In relationship with BPD partner

[j9]

Hi,

I have been in a relationship with someone for almost 5 years. the relationship has been a complete roller coaster. He has not been diagnosed with BPD however I have been trying to come to terms with his behavior so I have looked up articles on what he might have and BPD is spot on. I have always felt he has some sort of mental issue.  everything that describes a BPD, describes what I have been through with him. extreme highs and lows. I need advise on what to do with the relationship, I am no longer even sure I love him anymore and i have been looking for ways to break up with him but when we are broken up I miss him so much. I may have some issues as well because I don't know why I have stayed. now that I feel he has this illness I feel bad for all the times I have been completely unsupportive. I need advise on whether to leave him once and for all and how I can come to terms with it accept it so I am at peace or do I give him an ultimatum and tell him he needs to get treatment to confirm his BPD.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi j9,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I can relate with the push / pull behavior from a pwBPD ( person with BPD ) it can feel like crazy making behavior. I'm glad that you decided to join the discussions, you'll find that you'll fit right in, many of us can relate with you.

We're not professionals and can't diagnose, what we can look at are BPD traits. Don't be hard on yourself, we have communication tools that will help your r/s and it also helps to have boundaries with a pwBPD.

I would suggest not to mention that he has BPD  because it may make the symptoms worst. He may also reject it and get offended, how would you feel if you someone told you that were mentally ill? BPD carries a stigma, mood disorders are accepted in society so suggesting that a loved one may be depressed, have anxiety or both may get a loved one to seek treatment.

We can't tell you what to do, you can always give the r/s tools a try?

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

Why are therapists hesitant to give a BPD diagnosis?

[j9]

Hi Mutt,

Thanks for replying. Yes I have read that I cant just tell him he has it and to seek help. We have issues regardless so I don't know if I should just tell him that we should see couples counseling but it would really be to evaluate him for the possible BPD. I have a daughter that he has basically raised since she was 4 years old. hes been wonderful to her. I feel I owe him in at least trying a little more in hopes therapy works. I really don't know what to do. I want to help him but I was really at the point of accepting we just aren't going to work (he has also expressed this but seems to never really go through with it) until I found he met all the BPD traits.

[Mutt]

Hi j9,

It sounds like you're going through a tough time. What are some of his behaviors that fit BPD criteria? How are your family and friends? Are they supportive?

[j9]

Hi Mutt,

Well, jealously, accusations. An example, my sister has been in a relationship with one of his friends for the same amount of time. So my bf and my sisters bf all have the same friends. whenever the friends (guys) are over my sisters house and I go over to be with my sister. he has jealous outbursts saying I want to have sex with them and that I only like to go over there because they are there. its caused me to have a limited relationship with my sister and we are very c lose. I have set limits but sometimes just to avoid confrontations or fights I will not go and hang out with her. Tonight for example I am having a small bbq with my girlfriends who are all in relationships and I am dreading telling him. I don't know if I should even invite him because he always sees something I do as being wrong. if I talk to someone (like a friends husband) he will feel like I am into him. its so exhausting and I just want to have a good time. but I know if I don't invite him he will feel like I am going to cheat. I don't know what to do about this. any advice?

[Mutt]

Hi j9,

I know what you're saying. My ex wife was jealous of my sister and I, we're close. I've known my sister for over 30 years, long before I met my ex wife. A pwBPD are hyper vigilant with rejection and are on high alert with perceived or real rejection.

I was avoidant with when my sister would invite me and the family and I would decline my sister's invites and was visiting her less and less. I think that it's good to surround yourself with people that love you unconditionally, if you take care of yourself often you become happier and the people around you are happier. We're not responsible with other people's feelings. I detested that walking on eggshells feelings around my ex wife


If you're asking me, I think that you probably want to go. I.suggest don't sacrifice doing something that you enjoy at the cost of someone else's insecurity. You can say that you want to.go and you already know that you're going to have backlash or don't say nothing and go. I.don't think that there's a right or wrong here, I think it's important that you do things that you enjoy.

[j9]

Thank you Mutt,

I actually texted him and invited him just to give him the reassurance that it is a simple get together and there is nothing wrong with that. But as I suspected he called me a liar and accused me wanting to go over there to be with his friends. I was calm and collected when he began to text that he is sick of me and that he is getting his stuff from my house after work. he told me not to text call or look for him and that this is the last time I will do this to him. He said he promises he is going to move on and not to get mad when I find out. I just said I understand how you might feel this is something that I am doing wrong but I can tell I am not doing anything wrong and there is nothing you should be worried about so I am inviting you to come with me. He twisted it and said that he couldn't believe that I am actually admitting I am wrong. wow, after reading and reading about BPD it didn't sting me like it has in the past because I know he has a serious issue. he continued to say that he is done with us and to understand this. i replied and said i understand how you feel but i don't feel there is anything wrong with what i am doing and i have invited you but if you want to break up because i am going to be with some friends then that's up to you. he continued to get angry and called me b***h so i ended the conversation. i don't know if this is the right way to handle it but i am actually glad i am not sobbing at his reaction like i usually do because i knew it was coming and now i understand why.

Mutt, what would your sister say about your relationship? unfortunately, my sister criticizes  me for staying with someone like him.

[Mutt]

I think that you handled it right, I would use less JADE but it's something that takes time to learn and you probably have not heard of JADE? He's acting on his feelings and judging reality on what he feels and not what is fact. That's BPD, feelings = facts and not fact followed by feelings.

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

wow, after reading and reading about BPD it didn't sting me like it has in the past because I know he has a serious issue.

