Struggling to let go of her

[lostnlonelydee]

Hello everyone,

I've been reading through these forums for a while now. I'm feeling lost and wanting to give up, figured it couldn't hurt sharing my story as well. I don't really know where to begin, apologies if this gets too long... .

My xBPDgf and I moved in together shortly after my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (we'd been together about 2 years at the time). She's not diagnosed as borderline, but has many traits of a BPD waif, which I realised after the split. She suffered abuse as a child, narcissist father, possibly BPD mother, not an easy childhood from what she's told me.

From my side, I now realise my parents relationship probably had quite a large role in me picking and staying with my ex. An unhappy and worried mother, forever trying to save my reckless not always available father. Lots of fighting, me growing up as a confidant to my mom and a mediator to some degree.

We weren't in our new house long before things started to go bad. She joined a gym near us, and started spending 6 days a week there, as well as nights as she wanted to become a trainer (I'm sure the application forms are still in her car somewhere, not filled out). I discovered she and her 'coach' were sending each other messages frequently. It wasn't the first case of her talking to guys. It happened previously, but I guess I told myself it wasn't anything serious, that she had a lot of issues and it was her way of feeling better about herself. As long as it wasn't anything more than that, it wouldn't be a problem (feel like such an idiot typing this).

As I became more concerned, I made her show me her conversations - first one I saw was her referring to me as her "f***ing boyfriend" because I had a problem with her spending day and night at the gym, and him referring to her as "angel". Big blow up, with her asking if I wanted her to leave... .That's exactly what should have happened, but I didn't want to lose her. Of course that behavior carried on, and despite her covering her tracks more I discovered flirty conversations with other guys. Social media did not help our relationship  I tried to enforce some boundaries about the gym, which did seem to help, but I was a paranoid mess already by that stage.

During the time together I was smoking cannabis daily and to excess. Not realising it then, but obviously it was a way to numb the pain of watching my father waste away, and to try and pretend my partner wasn't behaving the way she was. Didn't help my paranoia and obsessive thoughts... .I became a codependent enabler, trying to solve all of her problems, ignoring my own. I've struggled with social anxiety most of my life, and during this time I regressed and didn't want to leave the house much. I know she felt unsupported, and that I should have made more effort for her work events/family functions. Not to say I wasn't present at all, but it obviously wasn't enough. I also lost my temper repeatedly with her immature behavior, criticized her (not nearly as much as myself), screamed at her, and generally screwed things up by being worried about who she was on the phone with, where she was etc. I also managed to stuff up my business in this time, and I'm currently just floating along.

She initiated the break up, but we stayed together for month before splitting and kept doing bf/gf things... .Sex was always incredible with her, and I couldn't resist her - her response to me saying maybe we shouldn't was "why not?". I never thought I'd be the one to end up hurt by it :/ After we moved out, we kept talking, saw each other and slept with each other for about a month. I actually felt relief at not having to deal with drama constantly. That was until she 'needed space'. I begged for her back, then begged for closure, but she refused to see me. I later found out through her gym coach's ex of 12 years (her and the coach split because of the messaging and her paranoia about what was going on too), that she was supposedly seeing someone else, and that her ex was involved with someone else too. I told gym coach's ex I'd seen him with the new woman previously, and that obviously made it back to my ex as I was blocked everywhere the next day.

I determined to stick to NC, deleted thousands of photos and videos, packed away gifts, threw away cards and notes. Attempted to follow all the break up advice I could, learned about BPD which made so much sense in the context of the r/s, felt sorry for her instead of fuming mad, figured I was moving on... .After 4 weeks of NC she sent me a message asking about her rollerblades (which i knew i didn't have). Replied, but was very much to the point, didn't encourage anything. A week later I got another message that was a sort of explanation for the way things ended, she'd heard about what I said but wasn't "going to get mad or whatever", and a claim that contrary to what people say she is alone and working on her issues, I'm a good guy and she never wanted to hurt me, i deserve someone special, she's sure that I must feel used and that I hate her but she just thought she'd try. Found myself unblocked and looked at her fb profile pic (bad move, she's gorgeous). I wanted to reply, but forced myself to wait to show the message to my psychologist who of course advised me against it. His assessment of the message was that it was full of hooks to get me back into the savior role, she was playing the martyr.

