He 'stole' me

[Larmoyant]

I'm having a bad morning. The realisation that I allowed a severely disordered person so much control over my life has really hit me and makes me feel ill. It’s so hard to take in that I allowed him so much control to the point that I lost myself. He ‘stole’ me. It seems that he took all those things that make me who I am and then tore them to pieces. How do you relate to the world when there’s nothing left of you accept sadness, shame and fear. I was a people person, not overly extraverted, but people used to like me. I was introspective, but fun. Took pride in my work and worked hard. My personality, job, career plans, all trashed and I allowed this. I have little left, accept kindness and even that was tested.  How can I rebuild when there’s no pride left.

[JerryRG]

Hello Larmoyant

I'm kinda new and no expert but I do understand how your feeling. I think this way at times as well and I start to feel sick that I allowed this person, who was/is and may always be sick, have so much control.

These relationships just work out that way, my exgf was broken and I thought I could fix her. Giving her my heart and began putting my needs on the back burner.

I thought I could help her, fix her, love her into loving herself. I did all I could and she's still the same person today.

I realized I "gave" my ex my heart, she didn't steal it. I gave her my time, love, attention and care.

I was in control and I'm still in control of my choices today.

My power is inside me, where it always was and always will be.

I am a victum of no one and nothing.

I used to blame my exgf, ex wife, parents, friends, talent, my apperance, my intelligence, everything was in everyone else's control and my misery was their fault.

Not anymore.

I'm sorry you are hurting and these relationships suck, I know if you work hard on yourself,  you will get your power back and prevent anyone from taking it ever again.

I opened my heart to a metally ill person, I opened my home, my body, soul. She did all she knew how to do, took but had nothing to give back. I don't expect love from someone who don't know what love is.

This has been my experience,  you will get there, you are in the right place to get the help you need

[FallBack!Monster]

I don't expect love from someone who don't know what love is.

Larmoyant,
All I can say is, I wish I knew then what I know now. Look at it this way, that's not who you were. That's who you are. Your true self, the outgoing people's person is still you. No one can take that from you. Even if that's how you feel at the moment. But see, your eyes are now open and with a little time and work you'll be back to your old self. 

My ex tried to disappear me. At least that's how I felt. I hadn't even noticed that I took the attention off of me and onto her. I know I just kept feeling like I had to do something and I will soon get to it just as soon as I drop her off. That feeling went on for month's. Then when she finally decided to walk out of my life, I didn't know what to do with my self bc I had spent all that time doing things with her, for her.  Whenever we were not doing something for her,  that was my time to catch up on some sleep. Now I feel like she planned it. I know they say it's not planned. But that's how I feel. Tired me out so that when I wasn't with her she would know where I am; sleeping and now she can go do her thang.

Did anyone else feel like they kept putting off something? I know now that something was me, and my life.

[Moselle]

How can I rebuild when there’s no pride left.

Larmoyant. I feel a lot like this sometimes. Thanks for sharing . It's good to know that I'm not alone

It will get better. It just will. Life has a way of healing over time.

I think we are fortunate to have had experience of ourselves in a better time. I choose to look at that person as the adult me. And I am proud of that person.

The one who is currently going through such turmoil is my inner child. And I am learning to love that inner child.

When I have those difficult days I realise my inner child is dominant and i can consciously choose to soothe him, and switch to the adult.

Your job, career, plans will come back and one day you will look back at how better your life is, even than before.

[Larmoyant]

Thank you so much Jerry, FallBackMonster, Moselle,

I pulled myself together, called my therapist and she managed to fit me in for an appointment tomorrow. Some days are just really hard. Moselle, more and more I’m realising that somehow or other he triggered the wounded child in me causing more damage and that’s where I’m at now. I’m badly injured, but want to get well again. I’m going to explore this more so I can help myself.

[JerryRG]

Be good to yourself Larmoyant

You will learn to love yourself again, hug yourself and embrace the beautiful person you are right now.

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." - Oscar Wilde

Hope you feel better

  

[Moselle]

Moselle, more and more I’m realising that somehow or other he triggered the wounded child in me causing more damage and that’s where I’m at now. I’m badly injured, but want to get well again. I’m going to explore this more so I can help myself.

That's exactly what has happened. Put your arm around that child. Sense the vulnerability. That's okay. Be open to that vulnerability. Ironically this is the greatest gift of the BPD roller coaster. We become aware of/ gain access to our inner child again. And we can heal him/her through kindness and caring. Something we may have been short of, in our childhoods.

Have you looked at CoDA?  It has been a phenomenal help on my healing journey.

[JerryRG]

Be good to yourself Larmoyant

You will learn to love yourself again, hug yourself and embrace the beautiful person you are right now.

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." - Oscar Wilde

Hope you feel better

  

[Larmoyant]

I haven't looked at CoDA, but I will now, thanks Moselle and Jerry, what a lovely soul you are, thanks for the support.

[drained1996]

Larmoyant,

I feel your pain, as I too felt like I had the very essence of who I was ripped from my chest by my experience with my pwBPD.  It's very debilitating to give and receive not much other than mental and emotional abuse in return.  Your analogy that he "stole" you describes the process well.  With time and effort working on yourself you will allow those characteristics of you to return.  I know it doesn't seem like that at times, but trust your path and in time you'll notice YOU returning.  My turning point in my process was when the "us" left my thoughts, and "me" became my primary concern.  It wasn't a specific ah ha moment, it too was a process. 
We feel your pain, and are here anytime!     It will get better!

[lovenature]

Hi L

I can definitely relate to your feelings of being stolen and the intense pain like nothing you could ever fathom if you didn't live it.  
I became a broken down empty shell of a person, not functioning like I did when I was 10 years old. The extent to which I lost touch with reality and lost myself was something I never could have imagined, and along with learning why I have put others ahead of myself for so long and to such an extent has been extremely painful.

I am now over 8 months NC on my end; the pain gets worse before it gets better, but I can tell you that by shifting the focus from my ex. to me, and learning why I stayed in a BPD relationship and continually put her heart and feelings ahead of my own to the point of loosing myself has been very important in my healing.

Our minds know what happened, and any contact starts the ruminating, questioning, doubting what we know is reality. Very tough to align the head with the heart as well. The further out we get though, the clearer things become, and the more of our old selves return.
They say that the gift of the relationship is that we find out what we need to fix with ourselves so that we can have a healthy relationship in the future. So we can look forward to getting back the good parts of us, caring more about ourselves, and opening the possibility of greater happiness than we had before we met our ex.'s.