try to have her understand my pov. I don't think she usually can, since she is limited in empathy. So our conversations are more or less shallow.  I've also been back on meds which help me be more in control of myself when she is raging.

I am really grateful to this forum- I always feel less alone... .Thank you guys!

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI LITTLEICECREAM  

Thanks for your update!  How exciting that the wedding is happening in a month.  I'm glad that you are taking care of yourself and not getting hung up on trying to understand your mom's point of view.  After all, it is your wedding.

The shallow conversations, sound like medium chill:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114204.0

✌.ʕʘ‿ʘʔ.✌  Hope you have a wonderful wedding without conflict!

Best Wishes

[Littleicecream]

Thanks Naughty Nibbler.

I'm reading about Medium Chill right now. Will do asap.

Had a sort of blow out with my dad regarding wedding, mom has made him feel like future MIL is the enemy. Future MIL wants to have sort of like a second reception so that she can invite everyone she knows, that way she respects my wishes on my wedding. Yay for Healthy MILs. Dad is not okay with this and has opinions on what I wear, what I do at this event. After this fight, I closed the phone politely ... .ended up talking to my brother and hardcore venting about the whole situation. Next morning, got a msg regarding another MIL request that is somewhat reasonable, that mom has a problem with. ughhh

I guess when I think about all the BPD stuff I've gone through as a result of her, I get so angry and sad. It's like recycled emotions over and over. Do you know of any posts about this stuff?

Thnks again!

[Naughty Nibbler]

I guess when I think about all the BPD stuff I've gone through as a result of her, I get so angry and sad. It's like recycled emotions over and over. Do you know of any posts about this stuff

This thread in the Learning Center area on MEMORY MGMT. - RUMINATIONS might be helpful.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;all

Is the 2nd reception that MIL is hosting on the same day as the wedding?

Is it typical for your father to get involved with what you wear?  What are his issue with what you plan to wear?