That was 6 weeks ago, and all I seem to do is miss her. I've tried looking into my childhood and my parents relationship. It would be a lot easier if my dad was still here. I've had some realisations, but they don't seem to help me with moving on. She's the first thing on my mind when I wake up, I want her to be safe and loved and want her to know that I don't hate her. I keep kicking myself for my screw ups in the relationship, wishing I could have been a better partner and maybe not pushed her away. I keep thinking about her last message and if I should have replied, keep wishing she'd call or send me another message. I was in such a good, happy space before this r/s. Logic seems to do nothing to help, my heart is broken and its craving her. Have thought of reaching out, but she obviously doesn't want to be with me, I'll no doubt end up feeling worse.

Sorry for this massive first post, any advice would be appreciated, I just can't seem to let go of her  

[Sadly]

Dear Lostandlonelydee
I feel your pain. I also miss my partner and crave his love. The difference being, I am still entangled with him. Believe me there is something worse than being lost and lonely without them and that is lost and lonely with them. You are very brave and strong, even though you don't think you are. You will find so much love and understanding on these boards, you are in the right place now.
Love and best wishes for your healing.
Sadly. X

[JJacks0]

Hello,

Sorry to hear you're struggling so much. I'm up right now wrestling with the same issues. I don't know how much advice I have for you, but I can definitely relate and feel your pain. I am about 1 month into NC with my ex and miss her terribly, dream of her nightly and think of her as soon as I wake up.

Like you, I have a lot of regrets and wish that I had done things differently in my r/s... .yet I know (well, I'm pretty sure) that if I were to reach out to her now, nothing would be different. It's too soon, at least for us. And it sounds like the same for you, if you believe that contact would make you end up feeling worse.

You say that she obviously doesn't want to be with you. If you thought she did, would you reciprocate? Would you want to become involved again or are you looking for something else?

I'm so tempted to talk to my ex as well, but if the feelings were mutual, I think she would find a reason to contact me. As much as it hurts me to remain in NC, I think it would hurt more to be rejected again. The best advice that I have been given at this time is to focus on self-improvement - that way if she did come back I would either a) be confident in my detachment and decision to move on, or b) have developed better skills in order to communicate with her more efficiently and have a better chance of improving whatever type of r/s did transpire.

It's very difficult, and undoubtedly a rollercoaster. Some days are much harder than others. But the more I've read and reread the advice from people on these boards, it does make a lot of sense to focus on ourselves right now. At first it really frustrated me to hear that, but looking back on the r/s everything was so cyclical - why would it be any different now? It wouldn't be, unless at least one of us made a significant change. I can't count on that being her, so I need to work on me. And I think it helps to think about what you'd hope to get out of interacting with your ex as well. I know I won't be comfortable reaching out to mine until I know that no matter what the reaction is, I'll be okay. Right now another bad conversation would just set me further back, and I can't afford to start from scratch again.

Like I said, I am probably in no position to be dishing out advice, but these are just a few pieces of wisdom I've taken from others, that seem to fit your situation as well.

[lostnlonelydee]

Thank you both for your replies Sadly and JJacks.

I've told myself a thousand times I'm better off without her. She's said it often enough too. I guess my hope was that she would take time to work on herself and become more self aware, learn to control her impulses, and grow up a bit. That was before I learned about BPD, and I really wish I knew about it while we were together.

Again, logically I know she isn't good for me. I've read so many people say be glad if you aren't being contacted by your ex, its a blessing. I just miss my best friend, and feel like I must be so insignificant to be dropped so easily, while I suffer with my heart bleeding for her. I guess this is intensified by the knowledge that I'm longing for someone who could treat me so badly. I guess I was abused in a way. I don't know if she cheated physically, but emotionally that seems obvious.

If she did want to get back together, made a real apology, and seemed to be committed to actually working on issues/going to therapy, I would probably disappoint everyone in my life and try it again with her. But she's gone and seems to be glad to be free, I don't expect I'll ever hear from her again after I ignored her message.

I have been trying to better myself. Writing in my journal, trying to look at who I am and why I am, who I want to be. Physically I'm in the best shape of my life. But as you say Jacks, its a rollercoaster, and some days it just doesn't seem worth it. Really struggling to get my work life in order, seems so pointless

I think I'm scared to leave a place open for her later down the line, just want it done and forgotten. Typing this has helped me feel a bit of relief today, thanks for both being so welcoming.

