Second Saturday, Local Support Groups

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I signed up for a Second Saturday workshop in my area. Since I've had the preliminary no-contact protective order, uBPDH has drained our two joint accounts. I assumed it would happen and based on my attorney's and T's advice I had already cancelled our credit cards. Still, it's one thing to expect it and another to see it. Just another piece of evidence this is going to be a long ordeal. I'd rather not rack up attorney fees asking questions others have gone through - should I close the joint accounts? What's the best way to get his name off joint non-bank accounts like electricity, phone, insurance... .

Has anyone else done Second Saturday? Other local support groups (local seems best since state laws differ)? I see DivorceCare but I'm worried it says it's a mission of a Christian church.

Thanks!

[uniquename]

I signed up for a Second Saturday workshop in my area. Since I've had the preliminary no-contact protective order, uBPDH has drained our two joint accounts. I assumed it would happen and based on my attorney's and T's advice I had already cancelled our credit cards. Still, it's one thing to expect it and another to see it. Just another piece of evidence this is going to be a long ordeal. I'd rather not rack up attorney fees asking questions others have gone through - should I close the joint accounts? What's the best way to get his name off joint non-bank accounts like electricity, phone, insurance... .

Has anyone else done Second Saturday? Other local support groups (local seems best since state laws differ)? I see DivorceCare but I'm worried it says it's a mission of a Christian church.

Thanks!

[david]

My ex endorsed a check that was written to me. It was clearly not my signature. It was a decent amount of money. She deposited it into a joint account and emptied the account when it cleared. I never got the money back.
I closed everything that was joint after that. At least I thought I did. I received a rejection later months later from our home owners insurance. Apparently, my then wife filed a claim stating that I emptied our house and made it look like she did it. She wanted the money from our homeowners. The letter said that unfortunately, since we were both on the homeowners insurance, you could not rob yourself and then make a claim. I had to read it three times before I could believe what I was reading. I had tears rolling down my eyes in laughter after that.

[uniquename]

So you're saying just ask my questions here, huh? :-) We've probably seen it all. Gonna put close joint accounts on my list... .

[david]

People with BPD are individuals but they do seem to have somewhat common behaviors. If you think about it, it does make sense. They have the same disorder, they need to exhibit 5 of 9 criteria, etc...
I have been on this site since around 2007 and most of the things I experienced have been written about by someone else too. Of course, there are slight differences but you will find common behaviors.
I used to try to understand it and the reasons why. I now accept that some people behave this way and just try to learn how I can best handle the situation and still help our two boys.
I live in Pa. and there is a grass roots organization known as face (family and children's equality). They deal with the legal aspects and are very helpful.
My ex filed for divorce and it took a little over three years to finalize. She delayed and dragged things out. I stayed focused on what I thought was best for our two boys.

[Kowalski]

I wish I had closed our joint accounts months ago. Because I didn't, in addition to other funds, UstbxBPD/NPDw even took the entirety of our son's savings account. She also racked up insufficient funds charges.

Close 'em. Close 'em quick. Close 'em ASAP.

[uniquename]

Thanks. Closed them all at one bank and the other I need to get the last $130 out first. Should be done today.

I'm curious - was the son's savings in his name? 16D has a joint account with me at the same institution as the ones I just closed. Worried he'll be able to get to it even though it's not in his name.

[Kowalski]

I'm curious - was the son's savings in his name? 16D has a joint account with me at the same institution as the ones I just closed. Worried he'll be able to get to it even though it's not in his name.


It was a joint savings account, so legally she was able to draw the money out. Morally though? And it won't look good for her if things go to court.

I doubt he'll be able to get to an account he has no access to. But then again, peace of mind is priceless and worth the trouble of moving money around to accounts he knows nothing about.

[ForeverDad]

Minors must have joint accounts.  If it's just you and your minor daughter, it should be okay since stbEx's name isn't on it.

However, if it's in a bank with his accounts or where he's known he might be able to bluff or con a teller/cashier to improperly say he could take it out.  You may feel safer banking in a bank or credit union where he has no history or accounts.

Joint credit card accounts are sometimes harder to close since some companies refuse to close them until they're paid off.  So you put it on hold and stbEx calls in and may get the hold released.

If you're a credit card account holder and stbEx is a card holder, you can cancel the card.  Similarly, if stbEx is a credit card account holder and you're a card holder, he can cancel the card.

Months from now when you're dealing with properties such as houses and vehicles, etc, you can get stuck when the court orders some action or resolution and Ex doesn't comply.  Family courts are known to make orders but it's often hard to enforce them.  Courts often give the person more time and repeated appearances before getting peeved at the noncompliance.  One way to avoid or minimize that risk is that if you have any sort of Leverage (maybe Ex is desperate for you to sign away your co-ownership of his beloved 4 wheel monster truck or something) then don't let go that Leverage until you get compliance on other things you need that he's probably going to drag his feet on.