How to get her back after you've been replaced

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As the title goes my xBPDgf replaced me some 6 months ago. In that time she repeatedly attempted to contact me with premise of wanting to be friends. A couple of times I cracked and said I wanted to be with her, asked her to leave the replacement, etc... .Of course this was met with pushing away. So I finally went full NC 2 months ago. She then contacted me with a how are you text a couple weeks ago. I gave a friendly reply, but nothing else. I didn't hear from her for a couple of weeks and I cracked and contacted her being friendly and comedic banter. And for all intense and purposes we are being friendly with each other. Fundamentally I want her back. I know what you are all going to say. I have made the decision and this is what I want. So I am just after people's suggestions/experiences in what helped in getting their xBPDgf back after they replaced you?

[Throw me a bone]

As the title goes my xBPDgf replaced me some 6 months ago. In that time she repeatedly attempted to contact me with premise of wanting to be friends. A couple of times I cracked and said I wanted to be with her, asked her to leave the replacement, etc... .Of course this was met with pushing away. So I finally went full NC 2 months ago. She then contacted me with a how are you text a couple weeks ago. I gave a friendly reply, but nothing else. I didn't hear from her for a couple of weeks and I cracked and contacted her being friendly and comedic banter. And for all intense and purposes we are being friendly with each other. Fundamentally I want her back. I know what you are all going to say. I have made the decision and this is what I want. So I am just after people's suggestions/experiences in what helped in getting their xBPDgf back after they replaced you?

[Meili]

Perhaps now is a good time to move to the "saving" board since you've decided to try to make this work.

To get your ex back after she's moved on is really all about applying the same things that attracted you to her in the first place.

The first thing that I'd suggest is start with being her friend. Drop all relationship talk. She's offered the friendship, start there. Let her, all on her own, realize that she still loves you. Become more attractive to her, like you were in the beginning. Show strength, confidence, and be interesting. It's a brand new relationship, treat it as such.

[jrharvey]

Before I learned about BPD I learned a lot about this kind of stuff. You don't want a friendship, you want a relationship. You cant force her. The best way is to lovingly tell her what you want and to let you know when she is ready for more than a friendship and say you wont accept being just friends. Then don't contact her again. Just say let me know when it doesn't work out with this guy. Then start seeing other people. The more you push her the more she will distance herself from you. If you move into friend zone you are pretty much dead. She will keep you around as the side guy or have you around just to give her ego boosts.

Just my opinion.

[HopefulDad]

pwBPD or not, trying to get an ex back is often a futile endeavor.  I know you said your decision was made, but I strongly recommend reconsidering it.  If you insist on wooing her back, please keep your dignity about it.

[Meili]

There are a few problems with that approach jrharvey. The most glaring being that she'll never have a chance to see any changes that have been made. So, what you have are two people who could not make a relationship work. One of them wants another chance and is unwilling to show any progress towards resolution of the issues that killed the relationship in the first place and is giving an ultimatum to the other.

Another problem is that friendship is, or at least should be, at the core of every romantic relationship. If you cannot be friends, then you have a huge problem. This becomes increasingly important when trust issues are involved.

 

[Icanteven]

So I am just after people's suggestions/experiences in what helped in getting their xBPDgf back after they replaced you?

Are you in good shape?  If not get there.  If you are pick something you've been interested in doing but haven't yet and do that.

How's work?  Take this time to focus on your job, bust your butt, get yourself a promotion in the next year.

What's your wardrobe look like?  Spoil yourself instead of her and buy some dope threads you feel comfortable in but that might be at the edge of your comfort zone.

Be a great friend to your squad.  This is a chance for #squadgoals to be a real thing in your life.  And, by hitting it hard with the team you're going to meet new women.  Guaranteed.  That one's a twofer.

What's her thing?  Find very small, very asexual gestures that will remind her of the good times in your relationship and send them to her.  

Make routine contact, and I don't mean texts; talk to her or her VM.  Find something interesting to talk about but keep it brief.  Two minutes or less.  "Hey I was at The Bowl today and I saw Our Favorite Band is coming next month.  A few of us are gonna go love to have you along no biggie let me know."  "Finally got to check out That New Restaurant that opened in my hood it is the best you should check it out."  Light.  Breezy.  Easy.  YOU end the conversation, not her.  Don't press. Don't keep her.  Show her you're being thoughtful, Not needy.

Social media is your friend but do not abuse it.  The goal is to create interest, not jealousy.  :)o post your team being awesome.  :)O NOT POST A SELFIE KISSING THE LEGGY BLONDE FROM THE ROOFTOP PARTY YOU WENT TO SATURDAY.  IOW, don't be a dick.  Put yourself in her shoes and ask how you'd feel if you saw a pic on IG/Twitter/Facebook and how you'd feel and let that be your guide.