 

[drained1996]

 

Welcome lostnlonelydee,

You have found a safe place to share your story and learn from the lessons here, as well as the experiences of others.  I see you are already feeling the benefits from sharing which is a good step.  Note on the right side towards the top of this page there are lessons and readings you may find helpful--->

I feel your pain as I too had longings for my exBPD for an extended amount of time.  Like you, even when I knew she wasn't good for me, that would not stop the desire.  Eventually my process showed me ways to deal with and understand those feelings.  I also see a therapist which has been paramount to my understanding of many things in life, and how they have affected me.  Again, like you, my father passed away within the last year, that, on top of dealing with my pwBPD was all very stressful and debilitating at times.  Like JJacks0 stated, working on yourself is a great place to start, and it sounds like you are on that path.  After all, if you can't love you, how could you expect anyone else to?
Do your best not to get too down on yourself, as there will be times in your process that would allow such.  Just know you are not alone in stumbling as we all have in our journeys.  I promise, there is light at the end of the tunnel, and it will get better.
What would you like to gain from having found us here at bpdfamily?  
We look forward to hearing more from you, and we are here anytime!  

[lostnlonelydee]

Thank you drained. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your father and your troubles with your ex, but glad that it seems you've made it through to the other side. I had so many months to prepare for my dad's death, but a year later I've still not fully processed it. So difficult to experience, on top of trying to save a dysfunctional relationship every day. Despite our turbulent relationship, he's really the one person I'd like to speak to and get insight from about this situation. So many things still left unsaid between us, I miss him terribly  

The truth is that I don't love myself, and I'm not sure if I ever have. I learned to pretend that I'm strong, that I don't need anyone, that I'm self sufficient in the extreme. I know this is learned from my mom, who obviously hated my father and loved him at the same time. I learned to hate him growing up, and now that I'm grown up, I'm so much like him... .It really hurts digging through the past, but I hope that I eventually will make progress and it will be worth it.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain here. Mostly I think it helps just hearing about other peoples experiences, and realising that while I might not be totally sane, I'm not off the deep end crazy... .I'm not the only one who allowed someone to mistreat me, and that there are reasons for it. It also seems a safe space to not be judged too harshly.

I will work through those lessons, and I think I need to learn more about codependency, avoiding making similar mistakes down the line. I have forced myself to try and meet new people, two lunch dates down, I'm glad I've had those experiences (will most likely see one of them again), but I do fear I'm addicted to the intensity of my past relationship. As I'm sure was the same for many of us, looking into the eyes of my exBPD seemed to connect to something deep inside of myself. Such a beautiful girl, that has been through so much pain in her life. I have to learn its not my responsibility to fix her, that I am not able to even if it was, and also that she doesn't want my help.

[drained1996]

lostnlonelydee,

I see we share many similarities in our struggles as FOO (family of origin) did and still does play a key role in my understanding and continued process.  Like you I had plenty of time to "prepare" for my father's passing which is closing in on a year now, and like you, I wish he were around to discuss things.  :)igging can be painful yes, but the understanding I received in doing so has given me insight into my own being... .how I am the way I am, and how I may better manage me and my reactions to certain things now and in the future.  

The part about loving yourself, it's been so long for me, I'm not sure I remember loving myself the way I do now either.  I know my process began to shift when I began to think about ME... .and not the us... .as in my pwBPD and me.  It was not a light switch moment, but rather a longer process that enabled me to think less about the us and more about ME over time.  The more time passed, the more about Me the process became.  I struggled with depression, and had to make myself do some things that I didn't find comfortable... .something as simple as going to work and focusing for 30 minutes straight.  Same thing with being social... .and I found the more I did these things, the more my comfort zone expanded.  

You have found a safe haven here, where you may share, learn, and not be judged.  And you certainly are not off the deep end crazy... .you've just been exposed to deep end crazy (your BPDex) and that takes a toll on our mental and emotional well being.  This is a place for knowledge and understanding, grieving, sharing, and healing.  

Your last sentence:
"I have to learn its not my responsibility to fix her, that I am not able to even if it was, and also that she doesn't want my help."

