Lost in all the Absurdity.

[RainClouds10]

My fiancé (and father to my unborn child) had a relationship (and a daughter) with a woman who has been FORMALLY diagnosed with BPD.

She retains full custody of their child despite losing THREE children to the state (CA) for neglect and threatening to kill them. We had supnoed her medical records and they are filled with holdings for threatening to hurt herself and others and for aggressive behavior. We obtained CPS records from the family that has 2/3 other children in their care. She had told my fiancé her other kids had died when they met.

She abused fiancé for years. She had stabbed him, pulled scissors and knives on him, slapped him around, assaulted him numerous times (one of which was in public and we have a police report when a 3rd party reported her to the police), and then she got pregnant. He stayed to protect his daughter from her mother. I have my opinions on how he handled this situation but it is irrelevant as what happened has happened.

He called 911 on her to get the police to come help him, as she was violently attacking him. They arrested fiancé and said he was beating her. This has been on court ongoing for nearly a year. What's more, she had him arrested again on charges that allegedly happened a 8 mos before she filed including: 2 counts of rape, assault with a deadly weapon (he ran her over with his car *eyeroll*),  and another charge of domestic violence. The lawyers have rolled both these cases into one.

I'm so stressed out for many reasons. If my fiancé is going to go to jail or be around to raise our child.

The neglect BPD EX already is inflicting on my stepdaughter, which is too numerous to detail but: inappropriate clothing to weather conditions, dirty with noticeable odor, diaper rash that has come and gone for nearly a year of which most recently a staph infection, a concussion in BPD Ex's care which needed emergency medical treatment, purposefully feeding her foods that are known allergens to the child, insisting she be vegetarian with noticeable weight loss, etc. we've documented and documented. Called CPS and they just don't care. It doesn't matter that she's done this exact same thing to three other children.

And I'm genuinely afraid and so is fiancé she is going to flip out when she finds out I'm pregnant. If. I no longer go to pick up and drop offs. But I'm honestly scared. She knows where we live. She's threatened to have someone "take care of me" before. She's made false accusations against me in family court. She has ton of animosity toward me and genuinely wants to see fiancé and I burn to the ground. I live in fear that one day she is going to show up to our house.

Also the court system is off its freaking minds! Fiancé has always taken a third party with him for pick up/drop off to protect himself and they met at a police station. Since she doesn't drive she couldn't afford to meet at the police station so they meet at the corner coffee shop to her house. Originally both were to bring 3rd parties. She gave up on hers but fiancé continued to bring his. She told the judge that I threaten her as well as she is afraid of his mom (who is his primary 3rd party for exchanges) and they told them he has to go alone. This is a woman who has a RO against him and is saying he ran her over with his freaking car! And she wants to be alone with him and the judge said OK! Are they batsh*t insane? So now he is technically in contempt of court every single time he brings a third party with him for exchanges. So I'm waiting for the day she shows up with the police to have him arrested again.

I'm sorry for the long rant, I just feel nobody understands what I'm going through. I literally have a crazy person destroying my fiancé's life, neglecting an innocent child, and trying to bully me anyway she can.

Oh- one last thing. Is it typical of BPD people to make it anyone but their fault? With my stepdaughter anything dad has complained about she makes it my stepdaughters fault. Who is two btw.

"She has another diaper rash because she picked out the Dora explorer soap and broke out in hives." ... .when child has extremely sensitive skin.
"She's all sticky and dirty because the apartment manger gave her a lollipop." ... .when dad asked why she was allowing her to have sugar (and agreed upon "no" she repeated that she didn't give it to her the property manager did.
"This is her lunch," fiancé saying he's not feeding a two year old Burger King onion rings for lunch "she picked them out. It's what she wanted."
Step daughter coming to us extremely dehydrated (for about the 9th documented time) and bringing it up to her "well I don't give her juice and she won't drink water. So if she's thirsty it's her own fault." It's called cashew milk (dairy allergy) moron.

And my favorite: "that's not a staph infection (was medically diagnosed by a doctor) she just scratches herself because she has autism." And then on the next visit proceeded to say how she scheduled a doctor appointment and they confirmed she had autism. She's two and most certainly does not have autism.

Again sorry for the rant, I feel so alone and helpless.

[ForeverDad]

In addition to everything else — she does appear to be virtually Histrionic, check out that PD — I get a suspicion she could have some Factitious By Proxy traits.  Previously it was known as Munchausen's By Proxy.  It may not be anything more the her Blaming and Blame Shifting, but might want to check that additional possibility out.

[david]

If you are not allowed to bring a third party for pick ups I would get a recording device to make sure you have proof to protect you.
In order to succeed in court you have to learn the rules of the game and use them to your advantage. The rules are not fair, do not have to make sense, can be counter intuitive, can be bat**** crazy. However, that is the way the court system works ?
Mental illness is not a reason to remove kids from a household. The behaviors associated with the illness are if they endanger the welfare of the child. You have to have proof of the behaviors. He said/she said is not strong enough proof. Documenting things and having a paper trail over a period of months will help. I would find out how she lost the three children to the state and follow that method since it has already worked. You just have to modify it so fiance gets the child and not the state.
You need a good criminal attorney to handle the criminal charges. I was arrested for assault and had my family attorney take care of it. She assured me she could do it. I was found guilty of disorderly conduct and put in jail for two weeks. I interviewed a bunch of attorneys afterwards and they looked up the court docket and said what happened to me didn't make any sense and that I should have had a criminal attorney.

