I love you. I can never love you.

[Ashur]

Yea cold at the doctor. The visit is about a hour from her place. She stayed on her phone the whole time. Then when She did get off she turned up the radio and was leaning far away from me. She barely said two words to me so far.we are in the doc room waiting for her to show up. I told her I wanted to be there for her and she said well I told you I don't love you
 So Idk what to do. Last night she told me she did love me wanted to work things out and wanted t marry me. Today nothing. I feel like a used taxi driver

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

The push/pull is really difficult to deal with. I don't know her, but I can guess that the dr. appt. is a trigger for her. That level of reality and intimacy can't be easy for her.

When the push/pull starts, I try to just stay grounded and center myself. I remind myself that it really isn't about me. Has that worked for you with any level of success?

Sending good thoughts into the universe for you.

[Ashur]

So it just got bad enough that I am sitting in the car with her son. We have the air on so we are ok. Today is a bad day for her and maybe you are right this visit did something
 She snapped as we left Her house Her son was crying so she reached back and smacked his legs. In the room I told her flat out that I loved her like I have never loved anyone before and she said well yea Idk. My emotions started to flip and I know my triggers so I told her I'd take little man and meet her in the car she has blood work left to do. But I knew with me on the edge of a melt down I would be no help.

You are right maybe She is using me or worse... .and maybe it's my issues that I keep trying. First reason is I really do love her with all that I am. Second I love Her kids. Thrid I don't want my child in a broke home.

As far as the bad ex thing. I don't know the truth on everything. I admit and more then likely she is making it worse some places then what it was... .but the state just offer him 15 years for what he did to her.

I feel like melting away. Just disappearing

[Meili]

I'm glad to hear that you removed yourself from the situation before it got any worse.

If I may ask, why do you keep reminding her that you love her?

Something that I've had to acknowledge is that my reminding my x of my feelings for her did nothing but reward her for her bad behavior and make me her doormat. Until a few days ago, she thought that she could do anything that she wanted for as long as she wanted and I'd still be waiting for her. Her shock and dismay that resulted from my telling her differently caught me completely off-guard. Do you think that perhaps you are setting up a similar dynamic in your situation?

[Fr4nz]

Ashur, did you consider that, perhaps, you're codependent?

[Ashur]

I think that yes I a. Co depended and I am setting up the same patterns.

The ride home was night and day. We laughed talked and she told me she dis love me and is grateful for me. But she scared I will flip on her and if we fight like really fight try to take her kids. She said all She wants is some time away to make sure she misses me.

I know there is no one else in te picture for two reasons 1) she isn't into sex like at all 2) She told me and I believe her... .if I don't want to be with you right not trust me I don't want anyone they can't compare

We have parted ways for the day her o get hr daughter and me to go home and meditate.

I am the type of person who tells my friend I love them as well. You just never know when something bad wi happen and you can never tell them again.

I am so grateful for you guys you all are wonderful

[Fr4nz]

I know there is no one else in te picture for two reasons 1) she isn't into sex like at all 2) She told me and I believe her... .if I don't want to be with you right not trust me I don't want anyone they can't compare.

Ashur,

trust me... .these are the typical phrases that BPDs repeat across different relationship... ."you're the one", you're unique", "you're the best", etc. Happened to me as well, as to many other users of this forum. It's like a plot they repeat in every serious relationship they have, with the difference that BPDs are really convinced of this -- at least in the first months of a relationship.

Indeed, in the first months of a r/s you have what it's called the BPD's "hyper-idealization", so, in a certain sense we can say that they really think you are "the one"; however, as time goes by and reality sets in, these words become more and more a tool to keep you attached, since for BPDs a romantic attachment is everything -- it completes their own deficient selves, hence losing a romantic attachment represents an utter tragedy.

Obviously, on a pure logical level, it is clear you are indeed a wonderful person; this is absolutely evident from your words, actions and what you are enduring to NOT lose her. However - in the BPD typical logic - these qualities of yours count little and little as soon as you enter the so-called "clinging/devaluation" phases.