This shows me you're beginning to understand the magnitude of the illness.  You're correct it's not something we can fix.  Radical Acceptance of this and many other issues in my life has been a major milestone in my journey to be happy in life.  I'll try to find a link to Radical Acceptance and post it for you.  

We are here, keep sharing your thoughts and feelings!  It does get better, we promise!  

[lostnlonelydee]

So instead of listening to the everyone's advice, I got her number and sent her a message. She replied hours later, and then at 2 in the morning. Obviously she is very okay with being away from me, enjoying herself. I thankfully didn't pour my heart out or anything, but signed off my last message with an xoxo - what an idiot  Sorry guys, I just had to tell someone or type it out. Wish i could disappear into blackness and never wake up. Why do I still love someone who doesn't give a damn about me

[JJacks0]

Don't be too hard on yourself. Going NC is incredibly difficult. I did the same thing on 7/29. Didn't get the response I had hoped for, and that was when it really hit me. I had to take a big step back. Now I feel like she needs to reach out to me, I've put myself out there enough and can't handle anymore rejection at this point.


How exactly did she respond to you? Just not in the way you had hoped? Why are you so sure she's enjoying herself?

[drained1996]

lostnlonelydee,

It's ok man, it really is ok.  I reached out countless times and have experienced the same feelings going through your mind, body and soul.  Don't beat yourself up, as it is perfectly normal to breach the boundary of NC. 

"Why do I still love someone who doesn't give a damn about me?"

This is a rumination I personally struggled with for an extended period of time.  Of course I felt love for her, as we had a 4 year relationship, but I also noted an empty feeling.  That feeling was what made me think of her constantly.  That feeling got a name in my therapists office one session.  I asked "why do I still miss her and want to be with her?"  His reply was simple:  "it has nothing to do with her, that's your loneliness... .that's your issue that needs to be worked on and figured out."
I didn't really react at the time, but did ponder it before my next visit.  He was correct, I was lonely, and what of course would my human mind think about but the last connection I had to fill that void.  We reach back to the most recent time of not having that empty feeling... .which leads us to them, only it's not them we miss, just the feeling, the feeling of not being lonely. 
I had to process this many times, and just let my feelings and emotions roll through me, and as they did, I would remind myself, this is my issue, I need to handle this.  I would remind myself it wasn't her I missed, as my logical side would know this, but my emotional side would argue.  Over time, my logic won, and I knew I didn't want to fill the void loneliness caused with my toxic ex... .I knew I wanted more, better... .more than that, I deserved more and better.  The next questions came, and began with, "how do I get there?"  The answer... .through ME... .and my path straightened... .and became more clear... .
It does get better, keep posting and let us know how you are feeling and doing.  We are here for you 

[Icanteven]

Your last sentence:
"I have to learn its not my responsibility to fix her, that I am not able to even if it was, and also that she doesn't want my help."
This shows me you're beginning to understand the magnitude of the illness.  You're correct it's not something we can fix.  

bearsrepeating.jpeg

In the words of J Cole, don't save her, she don't wanna be saved. 

Obviously she is very okay with being away from me, enjoying herself.

Maybe.  Maybe not.  My wife was on Instagram with her best girlfriends one night with a million dollar smile on her face and everyone beaming and saying how great she looked and blah blah blah.  And at 2 am my phone rang and she was in tears telling me how lonely she was.  You don't know.  You can't. 

Wish i could disappear into blackness and never wake up. Why do I still love someone who doesn't give a damn about me

Two things:
1)  Use every resource you can to get through this.  Lean on your remaining family.  Your friends.  Get therapy.  Get on meds if your psych doc thinks it's appropriate. Go to support groups.  Post your butt off on this website.  Exercise.  You are your priority right now and just you; the dark urges you describe are not to be trifled with. 
2)  You love someone.  It doesn't matter that she doesn't give a damn.  It wouldn't have mattered if she had ghosted.  Or cheated.  Or taken her life.  Or physically harmed you.  It. doesn't. matter.  YOU love her and it would be strange if you didn't.  I have a girlfriend whose husband beat her and cheated on her and she still has fond memories of him and they've been divorced for a decade.  In her heart she wishes he could have been the man he aspired to be, and even now it's hard because they have children together so she can't escape his orbit.  It's too soon for you not to love her. 

