Breaking NC?

[ninjacat]

I haven't posted in a while because things have been going fairly well for me.  I went LC with my uBPD Mom several years ago and eventually went VLC and then NC about a year ago.  I never made a statement about going no contact or asking her not to contact me- I just kept limiting my communication, not calling or visiting, etc.  It took years to get here but I'm happy and relatively stress-free.

Recently, I got a guilt-laden message on FB from my mother.  She requested an explanation for my lack of contact, asked if she was such a terrible mother, what she ever did, etc.  Less than 24 hours later, I got a text from her (at a quarter to 6 in the morning) "in case I wasn't checking/didn't get her FB message."  This one was a little more pathetic and asked if this was my way of walking away from her for good.  I do feel a bit guilty and I don't know what to do.

On one hand, she has, for the most part, respected my VLC/NC.  The last time I saw her was last summer when I brought the kids to see her for the day.  She was good with them and pretty good with me, only guilting me the last half hour or so by begging me to set a time for another visit.  I know she misses me and my kids (5 and 8 years old) and I feel terrible because we are finally to a point where she is respecting my boundaries to a reasonable degree.

On the other hand, she is a violent, mean person who hurt me for practically my entire life.  All of my important memories from childhood and adulthood (like wedding, birth of my children, etc.) have been ruined by her and her crazy actions.  I can't depend on her- on the contrary, if I am in a weakened state, she pounces on me, trying to take advantage.  She belittles me, hurts me on purpose and ignores my wishes when it comes to my kids.  I don't like being around her and I don't trust her with my children.  Not to mention, from the time of LC to now, she hasn't attempted any contact with my kids and that really bothers me.  I know that sounds odd but this isn't something she is doing to respect a set boundary- I've never told her not to contact me or the kids.  So, by not sending birthday cards or messages, Christmas cards (Christmas presents to them stopped when I wouldn't bring them to her house for Christmas anymore), etc. it feels like this is her trying to punish me through them... .she has done this before, ignoring them or refusing hugs when we're fighting.

With that being said, I'm not sure how to proceed.  Should I continue NC and just ignore her messages?  Or should I respond honestly in hopes that I can officially go NC?  I'm afraid regardless because I don't know how she'll respond... .I want to say it'll be ok because my sister lives close to her and she spends a lot of time with them- meaning, I don't think she'll do anything violent for fear of losing them.  But with her, you never know.  She's taken VLC/NC fairly well but I know that any option that includes smoothing things over will involve a visit or call and I don't want to go there.  Any advice?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI ninjacat:  

Sorry about your dilemma about contact.  It can be a tough decision to make.  I can certainly understand your desire to stay away from drama and abuse.

my sister lives close to her and she spends a lot of time with them- meaning, I don't think she'll do anything violent for fear of losing them.  But with her, you never know.

Has your mom treated you and your sister differently?  Have you been the one painted black? Have you had a discussion with your sister about you possibly resuming contact with your mom?  :)oes your sister understand your reason for NC?

You might weigh out your options, pros and cons and then make a decision.  If you opt to get back in tough, to some degree, decide what your boundaries will be and be firm with them.  One boundary might be to leave at the first sign of a rage, or rant of put downs (should you pay her a visit).  

Typically, any form of texting or spontaneous social media (to include Facebook) are recipes for disaster.  If you respond, maybe an email or an old fashioned written letter might be the way to go.  Facebook and Text wars can get very nasty.  Not to say that she won't launch a chain of emails, but it might slow her down.  If you choose a letter with a stamp, then the brakes are applied.

She requested an explanation for my lack of contact, asked if she was such a terrible mother, what she ever did, etc.

Have you ever tried to tell her your reasons?  

The holidays are around the corner.  If you decide to resume LC, perhaps you might join in on an event where you can see your mom and sister at the same time.

Check out the links in the thread below.  "Responding to BPD Provocations by David M. Allen M.D.".  I took a peek at the first link (first part of the series) and it seems to speaks to your current situation.  There are several links to a a series of articles that Dr. Allen wrote for Psychology Today.  You might find it helpful with making your decision.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280765.msg12653204#msg12653204

It can be a tough decision, but remember if you choose to resume LC, you always have the option to go back to NC.

[Kwamina]

Hi ninjacat ,

Decisions about going or maintaining VLC/NC are often quite difficult. Based on your past experiences I would say it definitely makes sense that you are concerned about your mother's behavior and how she would treat your kids. Boundaries are very important as they help us protect and preserve our own well-being.

No matter how you decide to move forward with the relationship with your mother, it might help to take a look at some resources about dealing with hostile or difficult communication. Naughty  Nibbler has already shared some resources with you and here are some more:

Stopping circular arguments: Don't J.A.D.E (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)

Dealing with hostile e-mails, texts etc.: Keep it B.I.F.F. (Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil), Firm

Are you familiar with J.A.D.E. and B.I.F.F.?

If you were to decide to resume contact with your mother, there are also several techniques for structured communication that can be very helpful such as S.E.T. and D.E.A.R.M.A.N.

Decisions like this are very difficult but I think preparing yourself by reading through these resources can definitely help you in your decision process.

Take care

The Board Parrot

[vmsh]

Yes, decisions to go NC are very hard.  Do what you feel is best for you and your family.  As the others said, you can always re-establish contact or find another way that works for you.  If it doesn't work for her, that's her problem, not yours.  I had to decide to do that several years ago.  Just when I think this time she will be better, she attacks me.  She should be glad we are having any type of contact, but unless I am in her face 24/7 and she is controlling me, it's not enough for her.  So before we can attempt to get close again, she blows it.  I guess it comes down to how many times you or I can keep going back.

My thoughts are with you as I know how difficult this is for you.  Whatever you decide, stay strong!