I'm happy to hear that reading about BPD is helping you, it's actually recommended that we read as much as we can about BPD because there's a reason why a pwBPD act they way that they do and it's not personal to us, become indifferent to the behaviors and depersonalize them.  

Mutt, what would your sister say about your relationship? unfortunately, my sister criticizes  me for staying with someone like him.

I was married and my sister was trying to be supportive. I think that she was probably hurt seeing her brother going through what he was going through and I get the feeling that she kept some things to herself. She always helped me out when my ex would dysregulate and want me out of the house, so she always had a place for me to say, she didn't judge me. It was my marriage, it was between my ex wife and I and it had nothing to do with people that were outside looking in. Maybe your sister is frustrated that she can't help you? How do you about your sister critizing you?

[j9]

Hi j9,

I know what you're saying. My ex wife was jealous of my sister and I, we're close. I've known my sister for over 30 years, long before I met my ex wife. A pwBPD are hyper vigilant with rejection and are on high alert with perceived or real rejection.

I was avoidant with when my sister would invite me and the family and I would decline my sister's invites and was visiting her less and less. I think that it's good to surround yourself with people that love you unconditionally, if you take care of yourself often you become happier and the people around you are happier. We're not responsible with other people's feelings. I detested that walking on eggshells feelings around my ex wife


If you're asking me, I think that you probably want to go. I.suggest don't sacrifice doing something that you enjoy at the cost of someone else's insecurity. You can say that you want to.go and you already know that you're going to have backlash or don't say nothing and go. I.don't think that there's a right or wrong here, I think it's important that you do things that you enjoy.

[j9]

That's great that your sister supported you. I think my sister just wants me to be stronger than how weak she thinks ive been. shes right to some extent, ive tried to set boundaries but he somehow has always pulled me back into the roller coaster cycle. begging and pleading after we would break up to get back together. hes really been the only relationship i have had so i guess its hard. im not sure i may even have codependency issues. not sure. i am seeing a therapist on Monday. hopefully it will help.

how do you feel i should've responded? and not use JADE.

[Mutt]

Hi j9,

Does your sister understand what it's like when a pwBPD test your boundaries? It's no easy. To answer your question about JADE.

I just said I understand how you might feel this is something that I am doing wrong but I can tell I am not doing anything wrong and there is nothing you should be worried about so I am inviting you to come with me.

Say things once and let your words stand. You stated this twice. Explaining things a second, third, fourth time is a big target and it can a keep a person with a high conflict personality engaged in conflict. Negative attention is still attention? Don't justify, attack, defend or explain.

[j9]

wow, i didn't even realize you are right. i guess i responded in that way after reading to how i should validate his feelings. but i am new to this so i could've used that the wrong way. is there any advise you can give me with how to handle this with respect to keeping myself happy?

just a little background of his upbringing and how one of the major reasons he shows traits of BPD is that his biological father abandoned him as a baby. his mother then married again and had another son and daughter. his step father abused drugs and would beat his mother in front of them. his mother has expressed in the past that his step father also rejected him. so i don't really know how to deal with this without getting defensive but i am willing to do what it takes to live my life and be happy but also making if feel secure in the relationship. our relationship has been constant break ups and make ups. to be honest although i prefer the relationship to be normal i often get stuck in the moments when he pleading to get back together and that he is sorry and stupid. also last night i suggested therapy he said no, this morning i texted him telling him i was serious about it and he didn't respond. then all that i described to you happened when i invited him out with me and my friends.

he threatened to "move on" and that he's going to see other people. what should i respond to that?

[j9]

its likely my sister does not understand. i told her about it and she just says yup that's him. we haven't really spoken about it and i am sure she will say that its def time to leave.

[Mutt]

its likely my sister does not understand. i told her about it and she just says yup that's him. we haven't really spoken about it and i am sure she will say that its def time to leave.

It's your r/s, not your sister's only you can make that choice if your done or not.

You're right, validation is good. Validating someone's feeling is good regardless if the person suffers from BPD or not. For example I validate my son's feelings. If we plan on going out to the zoo I didn't check and it was a holiday, we arrive there and the zoo is closed we change plans to go to a planetarium and find that closed too and change plans again, well my son may of been really excited to go to the zoo and is set on it and doesn't understand that we can change plans and that's OK because life is about flexibility. Let's say that by the time that we reach the third place he has a tantrum, I didn't validate his feelings the first time and it was building up. That could possibly have been prevented had I validated his feelings at the zoo. That said, a pwBPD need a lot of validation but sometimes validation doesn't always work, so if you tried the tools and the tools are not working then that's all that you can do.

A pwBPD are born with no emotional skin and can't regulate or self sooth. In your exe's mind, he's likely thinking that he's being rejected by something as innocent as hanging out with friends. A pwBPD have an intense fear of rejection, so if validated it and he's emotionally dysregulated I would suggest to let it be and let him return this baseline on his own and not don't emotionally rescue him when he's dysregulated.

[j9]

ok sounds good because he just texted me calling me very nasty names because he said that his friends (guys) will be where i am going with my friends (my sisters house). i know he is lying, and then he follow up with saying he is going to the beach with his girlfriends. i guess he means friends that are girls. not sure. should i even respond?

[Mutt]

He's baiting. Don't respond 

[j9]

thank you so much mutt. you've truly helped me ease my concerns so that i am not overanalyzing or crying over why he is treating me this way. i am slowing starting to understand its actually him and not me as i have tried everything to try and go above and beyond for him. i hope you have a wonderful weekend i will message if anything else happens!

[Mutt]

I understand. It can feel lonely and isolated when we're going through an experience that people in real life don't get. Sometimes it looks or sounds like we're the crazy ones. You're not alone.

I hope that you have a wonderful weekend too!