[RainClouds10]

In addition to everything else — she does appear to be virtually Histrionic, check out that PD — I get a suspicion she could have some Factitious By Proxy traits.  Previously it was known as Munchausen's By Proxy.  It may not be anything more the her Blaming and Blame Shifting, but might want to check that additional possibility out.

I have brought that up to fiancé before but thanks for also confirming her behavior is suspicious. This child has had scabies, then didn't have scabies. Has had chicken pox, then turned out not to be chicken pox. Had a tethered spine and then turned out not to have a tethered spine. Now the big thigh is autism. There is literally always something wrong with this child *eyeroll*. Why can't her mom just let her be a happy toddler? It drives me insane. Why would you want something wrong with her? It makes no sense.

[RainClouds10]

If you are not allowed to bring a third party for pick ups I would get a recording device to make sure you have proof to protect you.
In order to succeed in court you have to learn the rules of the game and use them to your advantage. The rules are not fair, do not have to make sense, can be counter intuitive, can be bat**** crazy. However, that is the way the court system works ?
Mental illness is not a reason to remove kids from a household. The behaviors associated with the illness are if they endanger the welfare of the child. You have to have proof of the behaviors. He said/she said is not strong enough proof. Documenting things and having a paper trail over a period of months will help. I would find out how she lost the three children to the state and follow that method since it has already worked. You just have to modify it so fiance gets the child and not the state.
You need a good criminal attorney to handle the criminal charges. I was arrested for assault and had my family attorney take care of it. She assured me she could do it. I was found guilty of disorderly conduct and put in jail for two weeks. I interviewed a bunch of attorneys afterwards and they looked up the court docket and said what happened to me didn't make any sense and that I should have had a criminal attorney.

She lost her other kids for neglecting them and threatening to kill them.  We already have the CPS records for 2/3 of the other children provided to us by the family that has them. The other one the father has custody of and he's not as eager to get involved with helping us out yet.

We do have a very expensive criminal lawyer that is burdensome to our finances. We have a private investagator. We've spent over $105,000 so far with criminal and family lawyers. Another stressful factor on our lives.

Thanks for the idea of the recording device. That's actually really geniu and I'm going to suggest that to fiancé. She says absurd ___ all the time so maybe it would be helpful in that regard as well.

We aren't going by a he said/she said at all. We have picture documented proof of rashes, dirty condition she arrived in, matted hair, texts where she's said she's fed her certain things which is why she has diarreah (she has a few food allergies), medical records for visits for dehydration and rashes, etc etc.

She has not threatened to hurt my stepdaughter but why does she get to threaten to kill all her other kids and that's OK? If I worked at a daycare and threatened to kill one of the children I'd never be allowed to work at a daycare again. It's so frustrating.

[david]

Recording may be illegal in your state. It is illegal in my state but I do it anyway. It can't be used in court but I can use it when the police show so I don't get arrested, custody evaluators, social workers, etc.

[Thunderstruck]

Ohhhh RainClouds10... .I feel your pain. I have been through some very "absurd" situations with my SD's uBPDbm. Three restraining orders, multiple CPS allegations (against us). Her latest accusation is that we are cyberbullying/stalking her, and she sends us our state's statute on harassment.

uBPDbm gave away her other two children. She used SD and the FOG to manipulate my DH for 8 years while he was trying to stick around and make it work to "take care of SD". It was ugly. We're still trying for primary custody of SD (right now we have 50/50) and it's been four years since DH initially filed.

I have brought that up to fiancé before but thanks for also confirming her behavior is suspicious. This child has had scabies, then didn't have scabies. Has had chicken pox, then turned out not to be chicken pox. Had a tethered spine and then turned out not to have a tethered spine. Now the big thigh is autism. There is literally always something wrong with this child *eyeroll*. Why can't her mom just let her be a happy toddler? It drives me insane. Why would you want something wrong with her? It makes no sense.

My SD supposedly has OCD (according to uBPDbm). Every time SD gets a cold her mom says it is "allergies" and gives her allergy medication. I have no idea why she does this! We could go to the doctor and get an allergy test to disprove uBPDbm's allergy claim, but DH doesn't want to subject SD to unnecessarily getting stabbed by those needles. 

And yes, blameshifting is very typical for those with BPD. It's alllllways someone else's "fault".

Recording may be illegal in your state. It is illegal in my state but I do it anyway. It can't be used in court but I can use it when the police show so I don't get arrested, custody evaluators, social workers, etc.

In my state you can record whatever you want in public. That's part of the reason why we insist on exchanges at the police station. Plus the police stations are monitored (cameras) and you can request an officer be there for exchanges (we've done that a few times, around when uBPDbm was filing false restraining orders). Do you think DF should request an officer to help with exchanges?

Can DF do third party exchanges where he doesn't have to be around BPDbm at all?