My T said it best:  most people come into the office and say "I don't love them any more" and it's all bulls*t and a facade; you freely admit that you love someone who tore your guts out and that self-awareness and vulnerability are a hell of a lot better foundation than projection and denial.  I think that applies in spades in your case.

[Sadly]

Ok sweetheart, so hot off the press. I am reading/writing this alone, in my bed. It is 7.30 in the evening and after a lovely day planning next week, staying in a river bank cottage, fishing, working on my boat, he is downstairs, re heating the beautiful meal I have just cooked us in the microwave. I can hear it! Me, I can't eat, he, is drunk and doesn't give a sh*t. Welcome to the BPD world. He turned on an instant. Vile. Right now, he thinks he's enjoying himself, in the morning, he will be one of two things. Sorry ( unlikely) or p*ssed off with me cos it's all my fault. In the morning I will be one of three things, sorry, ( unlikely) as I am stretched to breaking point and didn't do anything wrong, forgiving, he was drunk and didn't mean it, or, determined, I really have had enough. Hope it's the 3rd option.
Listen to the guys here, it really really is ok, I have given in so many times and thought I was a failure, no one here judges or makes you feel a failure. We are human, not infallible. One day head will rule heart and it won't hurt so much. Loads of people here can vouch for this, it's what I am hanging onto. Be strong, be here and hang on in there. X

[lostnlonelydee]

Thank you all for your replies and advice.

How exactly did she respond to you? Just not in the way you had hoped? Why are you so sure she's enjoying herself?

I messaged her saying I'd heard a song that reminded me of her, and asked her how she was (I have fond memories of her singing it while hanging out a long time ago). She replied saying "cool" she'd listened to it that morning, "yes, all is good", and asked how i was... .Told her I always preferred her vocals to the artists, I was well, just missing my father. She said something like "Haha yeah says you. I'm sorry. I know its that time of year. You guys are in my thoughts". That was at 2am. I replied later that morning "oh please, we both know you were made for the stage", said i had a busy morning, hope she had a good day and wished her luck if she had any marking left, xoxo (she's a teacher about to start a new term)... .And that was that. I'm not sure what I wanted to hear, or if I would have been better or worse off if she didn't reply, or replied in a nasty way... .

How do I know she's enjoying herself... .One of my friends is cousins with my ex's 'sort of best' friend. He told me he was stalking her on fb and he sees the two of them are going out all the time... .He of course also updated me on his other cousin seeing my ex at her new gym, and what a nice f*** she looks like... .I've since asked my friend to keep news of my ex to himself. Idiot :/ I should really move away from this town, its too small, too many connections back to her.

lostnlonelydee,

It's ok man, it really is ok.  I reached out countless times and have experienced the same feelings going through your mind, body and soul.  :)on't beat yourself up, as it is perfectly normal to breach the boundary of NC.  

"Why do I still love someone who doesn't give a damn about me?"

This is a rumination I personally struggled with for an extended period of time.  Of course I felt love for her, as we had a 4 year relationship, but I also noted an empty feeling.  That feeling was what made me think of her constantly.  That feeling got a name in my therapists office one session.  I asked "why do I still miss her and want to be with her?"  His reply was simple:  "it has nothing to do with her, that's your loneliness... .that's your issue that needs to be worked on and figured out."
I didn't really react at the time, but did ponder it before my next visit.  He was correct, I was lonely, and what of course would my human mind think about but the last connection I had to fill that void.  We reach back to the most recent time of not having that empty feeling... .which leads us to them, only it's not them we miss, just the feeling, the feeling of not being lonely.  
I had to process this many times, and just let my feelings and emotions roll through me, and as they did, I would remind myself, this is my issue, I need to handle this.  I would remind myself it wasn't her I missed, as my logical side would know this, but my emotional side would argue.  Over time, my logic won, and I knew I didn't want to fill the void loneliness caused with my toxic ex... .I knew I wanted more, better... .more than that, I deserved more and better.  The next questions came, and began with, "how do I get there?"  The answer... .through ME... .and my path straightened... .and became more clear... .
It does get better, keep posting and let us know how you are feeling and doing.  We are here for you  