Be assured that I don't want to scare you, I'm just telling you the typical dynamic observed in BPD relationships, so that you have realistic expectations.

A bug hug!

[Ashur]

Thank you for the insight. I went home to have some personal time. To reflex and center. However my self found inter Zen garden was soon stomped out. She called yelling into the phone. When I finally claimed her down I found out it was about her car ac. It has been broke and I told her I'd fix fix it When she came to the house. I mean All my tools are in my shed. Well she says she is going to slam her car into this building. So now... .if you guessed I am at her house working on her ac in the rain you are a winner. I told her that I am trying to help her. That she can't keep talking to or treating me thus way. Her first reply was I yelled at the auto zone guy too. I told her verbatim I didn't give a ___ about that guy that I am talking about us and if this happens again then I think the best thing for us to do is drift apart. So we shall see what comes next

[livednlearned]

I am talking about us and if this happens again then I think the best thing for us to do is drift apart.

BPD is fundamentally about having a lack of trust. ^^This approach isn't going to help build trust 

Let's see if we can help you with a change strategy.

Often, too, her feelings can be traced back to shame, which is a pretty tough feeling to regulate, no matter who you are. She will feel these feelings more acutely, and have a harder time making sense of them, and often they aren't about you, they're about her. She feels inadequate, incompetent, isolated. People with BPD don't do a lot of reality testing when they feel dysregulated, so we have to acknowledge their feelings (build trust), and then offer our attention in a constructive way.

You have a lot of tools and language to use, it takes time to learn them and that's what we're to help you with.

When she blows up at you about the AC, or whatever isn't working, a way to respond might be, "I can tell you're angry. I started to feel it when you walked through the door, and I understand feeling frustrated when things don't work. Most people feel that way." Then let her know how you feel, "When you do x, I feel y. Can you think of why I was waiting to help work on your AC?"

Get her to focus on alternative intentions or explanations. She is in rigid, inflexible thinking and the goal is to help her regulate and see other perspectives.

If she is really dysregulated, it's best to ask for a break and tell her you'd like to talk about it and help her later when both of you are able to work through things in a more calm manner. You can even hold up your hand (without being aggressive) and gently but firmly address how you feel too distressed to continue talking about it at that moment.

[Ashur]

Sorry I have been gone for a few days.

I have started to do what you said when she blows up. It seems to help at first I think she got madder cause she didn't know what to do.

U visited my T yesterday. We are going to work on a few things... .boundaries, being less passive, and we are going to start the rewind tech. To help deal with the Ptsd.

She also said that maybe my pwBPD should sorta of restart and set very clear goals for each other and ourselves. And see how we'll they match up which you guys have told me all this as well. I just need to put it in to action.

Then I asked her when does a person just cash in and walk. And she said that is up to the person but it should come down to how much is good vs bad. Right now I'd say 50-50. If you total in all our time. And about respect. I don't always feel respected. I asked my x to tell me what she feels is respect.

So her and I left it at this. We will not talk until next weekend. We are planning a real date then. But nothing is set in stone. I know I need the break and I guess she does well.

I will be doing the double disassociated reflective Tec. During this week to real look at the whole of her and I. Maybe this will clear up my mind.

Again thank you all

[Meili]

That sounds like wonderful progress Ashur! I'm very happy for you and hope that you keep the forward momentum. 

Please keep us posted on how things are going.

[ashur2]

Hey guys. I can't log into my other account.
So an update. I took her on a date it was ok. We have plans to hang out tonight with some of my friends. Annld for her birthday next month I sprung for a private concert. Just her and I and the music act. Set me back a pretty penny. We are getting a hot room. But she asked for one with 2 beds Justin case. At work more later

[Lilyroze]

  Ashur,


Thanks for the update. Wondering how you were doing? How is everything with your SO? How did your last date go? How are the kids with everything? Finally how are your goals and business doing?

Hope all is well and sending you blessings. Remember fall can be a great time for remodeling businesses. Keep going and believe. Have faith. Put energy into your business and it will come back.

LR