Cant fix it all alone

[Oncebitten]

ok so here is my story for those that haven't followed me around here.  Been on multiple boards and to be honest probably should have started here and stayed.

Been with my gf for over a year, love her dearly.  It has always been a little rocky but we have always made it work.  A couple of months ago we had a big fight. Broke up and I thought we were over.  I was out one night and met a woman at the bar.  I was upset and lonely.  She was interested in me and available.   I spent some time with her.   A couple of weeks later my ex called me and wanted to talk.  We decided to give it another try.  I told the other girl what was going on and she understood and we haven't spoken or seen one another since.   

I elected not to tell my gf right away, she found out later from a mutual friend and has taken issue with it since.  She has yet to forgive me for "cheating".  I have done everything in my power to help her overcome this issue.   

We have made tremendous progress and have gotten the relationship back on stable ground.  But if anything negative happens... .anything.  It causes those bad feelings for me to come up which leads to an argument, accusations, and silent treatment for days.

I love her and still want to continue on with her but at this point I am at a loss of what to do.  I know she needs time and space from me to heal. But when I grant her that it is followed with being accused of using that time away from her to spend time with someone else.

Not sure how to proceed at this point.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[FallBack!Monster]

Not sure how to proceed at this point.

Not long ago i was asking myself the exact same questions you have here.

Then I asked me this.
Can I get pass her cheating? Can I get pass the fact that there's always going to be something or somebody? Can I get pass the pathological lying? Can I let her back in? Can I deal with all of this and still love her.  My answer was yes. But she could never have me the way she had me and that's the part that is mostly troublesome to me. 

I'm glad my ex gave me the time to heal.  I needed that time and so did she. However, we never got back together.  Lets just say, she has moved on and on and on.

But this is how you should proceed.  You've been posting here and have even given great advise to others.  I read something earlier that was posted on this forum in 2007.  In 2007 it seems that people who were going through what you are going through, heck! what we're all going through, were more honest with their replies.  Whenever you have time, go back and read the old stuff.  I actually enjoy it more than today's stuff.  I'm going to try it anyway.

Go with what you feel.  Follow your heart but ultimately you have to do what is best for you.  What you can live with.  What makes you happy.  Maybe you are not ready to detach but you may have to, until you're ready do what you think is best for you right now.

If you need time, take the time don't worry about her.  If she loves you as much as you have stated I guess you will both be back together before you know it.  If not, you still have to do what's best for you. 

Think about this... .You still want to be with her but you want a better situation than the current one.  How are you going to accomplish that if she's not giving you a chance to make it a better one?
Can you really deal with being heart broken over and over and over again? if so, more power to you.

I wish you the best.  I also wish you future love and happiness. 

[Notwendy]

Oncebitten,

I don't think it is possible to "make" someone get over something or stop being concerned about it. I think that this is the side of her feelings- and she has control over them, not you. If you have done all you can do on your part- not sure that you have done anything wrong on your part if you were broken up. But if you have explained and said you would be faithful to her in the relationship- that is all you can do- it's her part to decide and let it go or not.

Your part is to decide that the episode is over for you, and there is nothing left to discuss. It happened, it's over, not sure it is even cheating if the two of you were broken up. You can also decide if you want to continue a relationship where she hold on to this. Because it is her choice to do so.

I think being accused of cheating is not an infrequent thing. My H has done this, without a smidgen of evidence ( there is none) but he will find something to focus on as evidence. He doesn't outright ask me but I can tell by the questions. Once I was home late from a meeting- the weather was bad and I drove slowly. "Were there any men there?" was the greeting when I got home. A high school reunion would end up with " you payed attention to him" ( an old friend who I haven't seen in years). Somehow talking to a guy in the presence of his wife, and kids ( and my family) in a room full of people was "cheating".

The point being- "cheating" seems to be broader than the actual definition when feelings and fears are concerned. Perhaps these incidences were related to a fear of a partner cheating, which I think we all do from time to time. Then, feeling the fear is real- one can scan for "evidence"- she was home late, she smiled at him.