Thank you for that dude. It reminded me that my T said exactly the same thing to me. The feelings are not about her, they are about me. I feel a bit despondent, I think because I seem to make progress and start saying to myself "hey, you're making it through this", goes okay for a few days and then bang its back in full force. Woke up this morning having dreamed about discussing with my ex if she had slept with the two guys (the dream version of her said she had). She told me before NC that she was toxic, and we were toxic together. I told her then I didn't believe that, but obviously she was right... .I keep falling in and out of writing in my journal, and I've put off going to see my T again for too long. I try to remind myself of who I was before we started seeing each other. I was happy being on my own, making good money, confident in who I was and f*** whoever didn't like it. Feel like I'm not that same person anymore, but he must be in there somewhere :/

Your last sentence:
"I have to learn its not my responsibility to fix her, that I am not able to even if it was, and also that she doesn't want my help."
This shows me you're beginning to understand the magnitude of the illness.  You're correct it's not something we can fix.  

bearsrepeating.jpeg

In the words of J Cole, don't save her, she don't wanna be saved.  

Obviously she is very okay with being away from me, enjoying herself.

Maybe.  Maybe not.  My wife was on Instagram with her best girlfriends one night with a million dollar smile on her face and everyone beaming and saying how great she looked and blah blah blah.  And at 2 am my phone rang and she was in tears telling me how lonely she was.  You don't know.  You can't.  

Wish i could disappear into blackness and never wake up. Why do I still love someone who doesn't give a damn about me

Two things:
1)  Use every resource you can to get through this.  Lean on your remaining family.  Your friends.  Get therapy.  Get on meds if your psych doc thinks it's appropriate. Go to support groups.  Post your butt off on this website.  Exercise.  You are your priority right now and just you; the dark urges you describe are not to be trifled with.  
2)  You love someone.  It doesn't matter that she doesn't give a damn.  It wouldn't have mattered if she had ghosted.  Or cheated.  Or taken her life.  Or physically harmed you.  It. doesn't. matter.  YOU love her and it would be strange if you didn't.  I have a girlfriend whose husband beat her and cheated on her and she still has fond memories of him and they've been divorced for a decade.  In her heart she wishes he could have been the man he aspired to be, and even now it's hard because they have children together so she can't escape his orbit.  It's too soon for you not to love her.  

My T said it best:  most people come into the office and say "I don't love them any more" and it's all bulls*t and a facade; you freely admit that you love someone who tore your guts out and that self-awareness and vulnerability are a hell of a lot better foundation than projection and denial.  I think that applies in spades in your case.

Got that J Cole song on repeat today... .What you said about instagram reminded me of her taking pictures of herself when we were still together. Her face could go from miserable to a stunning smile with gorgeous eyes in half a second. You're right that there is no way I can know. Social media is an outlet for people to post the best possible version of themselves, well for most people anyway, I don't like posting much :/

I do love her, and I guess I need to stop beating myself up about that. Its not a bad thing to love someone, I just hope I will be more aware of who not to get involved with in the future, if I'm ever ready for another relationship. She still feels like the answer to make this all go away, even though I know she's not :/ Starting to feel better about myself, I'm training really hard, but its still tied to her in some way - I kinda want to make her jaw drop if she ever saw me without a shirt on again. Gotta get out of that mindset and focus on me, but its still not clear how to make that transition for some reason.

Sadly, I'm really sorry to read that you're in that situation. I hope you will be able to break free from it soon, it sounds really difficult  xx

Thank you all for taking the time to reply and give me your advice. I'm glad i started posting here.

[Icanteven]

Her face could go from miserable to a stunning smile with gorgeous eyes in half a second... .

Isn't it crazy?  When we were younger wifey could be having the day from hell, get a call about doing a photo shoot, and suddenly all was right with the world; hell, more than that, everything was rainbows and unicorn farts in that moment.  I don't even think it was a mask because modeling was her real passion in life, so getting the attention she craved and doing what she loved was a twofer.

Sadly, I'm really sorry to read that you're in that situation.

Thanks.  It was and it is.

Just to reiterate, six weeks isn't a very long time, but keep doing you and you'll be amazed by your progress. 

[lostnlonelydee]

I'm in a bad space today, but I've reread all of your posts and advice, and they all make sense. Thank you all again for taking the time to reply (and to send messages). I have to learn to stop being so hard on myself and accept my feelings. Feels like I'm going nowhere slowly at the moment, this is probably the perfect opportunity to pick up the phone and make a long overdue appointment with my therapist.