All that said, caveat lector:  You can do every one of these things and it may not do anything to get her back.  The upshot is that by doing these things you will improve your life immeasurably and get a ton of shots to move on with someone awesome.  Last time I was single IG didn't really exist, or, at least, I didn't use it, so that one's from friends' experiences, but that was my cookbook.  60% of the time it worked every time.  IOW, YMMV.

[Waddams]

If you find yourself kissing a cute, leggy blonde, just keep the blonde to start with & don't worry about if your ex- sees kissy pics or not.

[Throw me a bone]

Thank you for the replies. I've always been at conflict with the two approaches suggested by jrharvey & meili. I never know if being friends first (as suggested by meili) or stating the facts and keeping silent until she is ready (as suggested by jrharvey) is the right approach. I've done all the personal work & keeping it going. It's wanting her to be a part of that now. I'm not being needy at all. Not initiating any contact. Only replying when she does. Making sure she is the last to contact and keeping it brief. Subtly showing I'm doing well without creating jealousy. Being fun and always leaving her in good spirits. She is re-idealising me for whatever that's worth & mirroring all the things she thinks I like.

[Lilyroze]

  Throw me a bone,

I think it is beautiful you have made a decision to try again in your relationship. Those ones are usually the ones that have such great chances as you are willing to try again for Love.
Meaning many relationships fail at this point as people keep in primitive NC if they feel they can't express love, or work at it, or say their needs. Perhaps what wasn't working before. Many that fail built walls and blame, where you are tearing down walls, and building a trust again and foundation. Just like a tree or plant growth it will take some time, patience, nurturing and taking out the weeds ( problems or hurt)

So you have now read, learned, and are using the tools. Your relationship will never be the same, it can only be better. As you are taking the time to look within, see where you needed some work possibly, how much you value her and letting her know by at least reaching out.

90% of relationship problems according to stats is due to communication so if I might suggest reading some books here perhaps. But also looking into your different love languages, and personality types so when you discuss things in future you both can see each others side.

Coming back to it you can rebuild on the love you had before the interests, things in common, hobbies and foundation. Make it a newer stronger one. To be honest it is a little harder then starting a new with someone, but so much more worth it. As you know it is love, care for each other and already were friends. Integrity, trust, honesty, love and friendship is what makes marriages or relationships successful. Really not more work, but at first will seem like it as there were some problems from before to resolve perhaps. If you both care and love then it only takes a little time to resolve and be back to the love and great foundation you had before, but well even stronger.

You have made a great start, keep in contact, and truly let her know you are there, care and she is important to you.

Is she still seeing someone else? How do you feel about that? Was your last contact good? Seems from what I read yes so far, just didn't know if you had an update. I wrote some on Meili's thread if you have a chance to review.

Good luck to you, stay to the path and keep going in love. It can work if you put effort, love and trust into it. Friendship is a great way to start but if she asks if you love her, and you feel she is ready I would make it known.

It's never too late to start over. If you weren't happy with yesterday, try something different today. Don't stay hurt or in the past. Move forward. Each day is a new beginning.

The only person you should strive to be better than, is the person you were yesterday, so don't compare yourself to the other person in her life. Shine for you. Make her see your love and devotion as well as great person you are.

”Be very careful what you set your heart upon, for you will surely have it.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

[Throw me a bone]

Thank you for the replies. Yes I am in contact and we are being friendly with each other. She is always initiating contact. She is still with my replacement. It doesn't sound like things are going well with them though. She has been telling me how much she has changed and how all her interests are the same as mine. The same interests she criticised me for when she left. She is re-idealising me. Telling me she learnt so much from being with me. I don't even know where to go with this. I wish I could be honest with how I felt, but I know it will only lead to her pushing me away. If I play it cool, calm and collected (as I have been) she will keep reaching out to me but with no real outcome. Just me giving her attention. What a head f... .k!

[Lilyroze]

Keep going and trying, it is better to try then to regret. I sent a something very special to the person in my life. I have not received a response yet, but see they do have the time to soothe others, be on medias with others and well that tells me a lot right there. To pour your heart and soul for apologies  when not all you, to many things to time given to others. I gave from the heart, tried from the heart and loved from the heart. I will not regret, but do need that as a woman back now.  Now I shall see what this says for me to do for me.  So I think it is good you are making a choice and trying to follow through even if just in friendship now, otherwise it is a loss. The Universe sees where you put your love and energy and so keep going the path. Reminder for myself to see where their energy is now, which is not with me.

I wish you the best.

[Meili]

Cool, calm, and collected is exactly the way to go. When you're comfortable with it, you might ask her out and see how it goes. Nothing pressuring or that lasts for hours. Just something simple like lunch or coffee. Test the waters so to speak. Oh, and don't call it a date. Just meeting to hang out or whatever.