In your case, there is a bit if evidence of some sort, so when she does have this fear, this is something concrete to bring up. But is it?

I was quite distraught at these accusations, and when accused, JADED to try to fix things. However, since the accusation was based on the fear/feeling of being cheated on, not actual fact, no explanation or discussion could change someone else's feelings. I also looked back on some other things I was accused of - and that I took the accusations to heart- but they weren't true. As to JADEing, I learned that if something isn't true, then we don't have to defend it. In fact, defending it gives it energy.

Here's the situation. People not in a relationship have the choice to see other people. If there isn't cheating, then there isn't anything to defend.

I can't change someone else's feelings or fears, but since I stopped JADEing when accused, the accusations have diminished. What helps me stay grounded is that, I know that I haven't cheated and someone accusing me doesn't change what I know. Honestly, from my opinion- if you saw that woman when you believed the relationship was over- you didn't cheat. You can believe that. Once you have explained/understand how upset this can be for her,  but it is over. ( which I am sure you have done already )You can stop feeling guilty or apologetic for something you didn't do. The rest is up to her.

[Oncebitten]

notwendy

thanks for the input.  I really dont know what else to do to make the situation better.  There is no evidence that I am still involved with the other woman (because I am not).  When my ex contacted me after we broke up I made it very clear to the other woman that I was still in love with her.  She understood, told me she even knew it was obvious.  I told her I couldn't see her anymore because I wanted to try and fix things with my ex.  We parted ways and haven't spoken since. 

I have apologized and was sincere in it.  I just want to give the r/s another try. 

My question is how do I not JADE when she keeps bringing it up and attacking me with it?  Do i just listen?  She accuses me and I tell her there is nothing going on. She says I know you still see her and I say no I am not and haven't. 

Not sure how to handle her when she keeps coming at me with the same stuff over and over.   I try and validate her feelings.  But she doesn't stop. 

[Meili]

Have you looked at the workshop about how to Stop Accusations and Blaming?

Have you established a boundary and terminated the conversation when she starts to accuse you of things?

Have you tried to change the tenor and tone of the discussion by validating something else valid in what she is saying thus redirecting the focus of the discussion?

I know that it's really hard to do those things. Both you and I have felt compelled to allow our respective exes to vent their frustration about past events in hopes of decreasing the power of the event. I don't think that worked well for either of us. It's time for you to change tactics, use different tools, and change the dynamic. You are in control of that.

As long as you continue to focus on her, trying to keep her from being responsible for her own feelings, and to fix everything for her; the dynamic will not change. Looking at yourself and what you've done that perpetuates the bad behavior may be the key for you here. You reward her each and every time that she does this to you by feeding her projections. When you stop feeding them, they no longer will have the effect that she's looking for and she'll be forced to make a change.

Get out of the corners of the Karpman Drama Triangle and take the power away from her.

As you know, if she truly loves you, she'll continue with you along your journey. She may push back at first, and you'll have to be prepared for that to happen, but once she get used to the changes that will decrease.

You are not alone in this. I know that you'd rather have her helping you, but until she's ready and willing to do that, you have us. We're here to help and support you for as long as you want.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, OB,

You put that well: No, you can't fix it all alone.

I suggest you put your energy where your power is, i.e., in the things over which you have control and have the ability to change.  Suggest you let things go that are beyond your power to change.  When in doubt, you might consult the Serenity Prayer.   

This may sound counter-intuitive but I've found that sometimes letting go of the outcome is the key to bringing about the outcome.  In other words, it's more about the process than the end product, if that makes sense.  If this sounds Zen-like, that's because it is!

LuckyJim

[Meili]

That's a very good point LJ! If you surrender control of the outcome and focus on what you have the power to control, you'll find yourself further ahead and less stressed.

[Oncebitten]

Hey LJ

good to hear from you... .i like the zen approach.  there's an old joke about a woman being like a refrigerator unfortunately you cant fix things with a woman no matter how hard you try if she isn't on board with it.  thats all i have done is try... .so maybe i should let the universe have this one and see what it brings back to me