[drained1996]

Sorry about the bad space day, they won't all be so difficult.  It is the perfect opportunity to pick up that phone and make an appointment, and that also shows you know your path.  The path to healing is not easy as you have seen, but with time it does get easier.  You're not alone in being so hard on yourself, as many if not all of us have been or are there as well.  Do try to have some self compassion at this time, what you have been through and are feeling now is very difficult and anyone would struggle at times. 
Do something for YOU today, even if it's something small. 
Tomorrow, you can try doing something just a little more for yourself. 
It does get better, we promise. 

[lostnlonelydee]

Thank you drained. Have an appointment for Monday. Had lunch today with her brother, was difficult seeing little reminders of her, miss her so much :S I will get through it eventually.

[lovenature]

I keep kicking myself for my screw ups in the relationship, wishing I could have been a better partner and maybe not pushed her away.

You were doing the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. It is hard enough being in a BPD relationship during an average time of life, it is much worse when you are going through a tough time-sorry to hear about your Dad.

Without years of the right therapy, a BPD relationship just can't be healthy for either partner; the more you accept and try to do right, the more it enables their behaviour; they fear engulfment when you get too close, they fear abandonment when you get too far away, it is a "borderline" that is always moving-depends on their emotion of the moment.

Keep reading and learning, I found the more I learned about the disorder, the more I detached from my ex.
Stay complete NC; social media and what friends see is nothing like what you have seen-the cycle always repeats with intimate partners (attachments).
Focus on you.

[JJacks0]

Not to get off topic from the original post, but lovenature, you said... .

Keep reading and learning, I found the more I learned about the disorder, the more I detached from my ex

I'm kind of feeling the opposite. I'd love to feel the way you do, but I find that the more I understand her, the worse I feel about the way I reacted toward her, and the more I wish I could make up for it. Looking back it breaks my heart to think about how much pain she was in. Of course I didn't have this perspective then, I was in defense mode when she raged - fight or flight kicked in and I didn't take the time to slow down and process what was happening. Just makes me want to find her and give her a big hug.

[lovenature]

I understand how you feel JJ, I wanted to hold my ex. and love and help her with my new knowledge of this awful disorder, and I do wish I would have reacted differently to her rages and inappropriate behaviour. The fact is that unless our PWBPD are willing to get the right therapy, the more contact we have with them, and the closer we try and get, the more pain we cause for both.
Remember, we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.
The only person we can change is ourselves. We can offer help to someone, up to them if they want to accept it and allow for change to happen in their lives.

[lostnlonelydee]

Thanks lovenature,

Today I woke up feeling a little bit bleak, have no plans to do anything enjoyable with my Sunday which sucks, but I'm starting to feel more and more detached from her.

I guess there are still threads connecting me, she's still popping into my head occasionally, wondering who she's with now. Still wish I'd hear from her, like somehow I'd feel like less of a loser if she did... .But the longer it goes the easier it is. Her face isn't quite as burned into my mind as it was before, thanks to NC.

I have accepted that she was right about a lot of what she said at the end. We weren't in a healthy relationship, but I guess that little piece of hope still remains that somehow things could work out - the reality is they couldn't for the reasons you pointed out. She's gone, and I need to get on with my life. Work is non-existent for me at the moment... .

Had a coffee date with someone this week who suggested I look into IT positions on a cruise line. The idea has been burning in my mind since. I don't really have a 'home' like I did before, I'm kinda lost since the break up, maybe what I need is 6 months of constant work and to hopefully see more of the world and be forced to interact with 1000's of people. Still weighing it all up, but I think I'm going to try my luck in the new year.


 

[lovenature]

I don't really have a 'home' like I did before, I'm kinda lost since the break up, maybe what I need is 6 months of constant work and to hopefully see more of the world and be forced to interact with 1000's of people. Still weighing it all up, but I think I'm going to try my luck in the new year.

That could help, just remember to give yourself enough time to think things out and feel your feelings; the only way out is through, and it isn't good to have too much distraction or not enough.

I know the lost feeling; trying to make sense of the senseless over time causes us to loose ourselves, in time we get more and more of ourselves back. The benefit is we can take the good parts of our old selves and fix the parts that need repair.